shanendoah
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:44:48 GMT -5
Posts: 10,096
Mini-Profile Name Color: 0c3563
|
Post by shanendoah on Aug 28, 2012 11:42:09 GMT -5
No kids yet. I didn't date in high school, but then, I never really dated even in college- or, I hsould say, I was clueless enough not to realize when things were dates, and by being clueless, then ruined anything that might have happened pretty much on the first date. However, I had a lot of guy friends.
I guess that I hope my kids will be like me. The joy of being a gamer geek is that you need space- generally more space than is in a bedroom. Whether it's a board game, a card game, or tabletop role playing game, you need room. So we were pretty much always in a dining room, or spread out over a family room, etc. My BFF also played, so most of the time, there was one other girl there, though not always. We took turns whose house we took over, so my mom got to meet all of my friends, and we all knew all of their parents. There was one time, when, at 6am on a Saturday morning, my mom walked out to our kitchen/family room area and told me that it was time for my friend T to go home. I had a 2am (non-shool night) curfew and didn't drive. T had been my ride home. I was a high school junior, he was in his first year of college and didn't have a curfew, so he came in and we played cribbage for 4 hours- until my mom kicked him out.
My mom's main rule was that if it wasn't safe for someone to bring me home (she never said anything about drinking, just "safe" in general), she just wanted me to call and let her know where I was going to be. If someone was too tired, if we got a late night snow, whatever. She would rather get a call at 1am with me saying- I'm crashing at S's house because everyone is too tired to drive safely, or whatever, than to wake up in the morning and find me not home.
At the same time, I knew my mom trusted me, and I knew exactly how awful my life could be if my mom didn't trust me, so I worked really hard not to screw that up.
|
|
|
Post by mox on Aug 28, 2012 11:46:39 GMT -5
I gag when I think back on things like "one week anniversaries". [image] And those crappy little rings that tarnished your finger...in junior high (early seventies).
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,744
|
Post by raeoflyte on Aug 28, 2012 11:48:43 GMT -5
I had a very serious relationship when I was a teenager. I started dating my boyfriend when we were 15. I made my world so small. When he left me for somebody else when we were 20, I was lost and devastated. I missed a lot of opportunities because I spent every waking second with him. Hopefully if you talk to them about your experience they will at least keep that in the back of their minds. Teaching independence and the signs of codependence and how to avoid it is important. Dh and I met in highschool band so as much as I want my kids to live on their own and really learn who they are before they settle down I can't really preach what I didn't live.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,417
|
Post by thyme4change on Aug 28, 2012 11:51:25 GMT -5
I'm hoping to take several long vacations with my kids - sans boyfriends/girlfriends. Spending a summer in Europe, without Euro-coverage on your cell phone, and having a good solid weeks/months without constant contact...that can really harm a relationship.
|
|
Miss Tequila
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 10:13:45 GMT -5
Posts: 20,602
|
Post by Miss Tequila on Aug 28, 2012 12:01:53 GMT -5
My dd will be 14 and she is absolutely boy crazy....I have many rules (no boys in teh house when I'm not home, they can only go places in groups, etc) but at the end of the day if a child wants to do something they are going to do it. So I can only hope that I have taught her well and she makes smart choices....and that she is nothing like me when I was a teenager (the thought makes me shudder).
Since my child is boy crazy I know she isn't gay...but the same rules would apply..
