jaya3300
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Post by jaya3300 on Nov 17, 2012 16:43:28 GMT -5
I am working with a client who is going through a very nasty divorce. They were married for 17 years (though the last 5-6 years were marriage in name only). They have three children ages 11, 15, and 17) Wife was the breadwinner, wife was the dominant personality in the marriage, wife was the one that left the marriage. My client also believed that his wife cheated. Wife moved out of the home over a year ago. Custody has been settled but the divorce is not finalized cause they're still fighting over the assets. My client is very, very angry about everything (divorce, infidelity, breaking up of the family and etc). His mentality is that the sum is greater than the parts and that the family should stay together no matter what. My fear is that his rage will ruin the shaky relationships with his children and that he'll end up driving his children away. While divorce is never easy, the kids appear to be managing okay so far (no behavioral or conduct issues).
I would like to hear from folks who have gone through a divorce. Hopefully your perspectives will help me, help my client.
How long before you got over the divorce? What helped you to get over the divorce? Were you able to stay cordial with the ex? What suggestions do you have for co-parenting with an ex? What did friends and peers do that were helpful? What wasn't so helpful?
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Nov 17, 2012 17:02:33 GMT -5
...at the risk of sounding insensitive to your questions, what is your industry and scope of service to this client? I ask, because my pastoral counseling background has a much different approach than say, an estate planner's... and, one congregant's after-divorce care is not often applicable to another's... iow, something that "works" for one divorcee doesn't become a useful tip to another...
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Jake 48
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keeping the faith
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Post by Jake 48 on Nov 17, 2012 17:41:45 GMT -5
I got divorced when the kids were 7&9 or there about,( now in their 20's) I was very fortunate, we were civil because of the kids and they were our priority. Yes I was angry, pissed at the world. It took a couple of years to realize life is too short to be angry all the time. i channeled all that negative energy into being a positive role model for the kids. I never spoke bad about their mom, and she never said anything bad about me, it was mutual respect. It got better, I met my present wife, switched careers and have a healthily relationship w/ my boys. Fast forward, my ex and her husband have been over for holiday dinners, we have gone to family functions together and if my ex was to call me because her car broke down or needed a ride, I would do it. My ex even listed DW as her health care proxy for surgery she was having. It is all about acting like an adult
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jaya3300
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Post by jaya3300 on Nov 17, 2012 18:10:04 GMT -5
...at the risk of sounding insensitive to your questions, what is your industry and scope of service to this client? I ask, because my pastoral counseling background has a much different approach than say, an estate planner's... and, one congregant's after-divorce care is not often applicable to another's... iow, something that "works" for one divorcee doesn't become a useful tip to another... I'm a volunteer counselor at a free walk in counseling clinic.
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jaya3300
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Joined: May 26, 2012 20:13:51 GMT -5
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Post by jaya3300 on Nov 17, 2012 18:15:03 GMT -5
I got divorced when the kids were 7&9 or there about,( now in their 20's) I was very fortunate, we were civil because of the kids and they were our priority. Yes I was angry, pissed at the world. It took a couple of years to realize life is too short to be angry all the time. i channeled all that negative energy into being a positive role model for the kids. I never spoke bad about their mom, and she never said anything bad about me, it was mutual respect. It got better, I met my present wife, switched careers and have a healthily relationship w/ my boys. Fast forward, my ex and her husband have been over for holiday dinners, we have gone to family functions together and if my ex was to call me because her car broke down or needed a ride, I would do it. My ex even listed DW as her health care proxy for surgery she was having. It is all about acting like an adult Wow. That is amazing. I wished all parents could put their children first.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2012 19:02:18 GMT -5
Aren't you under the HIPPA regulation to not talk about your clients online?
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Nov 17, 2012 19:03:10 GMT -5
...at the risk of sounding insensitive to your questions, what is your industry and scope of service to this client? I ask, because my pastoral counseling background has a much different approach than say, an estate planner's... and, one congregant's after-divorce care is not often applicable to another's... iow, something that "works" for one divorcee doesn't become a useful tip to another... I'm a volunteer counselor at a free walk in counseling clinic. ...thanks... imo, that's helpful to know before considering what to share here... especially since some stories could mimic your client and others like them... (fwiw, I don't have a personal story/not divorced)
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kittensaver
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We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
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Post by kittensaver on Nov 17, 2012 19:03:59 GMT -5
Aren't you under the HIPPA regulation to not talk about your clients online? Nope, unless you reveal name, DOB, SSN. No identifying information, no violation.
