Childless at 30 is NOT the end of the world

[susanb]

Hey Light, sorry, no advice, just wanted to say that would be hard. I am not sure if your DH is resents you (I hope not) or just the situation, but it is hard for me not to personalize it sometimes even when my DH is just resentful of a situation that involves me.

Also, I (obviously) agree that childless at 30 is not the world.

[Peace Of Mind]

Awww, lightsdaughter. I'm so sorry for your losses. I would agree with you that being 30 and childless is not the end of the world and that you still have time. I don't know anything about his interests or hobbies to suggest ways to keep his mind occupied until you guys get where you want to be - but if you know some I'd encourage him to pursue those interests in the meantime. Best wishes for you both that you get the lives you dreamed of soon.

[Deleted]

Sorry for your losses

And I agree, 30 and childless is not the end of the world... Actually the norm among our friends. Only a small percentage of us (I would say about 5-10) had kids right after getting married or before 30. The rest of us (25-34) have been together/married for a few years and are still enjoying the DINK phase and for all of us it is either:
- want to enjoy life a bit more without kids
- financial reasons
- don't feel ready
- professional reasons: a lot of us are focusing on our careers right now and/or just getting out of the "entry level" phase and don't want to jeopardize it with having kids and getting on mommy/daddy track

My family/culture on the other hand feels like your husband but they are old school; you get married for 1 reason and 1 reason only: to have kids. The kid is considering the blessing of the union and if within a year you don't have one every one assume you have some problems (fertility wise). But that is slowly changing with my generation as I meet other kids from my culture that are choosing the same path and getting married does not necessarily means you want kids ASAP.

[bean29]

Well I was 29 when I had my first, so childless at 30 does not seem abnormal to me. DS had first at 19 and 3rd at 42 and DH's friend had 1st at 48 and has 2 at 50. I too am sorry for your losses.

Sent from my MB855 using proboards

[giramomma]

Oct 30, 2012 0:49:27 GMT -5 lightsdaughter said:

Besides counseling, where can I point or what can I tell this man to convince him that this is not the end of the world?

I'm also sorry for your losses.

I would suggest he find a counselor that deals with fertility issues. I would call up the fertility clinic(s) and/or birthing centers in your area and see who they would recommend.

I had my heart set on three kids. If we wouldn't have been able to have my last, I probably would have gone through a significant mourning period. And, I have to say, at 37, I don't want more kids. Hell, I don't even want a puppy, because getting up in the middle of the night/long term sleep deprivation (I'm going on over a year now), really isn't my thing. I personally wouldn't want to be sleep deprived for two years in my 40's, even if I could conceive on my own.

[Deleted]

I too am sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you both.

That said, sometimes we aren't really upset with today, but by not knowing how we are going to get from today to the day we want. I'm sure the two of you have a plan about kids, maybe focus on the plan?

I could be completely wrong, obviously, wish you the best.

[taz157]

Oct 30, 2012 6:42:32 GMT -5 oped said:

I too am sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you both.

I thought DH would have had our 1st by the time I was 27/28, but life happened. We had our 1st when I was 32 and DH was 37. We would like more, but we'll see what life brings us.

[happyhoix]

Sorry for your losses.

I think your DH is grieving, both for his lost kids and for what he thought he would have accomplished at this point in his life. You can't really tell other people how they should or shouldn't grieve, or that they need to stop grieving. However I do think it would be useful if you guys could do some couples counseling, or maybe he could see a counselor on his own, to get through this.

Most men are happiest when they are working on solving a problem. Have you guys thought about adoption? I suspect if your DH started working through the adoption process with you it might give him a goal to focus on and this would make him happier. Plus the final outcome would be a baby for both of you.

Just IMHO though.

[busymom]

<HUGS> for you Lights, for what you & your DH have gone thru.


DH & I didn't start our family until our 30's. Partly because we wanted to have our student loans paid off, & partly because I wasn't able to get pregnant for a long time. No regrets now, plus I didn't really want to be a Grandma until I had some gray hair anyway...

[raeoflyte]

Oct 30, 2012 7:48:42 GMT -5 happyhoix said:

Sorry for your losses.

I think your DH is grieving, both for his lost kids and for what he thought he would have accomplished at this point in his life. You can't really tell other people how they should or shouldn't grieve, or that they need to stop grieving. However I do think it would be useful if you guys could do some couples counseling, or maybe he could see a counselor on his own, to get through this.

I agree with all of this. I am so sorry for your losses.

[midjd]

I'm very sorry for your losses.

How well do you and your DH communicate? Do you think you could ferret out whether he's really upset about his career/life path or if it's more about actually wanting kids? My only advice would be - during that conversation - gently point out that having kids doesn't solve any problems. If he's dissatisfied with his career, or his lifestyle, or anything else, a child isn't going to cure that dissatisfaction. Which is not to say you shouldn't keep trying - and 30 is still very young - but a baby isn't a panacea and likely whatever is bothering him now will still be bothering him after kids.

Good luck and hugs to you and DH.

[Deleted]

Oct 30, 2012 0:49:27 GMT -5 lightsdaughter said:

Another spin off from the childless couples thread.

DH is about to turn 30. We do not yet have living children. Neither my miscarriage or our late daughter were intentional pregnancies, but both were wanted. We've been married 6 years and originally delayed having children for financial reasons, but I currently am for health ones.

Lately, DH alternates between vocal resentment or being on the verge of tears because he doesn't have kids yet. I think most of it is related to not being where he thinks he should be in life at age 30. Besides counseling, where can I point or what can I tell this man to convince him that this is not the end of the world?

lightsdaughter,

I am very sorry for your lose....

