hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Nov 16, 2012 18:51:27 GMT -5
::My thought was the OP and her H would both be in a better position and potentially a better state of mind if she got out a bit and had some money of her own.
But - well if he wants to call all of the shots - he can pay up the alimony. It sounds like a flat out ridiculous stance for him take but since he has choice of refusal on everything - I guess the judge is the only one to change the rules for him.::
And if the stance was "the first order of business is to talk to your husband and discuss her getting a job" that would be fine. It wasn't. The suggestion was that the first thing she should do is just go get a job and he'll just watch the kids.
The suggestion was that she get a job to PAY FOR A DIVORCE LAWYER. How does that help HIM financially at ALL? "Hey honey, you watch the kids while I go out and make money so I can get a better lawyer who will skewer you in court". Yeah, I can't imagine WHY he would have any problem with that.
And if you really think her going out and getting a part time job a couple months before a divorce when she's been a SAHM for 12 years and they have a special needs child is going to affect alimony he's ordered to pay, you're in la-la land.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Nov 16, 2012 18:52:47 GMT -5
::My parents will help out for the initial divorce funding if need be.::
Including housing? That would be my biggest concern (without knowing what your current housing situation is). I wouldn't want to get evicted because I couldn't pay the rent, and I also wouldn't emotionally want to stay there if my spouse refused to leave.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 16, 2012 19:20:47 GMT -5
You need to hunker down and stay put. In the meantime start saving some money. Just because a judge orders stuff doesn't mean you will ever get it. Trust me on this. How bad is your special needs child? Marriage is tough enough but add that into the mix and very few survive it. Cruel but true. Takes special people to handle it. I'm not one of them but my hat is off to those who are. I taught them and even then I wondered how their teachers could handle a day of it, let alone a parent, who has them for 16 hours more. Vent here and also look at WIR. There's moms on there who are in the same boat and can give comfort and good advice.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2012 19:31:08 GMT -5
I'd worry less about being evicted and more about being foreclosed on. I think it's a real possibility in today's market to get "stuck" with an underwater house. Women like to "keep" the house, but it is often a mistake. They do it for the kids, but they can't afford it. She is equally likely to get "stuck" with custody of their special needs child. I hate to use that word because she loves her child just like anyone loves their child. But a special needs child is for life, not just until adulthood. And as the term implies, their needs go beyond an ordinary child's needs. I've just seen too many fathers choose to write a check and not even want visitation rights in similar situations. Maybe it's my generation. I'm sure I am over-generalizing, but I've known many fathers accept the responsibility WITH their wives, but I haven't seen any too eager to accept it by themselves. I look forward to the many stories I hope to hear of fathers who are raising their special needs kids alone with just a check from the mom. It will balance my negative experience.
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les63
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Post by les63 on Nov 16, 2012 19:52:10 GMT -5
Our son is nonverbal and not potty trained. New York state is night and day compared to where we lived in Washington state. He has bonded with his new teacher (who knows autism first hand) and is happy. That is such a plus in my state of mind right now. I'm happy with this move and my kids are. I thought this was going to be a start over (my DH's words). I'm going to stay positive for the most part on behalf of my children.
I've decided to maintain my positive attitude with them in mind. My DH is on his own. It hurts but I'm not going to put myself out there to be hurt anymore. It is up to him for the next move.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 16, 2012 20:21:28 GMT -5
Oh, boy. That is a bad hand you've been dealt. I hear people go to NJ and NY because of the resources for special needs kids. I really can't stress enough of using the WIR thread. They're a huge help.
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constanz22
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Post by constanz22 on Nov 16, 2012 21:06:02 GMT -5
Our son is nonverbal and not potty trained. New York state is night and day compared to where we lived in Washington state. He has bonded with his new teacher (who knows autism first hand) and is happy. That is such a plus in my state of mind right now. I'm happy with this move and my kids are. I thought this was going to be a start over (my DH's words). I'm going to stay positive for the most part on behalf of my children. I've decided to maintain my positive attitude with them in mind. My DH is on his own. It hurts but I'm not going to put myself out there to be hurt anymore. It is up to him for the next move. What part of NY are you in? I might be able to give you some advice about services available if you are anywhere near me.
