skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Aug 21, 2012 12:35:00 GMT -5
Just a thought. The OPs SIL has probably defined herself as being a wonderful SAHM, superior to those women who chose to work(just going from what the OP stated). Maybe she's afraid of attempting to go out into the working world and find that there isn't a place for her and appearing to be a failure in that realm? In addition, her kids are grown and no longer require her as much to oversee their lives?
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Aug 21, 2012 13:31:14 GMT -5
the problem with working mothers is that they put their "careers" ahead of their families. Then they wonder why their kids end up in jail, or on drugs, and such. it's really a shame that some people can be so selfish. a mother's career should be taking care of her family. Will someone please lock him up!
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 21, 2012 13:32:33 GMT -5
He is allowed to be as wrong as he wants to be. This is America baby!
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Aug 21, 2012 14:44:27 GMT -5
Just a thought. The OPs SIL has probably defined herself as being a wonderful SAHM, superior to those women who chose to work(just going from what the OP stated). I suspect this is part of it. She's said more than once that some women are good teachers, and some are good cooks, and some are good lawyers, but where she excels is at raising really good kids. I agree that she's wonderful at that (and her kids are very well adjusted nice kids) but that isn't a job skill you can get a high income from, unfortunately. I think part of it, also, is she doesn't want to start over at an entry level job, with all the crap work that goes along with that, and I agree that would suck. She has a very cheerful outgoing personality and loves kids, I can think of several jobs that she would do well at and would probably enjoy, but I get the feeling she won't even look, and as I stated originally, this is not my business and I would never presume to suggest anything to her.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Aug 21, 2012 15:23:19 GMT -5
I haven't worked in 4 yrs and one of the recruiters told me recently employers would be concern if I could still handle fast paced environment, so I could find a job, but $$$ would be much less than what I was making.
Lena
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Aug 21, 2012 15:27:51 GMT -5
Some people have an inferiority complex. I imagine deep down your SIL feels inferior to working women and thus feels the need to put them down. People who are comfortable with themselves and their lot in life generally don't go around bitching about how other people live their lives.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Aug 21, 2012 15:39:53 GMT -5
Now I think that's BS - you can't tell me taking care of 3 boys under age 3 (or 4?) isn't "fast-paced". I spend half a day with my nephews and it takes me a week to recover...
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 21, 2012 15:40:06 GMT -5
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 21, 2012 15:46:49 GMT -5
But it is different. As I asked before - how does a satellite engineer convince me that their days of 2nd grade math homework, and soccer practice makes them better suited to a technical position than the candidate that has done a very similiar position for the past 5 years. "Fast Paced" is code for "Office" or something. The reality is that most hiring managers aren't that creative. They want to see candidates that are basically doing the same job description at a simliar company, and doing it well. And if they are going to take a chance on someone - it won't be someone who makes $100,000 per year. The risk is too high. They need those people to walk in and start being productive right away, and if you've been out of the workplace for 10 years - you are completely unproven. Sorry - the office has changed a LOT in the past 10 years. You can't prove that you understand how to function today without functioning today.
That said - you are right, you don't get to pick up where you left off. But, if you want to come back in as a staff accountant at a big company making half of what you use to make, you could put in 18 months and be recognized that you are smarter and more experienced than your 20-something cohorts, and you could be the first one in line to get the promotion. But you have to prove yourself.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 21, 2012 16:01:54 GMT -5
Without knowing the whole story...
SIL mentioned that her DH is miserably unhappy at his job.
This alone makes me resent SIL. A SAHM arrangement should be what BOTH partners want, not just one. Now, I don't know the whole story - maybe he DOES want her to stay home in spite of him being miserable at his job. And I am making a fairly big assumption, which is that he primarily stays at this job he hates because it's the only one he's qualified for which pays enough to solely support his family.