|
|
kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
Joined: Nov 22, 2011 16:16:36 GMT -5
Posts: 7,983
|
Post by kittensaver on Aug 28, 2012 12:08:18 GMT -5
I meet all friends, dating or not. No boys in the house if I am not there. No boys hanging out in the bedroom. Negotiate the curfew for each occasion and heaven help you if you're not where I expect you to be if I happen to go looking for you. If she was gay girls would not hang out in the bedroom either. Yeah, these were pretty much the rules in our house too, including the open door rule. The issue of a gay relationship never came up, however, so we never addressed that one. I too insisted on them telling me where they were going (all of the places :-)) and what time they would be back - and they were to respond IMMEDIATELY if I paged them (remember pagers? They came and went so fast . . . ) We told them that rather than "earning" our trust, our trust was theirs to lose by blowing it. As far as we were able to tell ( ) they did not [openly] violate that trust. Oh, and we had one other rule: no car dates (with one boy or with a group of friends) until you had your driver's license. That was for their safety. Until they had their licenses, they were restricted to group dates like school dances, school sporting events, amusement parks, the beach, movies, the mall. Hubby was wonderful about driving them and their friends around (and a great way to meet who they were hanging with that week). They had a wide variety of dating experiences and some "teenage drama," but seemed to survive okay - both are now professional women married to professional men and raising the next generation :-). My brother, on the other hand . . . his rule is that his girls may start dating at the age of 35, but only until 10 pm and only if he comes along
|
|
alabamagal
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 23, 2010 11:30:29 GMT -5
Posts: 8,120
|
Post by alabamagal on Aug 28, 2012 12:28:11 GMT -5
Why "thankfully"? What do you see as the benefits of not dating in high school? Also, it sounds like your son may have been dating - just didn't get serious enough about anyone that you figured it out. I just think the older the better. Less teenage drama in my house. And my youngest had a group of three girl "friends" for the last 6 months - we called them his "Fan Club". Now he has a college girlfriend, at least according to his Facebook profile, but he fails to mention that to Mom!
|
|
shanendoah
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:44:48 GMT -5
Posts: 10,096
Mini-Profile Name Color: 0c3563
|
Post by shanendoah on Aug 28, 2012 12:32:27 GMT -5
I get the idea of wanting a land line, but I don't think I'd ever insist on it. We haven't had a landline for 7 years, roughly, and just had to get one again recently in order to get the foster license. But that doesn't mean we'll continue to have a landline once we have kids old enough to have their own cell. That, and how do I know that the kid is giving me a landline number? As far as I can tell, the caller ID on my phone doesn't tell me if someone is calling from a cell or a landline, most landlines have voicemail, not answering machines, and if I'm calling the number, there's just no way for me to know. What I would probably ask for would be either the house line if they had one, of the phone number of the adult who was going to be present, if I was asking. Again, my mom trusted me. Unless my kids give me a reason not to trust them, my default state is going to be trust. I don't think freedom is a bad thing for high school kids.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 7, 2024 15:35:44 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 28, 2012 12:50:18 GMT -5
I meet all friends, dating or not. No boys in the house if I am not there. No boys hanging out in the bedroom. Negotiate the curfew for each occasion and heaven help you if you're not where I expect you to be if I happen to go looking for you. If she was gay girls would not hang out in the bedroom either. All the above, but I also want to know the parents, and a land line number to where you say you are going to be if you are at friends houses True, I didn't think to add those. If she is spending time at their house I meet the parents and get their number as well.
|
|
lynnerself
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 3, 2011 11:42:29 GMT -5
Posts: 4,166
|
Post by lynnerself on Aug 28, 2012 12:54:40 GMT -5
My kids dated very little in high school, so there were few rules to establish. Frankly more of my concern was who they were driving/riding with. We had all kinds of rules about who they were allowed to ride with when they were teenagers. My first question when they went anywhere was, who is driving?
