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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 9:14:53 GMT -5
::I am NOT going to allow my ILs to control my behavior any longer, and I DON'T want them raising my child. I will do what I need to do to stop all of this. Period. End of story. :: I think this makes it pretty clear why DH chose not to involve you in his discussion with his mother. You're not interested in talking about things, you're interested in getting what you want. I don't think he CHOSE not to involve me. She was there, he was there, the subject came up. I may be pissed as all hell at my DH but I know that he wouldn't try to make decisions like this behind my back.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 9:15:07 GMT -5
So the real problem is that her husband doesn't make enough money. What? I didn't say that! MIL gets to have input on how DS is being raised because she is the one with him for 8 hours a day. If they don't want her input then they need to put a halt to this arrangement. Otherwise, she DOES get a say and that is the price they pay for her watching their kid. MIL needs to watch the kids because they can't afford daycare. So the problem is, is that he doesn't make enough money to send the kid to daycare.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Aug 8, 2012 9:15:59 GMT -5
::"appreciate" is subjective. We do thank them and appreciate what they do, but what else do they want?:: Have you asked what would make them feel appreciated? ::I see your point, but what exactly am I supposed to do when I'm surrounded by people who are not on my side? When no one will listen to me? :: It's a tough situation, but you're now turning it into "me and my mom against you and your mom". And given that HIS mom is the one watching the kids, you're not going to win that battle. You can't complain about what he's doing then basically do the same thing if you want to retain any credibility. What you can do is start by realizing that you will not necessarily "win". Just because you want it to happen doesn't make it the new rule. I would start by figuring out what MIL wants in order to feel appreciated. That might solve the entire problem right there. Or lets start with this. Given that you cannot afford FT daycare right now, what is your proposed solution that you want DH to "side with you" on? Because if the answer is "PT daycare and PT at MIL", the 2 of you cannot make that decision. I haven't been able to ask them ANYTHING because MIL refuses to allow me to be present when grievances are being aired. Info is supposed to just trickle from her to DH to me. I find that immature and unacceptable since things always get lost in translation. I can't defend myself or ask questions, so I have to rely on DH who obviously won't do as good a job as I will since they are his parents. And if watching him 5 days a week now is okay, how is watching him 3 days a week later so terrible? I really don't understand all the hoopla over it. It's LESS WORK! Likely it got phrased very differently than that and she took it as being that she's not doing a good enough job and you want a different arrangement. You need to talk to her directly with your DH present. You and your DH also need to work on communicating WITH EACH OTHER better, because there seems to be a serious breakdown there.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 8, 2012 9:17:12 GMT -5
::And if watching him 5 days a week now is okay, how is watching him 3 days a week later so terrible?::
No one said it's terrible. She said she doesn't want that arrangement, and it's up to her given you're asking HER for the favor. If she said she wouldn't watch DS unless he was dipped in chocolate and sprinkles that's her right. Your right (along with DH) is to not ask her for the favor.
::I haven't been able to ask them ANYTHING because MIL refuses to allow me to be present when grievances are being aired. Info is supposed to just trickle from her to DH to me. I find that immature and unacceptable since things always get lost in translation. I can't defend myself or ask questions, so I have to rely on DH who obviously won't do as good a job as I will since they are his parents.::
Maybe she doesn't like you and doesn't want to speak with you. That's absolutely her right.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 9:18:32 GMT -5
::I haven't been able to ask them ANYTHING because MIL refuses to allow me to be present when grievances are being aired. Info is supposed to just trickle from her to DH to me. I find that immature and unacceptable since things always get lost in translation. I can't defend myself or ask questions, so I have to rely on DH who obviously won't do as good a job as I will since they are his parents.:: Maybe she doesn't like you and doesn't want to speak with you. That's absolutely her right. okay, well then she can't expect any change in behavior from me.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 8, 2012 9:19:03 GMT -5
::You need to talk to her directly with your DH present.::
If MIL wants to talk to her. Jenny makes it sound like MIL has no interest in talking with her.