It's very hard for someone to lose, what ones real wants....
Maybe try to convey to him, you two are still very young and you guys will have many opportunities in the future.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I think your DH is grieving, both for his lost kids and for what he thought he would have accomplished at this point in his life. You can't really tell other people how they should or shouldn't grieve, or that they need to stop grieving. However I do think it would be useful if you guys could do some couples counseling, or maybe he could see a counselor on his own, to get through this.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

DH is about to turn 30. We do not yet have living children. Neither my miscarriage or our late daughter were intentional pregnancies, but both were wanted. We've been married 6 years and originally delayed having children for financial reasons, but I currently am for health ones.

Has this translated into him resenting you because of your health issues? What will happen if your health issues never allow you to have children?

I think you have some hard questions to ask.....and get answered. Counseling sounds imperative, as it seems that your husband is not dealing with these issues well.

[Deleted]

30 certainly isn't too old to have kids. My sis had her daughter at 38.

[Colleenz]

I am so very sorry. Childless not by choice is aweful regardless of age. Would he be open to talking to a counselor? Would you be open to alternate paths to parenthood?

[kgb18]

Besides counseling, where can I point or what can I tell this man to convince him that this is not the end of the world?

Aw lights. I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through.

30 and childless is certainly not the end of the world. I didn't have my kids until I was 32 and 35. But it sounds like it's harder for your DH to accept because he wants children and he was a dad. He's likely still grieving. Is he going to counseling?

[Deleted]

Besides counseling, where can I point or what can I tell this man to convince him that this is not the end of the world?

Unfortunately I think there is nothing you can do or say to him right now. It sounds like he very much needs his own counselor. How are you doing?

[emma1420]

Oct 30, 2012 7:58:31 GMT -5 midjd said:

I'm very sorry for your losses.

How well do you and your DH communicate? Do you think you could ferret out whether he's really upset about his career/life path or if it's more about actually wanting kids? My only advice would be - during that conversation - gently point out that having kids doesn't solve any problems. If he's dissatisfied with his career, or his lifestyle, or anything else, a child isn't going to cure that dissatisfaction. Which is not to say you shouldn't keep trying - and 30 is still very young - but a baby isn't a panacea and likely whatever is bothering him now will still be bothering him after kids.

Good luck and hugs to you and DH.

ICAM with almost all of your post. However, I do disagree that 30 is still very young in terms of starting a family. It might feel young, but biologically most women's fertilty is declining. Not that should be a reason to have a child. And ICAM about a child not being a panacea for other issues.

[HoneyBBQ]

I'm so sorry for your losses. I can't imagine the heartbreak you two must feel. Are you actively trying to conceive? Grief counseling could certainly help you two.

If it's any consolation, my H is 2 DECADES older than your H and we just had a baby (after multiple losses, I am in my mid/late 30's). He is still healthy and fit and very excited to be a father. It isn't ideal age-wise, but you have to deal with what you get in life. If having more children are a priority, I think you two have LOTS and LOTS of time to explore your options.

(big hugs)

[Deleted]

I am so sorry for your losses. I had my one and only baby at 35. I would have liked to have kids sooner and more kids but life happened.

[kgb18]

However, I do disagree that 30 is still very young in terms of starting a family. It might feel young, but biologically most women's fertilty is declining.

Yes and no. Like I said, I was 32 and 35. Both times DH and I said we were going to try to get pregnant and both times we conceived the first try. And I don't mean like first try in terms of a window. We did the deed exactly one time both times and I got pregnant both times. And that was just coming off of Depo Provera. I think if you're a naturally fertile person (which apparently I am) age is less of a factor.

[thyme4change]

I didn't even start to talk about having babies until I was past my 30th birthday.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"Besides counseling, where can I point or what can I tell this man to convince him that this is not the end of the world?":::...

I think this is the wrong attitude. I think the only thing that is going to help is agreeing to a timeline for when you will start trying again. It sounds to me like the only thing that will comfort him is some assurances that you will try again soon. It sounds like you yourself also see that the plan stopped being there. It is frustrating to feel like time is slipping away and you are standing still.

Oped also said it well. 30 is like the "breakout" age where the choices people made in their 20s are going to start returning results and the gaps between peoples means/successes that were small in our 20s can leap forward in our 30s. It is only natural to start feeling left behind.

Trust me on this: if you only take the "look at all you have" approach, he is going to hear it as "there is a starving African with no limbs out there somewhere, so because you have running water, you have no right to complain." True as that may be in certain situations, very few people actually calm down when confronted by that logic.

[Deleted]

"True as that may be in certain situations, very few people actually calm down when confronted by that logic. "

[swamp]

Oct 30, 2012 13:07:14 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

I didn't even start to talk about having babies until I was past my 30th birthday.

[Deleted]

[Phoenix84]

Well, you guys are ahead of me. I'm rapidly appraoching 30 and not even married yet.

There's really not much of a biological clock for men. Men can father children well into their 60's.

Actually, it's fairly normal for people not start a family until they're past 30. My parents didn't have me and my sister until they were in their mid 30's.

[justme]

Nov 1, 2012 11:18:04 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

Well, you guys are ahead of me. I'm rapidly appraoching 30 and not even married yet.

There's really not much of a biological clock for men. Men can father children well into their 60's.

True, but there's research coming out that after the age of 35 sperm mutations start to increase. They are starting to peg the increase in autism and other such things to later paternal age. So it seems there's a prime fertility window for men.

[kgb18]

There's really not much of a biological clock for men.

I don't think that's true. There are also women who have no biological clock. Some people have it, some don't, regardless of gender. I don't think it's necessarily just about the physical ability to have kids.

DH's best friend definitely has a biological clock that has kicked in. He's 35. He wants kids. When he comes over, the first thing he does is ask if he can hold the baby.