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kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
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Post by kittensaver on Nov 17, 2012 19:05:33 GMT -5
FWIW my BIL and his ex divorced 27 years ago, and he still complains actively and bitterly like it was yesterday. No joke Their now-30 year old son is one of the most messed up young men I know. Breaks my heart Good luck helping your client deal with this so his kids don't end up like my nephew.
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Plain Old Petunia
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bloom where you are planted
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on Nov 17, 2012 19:17:41 GMT -5
I am working with a client who is going through a very nasty divorce. They were married for 17 years (though the last 5-6 years were marriage in name only). They have three children ages 11, 15, and 17) Wife was the breadwinner, wife was the dominant personality in the marriage, wife was the one that left the marriage. My client also believed that his wife cheated. Wife moved out of the home over a year ago. Custody has been settled but the divorce is not finalized cause they're still fighting over the assets. My client is very, very angry about everything (divorce, infidelity, breaking up of the family and etc). His mentality is that the sum is greater than the parts and that the family should stay together no matter what. My fear is that his rage will ruin the shaky relationships with his children and that he'll end up driving his children away. While divorce is never easy, the kids appear to be managing okay so far (no behavioral or conduct issues). I would like to hear from folks who have gone through a divorce. Hopefully your perspectives will help me, help my client. How long before you got over the divorce? What helped you to get over the divorce? Were you able to stay cordial with the ex? What suggestions do you have for co-parenting with an ex? What did friends and peers do that were helpful? What wasn't so helpful? What helped me was realizing that the past was passed. It no longer mattered who did what to whom, who was wrong, etc. What still mattered was our children. If he feels angry, then he needs to find someone to talk with. He can work through his anger while still doing his best to co-parent with his ex-wife.
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jaya3300
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Post by jaya3300 on Nov 17, 2012 21:39:52 GMT -5
Aren't you under the HIPPA regulation to not talk about your clients online? I'm not violating anything, there's no identifying information anywhere in my post.
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justme
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Post by justme on Nov 17, 2012 21:48:15 GMT -5
Aren't you under the HIPPA regulation to not talk about your clients online? I'm not violating anything, there's no identifying information anywhere in my post. Pretty much any confidentiality agreement doesn't hold if you don't give identifying info. *Not a lawyer, they could prove me wrong, but that's AFAIK.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Nov 17, 2012 22:52:04 GMT -5
How long before you got over the divorce? What helped you to get over the divorce? Were you able to stay cordial with the ex? What suggestions do you have for co-parenting with an ex? What did friends and peers do that were helpful? What wasn't so helpful? What helped me to get over the divorce was going to couples counseling - and I initiated the separation and divorce. I was very much against getting divorced because I believed I had made a lifetime commitment. Over the course of a year and a half of being married, I felt like I had been lied to and betrayed regarding what he was bring to the marriage. Attending couples counseling for 6 months and having the counselor look at me one day (when my Ex walked out of the office for some reason I can't remember) and ask me how much longer I was going to continue putting forth an effort when I was receiving no effort in return - sealed my decision to divorce. The fact that she was also a faith-based counselor that my Ex had chosen through our church ministry helped me to understand that I wasn't making a soul-damning decision. I was able to stay cordial with my Ex for over 13 years - although I was constantly perplexed by his actions and in a constant state of confusion whenever he would try to convince me to do things his way. At the time, I had no idea he was attempting to control me by manipulation - even though I had already gotten remarried 3 years after our divorce. I stayed cordial with him for the sake of our son - I believed that our son needed both parents in his life, no matter what. I still believe that - but I'll be honest, I no longer follow through on my end in my case. In my case, it is because of the revelation I came to around 2 years ago that I believe my Ex to be a sociopath. There is no reasoning with him unless it is to do as he says. I will not be controlled by him any more. I will not allow him to control our son. I am no longer anything but business-like to him. I am still cordial, but I will not attempt to make sure he sees his son or not - I only follow the custody agreement - to the letter - because of the control issues on his end. As far as friends and family - being there for me was what meant the most to me, regardless of the decisions I made.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 18, 2012 8:44:47 GMT -5
I did the same thing. Almost to a tee. Last counselor we had was faith based and he told me in front of EX to "get out." Like the Amityville house! When EX got all irate about it, he told EX it was obvious he had checked out, was just going thru the motions to not be the bad guy, and was putting me thru hell. Yes, those years as a single parent sucked, for many reasons. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't be both parents. Both kids bear the scars, same as I do, because of his behavior. I'm sure there are divorces where parents put kids first. I've just never experienced one, neither have my friends who are products of divorce.