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Taxman10
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Post by Taxman10 on Aug 8, 2012 9:20:09 GMT -5
:: ::Riiight...she should negate any feelings she has about this to pacify her in-laws.:: She doesn't have to negate her feelings. But just because she's "the mom" doesn't make her any more right than "the dad". Mom doesn't just automatically get her way because she's a woman. Wait?? WHAT?? really?? i thought that was like a rule or something? Mom's always get what they want?? DAMN!!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 9:21:03 GMT -5
I don't know.....but my guess is she knows how you feel about her, about the situation, etc and she doesn't like it. My guess is she wants to feel like she is part of YOUR family and she probably doesn't. You want example from my life? G-d knows I have a millions of them when it comes to IL's. MY IL's got upset with me a "few" times bc I never asked them for advice when it comes to kids. They wanted us to NEED them and their input and they don't get that from me. May be that's all your IL's want - to feel needed, not just to BE needed. Lena BINGO!!! My wife and I are both from intrusive, needy, no boundaries families. We could write a book about it. Your MIL does not want to control your life, she wants to feel like she is part of it. I am willing to be my paycheck that you threw this party without once asking her for her opinion. How do you think she feels? She has been watching your little angel for a year and this major milestone / life event you did not include her or ask for her opinion. So yes she felt left out and unappreciated. My MIL would have done the same to a T, even add in a few tears. But all she wants deep down (and I bet same for your MIL) is to make life better/easier for her kids/family and maybe get some sort of feedback that her efforts are appreciated/welcome. Include her in things that will not brake you but will mean the world to her: - shopping for outfits for DS - getting a new toy for DS - sent her pictures of DS acting silly - little I LOVE Grandma gifts, etc. You are just going at this the wrong way if you cannot afford full day care.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 9:21:08 GMT -5
:: ::Riiight...she should negate any feelings she has about this to pacify her in-laws.:: She doesn't have to negate her feelings. But just because she's "the mom" doesn't make her any more right than "the dad". Mom doesn't just automatically get her way because she's a woman. Wait?? WHAT?? really?? i thought that was like a rule or something? Mom's always get what they want?? DAMN!! Another shredded memo...
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 8, 2012 9:21:27 GMT -5
::Mom's always get what they want??::
Yeah, but it's just not automatic. It's because the guys cave.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 9:21:28 GMT -5
Hoops, we can talk but apparently not about unpleasant things.
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Bluerobin
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Post by Bluerobin on Aug 8, 2012 9:22:03 GMT -5
MJ, bottom line is MIL should NOT be making decisions in your marriage. DH has to grow a set and does have decisions to make. If Swamp and I agree, it's gotta be true.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 9:24:27 GMT -5
I don't know.....but my guess is she knows how you feel about her, about the situation, etc and she doesn't like it. My guess is she wants to feel like she is part of YOUR family and she probably doesn't. You want example from my life? G-d knows I have a millions of them when it comes to IL's. MY IL's got upset with me a "few" times bc I never asked them for advice when it comes to kids. They wanted us to NEED them and their input and they don't get that from me. May be that's all your IL's want - to feel needed, not just to BE needed. Lena BINGO!!! My wife and I are both from intrusive, needy, no boundaries families. We could write a book about it. Your MIL does not want to control your life, she wants to feel like she is part of it. I am willing to be my paycheck that you threw this party without once asking her for her opinion. How do you think she feels? She has been watching your little angel for a year and this major milestone / life event you did not include her or ask for her opinion. So yes she felt left out and unappreciated. My MIL would have done the same to a T, even add in a few tears. But all she wants deep down (and I bet same for your MIL) is to make life better/easier for her kids/family and maybe get some sort of feedback that her efforts are appreciated/welcome. Include her in things that will not brake you but will mean the world to her: - shopping for outfits for DS - getting a new toy for DS - sent her pictures of DS acting silly - little I LOVE Grandma gifts, etc. You are just going at this the wrong way if you cannot afford full day care. but she WAS included!!!!! We did ask her opinion on things like food and stuff, where we should have it, etc. I feel that she does enough and that planning the party is something that WE should do. So now we are unappreciative? Apparently we just can't win. Everything we do is wrong.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 8, 2012 9:24:53 GMT -5
I can tell you from experience with my parents watching my brother's 3 kids. My parents would be offended at taking money, they don't need it. But my brother and his wife make sure that not all the contact is babysitting contact. It's inviting them over for pizza or a movie with the kids. It's including them in fun activities, it's little gifts made by the kids.
