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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2012 17:00:30 GMT -5
Sorry Swamp to hear about your mom. That's a tough deal on top of everything else. I agree with the others who say lower your standards and delegate more to your kids. Along with the non epitaph of "I wished I stayed longer at the office" is "I wish I had kept my house cleaner".
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vonna
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Post by vonna on Oct 12, 2012 17:15:37 GMT -5
Hi Swamp,
How many scheduled activities are your kids involved in? I have no idea what your stance is with kid activities, but I have many friends that have such stressful schedules due to kid activities. I think many kids get "burnt out" at such young ages these days due to hectic schedules.
Maybe putting a limit on those will bring some much needed down time to you and the household?
Just a thought, may not apply to your situation.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2012 17:22:28 GMT -5
Swamp
You have had a lot of great advice here. I love Vonna's advice about kids' activities. Mine were limited to two each outside school. So technically three, because I sent them to English school too through nursery and primary.
I think the real issue for you is that you are partners with a guy who is significantly older than you and doesn't have anywhere near the family obligations you have. He also doesn't seem to like the idea of change, and I'm guessing he just wants to "coast" into either retirement or a heart attack at his desk or on the golf course.
If you were partners with a person closer to your age, or slightly older or slightly younger, my guess is that assuming you hire the right person, your life could indeed be much easier / more flexible.
All this to say, having seen you post about these issues before, I'm not sure that you can resolve them to your satisfaction in your current place of employment, with your current partner.
Hugs! And I hope your mom gets much better very soon.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2012 17:27:36 GMT -5
Also, last time you talked to him about your dissatisfaction with your current situation, you got a nice raise and a bonus, if I remember correctly. But, that's not what you really wanted, you wanted more time off / flexibility. I think you need to talk to him again, and be franker with him. Tell him the truth, that you're feeling overwhelmed, and that "something's gotta give". Maybe he will agree to 4 days in the office instead of 5, or shorter days, whatever. Although since you say court dates are all over the place, you may have to schedule your time out of the office as you can. Maybe you can come to a compromise about hiring a third person, then changing your schedule in six months, once the third person knows what they are doing. I seem to remember you have a significant commute. How about negotiating to work from home one or two days a week? At least those days you can organize your own schedule. And if he isn't willing to work with you, maybe it is time to move on (since you were thinking about that too.) My guess is that he will though. Look at Thyme ... she wanted to leave, she asked, she got. What do you have to lose?!
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Virgil Showlion
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Post by Virgil Showlion on Oct 12, 2012 17:32:43 GMT -5
I love Pizza Hut. I am so unrefined ;D I was going to say: What's wrong with pizza hut? We get it every second Friday as a treat. No work for me or Ms. Virgil, and we can get wings, salads, etc. as sides if we want to mix n' match. ETA: ...a-a-a-a-and I probably should have read beyond the first page before commenting.
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Tired Tess
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Post by Tired Tess on Oct 12, 2012 17:51:00 GMT -5
Swamp, hope all goes well with your Mom. Don't really have any good advice or hints for you. I feel like I'm in the same boat. But if I come up with a good idea I'll share it !
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Oct 12, 2012 21:40:57 GMT -5
CelticCougar: I disagree. I fully intend to have it all. But for me, having it all means the same thing it used to for men- I intend to have the job, the kid, and a stay at home husband. Do you have a SAHH now, or are you talking about the future? And I'm thinking those kinds of guys are really rare, because even if they wanted to be a SAHH, the social stigma would end up eating them alive. It's not fair, but it's the way it is. Modified to fix the acronym. Standing in my driveway I can see the homes where two SAHH/Ds live. There is another one about a mile away, and a 4th and 5th within 2 more miles. There are still more SAHW/Ms in my neighborhood, but I'm glad to see that more families are choosing to do what works for them. And, FWIW, I've never heard anything disparaging about any of the SAHH/Ds.
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quince
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Post by quince on Oct 12, 2012 21:45:26 GMT -5
...I really, really understand how you feel.
I hope you get through it and can figure out a way to make your world fit you better. Life is more fun when the chores are interspersed with rewards.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 13, 2012 14:50:59 GMT -5
Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts and suggestions.
I am going to see about working from home on tuesdays or Wednesdays, the days I am least likely to have court, ir if i have court, it would be in the morning My husband supports it.
And my mom is doing ok. She is supposed to be discharged today, she had her 8th stent put in. They also found that her arteries in her legs may be blocked and that her sugar levels aren't as well controlled as she believed they were.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2012 15:37:29 GMT -5
Sorry about your mom, Swamp, and good thoughts that she'll improve now that the arteries/sugar level problems have been diagnosed.
Maybe working from home on Tuesdays AND Wednesdays when you don't have court?
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Oct 13, 2012 16:23:02 GMT -5
Swamp, sorry to hear about your mother as well, but glad to hear that the medical folks are wise to her issues. Hopefully they'll monitor her closely going forward.
