InsertCoolName
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Post by InsertCoolName on Oct 26, 2012 16:33:11 GMT -5
My oldest DS's dad is getting a divorce. It turns out that his dad cheated on his wife of 13 years. I know...what an ass. Well I guess wife couldn't handle that and decided it was a good idea to try to kill my son's dad. Police were called. temp restraining order is in place.
The issue is son's step mom wants him to come stay with her tomorrow night. He doesn't want to see her but he doesn't want to be rude either. Plus he's afraid that if he is rude(in her eyes) that it will make it harder on his dad with the divorce.
So how would you handle this? I know what I want to say...but I've got some emotions in this. So I would like to hear from someone who doesn't anyone.
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milee
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Post by milee on Oct 26, 2012 16:35:36 GMT -5
Protect your son and play the bad guy. Let the step mom know that son isn't available to come stay at this time.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 26, 2012 16:35:37 GMT -5
How old is your son?
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dortar
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Post by dortar on Oct 26, 2012 16:35:59 GMT -5
Do I understand your post correctly that the woman who tried to kill the boy's father now wants the boy to come stay with her?
If so, not just no, but HELL NO!
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Oct 26, 2012 16:37:37 GMT -5
I second the "hell no!!"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2012 16:37:57 GMT -5
"tried to kill my son's dad"
Under no circumstances would I trust someone who came unhinged like that with my child. I might consider reinstating visitation after she goes through counseling.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 26, 2012 16:39:25 GMT -5
For god's sake, Mrs. Robinson. Here we are. You got me into your house. You give me a drink. You... put on music. Now you start opening up your personal life to me and tell me your husband won't be home for hours.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Oct 26, 2012 16:40:32 GMT -5
And yet another poor kid who will have to deal with the drama of adults who want to use them as a pawn.
I feel for you and DS. Good luck.
BTW, oh hell no!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2012 16:57:15 GMT -5
She just tried to kill your Son's father. Not only no BUT HELL TO THE NO!!!
Are you kidding me? What tells you since she failed at getting his father she isn't trying to kill him instead?
Hell no! Who cares if you are rude? If he has siblings living with her ask the father when he has them over to let you know so he can get to see them.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 26, 2012 17:18:10 GMT -5
He doesn't want to see her, but you can play the bad guy if needed. She is the step-mom, so she isn't likely going to get custody or visitation out of the divorce. I'm fairly certain she has no legal rights to see the kid & considering the restraining order against his father, I wouldn't want him over there anyway.
Why would he want to see her if she tried to kill his father anyway? Give the boy time to adjust & I suggest counseling also to work through this. Between this & a coming divorce he will have a lot to cope with.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Oct 26, 2012 17:20:33 GMT -5
Do I understand your post correctly that the woman who tried to kill the boy's father now wants the boy to come stay with her? If so, not just no, but HELL NO! ETA: 6th!!! Hell no!!
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InsertCoolName
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Post by InsertCoolName on Oct 26, 2012 17:23:32 GMT -5
Oh thank you everyone!!! I feel the exact same way!!! Just wanted to hear from people who aren't invested, ya know? My son is 16. There has NEVER been abuse at all from this woman to anyone in the house. Ever. She is a bitch sure. She's perhaps bat shit crazy. But again...I can not stand her. Don't like my x too much either!!! But I was happy that he got with someone like her. Ok. That was my evil twin.... ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png) I don't know if she could or would hurt my son. Anything is possible. I'm sure my x is thanking God he didn't have any kids with her. But she has a son who is in his early 20's but no clue where he is these days. And she has a daughter who is 17. I believe the girl has been staying with friends and her dad. And then my son....so thankfully there aren't any younger kids in this fucked up situation. It's hard enough on the teens. Ok. I feel sooooo much better knowing that some very smart strangers don't think I am crazy to say hell fuck no!
