swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 8, 2012 8:05:02 GMT -5
Asking a guy, especially an Italian guy who loves his mom, to not involve his mom is not a nice thing to ask him to do. nothing wrong with his mom being involved. a whole lot wrong when she tries to run the show.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 8:06:01 GMT -5
Asking a guy, especially an Italian guy who loves his mom, to not involve his mom is not a nice thing to ask him to do. nothing wrong with his mom being involved. a whole lot wrong when she tries to run the show. The answer is not to ask him not to involve his mother in his life and the life of her grandkids.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 8:08:00 GMT -5
But there needs to be boundaries. Grandparents are an important part of a child's life, but their role should be secondary to the parents.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 8:10:21 GMT -5
MMC - wow, you are actually trying to give sound advice! And I'd actually try it, except MIL refuses to air her grievances with me, so that's why there is a constant back and forth.
I called my mom on the way in this morning because, well, I really needed someone to talk to and I didn't know where else to turn. My dad's family was a lot like the ILs - clique-y and overbearing, and she had to deal with that a lot. My nana watched me until I was 2, but she didn't work and did it because she wanted to - NOT because she wanted something in return. Sitting down and talking only works when NO ONE IS CRAZY!
She is coming up this weekend to watch the baby while we look for cars. And I know she wants to talk to us (DH and I) about this whole mess.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 8:12:30 GMT -5
Maybe you can find a good, cheap used car and then use the difference to pay for DC. That would give you some time to get some reserves saved up.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 8:12:34 GMT -5
But there needs to be boundaries. Grandparents are an important part of a child's life, but their role should be secondary to the parents. I wouldn't put it like that, but I understand what you mean.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Aug 8, 2012 8:12:53 GMT -5
Well there's a healthy amont of grandparent involvement in baby's life, then there's a grandparent who wants to take over and micromanage every aspect of mom, dad and baby's life. I had one of each kind of grandparent.
In my case I went to Grandma daycare. However Grandma was the one without boundary issues and my mom DID pay her. She respected rules mom and dad told her, so if mom and dad told her something, it was then enforced at grandma's house, so I couldn't get away with anything there... boo
The OTHER grandmother had serious boundary issues and tried to micromanage everyone's life. She actually succeeded with most members of her family. It took both of my parents consistently CHOOSING to pick each other and ME over her for her not to run rampant over out lives. It also helped that we did not live in the same town as she did. I remember how she would try to steamroll me as a child and my mom and dad stopping her from doing that and allowing me to speak instead of her just answering for me, for example.
This is just MY experience, as a grandchild.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 8:13:08 GMT -5
Thanks, Arch. How about the GP's should defer to the parent's wishes? Is that better?
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Aug 8, 2012 8:13:37 GMT -5
I really need a margarita in a Big Gulp right now. Where do they sell those things? Because I would be stopping off every day on the way home.... Sorry about MIL and DH. Please feel free to punch whatever inanimate object you can find. For years I had to deal with my mother the master manipulator ("when ultimatums won't work, there's always guilt and tears" was her motto). Like your DH I was often between a rock and a hard place with DH and DM. Sucky place to be.
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Taxman10
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Post by Taxman10 on Aug 8, 2012 8:14:09 GMT -5
I highly doubt Jen is going to tell her MIL to create an account here. let's all invite our MIL's to join!!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 8:14:12 GMT -5
I really don't see the big deal and let be honest: you knew deep down she would get upset over you putting DS in daycare part time. Come on now, deep down you knew it.
The guy had a conversation with his mother, simple. She got insulted (like my mother or MIL would) because you putting your son in daycare part time when she has been watching him this whole time is a reflection on her or how you guys feel about her watching him.