On the work front, can I play "devil's advocate"? If you work at home one or two days, aren't you still going to be working? Is it the office commute/environment that is getting to you or the daily grind? Because based on what you've said, I'm thinking you need fewer *working* hours, not the same number of working hours in a different place, kwim?
I'm a statistical anomaly. I found that, once my kids hit school age, the parenting demands actually increased rather than eased. Almost anyone can feed a baby/toddler/preschooler, play with one, put one down for a nap, keep one safe in the confines of a safe space, etc. That stuff can be hired out easily and usually with good results. But, some school age kids need their parents to be in the moment when they get home after a long day. It's no longer just a matter of feeding them dinner, giving them a bath, reading some stories and tucking them in. Now, there's a whole litany of the day's events to hear, process, and support; homework which may or may not be independently done depending upon the child's age or simply the child; organizing and preparing everyone for the next day; answering deep questions usually posed just as they are crawling into bed and your brain is shutting down for the night; etc. So, for me (and I readily admitted at the start that I am the exception, not the rule), the only way I could increase my psychic energy was to cut back (and eventually out of) work.
My point is, give some thought to what your *really* need: time out of the office but working at home for the same hours OR time at home not working.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Oct 13, 2012 16:27:28 GMT -5
I'm sorry to hear of your mother's troubles, swamp. Hopefully, they can get those sugar levels under control. That problem is just adding to the others. Is she going to have the arteries in her legs handled at home, or stay in FL for that?
I hear you about the responsibility issues. It's just mother and I here, and mother requires 24/7/365 care. There are certainly days when I'd like to hop a plane for the other side of the universe!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2012 18:57:34 GMT -5
Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts and suggestions. I am going to see about working from home on tuesdays or Wednesdays, the days I am least likely to have court, ir if i have court, it would be in the morning My husband supports it. And my mom is doing ok. She is supposed to be discharged today, she had her 8th stent put in. They also found that her arteries in her legs may be blocked and that her sugar levels aren't as well controlled as she believed they were. swamp, Take care!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2012 19:11:22 GMT -5
Hope your mother is better soon. I seem to remember you that you charged a flat fee for service. Is it possible to charge more and work less? edited: You've also mentioned that your DH works irregular hours, or at least holidays and weekends sometimes. Is that adding to your stress because some weeks you have to be on it every single day? Is it possible for him to get a job with friendlier hours and take some of the weight off your shoulders?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2012 19:22:01 GMT -5
If cutting hours doesn't work, try paying someone to clean or for coking, something to free up time... Relax standards some, and do something for yourself...
Can you carpool to activities?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 13, 2012 19:41:59 GMT -5
Actually, DHs job is more family friendly than mine. He does work every third weekend, and some holidays, but he's done most days at 4. His only other choice is retail pharmacy, which has horrible hours meh left it when we started a family.
I can't charge more. We're pretty much at waht the market will support. And some charges are statutorily set.
Carpool doesn't work because I live in the middle of nowhere and don't have anyone near me to carpool with.
I have hired a cleaning lady, but they don't have personal chef services here.
Someone amps key about kid activities. Right now it's just DD has dance on Fridays. Soon, DS will start hip hop dance class, that's once a week. Then he'll also habpve hockey which is twice a week. DD is going to try figure skating. I don't know how often that is. Last year she hated hockey. Once those end, it's tpbaseball, they're on the same team.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2012 20:13:13 GMT -5
Does husband do some if the running then? Or more cooking than pizza hut?
Maybe not chef service, although maybe there are some options out there... a Sahm who could earn a few $ cooking double some nights? Would the cleaning lady do a meal?..,, ... but also maybe paying for better take out, or more convenient cuts of meat, etc...
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 13, 2012 20:15:58 GMT -5
My husband does some of the running. His cooking sucks and I would prefer he didn't try to cook. He thinks butter is a beverage. I do double batches and have a few go to quick meals.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2012 20:16:04 GMT -5
but they don't have personal chef services here. have you tried advertising on craigslist? There's a surprising number of people who went to culinary school. There's also another website where chef types post the items they are willing to do and you can hire them - I'll have to ask my friend what it is.
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saveinla
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Post by saveinla on Oct 13, 2012 20:20:13 GMT -5
I second the looking for someone who cooks option - I found a lady close to me who does home cooking. On days when I am frazzled or sick (or just plain tired of my cooking), I just have to call her- the day before or in the morning and dinner will be ready by the time I get off from work.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Oct 14, 2012 6:55:26 GMT -5
Swampy, I'm glad that your mom is doing better. Sometimes, high-drive and highly-scheduled people are able to do it all until that one final straw. Your mom's sudden chest pains might have gotten you to really think about the future.
My sister is high-drive, high-performing like yourself. She's an architect and building project manager, and perfection is her mantra. " Must.....be......perfect....." So, a high stress personality. When her kids were young, her job responsibilities were ramping up at the same time, due to a couple of promotions. She negotiated an agreement with her department that she would work four nine-hour days at the office, and one 4 hour day from home on Fridays. That way, she had one afternoon off to do what she needed to do.