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InsertCoolName
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Post by InsertCoolName on Oct 26, 2012 17:30:12 GMT -5
He doesn't want to see her, but you can play the bad guy if needed. She is the step-mom, so she isn't likely going to get custody or visitation out of the divorce. I'm fairly certain she has no legal rights to see the kid & considering the restraining order against his father, I wouldn't want him over there anyway. Why would he want to see her if she tried to kill his father anyway? Give the boy time to adjust & I suggest counseling also to work through this. Between this & a coming divorce he will have a lot to cope with. Ya know..this has been like a horrible year for them. I feel bad for them. Both my x and ms. Bat shit have lost more than one family member. They lost their house. Both of the trucks died. Older trucks so not a complete surprise. She has had medical issues. For the most part they have kept their issues quiet. But somethings just can't be kept quiet. Like becoming homeless. But will tell my son that if he wants to talk to someone then I will make an appointment. And just so it's out there.....this is soooooo hard to not break the rule of never putting down a parent. And for me...that goes for step-parents as well. Step-parents can be very positive in a childs life, they don't need to hear trash talk about them anymore than they don't need to hear trash talk about their parents. But thanks for the advice. I'm invested and probably won't be thinking clearly or even fairly on this.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 26, 2012 18:01:30 GMT -5
And just so it's out there.....this is soooooo hard to not break the rule of never putting down a parent. And for me...that goes for step-parents as well. Step-parents can be very positive in a childs life, they don't need to hear trash talk about them anymore than they don't need to hear trash talk about their parents. But thanks for the advice. I'm invested and probably won't be thinking clearly or even fairly on this. I think given the situation you don't need to keep to the trash talk rule. The boy is pretty much an adult & I'm sure has opinions on her already. He might want to talk to you about what happened. Sure you don't need to rip apart every decision she has ever made, but I think it is fair to condemn this choice of hers.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Oct 26, 2012 18:22:13 GMT -5
I'm very sorry for all concerned. Like I said in the other thread about the crazy co-worker; there are some people who, when they get mad, do not follow the rules. If you aren't willing to do whatever it takes to outmatch them, then your only other option is to keep yourself out of harms way.
Any idea why the Dad cheated? I bet she is going to mention that a lot.
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InsertCoolName
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Post by InsertCoolName on Oct 26, 2012 19:26:16 GMT -5
Well after talking to my xMIL- who I totally kept in the divorce by the way ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png) - I told my son that I do not WANT him near her. He's scared of what will happen now though. If he sends her a text saying he isn't coming out, then she will give him hell via texts. If he just doesn't show up out there she will come looking for him, he thinks. I would guess he cheated because he was unhappy? I gather from xmil that my x has been beaten/abused for pretty much the entire marriage. It's really a sad thing. I don't exactly care for my x but he doesn't deserve to be abused. And still not an excuse to cheat. He should have just left....but I know it's alot harder to just walk away from that type of shit. I don't know, maybe this new woman made him feel better about his self and gave him reason to leave? And the step-mom also already has a new guy and the new guy would be there too. I'm sure that would make my son feel oh soo good. ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/what_smile.png)
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Oct 26, 2012 19:34:59 GMT -5
Well after talking to my xMIL- who I totally kept in the divorce by the way ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png) - I told my son that I do not WANT him near her. He's scared of what will happen now though. If he sends her a text saying he isn't coming out, then she will give him hell via texts. If he just doesn't show up out there she will come looking for him, he thinks. I would guess he cheated because he was unhappy? I gather from xmil that my x has been beaten/abused for pretty much the entire marriage. It's really a sad thing. I don't exactly care for my x but he doesn't deserve to be abused. And still not an excuse to cheat. He should have just left....but I know it's alot harder to just walk away from that type of shit. I don't know, maybe this new woman made him feel better about his self and gave him reason to leave? And the step-mom also already has a new guy and the new guy would be there too. I'm sure that would make my son feel oh soo good. ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/what_smile.png) Call or send her a text yourself. I would not want to let my son be a potential victim. This sounds like a crazy situation that may not be over. Good luck and keep you and your son safe.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Oct 26, 2012 19:55:46 GMT -5
I assume your ex has a restraining order against her? Does that restraining order also cover his son? I have a bat s*it crazy ex SIL who got a bogus restraining order against anither SIL and we could not have BIL + his kids w/o ex + SIL at family gatherings until rest order expired. A rest order should also cover text messages.
Sent from my MB855 using proboards
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susanb
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Post by susanb on Oct 26, 2012 19:57:27 GMT -5
Please tell your son that he is not responsible for making the divorce easier on his dad (other than by being kind).
Kids are not responsible for solving the problems of adults. Tell him this again and again if stuff like this comes up through the process until he believes it.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 26, 2012 20:00:08 GMT -5
Tell her he's out of town or his counselor says NO if you do not want to get in her face.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2012 20:02:06 GMT -5
Just to keep the unanimousity going...HELL NO!
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Oct 26, 2012 20:03:55 GMT -5
Please tell your son that he is not responsible for making the divorce easier on his dad (other than by being kind). Kids are not responsible for solving the problems of adults. Tell him this again and again if stuff like this comes up through the process until he believes it. ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/thumbsup.png)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2012 20:05:29 GMT -5
All he has to do is text her that he won't be there, then block her number on his phone. Problem solved.
Her new BF will be there and she wants her step-son to visit? WTF? I don't think so. That's just plain weird, even if she hadn't tried to kill his dad.
