les63
Established Member
Joined: Jan 2, 2011 11:30:35 GMT -5
Posts: 360
|
Post by les63 on Nov 16, 2012 16:37:30 GMT -5
Another don't want to hijack MJ's thread. Here is the situation. DH cheated on me and I found out last May from the other husband. Our marriage has been up and down since then. He also spent a lot of money going to the local bar.
We left Washington state and now are residing in New York state. Closer to family which is good because we have an eight year old with severe/moderate autism. I found out after being here for two days that he was still in communication with the "other" woman. Found out a couple weeks later that she was one of his friends on Facebook.
I think he has pretty much written me off. His dilemma would be leaving us (I have a fifteen year old son from a previous relationship) and doing who knows what. He is not happy with his job here.
Most will probably say kick him out the door. I would but I don't want to be a single parent with a special needs child. I'm 49 and haven't worked for almost 12 years.
This is killing me inside. Life really can throw you some curves.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 29, 2024 8:59:50 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2012 16:40:25 GMT -5
Have you been looking for a way to get into the workforce?
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,242
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 16, 2012 16:40:31 GMT -5
Well I wouldn't say kick him out the door YET. I would strongly suggest some therapy for you and talk to a lawyer about your rights and the fact you have a special needs child.
Once you have all your legal ducks in a row and have dealt with things personally, THEN kick his ass to the curb.
I wouldn't just lie down and remain married to him. Know your rights and your child's rights.
|
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on Nov 16, 2012 16:43:14 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you're faced with this heartache. I must ask, though: have you sat down and had "the talk" with DH? Have you confronted him with your feelings about your marriage and his behaviors? What is his response, if you have? I ask because you say you "think" he has written you off. You need to know, hon.
|
|
Bob Ross
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 14:48:03 GMT -5
Posts: 5,882
|
Post by Bob Ross on Nov 16, 2012 16:44:39 GMT -5
Do you know any 23 year olds?
|
|
kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
Joined: Nov 22, 2011 16:16:36 GMT -5
Posts: 7,983
|
Post by kittensaver on Nov 16, 2012 16:45:30 GMT -5
Drama beat me to it! First - toss out any notion you may have in your head that you are "stuck." Even if your means are limited you always have options. Consult a lawyer and find out what your right and the rights of your children are. Gather up all yours and his financial records - and keep track of them - monthly. Start a savings account (at a different bank) to pay your divorce fees (so you don't get stuck accepting "his" terms because you can't afford a lawyer). Get a therapist, counselor, reverend or some other neutral third party to help you talk through your fears and concerns, and help you develop a plan.
THEN act. But act from a place of reflection, not reaction.
Hugs and good luck to you! Not wanting to be a single parent is a lousy reason to stay married. It is lousy for your physical and emotional health.
Hugs to you and stay strong!
|
|
hoops902
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 13:21:29 GMT -5
Posts: 11,978
|
Post by hoops902 on Nov 16, 2012 16:51:46 GMT -5
::Start a savings account (at a different bank) to pay your divorce fees (so you don't get stuck accepting "his" terms because you can't afford a lawyer).::
Honest question. With what money? Something tells me that a guy who was cheating and has apparently written off his marriage and is considering leaving is likely not coming home and bestowing large financial gifts on his non-working wife.
|
|
Formerly SK
Senior Member
Joined: Feb 27, 2011 14:23:13 GMT -5
Posts: 3,255
|
Post by Formerly SK on Nov 16, 2012 16:57:15 GMT -5
Is NY a community property state (WA is)? Because as a SAHM of a special needs kid, you need legal protections. I agree, life is complicated and there aren't any simple and fast choices. As a SAHM of two kids (one with HF ASD) I completely understand the fear of being a single parent to a special needs kid. And I know the toll a special needs kid places on a marriage (financial/time/emotional/etc). Take care of yourself.
|
|
kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
Joined: Nov 22, 2011 16:16:36 GMT -5
Posts: 7,983
|
Post by kittensaver on Nov 16, 2012 17:02:32 GMT -5
::Start a savings account (at a different bank) to pay your divorce fees (so you don't get stuck accepting "his" terms because you can't afford a lawyer).:: Honest question. With what money? Something tells me that a guy who was cheating and has apparently written off his marriage and is considering leaving is likely not coming home and bestowing large financial gifts on his non-working wife. With whatever "found" money she can scrape together. Yeah it may not be a lot, but there is a sense of personal power and control if you can take charge of SOME part of the process. Even non-working wives can stash pocket change, rebates, birthday money, a few bucks out of the grocery budget each week, sell some stuff, have a garage sale, etc. Again, it's not a lot - - but it is a start to feeling back in control.
|
|
les63
Established Member
Joined: Jan 2, 2011 11:30:35 GMT -5
Posts: 360
|
Post by les63 on Nov 16, 2012 17:06:59 GMT -5
We tried marriage counseling for a bit. He was lying to the counselor basically (physical not emotional relationship). As for the written off part, no touching except for a peck on the lips saying goodnight. I've decided I'm not going to throw myself at him because of the hurt that might come back. I just wish he had communicated more instead of going to the bar and having a affair with a waitress/barmaid. Midlife crisis? Does he think I'm happy too? I pick myself up and shake it off daily. Our son deserves people around him that aren't wallowing in a "poor" me, I don't have a typical family.