She saw thru the BS and issue an ultimatum to save face. Now the ball is in your camp.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Aug 8, 2012 8:14:32 GMT -5
I really need a margarita in a Big Gulp right now. Where do they sell those things? Because I would be stopping off every day on the way home.... Sorry about MIL and DH. Please feel free to punch whatever inanimate object you can find. For years I had to deal with my mother the master manipulator ("when ultimatums won't work, there's always guilt and tears" was her motto). Like your DH I was often between a rock and a hard place with DH and DM. Sucky place to be. Drive thru Daquri stands in NOLA!!!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 8:15:12 GMT -5
Yup! MIL had boys so tears worked for her every time. At least they used to.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 8:16:33 GMT -5
Maybe you can find a good, cheap used car and then use the difference to pay for DC. That would give you some time to get some reserves saved up. I suggested pocketing the whole thing and using it for the first year of daycare, but DH asked what would happen if we couldn't get the money for the next year. Good question. Your suggestion is better though. I'll have to mull it over.... Thanks. Damn, I can't get any information about paid blood/plasma donations. I get where I can make a donation, but there is no information about payment.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 8:18:19 GMT -5
I really don't see the big deal and let be honest: you knew deep down she would get upset over you putting DS in daycare part time. Come on now, deep down you knew it. The guy had a conversation with his mother, simple. She got insulted (like my mother or MIL would) because you putting your son in daycare part time when she has been watching him this whole time is a reflection on her or how you guys feel about her watching him. She saw thru the BS and issue an ultimatum to save face. Now the ball is in your camp. IMHO, this is an easy issue. You tell your MIL that you would love to have them watch the kid full time, but you want your son to start to be socialized with other kids and part time day care is the best way to do that. MIL may be upset because she will miss spending time with her grand kid, but she won't want to not watch him part time.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 8:19:00 GMT -5
I really don't see the big deal and let be honest: you knew deep down she would get upset over you putting DS in daycare part time. Come on now, deep down you knew it. The guy had a conversation with his mother, simple. She got insulted (like my mother or MIL would) because you putting your son in daycare part time when she has been watching him this whole time is a reflection on her or how you guys feel about her watching him. She saw thru the BS and issue an ultimatum to save face. Now the ball is in your camp. you pretty much have it all right. But when someone doesn't want to take your payment and then complains about not feeling appreciated, what the hell am I supposed to do?!
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Taxman10
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Post by Taxman10 on Aug 8, 2012 8:19:34 GMT -5
MMC - wow, you are actually trying to give sound advice! And I'd actually try it, except MIL refuses to air her grievances with me, so that's why there is a constant back and forth. I called my mom on the way in this morning because, well, I really needed someone to talk to and I didn't know where else to turn. My dad's family was a lot like the ILs - clique-y and overbearing, and she had to deal with that a lot. My nana watched me until I was 2, but she didn't work and did it because she wanted to - NOT because she wanted something in return. Sitting down and talking only works when NO ONE IS CRAZY! She is coming up this weekend to watch the baby while we look for cars. And I know she wants to talk to us (DH and I) about this whole mess. I'll give you a nickel's worth of free advice...be careful having your Mom talk to you and DH -- DH isn't going to like it anymore than you like MIL talking to you. If I were you, I'd tell both GPs to butt out and let you and DH get it figured out. If GPs want to help on YOUR terms - great, if not, work through it. But I'd guess MIL is feeling insulted, like MMC or Arch (?) said, so she threw down the gauntlet.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 8:20:26 GMT -5
I really don't see the big deal and let be honest: you knew deep down she would get upset over you putting DS in daycare part time. Come on now, deep down you knew it. The guy had a conversation with his mother, simple. She got insulted (like my mother or MIL would) because you putting your son in daycare part time when she has been watching him this whole time is a reflection on her or how you guys feel about her watching him. She saw thru the BS and issue an ultimatum to save face. Now the ball is in your camp. you pretty much have it all right. But when someone doesn't want to take your payment and then complains about not feeling appreciated, what the hell am I supposed to do?! You roll your eyes behind their back and complain about them on an internet message board. What else would you want to do?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 8:20:40 GMT -5
I really don't see the big deal and let be honest: you knew deep down she would get upset over you putting DS in daycare part time. Come on now, deep down you knew it. The guy had a conversation with his mother, simple. She got insulted (like my mother or MIL would) because you putting your son in daycare part time when she has been watching him this whole time is a reflection on her or how you guys feel about her watching him. She saw thru the BS and issue an ultimatum to save face. Now the ball is in your camp. IMHO, this is an easy issue. You tell your MIL that you would love to have them watch the kid full time, but you want your son to start to be socialized with other kids and part time day care is the best way to do that. that is EXACTLY how I wanted to word it when we BOTH sat down to talk to her about it. But instead, DH brought it up to her without me and phrased it to sound like we were just trying to limit her time with DS.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 8:21:13 GMT -5
I am so glad my husband is not a momma's boy.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Aug 8, 2012 8:21:43 GMT -5
MJ, you have a PM
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Taxman10