Something to consider is that it's very easy to say "well grandma sees them 8 hours every day" and use that as an excuse to cut out quality family time with them. She doesn't sound like the type who after 8 hours says "I'm sick of that kid, I don't want anything else to do with him". She's not JUST a babysitter, she's also a grandmother. She may not feel appreciated because she might think she's being treated as babysitter only.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 9:25:01 GMT -5
Jen threw a party for HER DS in HER house!!! Why should MIL have any say in the party preparations? My MIL has boundary issues too and I put my foot down when it comes to what is happening in MY house!
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Taxman10
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Post by Taxman10 on Aug 8, 2012 9:25:29 GMT -5
MJ, bottom line is MIL should NOT be making decisions in your marriage. DH has to grow a set and does have decisions to make. If Swamp and I agree, it's gotta be true. I agree too!! A trifecta of wisdom!! B/c Swamp and I NEVER disagree :-)
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Taxman10
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Post by Taxman10 on Aug 8, 2012 9:26:34 GMT -5
Jen threw a party for HER DS in HER house!!! Why should MIL have any say in the party preparations? My MIL has boundary issues too and I put my foot down when it came to what is happening in MY house! to avoid future fights :-)
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 9:26:49 GMT -5
I can tell you from experience with my parents watching my brother's 3 kids. My parents would be offended at taking money, they don't need it. But my brother and his wife make sure that not all the contact is babysitting contact. It's inviting them over for pizza or a movie with the kids. It's including them in fun activities, it's little gifts made by the kids. Something to consider is that it's very easy to say "well grandma sees them 8 hours every day" and use that as an excuse to cut out quality family time with them. She doesn't sound like the type who after 8 hours says "I'm sick of that kid, I don't want anything else to do with him". She's not JUST a babysitter, she's also a grandmother. She may not feel appreciated because she might think she's being treated as babysitter only.Good point, hoops.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 9:31:00 GMT -5
Jen threw a party for HER DS in HER house!!! Why should MIL have any say in the party preparations? My MIL has boundary issues too and I put my foot down when it comes to what is happening in MY house! But unlike Jen, you not send your kids to their house 5 days a week for 8 hours or so a day. So unless she can dish out the money for dull day care she does not get to throw a hissy fit over MIL wanting to get involved or not. Simple enough?
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 8, 2012 9:31:43 GMT -5
Hoops, we can talk but apparently not about unpleasant things. Good, that makes it easier then. Find a way to talk about it in a pleasant way.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 9:33:06 GMT -5
I can tell you from experience with my parents watching my brother's 3 kids. My parents would be offended at taking money, they don't need it. But my brother and his wife make sure that not all the contact is babysitting contact. It's inviting them over for pizza or a movie with the kids. It's including them in fun activities, it's little gifts made by the kids. Something to consider is that it's very easy to say "well grandma sees them 8 hours every day" and use that as an excuse to cut out quality family time with them. She doesn't sound like the type who after 8 hours says "I'm sick of that kid, I don't want anything else to do with him". She's not JUST a babysitter, she's also a grandmother. She may not feel appreciated because she might think she's being treated as babysitter only. you're right. And now we shall segue to.... Dun dun DUUUUUNNNN: the Cape May Trip. So it's MIL birthday weekend and she, FIL, BIL, and her mother (didn't know SHE was coming until after I agreed) wanted to go to CM for a few days. DH and I stalled b/c we really didn't want to go. But then I caved - *I* caved - because I thought it would be a nice thing for his mom to have her whole family on a trip. So we went. When I found out GIL was coming, I was pretty unhappy. (she INVENTED passive aggression!) But we already committed. I told DH that we need to reimburse his parents for the hotel but he said no - they invited us, so they can pay. Um, okay.... Basically we were forced to do whatever MIL/GIL wanted to do and there was basically no regard for the fact that we had a baby in tow. We split from the group one afternoon and did our own thing with DS. It was nice. But apparently "doing your own thing" on a family trip with them is akin to killing puppies. So MIL was pissed about that too.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 8, 2012 9:33:47 GMT -5