Great, now I sound like a bitter 49 year old.
|
|
hoops902
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 13:21:29 GMT -5
Posts: 11,978
|
Post by hoops902 on Nov 16, 2012 17:07:41 GMT -5
::Even non-working wives can stash pocket change, rebates, birthday money, a few bucks out of the grocery budget each week, sell some stuff, have a garage sale, etc. Again, it's not a lot - - but it is a start to feeling back in control. ::
That's what I was asking. On the flip side, how do you have a garage sale, put the money into a savings account for a lawyer, and not let your husband find out? Or do you just tell him?
But mostly I was looking for suggestions for OP given that I assume her husband isn't tossing a lot of money her way. Since he knows divorce is pretty likely. (but also how to get the amount of money a lawyer is going to require, which is not an insignificant amount). I agree it's a start to getting some control, just not sure how realistic it's going to be to have enough to pay for a lawyer.
Ignoring the ethics of taking grocery money for the family and stashing it away for a divorce lawyer.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 29, 2024 8:59:50 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2012 17:09:35 GMT -5
I'd open a credit card while you can still claim household income and use that to pay for the divorce.
|
|
kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
Joined: Nov 22, 2011 16:16:36 GMT -5
Posts: 7,983
|
Post by kittensaver on Nov 16, 2012 17:12:00 GMT -5
Ignoring the ethics of taking grocery money for the family and stashing it away for a divorce lawyer.
=============
Personally, I have no problem with this. No one in the family is going to go hungry if she saves and extra $5 a week. Besides - getting out may actually HELP her family (meaning, her son; sounds like a bad situation for him).
And additionally Besides: where were HIS ethics when he was taking family money to go out and drink and misbehave with waitresses and barmaids? Nope, no ethical problem here . . .
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 29, 2024 8:59:50 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2012 17:12:12 GMT -5
No, but if the finances are joint, there is probably some room. Shop more carefully for the groceries and maybe save $20 a week. That's just a small example, but I have a friend who is a SAHM who does just this sort of thing to buy her DH presents for his birthday and Christmas. She gets her sale papers and coupons together and manages to shave it off the food budget. If you are spending the same amount of money for the same things, it would be a husband I didn't like that asked to see a receipt to make sure you weren't fudging things. The seeds of that sort of distrust would be too horrible to imagine. Or maybe she could pretend to go to a bar and ring up a tab equal to his previous ones.
|
|
kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
Joined: Nov 22, 2011 16:16:36 GMT -5
Posts: 7,983
|
Post by kittensaver on Nov 16, 2012 17:13:10 GMT -5
Les - the credit card idea is a good one - look into it!
|
|
hoops902
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 13:21:29 GMT -5
Posts: 11,978
|
Post by hoops902 on Nov 16, 2012 17:14:13 GMT -5
::As for the written off part, no touching except for a peck on the lips saying goodnight. I've decided I'm not going to throw myself at him because of the hurt that might come back.::
You know, for all of the "he's written me off" talk, it sounds like you're written the marriage off yourself. There's a big gap between "no touching" and "not throwing yourself at him".
What it sounds like is: He screwed up. He's not necessarily that into the marriage. You're not really that into the marriage because of the screw up.
I'm not trying to blame the victim here, but it doesn't sound like you're really trying to make the marriage work. That's ok, it doesn't have to work. But if you're both writing the marriage off, it's kind of over already. At this point the conversation needs to be either that both of you are committed to giving it a real shot. Or you figure out how you live going forward. Divorce. Stay married with no real connection/commitment. Split but live together. There are a LOT of options, you can figure out a plan that works for the 2 of you. It doesn't have to be the situation people think you should have.
|
|
movingforward
Junior Associate
Joined: Sept 15, 2011 12:48:31 GMT -5
Posts: 8,358
|
Post by movingforward on Nov 16, 2012 17:15:39 GMT -5
- what rukh said
|
|
Peace Of Mind
Senior Associate
[font color="#8f2520"]~ Drinks Well With Others ~[/font]
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:53:02 GMT -5
Posts: 15,554
Location: Paradise
|
Post by Peace Of Mind on Nov 16, 2012 17:18:06 GMT -5
I would recommend that you get therapy alone to learn how to deal with all of this. And then I would tell you to expect the best but plan for the worst. I'm sorry you are going through all of this.
|
|
hoops902
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 13:21:29 GMT -5
Posts: 11,978
|
Post by hoops902 on Nov 16, 2012 17:20:17 GMT -5
::And additionally Besides: where were HIS ethics when he was taking family money to go out and drink and misbehave with waitresses and barmaids? Nope, no ethical problem here . . . ::
One person hiding money (if either of them hide money at all anyways) doesn't make it ethically ok for the other to do it. Just like him having an affair doesn't somehow make it ethically ok for her to have an affair.