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les63
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Post by les63 on Nov 16, 2012 22:02:06 GMT -5
We are living in Broome County and so far New York state has so much more to offer for my son. The school district is awesome.
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constanz22
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Post by constanz22 on Nov 16, 2012 22:08:36 GMT -5
We are living in Broome County and so far New York state has so much more to offer for my son. The school district is awesome. NO WAY! I work in Broome County! Feel free to PM me, we'll chat...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2012 2:00:33 GMT -5
1. Get referrals for attorneys (I suggest 5) 2. Go see an attorney or two for a consult before you do ANYTHING else, especially before you go get a job 3. Why do you want to live in a loveless marriage? If you are staying then get a counselor. Maybe less focus on the affair & more focus on how to bring the affection back into your marriage and life is more appropriate. Nothing will get better with the stance you have now taken, it can only get worse.
IF you DO NOT want to be divorced, then you better make working on the marriage your biggest priority.
I don't believe NY is a comm property state. If you are a full time SAHM with a special needs child, then it will be presumed that is the arrangement that best served the family and the child. In these cases there is often child support + alimony + special needs allotment. If you run out and get a job then get divorced, the family dynamic presumption changes. You may find it actually extremely difficult to work as a single parent (if a divorce happens) with a special needs child. If there is therapy, dr appointments, medical treatment, school participation needed from you it might be detrimental to have a job limiting you.
Just my 2 cents.
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Nazgul Girl
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Babysitting our new grandbaby 3 days a week !
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Nov 17, 2012 6:31:56 GMT -5
Been there done this, but I was age 45, had a low-level job with some benefits, and didn't have a special needs child. First of all, hugs to you. I'm sorry that you, your children, and for that matter, your husband are going through this. Once there has been a breach of trust in the marital vows *and* the behavior continues, then it's okay to save some money. Get a CC card to pay for the divorce attorney. You will likely need some money to put down on an apartment when the time comes. Try to save $ 20 - $ 30 cash money a week, or $ 40 if possible. Give the money to your mother to hold for you, or get a safe deposit box and put the money in that. Then, give the key to your mother. You don't want to have a new safe deposit box key dangling from your key chain. What kind of work did you used to do ? If it required a license, is it current ? Start working out some kind of plan for employment. Is your husband a high, medium, or low earner ? Does the father of your first son have a child support order, and if so, is he current on his support payments ? Do you have a divorce attorney yet ? If not, you need to start interviewing some attorneys. Is there any type of benefit from Medicaid or Social Security ( SSI ) for your younger son ? These are questions you should be working on gathering info on since you are currently at home. I doubt that your DH will be flying back to the West Coast to be with the cocktail waitress, but you never know. You will need to find out where he is working if he moves back, so that you can have his wages garnished for child support. Make sure that: 1. You have his SSN ( it's amazing how many women don't have their husband's SSN written down somewhere ). 2. Have a copy of your birth certificates ( for all four of you ), and your marriage certificate. 3. Have copies of your tax returns for the last several years. 4. If you bought a house, figure out if you want to keep it and if so, can you afford it. Sometimes, in the case of a special needs child, the divorce court will order that the family stay in the house until the special needs child is a certain age, and then sold. If your son is high special needs, this could be quite awile. If the house is overly large or grandiose and needs a lot of maintenance, it's probably best to move anyway. 5. Is there a local parents' autism group that you can join ? 6. If your husband gets a paystub, make copies of the last few. Make copies of the last several bank statements. Take your valuable jewelry and give it to your mother or put it in your safe deposit box NOW. It will disappear later if you're not careful with it. 7. Get a clipboard and some paper and pen, and take them to the meeting(s) with your attorney. Take notes on everything. Don't use your attorney for a psychological counselor because that is not the attorney's function. The attorney's function is to get the best possible business deal for you and your family. 