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Colleenz
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Post by Colleenz on Nov 18, 2012 9:56:22 GMT -5
I have been divorced about six months. He should build his support network. These are folks who are there 100% for him ( not former mutual friends). My ex has such a screwy world view that I needed lots of external viewpoints. He may not want the marriage to be over but it is. He will not get anywhere until he accepts it is over and starts working on a separate life.
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Colleenz
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Post by Colleenz on Nov 18, 2012 11:09:31 GMT -5
Any advice for an ex that wants to discuss stuff through or in the presence of your kiddo? I have tried e-mail (he just doesn't reply), or call me at work, but he always brings up conflict issues at drop off. TIA.
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p8nt
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Post by p8nt on Nov 18, 2012 13:03:43 GMT -5
Any advice for an ex that wants to discuss stuff through or in the presence of your kiddo? I have tried e-mail (he just doesn't reply), or call me at work, but he always brings up conflict issues at drop off. TIA. Just don't engage. Say, "I'm sorry, now is not the time to discuss this." If you don't engage then he/she can't argue.
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Colleenz
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Post by Colleenz on Nov 18, 2012 13:05:55 GMT -5
I do that, but I still do not have an answer to what is going on on Thanksgiving. It is like he is desperately clinging to the last bit of control he can exert over me through our son.
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Nov 18, 2012 13:13:14 GMT -5
I do that, but I still do not have an answer to what is going on on Thanksgiving. It is like he is desperately clinging to the last bit of control he can exert over me through our son. Ex and I have been divorced for 17+ years and he still whines to me about holidays etc. Yes my kids are both over 18...they are both over 21 actually. We never knew if he planned on getting them as he promised etc...so we would just go on as if they would be with us and if he showed then fine, if not they stayed with us. Now that they are both adults, they spend their holidays here which is entirely their choice. I would either email or text and tell him if I don't get a response by XXX, I will assume __________ will be here for the holidays. I had it written into my custody decree at some point that he had to notify me by such and such date as to holidays, vacations etc because of the nonsense.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2012 13:49:00 GMT -5
I got divorced when the kids were 7&9 or there about,( now in their 20's) I was very fortunate, we were civil because of the kids and they were our priority. Yes I was angry, pissed at the world. It took a couple of years to realize life is too short to be angry all the time. i channeled all that negative energy into being a positive role model for the kids. I never spoke bad about their mom, and she never said anything bad about me, it was mutual respect. It got better, I met my present wife, switched careers and have a healthily relationship w/ my boys. Fast forward, my ex and her husband have been over for holiday dinners, we have gone to family functions together and if my ex was to call me because her car broke down or needed a ride, I would do it. My ex even listed DW as her health care proxy for surgery she was having. It is all about acting like an adult My ex and I are like this. We go to things together with both families and I was one of the first in the hospital when his knew wife and him had their baby (she was the one he was having an affair with when he was married to me). My ex has also been named in my will as the guardian for my younger child with my current husband. Older son would already be going to him and I wanted the brothers to stay together. Now, having said that. If my current husband and I were ever to divorce (and it looks more and more like it everyday), things would be horribly ugly. So awful in fact that sometimes I think we're staying married just to avoid that.
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jaya3300
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Post by jaya3300 on Nov 18, 2012 18:27:27 GMT -5
Why is his relationship with the kids shaky already?