::If you are spending the same amount of money for the same things, it would be a husband I didn't like that asked to see a receipt to make sure you weren't fudging things. The seeds of that sort of distrust would be too horrible to imagine.::
Right, but in that case you WOULD be fudging things lol. So which is worse...a husband who distrusts his wife to that extent? Or a wife who actually goes to that extent that she deserves that kind of distrust?
::Personally, I have no problem with this. No one in the family is going to go hungry if she saves and extra $5 a week. Besides - getting out may actually HELP her family (meaning, her son; sounds like a bad situation for him).::
I agree, they're not going hungry. That doesn't change the fact that it's dishonest.
Just because YOU have no ethical issues with it doesn't mean there AREN'T ethical issues with it. Which is why I said "ignoring the ethical issue", because it IS an ethical issue. Your opinion is just that you think it's ethical. Most people don't think much of anything is an "ethical problem", because everyone thinks they are the right one so there's not a problem.
|
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on Nov 16, 2012 17:20:54 GMT -5
We tried marriage counseling for a bit. He was lying to the counselor basically (physical not emotional relationship). As for the written off part, no touching except for a peck on the lips saying goodnight. I've decided I'm not going to throw myself at him because of the hurt that might come back. I just wish he had communicated more instead of going to the bar and having a affair with a waitress/barmaid. Midlife crisis? Does he think I'm happy too? I pick myself up and shake it off daily. Our son deserves people around him that aren't wallowing in a "poor" me, I don't have a typical family. Great, now I sound like a bitter 49 year old. No, you don't. You sound like a woman faced with a very, very difficult situation. We're not made of granite, after all. One thing I think you need to do right away is find the best darned divorce attorney in the area. You need to do that before you do anything else. Next would be to line up counselling for yourself and, possibly, your child(ren). Once those things are in place, confront the situation head on and don't back down. Make him understand he's going to tow the line, or hit the door. If it turns out he's really ready to cut you loose, you're prepared to make him pay for the pleasure. It's not a revenge thing. It's about taking care of yourself and the kids. That's got to be first priority.
|
|
hoops902
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 13:21:29 GMT -5
Posts: 11,978
|
Post by hoops902 on Nov 16, 2012 17:23:07 GMT -5
::Your first order of business is to get a job. Get out into the world and start figuring out how to make some money. Maybe only part time. does your 8 yo got to school? try for a job only when he's in school. If not, then when the H is at home you can go to work.::
So playing devil's advocate...why would DH go for this (having her go to work when he is at home)? "Oh you want to go out and get a job so that I can stay home with the kids so you have money to pay a divorce lawyer? Awesome idea baby".
I'm not saying it's not a good idea, but how does she practically go about it? It's not as simple as just telling him she's doing it like people like to make it out to be.
|
|
kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
Joined: Nov 22, 2011 16:16:36 GMT -5
Posts: 7,983
|
Post by kittensaver on Nov 16, 2012 17:28:44 GMT -5
::And additionally Besides: where were HIS ethics when he was taking family money to go out and drink and misbehave with waitresses and barmaids? Nope, no ethical problem here . . . :: One person hiding money (if either of them hide money at all anyways) doesn't make it ethically ok for the other to do it. Just like him having an affair doesn't somehow make it ethically ok for her to have an affair. ::If you are spending the same amount of money for the same things, it would be a husband I didn't like that asked to see a receipt to make sure you weren't fudging things. The seeds of that sort of distrust would be too horrible to imagine.:: Right, but in that case you WOULD be fudging things lol. So which is worse...a husband who distrusts his wife to that extent? Or a wife who actually goes to that extent that she deserves that kind of distrust? ::Personally, I have no problem with this. No one in the family is going to go hungry if she saves and extra $5 a week. Besides - getting out may actually HELP her family (meaning, her son; sounds like a bad situation for him).:: I agree, they're not going hungry. That doesn't change the fact that it's dishonest. Just because YOU have no ethical issues with it doesn't mean there AREN'T ethical issues with it. Which is why I said "ignoring the ethical issue", because it IS an ethical issue. Your opinion is just that you think it's ethical. Most people don't think much of anything is an "ethical problem", because everyone thinks they are the right one so there's not a problem. Well Hoops I'm not gonna argue ethics with you. It sounds like this marriage is over and the trust is already gone. That horse has already left the barn. She needs to protect herself and her child. I see nothing wrong with using family money to do that (protect herself). After all - what money do you think HE'S gonna use for the divorce???