8. Start seeing a counselor now. It will strengthen you in the days and months to come. 9. Remember that the retainer for your attorney will be several thousand dollars, but it will not pay for everything in your divorce. Your total bill might be quite high. Tell your attorney that you want to be economical but strong. Show up prepared, dressed neatly, and in a calm state of mind to every single hearing, on time. 10. Make a list ( including account numbers, phone numbers, and addresses ) of all bank accounts, retirement accounts, stock accounts, husband's 401k ( know where it is held ), safe deposit boxes, car registrations ( VIN numbers ), boat registrations, life insurance policies, etc. Make copies of these documents. 11. Start following the money if you are not doing so already. If your DH is draining accounts, report it to your attorney. 12. Try to find a women's divorcee' group. 13. Figure out plans for the first few weeks and months if you separate. Many times, it can happen after the holidays. Will you stay where you are, or move, etc. 14. Start cutting down on expanses. Open up a cc in your name before you split up, and freeze any joint ones if you are definately separating, IF you think that is the right thing to do. ( I did that and it worked out well for me ). Take a cash advance on a cc or line of credit if you think that will help you down the road. I took a $ 4000 cash advance on a line of credit that we had because plundering our accounts. We had to pay it back, of course. I used it to pay for my attorney. She billed me an extra $ 2600 months later. I was sure glad that I had taken out that advance . 15. Figure out health insurance. Did your 2nd husband adopt your oldest child ? If so, he will be obligated to keep him on his health insurance through work. If not, is your eldest on his father's health insurance ? Once you are divorced, you will not be in your spouse's insurance, so you need to get all check-ups, including mammograms, all other needed medical care, such as dental and podiatric treatment, done now. If there is some kind of surgery that you have been putting off, consider getting it done now if it is necessary. 16. Take yourself and the kids to the dentist. You do not know when you'll have good dental insurance again. Get all of your dental work done. Pay for it by credit card if necessary. 17. Sell old furniture, have unwanted silver and gold melted down ( send it to Northern Refineries = they will give you the fair market price and will not cheat you ). If your DH gets pissed off and quits wearing his wedding ring, ask him if you can have it. Have it melted down. Have any diamonds taken out of jewelry before you send it to be scrapped. You can findtheir website here: www.northernrefineries.com/ 18. Get your attorney to put a freeze on all assets, changing beneficiaries on life insurance policies ( including any held through work ) once you and your husband separate. 19. Get your own life insurance policy ( term ) for your children. You can buy a policy for only $ 20 - $ 30 per month. Make sure you get TERM. You don't need expensive whole life or universal life. 20. Start reading Consumer Reports, Money magazine, or Kiplingers magazines. Try not to eat out. Serve simple meals for your family. 21. Don't use your precious time and energy arguing with DH. I know this sounds weird, but I spent too much of myself on the marriage instead of on my future and on my daughter's well-being. I should have recognized that things had taken a turn for the extreme worse when my first husband started proclaiming weird stuff about being a god and a mage ( He had a spectacular meltdown ), but I was grief-stricken and it took me months to come out of it. He also tried to get to sign stuff but I wouldn't. He also tried to make me take money out of my roll-over IRA to pay for debts, but I wouldn't. 22. Make sure that your car is serviced, and in good repair. If you have a car payment, try to have 1 - 2 car payments saved up so that you can make a payment if you need to. 23. Pay your lights and other utilities a few months ahead if you have the spare cash. Good luck and I hope this post helps you in formulating plans, whether you stay or go...
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constanz22
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:32:17 GMT -5
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Post by constanz22 on Nov 17, 2012 7:02:32 GMT -5
The good news is, this is a very LCOL area. There are tons of resources here and I am more than willing to give you personal referrals of names of professionals (attorney, therapist, etc.). I'm a social worker and have worked very closely with many in the area. I know who is good and who to stay away from. I also know a lot about services for special needs kids in the area. PLEASE feel free to PM me!