WWBG...Any idea why the dad cheated? What? Are you kidding? Dads cheat. Moms cheat. BFs and GFs cheat. And as many people who cheat there are that many reasons excuses why.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Oct 26, 2012 20:41:07 GMT -5
Late to the game as I see you've already made your decision.. and I agree with you and everyone else... hell no!!! Especially given the fact that yor son is 16 and doesn't want to see her. ![](http://forums.clubrsx.com/images/smilies/yeahthat.gif)
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 26, 2012 20:46:36 GMT -5
Don't let her harass your son. Get a restraining order if necessary. I would be worried about what behavior your son has been exposed to if she has been abusive for a while. I would seriously try to get this woman out of yours son's life completely. For her to want contact at all during the no contact order seems really manipulative to me.
Was your son there when this happened? He should part of the temporary order automatically if he was.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Oct 26, 2012 20:46:55 GMT -5
...:::"I gather from xmil that my x has been beaten/abused for pretty much the entire marriage. It's really a sad thing. I don't exactly care for my x but he doesn't deserve to be abused.":::...
This is why I asked. And to clarify, the "she" I meant was the ex, not the OP. The steps new guy adds an even deeper layer of crazy to the mix.
I'm really wishing the best for your son.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 26, 2012 21:00:12 GMT -5
You don't want to put your son in the middle of the two of them. If the wife wants someone to stay with her, she should have her own daughter and son do so.
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InsertCoolName
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Post by InsertCoolName on Oct 26, 2012 21:17:13 GMT -5
Oh I agree with you all.
And no my son was NOT there when it happened. The kids have never seen any abuse. She only done it when they were gone. And ya know....I always wondered why she would insist that both of them had to gone on the same days....now I know. Sick. But thankful at the same time.
I thought that there was a no contact order in place but now I'm not so sure. I guess the last beating(tire tool to his back) took place 2-3 weeks ago. And then a week ago my x just left after she told him he had to go make a phone call to cancel her hair appointment. Or something like that. Who knows.
I can kinda understand why my son would want to see her. She has been in his life since he was 3. But, I think that people who are evil and can be very manipulative are able to fool/brainwash others. It's gonna take my son some time to process all of this. And it's going to be a very harsh pill once he does.
I intend to keep him away from her. However, his dad and I have shared custody. So he is with us both half the time. I have NO control over what goes on when he is with his dad. Until I KNOW that my son is being put in danger...there's not a thing I can do about that. While he is with me...you better believe I will keep him away from her.
Tenn- I would say that's what she should do. But her son who is 26 took off years ago and has never come back. And her daughter...doesn't want anything to do with her mother either. She could give a whole new meaning to bat shit crazy. Feel somewhat bad for the new guy. LOL
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2012 21:30:01 GMT -5
Wow I'm so sorry your son (and you) are dealing with this.
Even if she has been in his life since your son was 3, she has no biological ties to him, and she forfeited any rights to a relationship with him the day she tried to kill his dad.
Know that I do NOT take step-parenting lightly, my DH is technically step-dad to my older three.
I find that in a situation like this, it would probably be easier for your son to have the decision taken out of his hands and to have him tell her, sorry, my mom won't let me go. He can even add a few choice names for you if he feels the need to "appease" her. Who cares?! The important thing is that he stays safe, and OUT of that craziness.
That way YOU take the blame, rather than him. And you'd be taking one thing off his plate, because his plate is quite full now.
Best of luck to both of you.
ETA: I understand that you and your ex both have shared custody but in my experience it's nigh impossible to make a 16YO go someplace they don't want to go. I'd just tell him for now you're better off here, and facilitate any interactions with his dad, and tell him that once his dad is settled again, of course he'll again be welcome to spend time there with him. Of course I don't know how amical your relationship with your ex is, but maybe you would consider inviting him over once in a while during this period so your son could see his dad in a safe place (ie your home)?
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InsertCoolName
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Post by InsertCoolName on Oct 26, 2012 22:12:25 GMT -5
Honestly most of the issues I had with my x were started by her. I finally got them(her) to stop bothering me when I threw back in her face the exact thing her lawyer told her x. From 2002 til 2006 they were constantly taking me to court. I have enjoyed the peace since then. Not sure if the x and I would have had any issues if she hadn't been in the picture. I doubt it. We got a divorce and only had to do what was best for our child. Neither of us gave a fuck what the other was doing. Whole point of a divorce! And my son has been staying with his grandparents on his dad's time because they just lost their house. Living in an RV isn't fun. So my x continues to keep our child out of it as much as possible.
I kinda think that my son believed that he had to keep the relationship with her. I told him that it's ok for him to feel everything that he is feeling. And then I also told him that IF he needed to talk to someone who wasn't emotionally involved I would totally get him set up with someone. He's such a laid back kid and this is getting to him.
It's just soooo hard for me to talk to him and be 'adult' in this. I seriously have nothing nice or good to say about this woman. I don't feel like he needs to hear that right now.
Some days I hate having to be an adult. It sucks.
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