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Post by Taxman10 on Aug 8, 2012 8:21:54 GMT -5
Maybe you can find a good, cheap used car and then use the difference to pay for DC. That would give you some time to get some reserves saved up. I suggested pocketing the whole thing and using it for the first year of daycare, but DH asked what would happen if we couldn't get the money for the next year. Good question. Your suggestion is better though. I'll have to mull it over.... Thanks. Damn, I can't get any information about paid blood/plasma donations. I get where I can make a donation, but there is no information about payment. Blood donation/payment places aren't in every town...it's really a luck-kind of thing. You probably have to call to find out if it's free or paid.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 8:22:49 GMT -5
IMHO, this is an easy issue. You tell your MIL that you would love to have them watch the kid full time, but you want your son to start to be socialized with other kids and part time day care is the best way to do that. that is EXACTLY how I wanted to word it when we BOTH sat down to talk to her about it. But instead, DH brought it up to her without me and phrased it to sound like we were just trying to limit her time with DS. So you correct it. You talk with your MIL and you two can bond about how your husband (her son) is always getting things confused. You two can have a nice laugh together and get it settled. You could even go as far as saying that if it was up to your husband your son would go into full time day care, but you really want your son to have time with his grandmother so you couldn't do anymore than part time day care. That will get you in good with her, but you may not want to push it too much.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Aug 8, 2012 8:23:14 GMT -5
I suggested pocketing the whole thing and using it for the first year of daycare, but DH asked what would happen if we couldn't get the money for the next year. Good question. Your suggestion is better though. I'll have to mull it over.... Thanks. Damn, I can't get any information about paid blood/plasma donations. I get where I can make a donation, but there is no information about payment. Blood donation/payment places aren't in every town...it's really a luck-kind of thing. You probably have to call to find out if it's free or paid. You generally sell plasma and donate blood
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 8:24:28 GMT -5
That's a nice sentiment, Arch.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 8, 2012 8:24:44 GMT -5
Jen, I'm sorry. My MIL drives me nuts but she's gotten a LOT better since she retired and has gotten to know my parents better. Short version is that she was jealous of my mom for a while. Remember the advice on twin's thread on WIR. Try to be happy and don't issue any ultimatums you're not going to follow though on. And try to take some time to cool down. I know I don't have the backstory like Swamp but I'm not getting the problem with DH discussing dcp options with his Mom. I do with my Mom all the time. And I try to clue MIL in too because DH doesn't always remember to. We do this because it affects their plans and schedules and lives. It's a courtesy. But then again, we mostly have sane family... Anyway, hugs Jen. We're here for you. ETA - ok, saw the update. His phrasing sucked big time. But his mom ought to know that about him. She raised him afterall. And somehow he managed to become the guy you fell in love with. So she's got to have SOME good points, somewhere....
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 8:25:21 GMT -5
that is EXACTLY how I wanted to word it when we BOTH sat down to talk to her about it. But instead, DH brought it up to her without me and phrased it to sound like we were just trying to limit her time with DS. So you correct it. You talk with your MIL and you two can bond about how your husband (her son) is always getting things confused. You two can have a nice laugh together and get it settled. that's so passive aggressive that it just might work!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 8:26:30 GMT -5
So you correct it. You talk with your MIL and you two can bond about how your husband (her son) is always getting things confused. You two can have a nice laugh together and get it settled. that's so passive aggressive that it just might work! If there is something i am an expert in it is passive aggression.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 8, 2012 8:34:59 GMT -5
::Second, why was he in essence consulting his mother about care options for OUR son?!::
Because she's the current provider, and she's doing it for FREE. He SHOULD be consulting her.
::that I couldn't give a rat's ass about how his mother likes it - this isn't healthy and I'm not going to be a party to it.::
You should care how she likes it. You've admitted you can't afford to send the kid to daycare full time. If you want her to keep doing you this pretty large favor, you need to care how she likes it.
::First, why did this conversation happen without me present?::
Because she didn't want you present presumably? She's not under some obligation to include you. She wanted to talk to her son.
::Jen, you are not overreacting...a husband and wife need to present a united front. You talked and came to an agreement and now he is caving because his mommy is having a fit. He needs to cut the cord and worry about making his wife happy.::
I disagree, only because they can't afford to take the kid to daycare. Husband and wife can't "come to an agreement" when that agreement hinges on someone else being willing to do something for you. If they came to an agreement together of "ok, the kid will go to daycare FT" then that's fine and I'd agree they need to present a united front. The issue though is that they came to an agreement of "the kid will go to daycare PT, and the rest of the time your mother will watch him". You CAN'T come to that agreement without buyin from the mother.
::Our current mantra with MIL is saying "thank you for your input "MIL" and then doing whatever we decide to do. It has worked wonders!::
Which works fine, until "whatever you decide to do" includes getting MIL to donate 3 days of her time every week to make your decision happen.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 8:37:17 GMT -5
You forgot to quote the part about us being able to do that because she was not watching our kid anymore.
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