|
|
justme
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 10, 2012 13:12:47 GMT -5
Posts: 14,618
|
Post by justme on Aug 28, 2012 12:56:22 GMT -5
Kids are not on the horizon for me yet, but I really hate different rules for girls and boys. I resented them a lot when my brother was allowed at the age of 17 to date a girl that was 21 and right after they said ok, they turned to me and said there's no way in hell you are dating a 21 year old when you're 17. Not that I wanted to (a guy that old that wants to date a girl still in high school spells loser to me), but I really hated that as a girl I had different rules. My parents had the open door policy, and since my mom's best friend has kids younger than me I just had a convo with my mom about their old policy because it came up. I laughed at her about how the rule even applied to groups. I asked her whether she thought we were going to have an orgy or something if I closed the door. She laughed and said no, but said the reason was because it was just good policy. Once I was a junior/senior my parents had a rule that I had to be home by curfew but my friends could stay over. It worked because they knew where I was, but they went to bed so early and the game room was as far away from their bedroom as one could get that that rule wouldn't have stopped anything from happening. In fact, one of the idiots brought a flask over one night. I smacked him and told him to put it away otherwise I'm throwing him under the bus if we got caught (and my dad was SCARY when he was mad).
|
|
justme
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 10, 2012 13:12:47 GMT -5
Posts: 14,618
|
Post by justme on Aug 28, 2012 12:59:34 GMT -5
My kids dated very little in high school, so there were few rules to establish. Frankly more of my concern was who they were driving/riding with. We had all kinds of rules about who they were allowed to ride with when they were teenagers. My first question when they went anywhere was, who is driving? I still get shit for breaking that rule 10 years later if something reminds my mom of that. I just got tired of arguing with them and figured what's the worse that could happen. Yeah, about 5 seconds after I told my mom this one person wasn't driving, that one person ran into another car. Oh yeah, I supposed that's the worst that could happen. Yay teenage reasoning!
|
|
lynnerself
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 3, 2011 11:42:29 GMT -5
Posts: 4,166
|
Post by lynnerself on Aug 28, 2012 16:59:30 GMT -5
My kids dated very little in high school, so there were few rules to establish. Frankly more of my concern was who they were driving/riding with. We had all kinds of rules about who they were allowed to ride with when they were teenagers. My first question when they went anywhere was, who is driving? " I still get shit for breaking that rule 10 years later if something reminds my mom of that. I just got tired of arguing with them and figured what's the worse that could happen. Yeah, about 5 seconds after I told my mom this one person wasn't driving, that one person ran into another car. Oh yeah, I supposed that's the worst that could happen. Yay teenage reasoning! I used to get such grief. "But Mom, so and so's older brother (who has his licence 6 months) is a really good driver.
|
|
Sum Dum Gai
Senior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 15:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 19,892
|
Post by Sum Dum Gai on Aug 28, 2012 17:14:05 GMT -5
I should still have a few years before we have to worry about this, but the current rule is no dating until you're 30 or living on your own, whichever comes first. That whole carrot and stick thing. The dating is the carrot. I haven't come up with a definitive stick yet, but I'm toying with any child living under my roof who's 18 or older has to wax my back weekly, wash our unmentionables, and we'll stop being quiet when we have sex once they're no longer minors.
I figure that should about do it.
|
|
shanendoah
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:44:48 GMT -5
Posts: 10,096
Mini-Profile Name Color: 0c3563
|
Post by shanendoah on Aug 28, 2012 17:17:25 GMT -5
Not about dating, but about seperate rules from boys and girls (which drives me crazy)
I had a friend who stayed the night for my birthday one year. My brithday is in December. It snowed that night pretty heavily, and she called her parents the next morning to say that she was going to stay at my house a little longer to give the snow some time to melt/wait for ice to be off the roads. Her parents were fine with that and told her to call before she headed home. When she was ready to head home, she called and her parents said "oh no, it's still too dangerous for you to drive. We'll send your brother to pick you up."
Sounds fine, right? Until you learn that she was a senior and had had her driver's license for over 2 years (with an impeccable driving record). Her brother was a sophmore who had had his license for less than 6 months. But in her parents' mind, he was a better driver because he was a boy. So it was safer for him to drive 2x as far to pick her up than it was for her to just drive home from my house.
|
|
Sum Dum Gai
Senior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 15:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 19,892
|
Post by Sum Dum Gai on Aug 28, 2012 17:24:34 GMT -5
Was she actually a good driver though? I've known people who've had their license for years and still can't drive worth a damn.
