Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Oct 8, 2012 19:16:34 GMT -5
Only a few more days, baby!!!
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Rocky Mtn Saver
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Post by Rocky Mtn Saver on Oct 8, 2012 19:21:42 GMT -5
There's that. POM, I know youre gorgeous! Thank you. But you are being too kind!! I think I'd get depressed if I had to move up North during the winter time. I need lots of warmth and sun so hopefully she isn't clinically depressed but has something like weather/gloomy conditions depression. SAD? Can't remember the term. Seasonal Affective Disorder. www.mayoclinic.com/health/seasonal-affective-disorder/DS00195
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2012 19:26:12 GMT -5
Oh Ava - I'm so sorry. Please know that you have an online community that cares for you and wants you to be happy. Check out meetup and craigslist. They are great for getting to meet people. I'm a naturally shy and insecure person - I pretty much feel awkward and weird in every situation - but I've had great success when I put myself out there. If you are just absolutely lonely where you are and there is a community waiting for you then please consider moving sooner rather than later.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Oct 8, 2012 19:29:38 GMT -5
Perhaps but weather can play a huge part in depression. I'm already having issues and it isn't even really winter, yet. True, but the OP has been talking about these issues for months. While weather may play into it, moving is an expensive panacea and won't resolve her problems. My best guess is that between work and school, she was so busy she didn't ave the time to deal with her problems. Now that she's no longer in school, he as not found nothing to absorb the time that school used to take.
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kgb18
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Post by kgb18 on Oct 8, 2012 19:31:04 GMT -5
I have to say that this is the first year in a long time that I'm glad it's fall. I love the summer and the sun, but this summer was tough for me. It was really hot here. I do like snow from around Thanksgiving to New Year's. After that I could care less. But I try to find the positives.
There is something nice about a snowy day where you don't have to go anywhere and you can wear cozy clothes, watch the snow fall, make a nice meal, have some red wine. Now if I could only manage to find a day where I don't have to go anywhere ...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2012 19:38:15 GMT -5
Ava, I'm sorry you are struggling right now. I had a hard time meeting people when I lived in Boston as well. Once you know people, they are lovely folks. But because the culture there is a little more reserved - you don't talk to strangers in Boston the way you do in the Midwest and South.
I definitely agree with the suggestions that you seek professional help. For me, it was also helpful to find situations that would help me break the ice with other people. You can do an internet search for volunteer opportunities in your area (I found having a "job" made it easier for me to talk to new people) or try meetup. It is a big enough city that there may well be people from your home there as well. I don't know if it will be located somewhere practical for you, but I'd almost guarantee that there is some sort of cultural group that would feel a bit more like home for you.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 8, 2012 20:12:16 GMT -5
Didn't she also said that her mother had recently left after an extended visit, which probably makes it worse. Yes. Ava said her mother stayed with her for three months and left to go back home 7-14 days ago. Ava misses the comfort and security of family and friends.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Oct 8, 2012 20:29:11 GMT -5
Didn't she also said that her mother had recently left after an extended visit, which probably makes it worse. My guess is this could be a big part of it. Once you get adjusted to someone sharing your space with you when they leave it feels far more empty than it did before. I echo reaching out and not just limiting yourself to people of your same culture. Exploit some of your interests and volunteering can be a great way to get yourself involved. Also concentrate on the pluses. When you are lonely and depressed if you concentrate on that the problem grows to be bigger than it needs to be. Focus on possible solutions and find ways to distract your self from those problems if it is not possible to solve them right away.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2012 20:29:26 GMT -5
I also love meetup... but think if Florida is a better fit for you, there is no reason to wait, go ahead and apply for those jobs ASAP.
Hang in there! Post here if you feel lonely.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on Oct 8, 2012 20:55:24 GMT -5
Thanks for all the answers. Believe me, knowing this place is here made me a little more comfortable tonight. Iam embarrassed to be posting something like this, but I couldn't hold it anymore. I am from Argentina, and I don't live in Boston, I live in Connecticut. Where I live is a medium size city with all the basics covered, but no real attractions. I have a car, and I drive two hours daily for my commute. New York is two hours away by train. I've suffered from depression since I was 13. I've been able to deal with it. Now I finished school,and I have too much time in my hands. My mother left 10 days ago and I miss her like crazy. So now it's a difficult time for me, and depression is winning. Moving south, having more people and social interaction will help me. I looked Meetup and there's not much in this area. I am tired of driving long distances. I know I may move and it may not help, but good weather helps me with my depression. I am almost certain I will move. I know is going to be difficult; the condo, the new job. But I am very unhappy here. I don't want inanimate things, like a condo and a job, determine my life. Please don't take this wrong, but I've been never able to connect too much with people who are not Hispanic. I never felt rejected or discriminated, but I cannot make a deep bond. I agree that, regardless of moving, I need professional help. just don't know where to get it. I do have health insurance. I am also afraid of moving and not finding a job.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Oct 8, 2012 21:05:27 GMT -5
Ava, I'm guessing some of this is because your mother just left. I live alone and am still not convinced 3 years later that I made the best choice in moving where I did. Winters are brutal on my mental health due to SAD. I do a lot of volunteer work and babysit one day a week.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 8, 2012 21:29:56 GMT -5
Ava-I used to live in Connecticut so I know a little bit about it. Connecticut and Western Massachusetts (Springfield) have Latino populations but they are primarily from the Carib. Islands.