The two older kids are teenagers and are at that point in their life where they start to separate from family (normal teen development). This probably would have happened even if the family unit was intact.
The oldest teen doesn't make much of an effort and doesn't keep to the custody schedule. My client has somewhat given up on the oldest. On top of that, sometimes when it's my client's week to have the kids, the two younger children will ask to spend the night with the ex.
My client feels that his ex is behind this and is doing everything in her power so that the children favor her.
The belief feeds his anger and resentment. The more he nags the kids to spend more time with him, the more they pull away. Additionally he would bad mouthed the ex in front of his kids. The older children have already told him that he "needs to get over it" and that "his home doesn't feel like home".
So he's putting out all this effort for his children and isn't getting much in return. And it's a nasty vicious cycle.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Nov 18, 2012 18:47:29 GMT -5
I do that, but I still do not have an answer to what is going on on Thanksgiving. It is like he is desperately clinging to the last bit of control he can exert over me through our son. Text him, "since you haven't given me your plans for jr at tgiving, this is what I'm doing. You can work around my plans."
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Nov 18, 2012 19:13:19 GMT -5
Your "client's" situation is hardly unique. You are a volunteer at a counseling center? Shouldn't most people in that position have some clue about what they are counseling people about?
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weltschmerz
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Post by weltschmerz on Nov 18, 2012 19:27:19 GMT -5
I haven't spoken to, or seen, my ex in a very long time. I can barely remember what he looks like. I wish I had a picture of him.
A chalk outline would be nice.
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Jake 48
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keeping the faith
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Post by Jake 48 on Nov 18, 2012 20:52:15 GMT -5
I haven't spoken to, or seen, my ex in a very long time. I can barely remember what he looks like. I wish I had a picture of him. A chalk outline would be nice.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Nov 19, 2012 10:19:57 GMT -5
If you are asking - maybe you aren't really qualified to cousel this person. It sounds like he needs grief counseling - because he has to come to grips with the loss of the family unit. If you are the only counselor he has, I would search for divorce grief books and support groups. I would talk about the 7 stages of grief with him, and help him to move along in the process. What he wants isn't an option, so it is time for him to accept what he has and make the best of it. www.lifeafteryourdivorce.com/divorce-recovery-coaching/the-7-grief-stages
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2012 10:20:04 GMT -5
My ex and I are like this. We go to things together with both families and I was one of the first in the hospital when his knew wife and him had their baby (she was the one he was having an affair with when he was married to me). My ex has also been named in my will as the guardian for my younger child with my current husband. Older son would already be going to him and I wanted the brothers to stay together. Now, having said that. If my current husband and I were ever to divorce (and it looks more and more like it everyday), things would be horribly ugly. So awful in fact that sometimes I think we're staying married just to avoid that. huh? Have I missed some thread - what happened???
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2012 13:45:52 GMT -5
What part? LOL The ex or the current husband? I don't think I've posted any relationship woes to this board since back in the old YM days, so nobody missed anything.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Nov 19, 2012 16:06:13 GMT -5
What helped me was realizing that the past was passed. It no longer mattered who did what to whom, who was wrong, etc. What still mattered was our children. If he feels angry, then he needs to find someone to talk with. He can work through his anger while still doing his best to co-parent with his ex-wife. I wish more ex-spouses got this. It took my dad several years to recover from my parents divorce (he didn't want to get divorced), but once he did he moved on and is happy. My mother still hasn't recovered from my parents divorce over 20 years later, and I don't think she ever will recover because she isn't willing to look forward. But, there were consequences for my mothers bitterness. She hasn't seen my brother in 10 years. She's never met her grandchildren and she probably never will. She's missed out on a lot because she refuses to move forward.
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jaya3300
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Post by jaya3300 on Nov 19, 2012 18:24:00 GMT -5
Your "client's" situation is hardly unique. You are a volunteer at a counseling center? Shouldn't most people in that position have some clue about what they are counseling people about? If you reread my post, you'd find that I asked about peoples perspective who have been through divorce, since I've not personally experience a divorce myself. I didn't ask for counseling tips.
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