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milee
Senior Associate
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Post by milee on Nov 17, 2012 8:06:19 GMT -5
les63, I'm so sorry this is happening. It is very hard to suddenly have to deal with this on top of all the other things going on in your life. To best protect yourself, you need to see at least 3 local divorce attorneys because their advice now (and it is important to see 3 because each one will give slightly different advice or bring up issues the others may miss) can result in the difference of literally thousands of dollars for you. Again, you need to see them NOW because you have some important issues to resolve and there is a time limit, after which you will not have as many options.
1) It sounds like your move to NY has been recent. It also sounds like your DH may or may not move back to WA. Most states have residency requirements that determine if you may file for divorce there and many require that you be a resident of the state for one year before you can file in that state. This can work to your advantage here. You need to understand what your settlement and alimony would look like under NY law and under WA law. You need to know this now, while you are still within that common one year window and can still choose which state you'd like to proceed in. Although WA may have less services for your son, it may make sense for you to temporarily move back there if WA's divorce laws would give you the best settlement and then move to NY when the divorce is final. Or it may be that NY's laws are more favorable for you and you want to make darn good and sure that you file in NY (in which case, the name of the game is keeping your marriage going long enough that it prevents your DH from going back to WA and filing there. Yes, he will have the same options as you and you will need to consider not just what you're doing but how to influence what he may do.)
In short, you need to quickly find out if WA or NY will be the best divorce venue for you and plan accordingly. Do not delay. DH may be farther along in the game than you are. If he's done this research and knows WA will be better for him/worse for you, he may also be making plans to get back to WA to file there.
2) As the SAHM to a special needs child, you need legal advice before you get even a part time job. It varies by state, but in many states, getting a job will reduce the amount of support and/or alimony you're likely to receive. You do not want to get a low skill job that pays you a few hundred dollars a month now but costs you an extra $10,000 over the next 8-10 years in lost child support and alimony. Get advice from a divorce lawyer on the job and its implications before you make any decisions.
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milee
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2012 13:20:00 GMT -5
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Post by milee on Nov 17, 2012 8:08:23 GMT -5
BTW, if you want to play a little rough on the divorce lawyer thing, make sure you see at least 3 (or even 5) of the top divorce lawyers in town that you and DH are likely to use. After they consult with you - and yes, you will pay for this consultation - they will not ethically be able to help your DH because it's a conflict of interest, so you're preventing him from using their services.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Nov 17, 2012 9:07:46 GMT -5
First, contact constanz, she is local & she can help.
Second, see a few lawyers. All my consultations were free & they will give you a good idea as to your rights & what to expect from a divorce. You may also want to contact WA lawyers to find out what happens if you file there. Do this before you follow any advice as far as getting a job or stashing cash. A job could impact alimony & child support. And hiding cash in the wrong way could get you in big trouble.
Third, get counseling & focus on figuring out what you want. Do you want to fix things? Do you want to stay as it is now? Do you want a divorce? Figure out what you want to do. Personally, I think it would be hard to stay in a marriage in the state yours is in. It has to be emotionally taxing to watch the cheating & feel disrespected. Don't stay simply because it is easier or you are scared. Stay only if it is what you really want. Take care of yourself, which will make you better equip to care for your son.
Good luck.