With a good old male partner like yours, I'd just tell him that it's going to " work best " for you if you work at home from Tuesdays, and that you're giving it a "trial run with schedule variances if there's court." He's probably more likely to accept the change if you just sort of let him know that you're " trialling " this schedule change. " Trialling " is a big term used around the hospital. So is " tasking." Hilarious. Anyway, he might just say to himself, " hmmmm " and leave it like that. You don't want to leave the firm, because when he either finally retires ( yes, I know he never plans to retire ), or unfortuantely pops an artery due his stressful lifestyle, you want to be able to gather his stable of clients and ongoing cases, and put their fees into your pocket. College looms. He probably relies on you to fill in the cracks at work, so he'll most likely acquiesce.
Good luck.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Oct 14, 2012 6:57:50 GMT -5
I don't have a herbie. I thought that was your DH's nickname ? You're going to make it work. You'll just re-arrange yoru schedule at the office a little bit, and give DH one night a week when he's going to go with the kids to their lessons and you're going to sit on your ass and ENJOY yourself.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 14, 2012 7:32:54 GMT -5
Take a vacation without the kids and hubby Or if you are in the mood take hubby with you too, but don't feel obligated!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 14, 2012 17:57:26 GMT -5
On the work front, can I play "devil's advocate"? If you work at home one or two days, aren't you still going to be working? Is it the office commute/environment that is getting to you or the daily grind? Because based on what you've said, I'm thinking you need fewer *working* hours, not the same number of working hours in a different place, kwim?
I'm a statistical anomaly. I found that, once my kids hit school age, the parenting demands actually increased rather than eased. Almost anyone can feed a baby/toddler/preschooler, play with one, put one down for a nap, keep one safe in the confines of a safe space, etc. That stuff can be hired out easily and usually with good results. But, some school age kids need their parents to be in the moment when they get home after a long day.
I TOTALLY agree with this. I actually thought I was the first person on these boards to suggest that "anybody competent" could take care of a baby but not an older child with different needs.
This said, even if Swamp works from home only one or two days a week, she WILL be home to hear / deal with all that. Plus, from what I remember, she DOES have a significant commute.
Swamp, I have a rather diabolical response. I think you should offer to work 80% (or 70%, whatever).
Your partner has already given you a raise and a bonus last time you "complained". So if you want more free time, NOW is the time to tell him, "Thanks, I truly appreciate it, but I'm afraid it's still not working out. So, I need to reduce my hours and I'm willing to either take a pay cut, or change the way we do things together. Perhaps now is the time to hire a third person / move offices / set up a second office in my house / dissolve the partnership / whatever."
DON'T BACK DOWN SWAMP! You can't see it, but you are in a position of strength here. I'm certainly NOT advocating for you to be unreasonable, but we all know, that's not your nature. But, stand up for what you need, because you won't get 20 opportunities to do so in your lifetime. I guarantee you that.
For all you know his wife is begging him to stop working, so he'd love the opportunity to get out. You just don't know unless you talk to each other honestly.
There are turning points in one's life.
I stand by what I said ... I think your business parter has no idea of what you are up against. He probably really thought you just wanted more money.
My guess is that with your last raise, hopefully you won't feel that pay cut very much, if at all.
But, you need to stand firm about what your needs are. Nobody else can help you do that, only you. (We are all cheering you on though!)
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Post by Deleted on Oct 14, 2012 18:06:32 GMT -5
You are not an anomaly. I have long said/believed kids need you more in the middle+ years than the first few.
I easily freelanced the first few years I homescooled the kids, but as their academics are more demanding and they have more places they need to be, developing social needs, etc. It takes a lot more time and energy. I haven't freelanced for years now.
If they were in school, I'd still try to be home when they were, events, homework, just needing someone to talk to, offer guidance... It DOES get more involved as they grow...
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 15, 2012 9:20:56 GMT -5
next week, i am going to start working from home on tuesdays. we'll see how that goes.
my partner says he's staying for 2 years, and there are going to be a ton of changes in the court system with retirements. it's pretty well known that i would like a clerkship job. we'll see how that plays out.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Oct 15, 2012 11:36:07 GMT -5
Good for you, swamp.
Hope your DD had a great birthday yesterday.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Oct 15, 2012 12:53:28 GMT -5
Sweet deal in the short term.
And, it seems like there will be big changes one way or another down the road. Start giving some real thought to what you want, what you want to do better, and how it will all work with your family's and your (own) needs.
So, pjs, coffee, tunes, and maybe some work next Tuesday?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 15, 2012 14:52:45 GMT -5
No, sadly next tuesday is court at 9, a client home visit, and another court at 1:30 with work at home in between.
but the courts were already scheduled, so i can't cancel them.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Oct 15, 2012 17:42:50 GMT -5
Good luck and have fun when you start working at fun, Swamp. I love it.
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