Would you be grateful, annoyed or neither

[whoisjohngalt]

Ever since I had kid(s), every time my SIL sends me a B-day, anniversary or mother's day card she says the same thing:

"we hope you have a great ...., but you already have the best gifts in the world, DS1, DS2 and DS3 - what more could you want for".

Now, I was raised that whenever someone gives you a gift/card, etc you just say "thank you" and leave it at that, so I've never said or implied anything to her. I did tell my DH that it's absurd, she doesn't like me to begin with and I really don't need such convoluted cards from her, but again, neither of us would think it's appropriate to say anything to her.

So, would you be annoyed, amused, grateful for the card (at least she sends them) or none of those?

Just curious
Lena

P.S. I do have to say (as a full disclosure)- she has always wanted kids, had one miscarriage and is not able to have kids, so children are kind of a sore subject for her

[midjd]

I would've answered 'annoyed' (maybe that's not the right word... but I would roll my eyes at that card) until I got to the P.S., which makes me sad.

[Deleted]

I would just ignore it. I think it would be annoying be it intentional or not. But, it's just a card so i would let it go.

[Deleted]

Maybe she really, really, REALLY feels that your kids are the best gift in the world.

If it's a jab I would probably be amused more than annoyed and add her to the list of relatives that I am glad to only interact with a couple of times a year.

[thyme4change]

Depends on my mood - so YES!

[Deleted]

I think you're reading a lot into it or we're not hearing the whole story - or a combination of both...

From your PS - I think she truly means what she is writing - it sounds like she really wants kids and is envious of you and your family....

[whoisjohngalt]

What is it that you find annoying? That she doesn't think there in anything that you could want for since you have children?

I find it annoying/interesting that ever since I had kids people don't see me as a person, but as a mother. May be it's bc I don't work, I don't know....

Someone actually asked me if I would like a baby item (can't remember what it was) as MY b-day present.

Lena

ETA: bouncer. Someone wanted to give me a bouncer as a b-day gift. My baby was 3 mo old and my b-day was coming up and that was their idea for my gift. I said, "no, thank you" and left it at that.

[Taxman10]

Oct 24, 2012 12:28:44 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

Ever since I had kid(s), every time my SIL sends me a B-day, anniversary or mother's day card she says the same thing:

"we hope you have a great ...., but you already have the best gifts in the world, DS1, DS2 and DS3 - what more could you want for".

Now, I was raised that whenever someone gives you a gift/card, etc you just say "thank you" and leave it at that, so I've never said or implied anything to her. I did tell my DH that it's absurd, she doesn't like me to begin with and I really don't need such convoluted cards from her, but again, neither of us would think it's appropriate to say anything to her.

So, would you be annoyed, amused, grateful for the card (at least she sends them) or none of those?

Just curious
Lena

P.S. I do have to say (as a full disclosure)- she has always wanted kids, had one miscarriage and is not able to have kids, so children are kind of a sore subject for her

next time you send her a card, write: "I hope you havea great day, of course it could never be as great as mine since I have DS, Dd, and DD...oh and by the way...YOU SUCK!"

that should fix the problem

you're welcome :-)

[giramomma]

Oct 24, 2012 12:40:25 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

What is it that you find annoying? That she doesn't think there in anything that you could want for since you have children?

I find it annoying/interesting that ever since I had kids people don't see me as a person, but as a mother..

I'd be annoyed too, just for that reason. And I have IF issues. For us conceiving wasn't particularly easy.

Of course I'm grateful that I have my kids and that they are all healthy. It goes without saying.

But there's more than I want. Like a job that will support my healthy family.

ETA: I tend not to romanticize things like love and kids. I don't think love is the answer to everything, and neither is having kids.

[8 Bit WWBG]

I focused more on the "its the same thing every time". I know there are only so many things to write on a card, but a LITTLE variation should be expected!

I'd also surmise that if she is like this NOW, it'll only get worse.