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Pants
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Joined: Dec 27, 2010 19:26:44 GMT -5
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Post by Pants on Nov 17, 2012 10:02:06 GMT -5
Been there done this, but I was age 45, had a low-level job with some benefits, and didn't have a special needs child. First of all, hugs to you. I'm sorry that you, your children, and for that matter, your husband are going through this. Once there has been a breach of trust in the marital vows *and* the behavior continues, then it's okay to save some money. Get a CC card to pay for the divorce attorney. You will likely need some money to put down on an apartment when the time comes. Try to save $ 20 - $ 30 cash money a week, or $ 40 if possible. Give the money to your mother to hold for you, or get a safe deposit box and put the money in that. Then, give the key to your mother. You don't want to have a new safe deposit box key dangling from your key chain. What kind of work did you used to do ? If it required a license, is it current ? Start working out some kind of plan for employment. Is your husband a high, medium, or low earner ? Does the father of your first son have a child support order, and if so, is he current on his support payments ? Do you have a divorce attorney yet ? If not, you need to start interviewing some attorneys. Is there any type of benefit from Medicaid or Social Security ( SSI ) for your younger son ? These are questions you should be working on gathering info on since you are currently at home. I doubt that your DH will be flying back to the West Coast to be with the cocktail waitress, but you never know. You will need to find out where he is working if he moves back, so that you can have his wages garnished for child support. Make sure that: 1. You have his SSN ( it's amazing how many women don't have their husband's SSN written down somewhere ). 2. Have a copy of your birth certificates ( for all four of you ), and your marriage certificate. 3. Have copies of your tax returns for the last several years. 4. If you bought a house, figure out if you want to keep it and if so, can you afford it. Sometimes, in the case of a special needs child, the divorce court will order that the family stay in the house until the special needs child is a certain age, and then sold. If your son is high special needs, this could be quite awile. If the house is overly large or grandiose and needs a lot of maintenance, it's probably best to move anyway. 5. Is there a local parents' autism group that you can join ? 6. If your husband gets a paystub, make copies of the last few. Make copies of the last several bank statements. Take your valuable jewelry and give it to your mother or put it in your safe deposit box NOW. It will disappear later if you're not careful with it. 7. Get a clipboard and some paper and pen, and take them to the meeting(s) with your attorney. Take notes on everything. Don't use your attorney for a psychological counselor because that is not the attorney's function. The attorney's function is to get the best possible business deal for you and your family. 8. Start seeing a counselor now. It will strengthen you in the days and months to come. 9. Remember that the retainer for your attorney will be several thousand dollars, but it will not pay for everything in your divorce. Your total bill might be quite high. Tell your attorney that you want to be economical but strong. Show up prepared, dressed neatly, and in a calm state of mind to every single hearing, on time. 10. Make a list ( including account numbers, phone numbers, and addresses ) of all bank accounts, retirement accounts, stock accounts, husband's 401k ( know where it is held ), safe deposit boxes, car registrations ( VIN numbers ), boat registrations, life insurance policies, etc. Make copies of these documents. 11. Start following the money if you are not doing so already. If your DH is draining accounts, report it to your attorney. 12. Try to find a women's divorcee' group. 13. Figure out plans for the first few weeks and months if you separate. Many times, it can happen after the holidays. Will you stay where you are, or move, etc. 14. Start cutting down on expanses. Open up a cc in your name before you split up, and freeze any joint ones if you are definately separating, IF you think that is the right thing to do. ( I did that and it worked out well for me ). Take a cash advance on a cc or line of credit if you think that will help you down the road. I took a $ 4000 cash advance on a line of credit that we had because plundering our accounts. We had to pay it back, of course. I used it to pay for my attorney. She billed me an extra $ 2600 months later. I was sure glad that I had taken out that advance . 15. Figure out health insurance. Did your 2nd husband adopt your oldest child ? If so, he will be obligated to keep him on his health insurance through work. If not, is your eldest on his father's health insurance ? Once you are divorced, you will not be in your spouse's insurance, so you need to get all check-ups, including mammograms, all other needed medical care, such as dental and podiatric treatment, done now. If there is some kind of surgery that you have been putting off, consider getting it done now if it is necessary. 16. Take yourself and the kids to the dentist. You do not know when you'll have good dental insurance again. Get all of your dental work done. Pay for it by credit card if necessary. 17. Sell old furniture, have unwanted silver and gold melted down ( send it to Northern Refineries = they will give you the fair market price and will not cheat you ). If your DH gets pissed off and quits wearing his wedding ring, ask him if you can have it. Have it melted down. Have any diamonds taken out of jewelry before you send it to be scrapped. You can findtheir website here: www.northernrefineries.com/ 18. Get your attorney to put a freeze on all assets, changing beneficiaries on life insurance policies ( including any held through work ) once you and your husband separate. 19. Get your own life insurance policy ( term ) for your children. You can buy a policy for only $ 20 - $ 30 per month. Make sure you get TERM. You don't need expensive whole life or universal life. 20. Start reading Consumer Reports, Money magazine, or Kiplingers magazines. Try not to eat out. Serve simple meals for your family. 21. Don't use your precious time and energy arguing with DH. I know this sounds weird, but I spent too much of myself on the marriage instead of on my future and on my daughter's well-being. I should have recognized that things had taken a turn for the extreme worse when my first husband started proclaiming weird stuff about being a god and a mage ( He had a spectacular meltdown ), but I was grief-stricken and it took me months to come out of it. He also tried to get to sign stuff but I wouldn't. He also tried to make me take money out of my roll-over IRA to pay for debts, but I wouldn't. 22. Make sure that your car is serviced, and in good repair. If you have a car payment, try to have 1 - 2 car payments saved up so that you can make a payment if you need to. 23. Pay your lights and other utilities a few months ahead if you have the spare cash. Good luck and I hope this post helps you in formulating plans, whether you stay or go... Wow, NG! If I ever divorce, you are the first person I am coming to find. This is some of the best advice I've seen on the boards in terms of comprehensiveness. Karma.