You are looking for Argentines most likely and you are not going to find communities of them in your area.
Owning a condo seems to be a big problem for you that you need to resolve to give you a bit more mobility.
Let's assume you live in the Meriden area. You are equidistant between Hartford and New Haven. Not knowing the city where you actually work would help but until you are actually able to move to Florida, if I were you I would move closer to New Haven to take the New Haven/Metro North trains into Manhattan to spend weekends with other Argentines.
Chances are though you work closer to Hartford.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 8, 2012 21:34:46 GMT -5
Also Ava-do you have Skype where you could visually talk via computer with family and friends back in Argentina? I don't know if Skype is available in Argentina but maybe there is some other computer program where you could see and talk to family until such time you get to move to Florida.
You could literally have dinner conversations with your mom and others while using Skype. Not quite the same as in person but a pretty good temporary fix.
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seriousthistime
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Post by seriousthistime on Oct 8, 2012 21:41:23 GMT -5
I went from 5 people in the family to 4, to 3, to 2, and finally to just me. My three kids moved out one by one to go to college, and my XH also moved out in the middle of it all. My mother died, my stepfather died, and within the span of about 4 years' time I was really feeling the loss. I am an avid reader. I found that going out for coffee to an independent coffee place helped. I grabbed a book or magazine, headed out, found a nice place to sit and read and do some people watching, and just felt like I was out and about among the living. It helped a lot. There are certainly Hispanic cafes not far from where you are. Head out with a Spanish language magazine and smile at people when they walk by. Talk to the people behind the counter and ask them about themselves. Soon they will become protective of you and will introduce you to good people, and tell you about interesting things going on in the community. Definitely find someone to talk to through your employer's EAP. I come from Connecticut. I know there's a large Hispanic population there. Have you tried this: hartford.alpfa.org/ It's the Association of Latino Professionals in Finance and Accounting. They have an event on estate planning in Middletown on October 22. Here is the description: Join ALPFA as we partner with the American Society of Women Accountants, Connecticut Chapter, to host our 2012 Estate Planning Seminar. Refreshments and cash bar will be provided. Granted, estate planning may not be your cup of tea at this stage in your life but you could meet other people who are Hispanic AND accountants. You could meet men who are Hispanic and accountants! I have found that you can't go to these places and expect to meet your new best friend but you can meet people who can get you out of the house. There are other Latino events and organizations, and you might have to do some research to find them, find events they're putting on, and go, if only to listen to music, hear someone speak Spanish, eat food that smells like home, etc. Also, check out the bigger public libraries in neighboring towns, see what they might have going on, contact places that might be looking for tutors or translators who are fluent in Spanish, etc. Become a mentor for a local junior high or high school student. You can do this on your lunch hour one day a week. Anything that gets you closer to your comfort zone is a good thing.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Oct 8, 2012 21:42:01 GMT -5
Also taking up a hobby - of any kind - helps take your mind off of things. Check out any crafting stores in your area and see if something catches your interest. Some stores even have classes and group sessions to work on different hobbies & crafts. Or joining a book club - or see if there's an organization in your area that focuses on one of your interests - like a cultural group, cooking class, etc, etc. They're a good way to meet people while interacting - and you may discover some new friends.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Oct 8, 2012 21:46:41 GMT -5
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Oct 8, 2012 22:11:38 GMT -5
Also Ava-do you have Skype where you could visually talk via computer with family and friends back in Argentina? I don't know if Skype is available in Argentina but maybe there is some other computer program where you could see and talk to family until such time you get to move to Florida. You could literally have dinner conversations with your mom and others while using Skype. Not quite the same as in person but a pretty good temporary fix. Ava, like you I live in a foreign country (US) and all but one son and his wife live on other continents. DS still lives ~900 miles from where I live so a quick visit to him is also not an option. If, the suggestion by Tennesseer of using Skype is not an option you can also use one of those prepaid telephone cards. It costs just a few pennies a minute to call most countrties (eg most of Europe $0.04 and Singapore $0.05). Those are just the ones I know since I use them. I have been known to call my sisters in Europe for hours at a time and the few dollars it costs are totally worth it. By hearing your loved one's voice you realize that you are not all that far away after all.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2012 23:54:03 GMT -5
Ava, does your work have an Employee Assistance Program? If they do I suggest you make an appointment to see someone ASAP to talk about your feelings? Do you have health insurance? If you do not have an EAP then I suggest finding a therapist thru your insurance ASAP. Good luck. I am sorry that you are going through such a rough time. I'm sure it isn't much consolation, but most people go through periods of feeling lonely or sad at some point in their lives. So there's nothing abnormal about it, and you're not alone. Are you Brazilian? I am guessing Cuban. Miami has a huge Cuban community. ETA_Nevermind...I just saw her post.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 9, 2012 0:05:26 GMT -5
Thanks for all the answers. Believe me, knowing this place is here made me a little more comfortable tonight. Iam embarrassed to be posting something like this, but I couldn't hold it anymore. I have found sometimes you need to ask for help & share your feelings. People care about you, but they won't know anything is wrong if you don't say something. I'm glad your are feeling a little better & don't be embarrassed for coming here.