...:::"I find it annoying/interesting that ever since I had kids people don't see me as a person, but as a mother.":::...

I think some people do this to themselves as well (not saying you do, just that some do). I know its YM heresy depending on the thread, but sometimes you DO have to put yourself first. If you put everyone else first, you come last.

[shanendoah]

For you own mental health, I guess I'd suggest you find a way to be amused. Do the old Johnny Carson routine, and when you get a card from SIL, hold it up to your head, unopened and "guess" what it will say, then open it to see if you are right, type of thing. (Obviously, don't so this in front of SIL or other ILs, though in front of DH should be fine.)

I am sad for your SIL. It's got to be very difficult on her that she didn't like you to begin with and then you were able to have 3 lovely children and she can't have any. At the same time, birth isn't the only way to have children (said as someone who is in the adoption process), and if she can't get over this, that is, in fact, her issue, not yours.

[milee]

Probably best if people sending cards do their best to make the spirit of the card "about" the person receiving the card. SIL doesn't mean to, but is making the cards about her when she references her desire for a family, not about Lena, who just wants a happy birthday.

And I know this will sound very harsh, but it's a bit of a party foul to send a card or other celebration message as from a dead child as well. I'm sure it was meant well, but that's essentially the opposite of a happy wish for the person receiving the card. Instead the card is yet another way to share personal pain and grief, which is approximately opposite of "happy birthday". Which is completely, totally understandable, but not really a nice thing to do to the recipient.

On the other hand, when you get a card or gift, it's gracious to acknowledge and accept it in the best possible light and assume the sender meant positive things even if s/he is too hung up on her own situation to step back from it long enough to wish you well.

[dannylion]

Other people are going to be themselves, not what we want them to be. We can't control what they do, but we can control how we let their actions make us feel and how we react. This seems like a very small thing, even though it does happen repeatedly. Given her history, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and take it at face value as something she sincerely believes. How she handles her grief at not having children is not your problem, and the part that intersects your life is just a comment on a card, probably meant in a loving manner. Let it go. Give her a hug and let it go.

[whoisjohngalt]

Hey, just so you all know - I do look at the bright side - at least this time, after almost 8 yrs she spelled my name correctly. This is the 1st time it happened, so there is some progress right there ;D

[midjd]

Oct 24, 2012 13:13:40 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

Hey, just so you all know - I do look at the bright side - at least this time, after almost 8 yrs she spelled my name correctly. This is the 1st time it happened, so there is some progress right there ;D

Wait what? Your name is four letters long!

[whoisjohngalt]

Wait what? Your name is four letters long!

It's actually 6 and yes, she misspelled every.single.time until this year....

[CarolinaKat]

The cards are sweet, but they'd make me feel stabby personally. I hate being pigeon-holed based on my relationship to another person instead of who I am.

FWIW all my babies have fur. But I don't see this stance changing when I have human babies

[greenstone]

Next time you talk to her gush about how much you love, love, love the message she writes in your cards and how much you look forward to reading it.

If she truly doesn't like you she will stop out of spite.

[Chocolate Lover]

Oct 24, 2012 13:34:16 GMT -5 greenstone said:

Next time you talk to her gush about how much you love, love, love the message she writes in your cards and how much you look forward to reading it.

If she truly doesn't like you she will stop out of spite.

Or start writing your own message on her cards when you send them. "I'd send you a gift but you have "me" time all the time, what could be better"

[InsertCoolName]

It's not totally the same but people tell me I don't need nor should I want anything for Mother's day because I have the gift already. Thanks but I would enjoy something for just me. Even if I could only get through a shower without someone knocking on the door. Instead I just nod and smile and go buy my own damn gift.

But I understand why it would be annoying.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

What do you talk about when you're together?

With some women who have had children, their conversation is dominated by their children and they can't talk about anything else. Another site I'm on calls it babyjacking the conversation.