I mean, I hear you on the different rules just based on gender. However, that doesn't mean that you still can't have slightly different rules based on knowledge of the individual kids.
|
|
8 Bit WWBG
Administrator
Your Money admin
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 8:57:29 GMT -5
Posts: 9,322
Today's Mood: Mega
|
Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Aug 28, 2012 17:51:10 GMT -5
If I may add a question...
For those that have lived through the dating years: Did the plans match reality? In other words, did all those "this is how its gonna be" discussions you and your spouse had when your kid was a toddler actually come to pass?
10 years ago, my co-worker said stuff about his 7 year old like "and she'll never be allowed to have a lock on her door." I asked him about that recently, and yes... at 17, she does NOT have a lock on her door.
I know the same thing happens with babies. "I'll never carry a giant diaper bag, or take 2 hours to leave the house". Those who have BTDT tend to just chuckle and say "You'll learn..."
|
|
lynnerself
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 3, 2011 11:42:29 GMT -5
Posts: 4,166
|
Post by lynnerself on Aug 28, 2012 19:26:49 GMT -5
Dark, I knew a family with rules like yours. Kept daughter on a supposedly tight leash. Yep, pregnant at 16. IMO moderation works best.
|
|
Sum Dum Gai
Senior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 15:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 19,892
|
Post by Sum Dum Gai on Aug 28, 2012 19:31:20 GMT -5
Yeah, but did she move out at 18? That's my only goal. If they want to screw up their lives in the mean time, that's on them.
|
|
quince
Senior Member
Joined: Sept 23, 2011 17:51:12 GMT -5
Posts: 2,699
|
Post by quince on Aug 28, 2012 19:46:15 GMT -5
I'm sure that everything will change depending on the personalities of our hypothetical children, but I don't see having any rules about them dating other than "keep it legal." and "Take precautions."
I used to go to unsupervised co-ed sleepovers, be with people of either gender behind closed doors, go out on dates with one guy, hang out with friends singly or in groups, male and female, and nothing ever happened. Ditto for DH, except he didn't date until after university. We were the boring, well behaved kids, so if our kids are anything like us, or at least get us to believe they are, probably a TON of freedom.
My mother also had a realistic view about sex, and just let me know to use protection if I ever had sex, and took me to get a prescription for BC pills when I turned 16 (after having offered earlier in my life). Good sex ed, availability of BC, and open communication.
Of course, if my 16 year old brings home their 20 year old boyfriend/girlfriend, I might add a new rule very quickly.
|
|
Loopdilou
Well-Known Member
AKA Mrs. Dark Honor
Joined: Feb 27, 2012 19:41:33 GMT -5
Posts: 1,365
|
Post by Loopdilou on Aug 29, 2012 0:12:06 GMT -5
Yah, I honestly don't care if the girls date or have sex or whatever, I just hope I give them the tools they need to protect themselves in as many scenarios as possible.
|
|
Frappuccino
Junior Member
Joined: Jan 16, 2011 18:58:33 GMT -5
Posts: 161
|
Post by Frappuccino on Aug 29, 2012 1:21:12 GMT -5
My kid is not allowed to get anyone pregnant until he is 30 years old and married.
|
|
shanendoah
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:44:48 GMT -5
Posts: 10,096
Mini-Profile Name Color: 0c3563
|
Post by shanendoah on Aug 29, 2012 10:16:14 GMT -5
Dark: Over two years driving, spotless driving record for her. She was a very safe driver (and overall very responsible person). Her brother, less than 6 months driving, at least two tickets that I knew of, not a safe driver. But he was a boy.
And yes, her entire life was like this. Her brother also has a later curfew than she did and didn't have to do any chores around the house, whereas she couldn't go do things unless the house was spotless. She and I talked about getting an apartment together in college, but her parents refused to pay her tuition if she moved out. She ended up getting pregnant- her parents forced her to marry the father- depsite the fact that he was obviously emotionally abusive to her (and later became physically abusive). And a few years later, and one more kid later, she had a nervous breakdown and lost custody of the kids. It was overall a very sad story, for one of the sweetest and nicest girls I've ever known. She was also intelligent and hard working.