But for me, this really smells foul. She's willing to stay home and let her husband work a job he hates just so she can stay home. That would not be an acceptable situation to me. DH and I would need to work together to find a solution - but I would not be willing to let him stay at a job he hated for years because we couldn't afford for him to quit without me going to work.
So that line, coupled with SIL's weird idea that she'll be too old to get a job in three years (but apparently isn't too old now?) gives me the strong impression that she's very selfish. She wants to keep staying home and expects her husband to pay for it, regardless of the cost.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Aug 21, 2012 16:21:29 GMT -5
...:::"I imagine deep down your SIL feels inferior to working women and thus feels the need to put them down.":::...
I don't know... I put down SUV owners all the time, and sleep very well at night in that regards.
Maybe the SIL feels the game was unfairly changed on her. After all, things were fine until the local company was bought by the large corporation. Nevertheless, this is going to be an interesting one. It does sound like the SIL is confident she'll be able to remain a SAH. I'm sure she could stall for at least the 3 years just between the "updating my resume" and "waiting on interviews" tricks.
Well, if they want to have a power struggle, she is free to stonewall and say "I'll never get a job, no way no how" and there isn't much he can do about it.
BUT... there isn't a damn thing she can do if he comes home and says "I held on as long as I could, but today I resigned".
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 21, 2012 16:21:43 GMT -5
Your BIL must be getting something out of having your SIL stay home and continue to do so, otherwise things would have changed by now.Not necessarily. I could see him thinking "well this basically sucks but I need to step up here because my wife refuses." Everyone doesn't respond to conflict by dealing with it
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 21, 2012 16:22:28 GMT -5
The problem with many jobs is being the treasurer of the PTA for 6 years doesn't really qualify you to return to your CFO position.
How many CFOs (or other high level executives) do you know who left the workforce to become SAHPs? My count is zero, and a bunch of high-ranking people in our company have had babies in the last two years.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Aug 21, 2012 16:22:46 GMT -5
...:::"Everyone doesn't respond to conflict by dealing with it...":::...
But in a way, he IS dealing with it. He is saying "she is too selfish, and bills gots to get paid, so I have to step up".
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Aug 21, 2012 16:23:26 GMT -5
But in a way, he IS dealing with it. He is saying "she is too selfish, and bills gots to get paid, so I have to step up".
Fair point. I really meant "not everyone deals with conflict by talking to the person who's causing it and saying 'something needs to change here honey bun.'"
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Aug 21, 2012 17:30:19 GMT -5
Did she have a career before they had children? A lot of entry level jobs might be part time, and/or without health insurance.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Aug 21, 2012 17:32:28 GMT -5
What the what? Kept the dogs in diapers??? ...yeah... that's what I was thinking, too...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2012 17:36:39 GMT -5
Some people have an inferiority complex. I imagine deep down your SIL feels inferior to working women and thus feels the need to put them down. People who are comfortable with themselves and their lot in life generally don't go around bitching about how other people live their lives. Brilliant!
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Aug 21, 2012 17:38:29 GMT -5
Does it matter? She's been a stay at home spouse for two decades at this point. Two decade old experience is actually less than worthless on a resume. Not only does it not help you, it also highlights how old you are.
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zdaddy
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Post by zdaddy on Aug 21, 2012 17:40:55 GMT -5
I personally think it comes down to "needs of the family." I absolutely hated being a SAHD, but I did it when my industry cratered in 2008 and I couldn't find a job for 7 months. At the same time, after the kid went to bed I continued to apply for jobs, stay current in my field, etc.
It sounds like the SIL needs to at least put some feelers out and try to find part-time work. Not that it's easy to find any job nowadays. I was constantly turned down for part-time retail work because I was either "over-qualified" or "lacked experience," which I thought was hillarious when applying for a job at Target. But there are so many job applicants out there that even the Mikey D manager can afford to cherry pick.