::Why should MIL have any say in the party preparations? ::
I don't think it's uncommon for grandma to have some participation in planning. I would venture this is one of those "I'd like to be treated like grandma sometimes, instead of just the babysitter" situations.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Aug 8, 2012 9:33:50 GMT -5
Maybe you can find a good, cheap used car and then use the difference to pay for DC. That would give you some time to get some reserves saved up. I suggested pocketing the whole thing and using it for the first year of daycare, but DH asked what would happen if we couldn't get the money for the next year. Good question. Your suggestion is better though. I'll have to mull it over.... Thanks. Damn, I can't get any information about paid blood/plasma donations. I get where I can make a donation, but there is no information about payment. MJ, not sure there are any places that pay in central NJ. I've looked in the past BTW. I think RWJ in NB sometimes gives say $20 gift cards to grocery stores for blood donations but I personally have never spent the gas money to check it out.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 9:34:40 GMT -5
GIL = Grandma in law?
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 9:34:45 GMT -5
Jen threw a party for HER DS in HER house!!! Why should MIL have any say in the party preparations? My MIL has boundary issues too and I put my foot down when it comes to what is happening in MY house! But unlike Jen, you not send your kids to their house 5 days a week for 8 hours or so a day. So unless she can dish out the money for dull day care she does not get to throw a hissy fit over MIL wanting to get involved or not. Simple enough? No it's not that simple, actually. A boundary needs to be put in place so that MIL knows that her control over situations doesn't fly when she is in SOMEONE else's house. Because when she stops providing daycare (either now or when Jen's DS is old enough to go to school) she will think that it is OK for her to "rule the roost" not only at her own house but at Jen's as well. At least, that has been my experience. ETA: And MIL did watch my DD when I first went back to work. I went through the same thing as Jen is going through and I ended up putting her and DS after we had him into daycare. To me, it wasn't worth ruining our relationship with our in-laws.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 9:34:49 GMT -5
Hoops, we can talk but apparently not about unpleasant things. Good, that makes it easier then. Find a way to talk about it in a pleasant way. "hey, MIL! So I heard that you're trying to control my life by playing martyr to your son! And how about those Mets?"
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telephus44
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Post by telephus44 on Aug 8, 2012 9:35:32 GMT -5
My MIL watched my first son, too, and I kind of know where you're coming from.
A lot of my MIL issues with her caring for DS were that I was never consulted on anything. "I signed him up for this day camp" "I bought him winter boots" "I let him watch XYZ TV show." I was a lot more particular when he was a baby since she never even asked my opinion or what we were doing when it came to feeding, pacifier use, etc. She just did whatever the hell she wanted to and we got informed about it later.
Our dynamic is that DH and I are generally on the same page, but we're both afraid to confront her. I generally ask DH to talk to her when there's something bothering me. Yes, I know that I *should* be the one to bring things up, and that's something I'm working on be being better at. DH just doens't want to "rock the boat" because he's afraid of her anger, too. And to be fair, I don't think she's being mean or intentionally manipulative, but we have some real issues that we don't see eye to eye on. A lot of what blew up for us several years ago was when DS#1 was diagnosed with autism. She still thinks that "he's just a boy, boys are like that" and that the school system "is out to get him" rather than trying to deal with his diagnosis.
Initially, she watched DS#1 part time. Shortly after she was born, her mother moved in with them since she couldn't care for herself. We felt that she wasn't able to work a job, watch and care for her elderly mother, and take care of a baby. When DS#1 was a little over a year, we ended up just putting him in daycare FT. She went ballistic and refused to talk for 3 or 4 months. She ended up not talking to us until her mother died and while they were making burial arrangements ended up coming to terms with our decision.