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susanb
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Post by susanb on Oct 9, 2012 0:35:10 GMT -5
Ava,
I am sorry you are going through a hard time.
Let me say from experience that being an expat is not easy. People take so much of their day to day interactions for granted, but when you are an expat, even a fluent and educated expat, everything takes a little more energy. You have to be socially "on" to understand social interactions and expectations. When you first move to a country everything is NEW and EXCITING and AMAZING. There is no high like the honeymoon phase, but when expats feel low, they also blame everything on their surroundings. I am upset because of how these weird people in this weird country do things. At least, these are the thoughts than ran through my heads and many of the expats I spent my days with.
The truth is somewhere in the middle, but I will say (having lived in Chile and traveled in Argentina) that Americans as a whole are very isolated and I can imagine this would be a very isolating country to immigrate to. I lived in a house outside of Pucon for a couple of months and would go for a walk on the dirt road outside of my house. A vast majority of the time local people stopped their cars to see if I needed a ride. I was invited to BBQ's and family dinners by people I barely knew. I was welcomed. Lest any jaded folks out there think this was because of my exotic "foreignness" there are lots of people who look just like me throughout Chile and Argentina, particularly in Pucon.
Don't get me wrong. I love this county. The USA is the most culturally diverse country in the world or the history of the world. Part of the reason this works so well is that we have given people space to do their own thing. Lots of space. It can be lonely.
My recommendations are these 1. Move to Miami 2. In the meantime, live life like a tourist. Go do silly touristy things like have a picnic in the changing leaves, go see the local museums or architecture. Do at least two things a month that you would do if you were visiting your home town from Argentina. 3. If your are a person of faith or if you connected with faith in your culture, find a church and go. I am not giving you religious or spiritual advice, but I found that going to churches similar to my childhood faith were very comforting in my years living abroad. Familiar.
Finally, there is something special about a person who can thrive in a foreign country. It takes strength and resilience. I am not denying that you are sad or depressed. Those are your truths right now. Just don't forget to tell yourself the other story about you, the one about how strong and resilient you are to have not only moved here, but to have thrived. You went graduated from college in a second language, and transitioned from a job to a career in a culture that you have had to learn. That is a story penned by an exceptional woman, a woman of strength and resilience. Tell yourself that story every day. Or, come here and we will tell you.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2012 0:50:18 GMT -5
Susan EXCELLENT post!
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Oct 9, 2012 1:45:33 GMT -5
I haven't ever been totally alone except when I was 18 but have had some pretty lonely times. After my divorce I moved to a nice apartment but found visiting my family made me feel like I was leaning on them too much. I belonged to some 12 step programs so had some meetings but they ended soon after I divorced. I joined a gym and worked out every single night for hours, that was a big help lots of people in Aerobics classes and doing weight machines or swimming even if I didn't know them or talk much. Then I would go to my apartment cabana and shoot pool until it closed. Middle of the night I would go to a fishing pier and catch some fish. I didn't cook so I gave my fish to the other people fishing for taking them off the hook for me. I met a girl who told me not to take my fish off the hook myself since the spines would hurt you. She had her boyfriend take them off for me but told me the men would even if they didn't speak English, we had some poor immigrants fishing for food so they were happy to take my fish. I met a man at the gym and started dating him for a few months then dumped him when I was too busy at work to bother with him and by then I was more used to being alone. When I got a house when I wasn't dating anyone I was fine being alone, snowed in for days knitting in front of the fire, I didn't own a tv or computer so mostly watched a fire or out the window.