One last thing to address: where is this "if you work your kid will be a drug addict" stuff come from? Are there any reliable studies showing that kids with working moms grow up to be retrobates? Cause the last story I read was that working moms actually spend MORE time with their kids than SAHMs from the 1950s.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2012 17:48:16 GMT -5
I personally think it comes down to "needs of the family." I absolutely hated being a SAHD, but I did it when my industry cratered in 2008 and I couldn't find a job for 7 months. At the same time, after the kid went to bed I continued to apply for jobs, stay current in my field, etc. It sounds like the SIL needs to at least put some feelers out and try to find part-time work. Not that it's easy to find any job nowadays. I was constantly turned down for part-time retail work because I was either "over-qualified" or "lacked experience," which I thought was hillarious when applying for a job at Target. But there are so many job applicants out there that even the Mikey D manager can afford to cherry pick. One last thing to address: where is this "if you work your kid will be a drug addict" stuff come from? Are there any reliable studies showing that kids with working moms grow up to be retrobates? Cause the last story I read was that working moms actually spend MORE time with their kids than SAHMs from the 1950s. Perhaps SIL realizes she has no skills that would translate to a job in todays market where she could be princess.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2012 18:17:17 GMT -5
I guess it really doesn't matter what we think or what anyone thinks. It is really what SIL and her spouse think. It is their lives and they have to negotiate what works for them. So, what anyone else thinks she "should" do is pretty irrelavant. But, i as to other questions, i find that SAHM's often go back to picking up part time or other work when the kids get older or go to college.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2012 18:53:02 GMT -5
I like my BIL, he's a hard worker, he's managed to support her and their kids all these years, I think she should be more motivated to help him. He married her and I doubt that he is unaware of her intent to stay home no matter what. What he gets otu of the deal, I am not sure, but he must be getting something because she wouldn't be so cocky if she wasn't sure her position was secured. I'll be the mean one. Maybe she is cocky because she doesn't think BIL has any good options. He is pushing 60 and they have been married a long time with her being a SAHS. He can do one of the following. -Quit his job, in which case his financial future is jeopardized, but it doesn't make her work. -Leave her, because she won't work. In which case he probably loses half of everything and has to work longer. -Suck it up until he retires.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2012 18:55:12 GMT -5
The longer things stay the same, the less likely they are to change. My cousin married a high maintenance woman who really didn't want to do much more than shop for herself. Well, over time he really pushed for her to get a job and she never did. She is never going to. So, at that point, he either just accepted or had to leave.
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beags
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Post by beags on Aug 22, 2012 0:40:20 GMT -5
Ok, I was a SAHM. I didn't judge who worked, I wasn't that type of SAHM. It was our decision to have one parent stay home . . . hubby made more money at the time the decision was made. Like your BIL my hubby has had the same thing happen to him. (in sales, company under management from the top, wages cut in half)
I originally went back to work when both children were in school full time. I found work where I would be home when school was out. (this meant part time . . and about 20 hours a week if I was lucky) I had to quit that job because my daughter needed me at home . . she was being bullied badly and had some emotional issues from it that took a while to get over. I think I went back when son entered middle school. Daughter was by this time in high school. I took a job again where I could be home by the time they were done with school. However I wasn't able to be there when they woke . . but hubby was. (again part time and 24 hours a week)
Son entered high school, daughter college . . . I asked for a promotion to full time or close to it. I am now close to full time hours . . . and looking at getting full time. . . . they asked me for management and wanted me to move. I told them that I wasn't moving my son in his junior year of high school. If they still want me for management in two years after my son graduates high school, I will consider it. They understood, and will get back to me in two years. lol
The point is . .. the cut in pay required me to find something, and I did. If I get full time, with or without management, hubby has the chance to find something else, because I will then have insurance.
I see nothing wrong with that .. . it is a role reversal we both would not mind at all.
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beags
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I'm not a psychopath. I'm a high functioning sociopath, do your research.
