Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2012 18:17:17 GMT -5
My DIL and son are the same age. They had their first child at 24 or 25 but mostly because their grandfather was dying. My daughter had her first one at 30 and her last one (she has three) at 36. She thinks she isn't through.
I know it is heartbreaking to lose a child at any stage. A friend of mine went through this many years ago, and she was basically put to bed as soon as she found out she was pregnant. She had had several miscarriages. She couldn't have pulled it off without a strong support system (in this case, a strong church family), but she did. I love her daughter so much! This one and only child was a blessing.
Que sera, que sera. I hate to be so trite, but we can't control a lot of stuff. We can only hope for the best and not lose sight of the good things that are already happening in our lives. I am not Pollyanna, and this may only be my perspective because of a truly awful childhood (father committed suicide when I was five while my mom was on furlough from the state mental hospital . . . you get the drift.)
What I am saying, I guess, is that you can choose to be positive or negative. Choose positive if you can. Choose to be happy for the things you have. I am sure if you and your husband count your blessings, they are many. They just are pushed in the background right now.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2012 7:44:49 GMT -5
light, it's certainly not the end of the world. I had my only son when I was 31. I would have liked to have a second and it never happened, but figured I got a healthy baby at the end of a blissful pregnancy and that was a blessing. My husband at the time was 38. His sister had a baby at the same time; she was 36 and her husband was 46. It was a second marriage for both: his 3rd child, her first. Finally, my niece is pregnant with twins and she's 40. They've been through miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy and given that it's twins I wonder if they had some help from medical technology but I'm so happy for them. It's late enough in the pregnancy now that it looks like they'll take home as couple of babies.
And, so far, I am seeing no downside to (somewhat) late parenthood. I was more financially secure and established in my career, had been to Europe twice, and was ready to slow down a little and enjoy motherhood. My BIL is still alive and well and his son is his pride and joy.
You may have to come to some point where you realize that parenthood isn't an option for you but from the facts you've given us so far you don't have to yet.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2012 22:27:24 GMT -5
30's seems fine, but clearly your DH is struggling with it. He needs a counselor so he can sort out how to deal with the excitement and then loss of your daughter. Also to determine how he wants to go forward on the child front.
Are your mental health issues genetic in nature? If you struggle with day to day living/tasks, perhaps looking to alternate solutions like invitro with his sperm & a donor egg that you carry? Have you been to genetic counseling? That can be really helpful so you understand more clearly what passes to children.
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milee
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Post by milee on Nov 5, 2012 14:51:58 GMT -5
Studies are starting to show that many mental illnesses have a strong genetic link. If both you and your parents have issues with mental illness, that's something to research and consider in your decision.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Nov 5, 2012 15:01:50 GMT -5
One thing I wanted to add is that while 30 and childless *is* fine, and you both have a lot of time to explore options, I know that once that clock went off for me I couldn't stop it. I honestly would have left my husband of 11 years and struck out as a single parent if he hadn't wanted kids at the same time. I know it isn't fair, or reasonable, but I don't know if I could have been either of those things once it went off for me.
So, I really just wanted to add that your dh's feelings are valid (as are yours for wanting to wait), so it will probably take a lot of open loving communication and ideally some therapy to find a place for you to meet up and move forward.
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