You might consider some kind of volunteer work related to your nationality like visiting others that speak the same language in hospitals or nursing homes or teaching English as a second language classes or crafts from your country classes. Any regularly scheduled event will help even just a aqua aerobic class or something.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2012 6:59:42 GMT -5
Any regularly scheduled event will help even just a aqua aerobic class or something. You've gotten some really good advice so far, but crone's mention of exercise reminded me- I hope you're getting up and moving around. While it's an oversimplification to think that exercise can "cure" serious depression, it can certainly clear your head and make you feel better. With your commute it's probably very hrd to fit into your schedule, but if you managed to fit school in, you should be able to get some exercise- even just a 10- or 15-minute walk every day could help.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Oct 9, 2012 9:01:55 GMT -5
Karma to Susan for her post!
To add to her point about doing touristy things, assume that you will be moving soon and that you'll probably never be back to the NE again. What would be on your bucket list for the region? There have been a few times in my life where I moved away from an area and didn't realize until I'd left that there was so much that I hadn't done while there because I lived there and figured there was always time. So don't go do touristy things "just because" as a way to keep yourself busy, go do them because you are leaving and will probably never return. The NE is an amazing area (I've never been there and want to visit so badly some day) so take advantage of it while you are still there!
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Oct 9, 2012 11:38:00 GMT -5
Ava, you've gotten great advice so far. Can I add a little more? I don't know the specifics of your condo, but if it is a 2 bedroom unit, can you get a roommate? Roommates don't always become best friends, but you might luck out and find someone you can occasionally do fun things with. He/she would also know if you were ill or went missing for any length of time. You'd probably feel some relief from the loneliness just having another person around.
If your condo is not amenable to a roommate situation, and staying in Connecticut for another year or two makes a lot of sense aside from your isolation, can you rent your condo out to cover the PITI and then find a roommate situation elsewhere? Maybe you can find 2 or 3 other younger, professional women who are/want to renting a house together.
That way you'd have some human interaction in your private life and be able to accomplish what you need to in your professional/financial life before moving to Florida.
Just a thought...
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Oct 9, 2012 14:32:55 GMT -5
Ava, one more idea: can you attend your condo association meetings or join the board so you can get to know some of your neighbors? Maybe there are some folks there you can get together with informally or head out to the local pub with on occasion. If nothing else, you could keep an eye out for each other's properties during vacations, storms, etc.
Just another thought of how to widen your social circle...
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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2012 15:49:56 GMT -5
Great post, susanb! Hang in, Ava. I agree that you should make a plan and move. You can get that graduate degree in Florida just as well as in Connecticut. I wish you well
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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2012 16:39:08 GMT -5
Ava I think you've gotten great advice so far. I wanted to add another suggestion. Since you said you want to do your Masters but you don't want to wait till you finish where you are, can you start online with a program in Miami? Maybe you could do part of it online and when you eventually move there, finish "in person". Does your bank have a branch there? Could they transfer you? This said, I agree that you need to "get out there". Easier said than done, I know. Ava, are you anywhere near Fairfield? My BFF lives there. She is not Hispanic, and she doesn't spend all her time there anymore (her boyfriend lives in NYC) but she is great.
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maraqxa
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Post by maraqxa on Oct 9, 2012 22:57:12 GMT -5
Ava - I think you just need to start making a plan to move to Miami. There are many ambitions that you have about your career and that is great but you need to be happy. It is already hard being away from family, much harder being in a different culture.
You really need to think hard on what you want to do, sometimes the most rational/logical thing to do might not be the right one.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on Oct 9, 2012 23:13:42 GMT -5
I agree I have received excellent advice from here. And I know we all tend to be a little harsh sometimes in these boards, but I can physically feel the good vibes coming my way from all of you. Moving is the plan, not an easy one when you have a home and a good job. Moving is jumping into the unknown. There are a few families here from Argentina (two families), but they live their own lives and I see them when possible. They have small children, work long hours and not much time to socialize. I am not opposed to making friends from different cultures, but I also need interaction with people who are "just like me". If it were for me, I would move tomorrow, but finding a job and renting out the condo are the big questions. I am sure the condo will rent, because a lot of these condos are rented. Finding a job in Florida is what keeps me here. I talked with my mother on the phone, and she kind of got scared when I said I wanted to move. She thinks staying here is safer for me, because I know the area and I have a place to live and reliable income, health insurance, etc. I am exercising, not as much as I should, but I started a couple of weeks ago. It helps a little. I called a no-kill animal shelter, so I can start volunteering. I joined a couple of Meetup group. Hopefully they will organize something on a weekend soon, so I can attend. I wasn't going to log in today; but I'm glad I did.
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