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Post by beags on Aug 22, 2012 0:49:21 GMT -5
Personally at their age . . . I don't see employment as an option. Unless it's Walmart greeter. It's just an age that people are not looking to hire. Most people are retiring at age 60 to 70. Nobody wants to train someone for a position when they are looking at retirement soon. (that doesn't make it fair . . but it's true)
The SIL's attitude screams "you expect me to work?" I don't think she would have done it if she was age 35 either. Point is, she most likely never wanted to work and never will.
SAHM is work when the children are young . . . . not so bad when they get older and self sufficient.
Forgive me for asking . . but is she so wrapped up in their lives that she is one of the helicopter mommies? If that's the case . . . . . I feel sorry for those kids. . . . . no relationship will last because she won't be able to butt out of it. The girlfriend/boyfriend (I forgot if you said she had sons or daughters) will not put up with the mother scrutinizing everything they say and do. (I know my daughter dumped a boy because of his mother) If dating is bad for those kids . . . wait for college . . . . these parents just cannot let the children grow up and breathe.
They get so into their lives that they wind up pushing their children away. Why? Because sooner or later the child will hate that mom cannot let them be and do their own thing. When they hit college age there is no need to be at the dorm telling them how to arrange things, overseeing their friends, making sure they study, and generally being a pain the hind end.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Aug 22, 2012 5:46:53 GMT -5
I hate this attitude really. We all have to make decisions as to what is best for our families.....and only we are in charge of all the facts. What is for sure...... is that everyone wants what is best for their kids....and they provide for that in the best way they can. I was lucky enough to be able to stay at home whilst my kids were very young.......We had to compromise on not having much money but that is the choice I made. It was hand-me-down and bargain basement for a while but the kids didn't appear to suffer and we made our own amusement. When they went to School/Nursery I got on with my career. We each have the ability to weigh up what is best for us.....Its a balancing act and if it isn't working you can always re-adjust.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Aug 22, 2012 7:06:31 GMT -5
Some people have an inferiority complex. I imagine deep down your SIL feels inferior to working women and thus feels the need to put them down. People who are comfortable with themselves and their lot in life generally don't go around bitching about how other people live their lives. Hell to the yeah on this.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Aug 22, 2012 7:08:32 GMT -5
...:::"I imagine deep down your SIL feels inferior to working women and thus feels the need to put them down.":::... I don't know... I put down SUV owners all the time, and sleep very well at night in that regards. Maybe the SIL feels the game was unfairly changed on her. After all, things were fine until the local company was bought by the large corporation. Nevertheless, this is going to be an interesting one. It does sound like the SIL is confident she'll be able to remain a SAH. I'm sure she could stall for at least the 3 years just between the "updating my resume" and "waiting on interviews" tricks. Well, if they want to have a power struggle, she is free to stonewall and say "I'll never get a job, no way no how" and there isn't much he can do about it. BUT... there isn't a damn thing she can do if he comes home and says "I held on as long as I could, but today I resigned". Or....I'm tired of this shit...I want a divorce.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Aug 22, 2012 7:22:20 GMT -5
"Forgive me for asking . . but is she so wrapped up in their lives that she is one of the helicopter mommies?"
Well, I don't know if I'd call her a helicopter parent - she doesn't try to go around fixing things for her kids - but she is very much involved in every part of their lives. She attends every sporting event, every school function, is a chaparone on every church trip and every school trip, volunteers in the classrooms. She does call or visit the school every time she thinks a teacher is not treating her kid fairly. But unlike most helicopter parents, she doesn't do their homework for them, at least. I was really afraid the older two kids might rebel against her very strict curfews and the way the monitored all their activities, but they turned out fine. We'll have to see with the last one, out of the three of them, he has the more independent personality that might turn rebellious, especially if she only has this one child to fix her attention on. Hopefully not. And I think their dad helps off set her more overbearing personality, BIL tends to be more laid back when it comes to his kids.
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