Thinking about it- I'm going to have to check in with some friends who might know how she's doing now...
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,868
|
Post by zibazinski on Aug 29, 2012 11:00:36 GMT -5
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 7, 2024 15:35:44 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2012 11:18:02 GMT -5
1) "If someone is in a car on the driveway honking his horn, he damn well better be delivering something because he sure isn't picking my daughter up..." 2) There will be curfews...that are strictly adhered to if they want to go out again. 3) If he's over out our house, no closed doors. 4) First time he comes over, I will have a 'chat' with him to find out more about him and to find out the plans for the evening and let him know about the curfew. (While chopping hot dogs with a large cleaver.) 5) "You better treat her like the princess I think she is..." That's a good start...
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 7, 2024 15:35:44 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2012 11:29:09 GMT -5
We have compromise on that. The bedroom doors have locks but they are the type that can be picked with a butter knife. In general no going into a locked room, but no locking me out after I have knocked and given reasonable notice to get decent.
|
|
sheilaincali
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 17:55:24 GMT -5
Posts: 4,131
|
Post by sheilaincali on Aug 29, 2012 11:43:36 GMT -5
DS is 14 so I expect this to become an issue soon. He is still pretty oblivious to girls but they are aware of him. When he is out in public with us girls from school are forever coming up and flirting with him and he is too dense to realize it. After they leave we explain to him what he just missed and he just shrugs his shoulders.
I just hope to continue to have the same relationship with him in 2 or 3 years that we have with him now. Now he talks to us about life, school, friends, etc and we know pretty much everything that's going on in his life. We know his friends, their parents, etc.
From my former teenage years- no boys when parents aren't home. Well you fools work during the day so ha ha on that. no locked doors? That's ok that's what backseats are for besides- bedrooms don't have locks but bathrooms do. That's all I'm saying. curfew? I used to walk in the front door- go to my parents room to tell them I was home and then keep on walking out the back door. My friends would circle around and pick me up on the next street over. I rarely "missed" a curfew check in once I figured that out. group dates? Do you people have any clue how many rooms there were in my friend's parent's basement? A group movie night turned into couples in different rooms half way through the movie.
Blame the kids, blame the parents, blame whoever you want but teenagers are resourceful and will always find a way.
To this day I am shocked that out of the 6 of us girls that hung out only one became a teen mom. Because it was nothing but dumb luck that kept the rest of us from ending up pregnant too.
|
|
GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
Senior Associate
"How you win matters." Ender, Ender's Game
Joined: Jan 2, 2011 13:33:09 GMT -5
Posts: 11,291
|
Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Aug 29, 2012 12:16:02 GMT -5
I have boys. They cannot date until they are 35 and i have to approve of who they marry. ODS is too interested in sports to focus too much on girls. This is a good thing in my book. The girls are far more sophisticated at this age than the boys. He is an open book which makes our relationship relatively easy. YDS tells me he has a "private" life and that it is none of my business because it is private, LOL. Needless to say, he will be kept on closer supervision than ODS.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 7, 2024 15:35:44 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2012 12:17:48 GMT -5
LMAO How old is he?
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,272
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 29, 2012 12:20:03 GMT -5
Blame the kids, blame the parents, blame whoever you want but teenagers are resourceful and will always find a way
Sure kids can always find a way, but that doesn't mean I have to be okay with closed doors when I am home.
Just because I know she will always find a way doesn't mean I need to turn a blind eye to it.
That's to me is like saying yeah kids will always find a way to drink so here let me stock a bar and you guys can drink in my living room.
Just because I know she'll find a way to do it if she really wants to doesn't mean I have to give it my blessing and make it easier for her.
|
|