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 29, 2024 8:59:50 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2012 17:32:39 GMT -5
Most will probably say kick him out the door. I would but I don't want to be a single parent with a special needs child. I'm 49 and haven't worked for almost 12 years. It sounds like you are already a single parent. There may be another adult living in your house, but you are navigating these waters alone. Can you spend the next two months gathering information? Maybe, no big decisions until after the holidays, but take some time to learn where you stand. Meet with a lawyer. Talk to a career counselor or someone in your field so you know what your employment options are. Talk to some parents in your child's class so you know what sorts of support services and respite options are available in your new community. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but I hope knowing your options will help.
|
|
hoops902
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 13:21:29 GMT -5
Posts: 11,978
|
Post by hoops902 on Nov 16, 2012 17:37:47 GMT -5
::After all - what money do you think HE'S gonna use for the divorce? ::
I assume the money he earns, that he's not lying about having?
::It sounds like you are already a single parent.::
Why? I didn't read a single thing in her post that would lead to this conclusion. Most single parents don't have someone else putting a roof over their head, food on their table, etc. Even if she might need to get out, she's far from being "a single parent" right now. Someone having an affair doesn't magically mean they aren't parenting their kid.
During the 2 months of gathering information...figure out what you'd do for a living situation! Lots of things can be handled at some point down the road, but you don't want to end up homeless.
|
|
hoops902
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 13:21:29 GMT -5
Posts: 11,978
|
Post by hoops902 on Nov 16, 2012 17:40:19 GMT -5
::So you are saying - he can refuse to look after his own child and thus refuse to allow her to get a job? is that what you're saying?::
I'm saying yes, he can. It's clear that if they're having problems and one day she up and decides to get a job after 12 years that she's doing it to get out of the marriage. Why wouldn't he just up and leave on his own at that point?
::I don't get your point? Is she taking care of the child while he is working? Then if she also chooses to work, he can do likewise.::
This is "presumably" a decision they came to together. Decisions you come to together during a relationship are not the same as one person saying "this is what's happening now".
|
|
kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
Joined: Nov 22, 2011 16:16:36 GMT -5
Posts: 7,983
|
Post by kittensaver on Nov 16, 2012 17:43:10 GMT -5
::After all - what money do you think HE'S gonna use for the divorce? ::
I assume the money he earns, that he's not lying about having?
=========
Well first of all, there is nothing in this thread to tell us whether or not he is being honest about money. If he is continuing to cheat on the marriage I'm gonna guess that he is NOT being honest about money either.
And second, are you implying that the money he earns is "his" money? What happened to it being "family" money? Are you suggesting that it's okay to leave a dependent spouse stuck and without financial resources because it's "his" money?
|
|
hoops902
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 13:21:29 GMT -5
Posts: 11,978
|
Post by hoops902 on Nov 16, 2012 17:48:37 GMT -5
::Well first of all, there is nothing in this thread to tell us whether or not he is being honest about money.::
Agree totally, there's nothing indicating he's being dishonest about money. But there IS suggestion that she be dishonest. Either way, I don't think one person's dishonesty justifies another.
::What happened to it being "family" money? ::
What happened to what being "family money"? I never labeled it as family money, I don't know how they split up money. For all I know she's given $xxx every month and pays bills with it and is allowed to do whatever she likes with the rest. And he may have his own fun money/allowance. If that's the case then no issue. The issue is that people are suggesting she be dishonest and take money earmarked for one thing and use it for another.
I love how people want to start this ethical argument when I never actually made a claim one way or another. Somehow "ignoring the ethical aspect" means "assign me whatever side of the argument you like in order to go on a rant".
|
|
kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
Joined: Nov 22, 2011 16:16:36 GMT -5
Posts: 7,983
|
Post by kittensaver on Nov 16, 2012 17:50:22 GMT -5
*smh*
I see no ethical problem with using family money to protect herself and her child from a man who clearly does not have his family's interests at heart. We will never agree on this.
I'm out
Good luck to you Les and be strong for you and your child.
|
|
les63
Established Member
Joined: Jan 2, 2011 11:30:35 GMT -5
Posts: 360
|
Post by les63 on Nov 16, 2012 18:21:14 GMT -5
I plan on looking to get a part time job in January. My fifteen year old is flying back to Washingon state for the Christmas holidays and so I can wait a bit. I do want to get back in the workforce. Just to get out of the house and meet other people. Being a parent of a special needs child does limit your get out and do things. My parents will help out for the initial divorce funding if need be. I feel I'm in a holding pattern at the moment. If he wants a divorce, he can make the first move. If he wants to take care of our son for the next eight years (which would interfere with his happiness) go for it.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 29, 2024 8:59:50 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2012 18:38:47 GMT -5
|
|