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Deleted
Joined: Apr 29, 2024 9:31:43 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2012 10:24:06 GMT -5
First question : IF your DH went to counseling, acknowldeged his flaws and faults and mistakes and truly wanted to have an honest, loving relationship with you , would you wan that with him?
If so, you said you tried counseling. If you think the marriage is salvagable, i would lay it all on the table and tell him you want brutal honesty from both sides and counseling. And, if he is willing, and you will know in short order if that is the case, it may be possible to save your marriage.
If not, and none of the above is going to happen , THEN, you really need just need to go out and get a job. I would stay put for a bit, get a job job and develop some self confidence and income and then go from there.
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kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
Joined: Nov 22, 2011 16:16:36 GMT -5
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Post by kittensaver on Nov 17, 2012 11:11:13 GMT -5
I think Nasgul Girl has given you AWESOME advice!!
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tloonya
Junior Associate
What status?
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 16:22:13 GMT -5
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Post by tloonya on Nov 17, 2012 14:14:55 GMT -5
les, heart goes out to you... Have you talked to him about all of this? Maybe if you are upfront with him and tell him that you will not cause any scenes and will let him leave - he will reconsider (if that what you want) and this 'hidden sin' will become not so desirable anymore. Some man I knew was telling his story that his 'adulters' were only for adrenalin run.
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p8nt
Familiar Member
Joined: Feb 5, 2011 23:04:56 GMT -5
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Post by p8nt on Nov 17, 2012 15:02:32 GMT -5
(((hugs)))
I'm just coming out of lurkdom, but I wanted to give you support. As someone who spent 7 years trying to fix a relationship with similar problems. I can only tell you from my experience, that I wish I hadn't wasted even 7 days trying to fix it. That distrust remained in the relationship until it's end. Distrust doesn't make for a peaceful life.
I wish you the best of luck.
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les63
Established Member
Joined: Jan 2, 2011 11:30:35 GMT -5
Posts: 360
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Post by les63 on Nov 17, 2012 15:38:30 GMT -5
Thank you all for the advice and suggestions. As of this morning my DH says he is torn. Hates his job and wishes he could go back to Washington state. But he doesn't want to leave DS and hurt me. Nothing is ever dull around here. I want a blah, boring life.
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tloonya
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What status?
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Post by tloonya on Nov 17, 2012 15:56:06 GMT -5
See? He is talking. So he is probably at that point of his life when he is having 'men menopause' or something. So its a good news we know he is not completely heartless bastard! Good luck!
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Deleted
Joined: Apr 29, 2024 9:31:43 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2012 17:30:55 GMT -5
As of this morning my DH says he is torn. Hates his job and wishes he could go back to Washington state. But he doesn't want to leave DS and hurt me. Nothing is ever dull around here. Then maybe it's time to go back therapy and for him to be honest this time around? Therapy doesn't save every relationship - sometimes it tells you that it's time to go. But if you guys can be honest with each other it may help your marriage or your divorce go smoother.