If you've ever been the recipient of it, then you'd know how annoying it can be. I've been the recipient of this and I was trapped on a boat with 2 relatively new moms that were doing this. By the end of the day, I was ready to swim for shore.

Not saying you are doing this, but it might be something you'd want to be aware of as it could possibly be spurring the responses you're getting.

JMHO

[whoisjohngalt]

What do you talk about when you're together?

We don't talk much, she doesn't like me, so she usually ignores me

But I do know what you are talking about. The thing is - I am with my kids 24/7, so when I do get a chance to talk to an adult it's about anything BUT my kids

[Works4me]

Oct 24, 2012 13:45:29 GMT -5 Chocolate Lover said:

Oct 24, 2012 13:34:16 GMT -5 greenstone said:

Next time you talk to her gush about how much you love, love, love the message she writes in your cards and how much you look forward to reading it.

If she truly doesn't like you she will stop out of spite.

Or start writing your own message on her cards when you send them. "I'd send you a gift but you have "me" time all the time, what could be better"

But only when hiding behind my keyboard this way!

[Peace Of Mind]

Knowing that she wants kids and can't have them I would feel bad for her so I guess my answer is neither. And if what you say is true and she doesn't really like you that's probably the nicest thing she could think of to say. Or it's an excuse for not getting you a present.

ETA: Happy Birthday!

[hoops902]

::We don't talk much, she doesn't like me, so she usually ignores me ::

So then the only real link you likely have is that she's the aunt to your kids, and you're the mother of her nephews.

It's not like she's writing "We hope you have a great....but it'll be hard when you've got 3 repulsive children."

[sheilaincali]

I think you're reading too much into her message. I'm willing to bet that if someone compared the signature lines on all the cards they get from me they'd all say the same thing "Happy xyz, Hope you have a great day. Love Sheila and the Boys". Occasionally I may mix things up and write out DH's and DS' names. But seriously I get them impression that given that she doesn't like you that you aren't a big fan of hers either. I'd just be appreciative that she thinks highly of you enough to make the effort to buy a card, sign in, address it, stamp it and put it in the mail.

BTW- as a grown adult I don't expect birthday presents from anyone but my husband. Occasionally friends or family will give me a token present and my BFF and I send each other flowers 2 or 3 times a year but that's just something we do.

[busymom]

I wouldn't let it bother me. She probably truly wishes to have children of her own, & feels you are blessed. (And you ARE blessed.)

[Nazgul Girl]

How many ways are there to spell " Lena " ? Does she call you " Lana " ? I guess I would chalk it up to " people are strange." At least she sends you a card. I haven't received a card from my SIL in 25 years.....

[seriousthistime]

I'd just be appreciative that she thinks highly of you enough to make the effort to buy a card, sign in, address it, stamp it and put it in the mail.

[Opti]

Oct 24, 2012 13:45:29 GMT -5 Chocolate Lover said:

Oct 24, 2012 13:34:16 GMT -5 greenstone said:

Next time you talk to her gush about how much you love, love, love the message she writes in your cards and how much you look forward to reading it.

If she truly doesn't like you she will stop out of spite.

Or start writing your own message on her cards when you send them. "I'd send you a gift but you have "me" time all the time, what could be better"

I'd consider doing what CL suggested. I'd be annoyed. It is not because of you she has or does not have children. For two years I'd give it a pass, after that its either passive aggressive or someone who thinks you owe them sympathy.

Depending on what you want and how you think she'd respond I'd probably say something. I'd start with I like the birthday cards you send me, but I don't expect a gift so you don't have to use that standard excuse you know. If she complains about how lucky you are to have kids I'd go one way and if she just said OK you hopefully are done.

I think she is trying to manipulate you more than be sincere and given she doesn't like you the odds are pretty good that's on the right track if not entirely correct. If you actually got along I would tell her that resenting others for something you want is the best way energetically to insure you *never* get it. Someone who is nice and really did want kids might want to know that.