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hoops902
Senior Associate
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Post by hoops902 on Nov 19, 2012 9:34:50 GMT -5
Thank you all for the advice and suggestions. As of this morning my DH says he is torn. Hates his job and wishes he could go back to Washington state. But he doesn't want to leave DS and hurt me. Nothing is ever dull around here. I want a blah, boring life. Maybe I missed this, but why the move from WA to NY anyways? And what are the chances of the family moving back there?
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Nov 19, 2012 17:25:43 GMT -5
I plan on looking to get a part time job in January. My fifteen year old is flying back to Washingon state for the Christmas holidays and so I can wait a bit. I do want to get back in the workforce. Just to get out of the house and meet other people. Being a parent of a special needs child does limit your get out and do things. My parents will help out for the initial divorce funding if need be. I feel I'm in a holding pattern at the moment. If he wants a divorce, he can make the first move. If he wants to take care of our son for the next eight years (which would interfere with his happiness) go for it. Les my sister was in an almost identical situation, except that on top of having a GF for 2 years (an alcoholic bar fly with mental health problems, no less) he cashed out his whole 401K, ran up his credit cards and finally took $10,000 out of their home improvement loan to pay her rent and living expenses. I would have absolutely dumped his ass, but my sister is a nicer person than I am. Her H was having health issues, and she was willing to say those plus a mid life crisis was what drove him to his bad behavior, and she's given him another chance. They went to counseling and are still in counseling, nearly a year later. Their marriage isn't great, his kids barely speak to him, but it's improving. So I would suggest if you really want to try to keep this marriage that you try counseling again, and ask DH to approach it honestly, if he is also interested in keeping the marriage (and if he isn't, well, that's something you need to know, too). Sorry you're going through this, I know how devestating this was to my sister, not only from a fidelity but a monetary point of view. Good luck.
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cottoncandyclouds
Established Member
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Joined: Jul 25, 2011 18:15:52 GMT -5
Posts: 379
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Post by cottoncandyclouds on Nov 23, 2012 12:07:48 GMT -5
I normally wouldn't post on a thread like this,but I wanted you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you Les. I hope that what ever happens it is the best for all of you.
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Deleted
Joined: Apr 29, 2024 9:31:43 GMT -5
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2012 17:14:46 GMT -5
Another don't want to hijack MJ's thread. Here is the situation. DH cheated on me and I found out last May from the other husband. Our marriage has been up and down since then. He also spent a lot of money going to the local bar. We left Washington state and now are residing in New York state. Closer to family which is good because we have an eight year old with severe/moderate autism. I found out after being here for two days that he was still in communication with the "other" woman. Found out a couple weeks later that she was one of his friends on Facebook. I think he has pretty much written me off. His dilemma would be leaving us (I have a fifteen year old son from a previous relationship) and doing who knows what. He is not happy with his job here. Most will probably say kick him out the door. I would but I don't want to be a single parent with a special needs child. I'm 49 and haven't worked for almost 12 years. This is killing me inside. Life really can throw you some curves. I hope this doesn't sound terribly insensitive of me, but... 1. This is your side of the story 2. Stop feeling sorry for yourself 3. If he really is a dog, kick his ass to the curb (get a lawyer, blah, blah, blah) 4. Believe in yourself, again (It seems that the holiday season brings all sorts of things up to the surface) I'm sorry, but life happens to us all. All the best. This too shall pass. Be focused and strong.
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zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,865
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 23, 2012 17:20:37 GMT -5
Robert, did you eat too much turkey yesterday?
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Deleted
Joined: Apr 29, 2024 9:31:43 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2012 17:54:39 GMT -5
Robert, did you eat too much turkey yesterday? I don't really like turkey. But yeah, I ate...and today got on my bike, as in, peddle power. I don't understand why people have to pig out. When your stomach is full, stop feeding it. A great couple of days tho.
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thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,403
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Post by thyme4change on Nov 23, 2012 18:05:45 GMT -5
hoops - do you have anything constructive to add, or are you to just basically shit on every single poster saying that their suggestions suck?
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