Since then, she has been more respectful of our decisions, although there are a lot of things that still are issues. But if we hadn't actually pulled him out of there, I think it would have just gotten worse.
If I were you, I would absolutely do what I had to do to make FT daycare happen, even if it's not forever. One thing that I'm not sure of from your posts, are you and DH actually on the same page or not? I struggled with the fact that DH and I did agree, but neither of us wanted to confront MIL, so it wasn't so much that DH agreed with her as that he would cave and just let her win.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 9:35:45 GMT -5
I can tell you from experience with my parents watching my brother's 3 kids. My parents would be offended at taking money, they don't need it. But my brother and his wife make sure that not all the contact is babysitting contact. It's inviting them over for pizza or a movie with the kids. It's including them in fun activities, it's little gifts made by the kids. Something to consider is that it's very easy to say "well grandma sees them 8 hours every day" and use that as an excuse to cut out quality family time with them. She doesn't sound like the type who after 8 hours says "I'm sick of that kid, I don't want anything else to do with him". She's not JUST a babysitter, she's also a grandmother. She may not feel appreciated because she might think she's being treated as babysitter only. you're right. And now we shall segue to.... Dun dun DUUUUUNNNN: the Cape May Trip. So it's MIL birthday weekend and she, FIL, BIL, and her mother (didn't know SHE was coming until after I agreed) wanted to go to CM for a few days. DH and I stalled b/c we really didn't want to go. But then I caved - *I* caved - because I thought it would be a nice thing for his mom to have her whole family on a trip. So we went. When I found out GIL was coming, I was pretty unhappy. (she INVENTED passive aggression!) But we already committed. I told DH that we need to reimburse his parents for the hotel but he said no - they invited us, so they can pay. Um, okay.... Basically we were forced to do whatever MIL/GIL wanted to do and there was basically no regard for the fact that we had a baby in tow. We split from the group one afternoon and did our own thing with DS. It was nice. But apparently "doing your own thing" on a family trip with them is akin to killing puppies. So MIL was pissed about that too. yeah, family vacations are crazy... we did two of them this year. One week with my whole family and one week with her whole family. It is nice to come home after those vacations....
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Aug 8, 2012 9:38:46 GMT -5
I can tell you from experience with my parents watching my brother's 3 kids. My parents would be offended at taking money, they don't need it. But my brother and his wife make sure that not all the contact is babysitting contact. It's inviting them over for pizza or a movie with the kids. It's including them in fun activities, it's little gifts made by the kids. Something to consider is that it's very easy to say "well grandma sees them 8 hours every day" and use that as an excuse to cut out quality family time with them. She doesn't sound like the type who after 8 hours says "I'm sick of that kid, I don't want anything else to do with him". She's not JUST a babysitter, she's also a grandmother. She may not feel appreciated because she might think she's being treated as babysitter only. you're right. And now we shall segue to.... Dun dun DUUUUUNNNN: the Cape May Trip. So it's MIL birthday weekend and she, FIL, BIL, and her mother (didn't know SHE was coming until after I agreed) wanted to go to CM for a few days. DH and I stalled b/c we really didn't want to go. But then I caved - *I* caved - because I thought it would be a nice thing for his mom to have her whole family on a trip. So we went. When I found out GIL was coming, I was pretty unhappy. (she INVENTED passive aggression!) But we already committed. I told DH that we need to reimburse his parents for the hotel but he said no - they invited us, so they can pay. Um, okay.... Basically we were forced to do whatever MIL/GIL wanted to do and there was basically no regard for the fact that we had a baby in tow. We split from the group one afternoon and did our own thing with DS. It was nice. But apparently "doing your own thing" on a family trip with them is akin to killing puppies. So MIL was pissed about that too. Yikes! Well, now I have an idea of why you may not like Cape May... Sorry to hear that. People who are control freaky on vacations are just not worth the effort IMO. I think my Mom came down with me once to Cape May but she's pretty flexible and my family doesn't need to be together all the time. As long as everyone is in sync for arrival, departure and most meals we are good.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 8, 2012 9:39:18 GMT -5
::Basically we were forced to do whatever MIL/GIL wanted to do::
On a weekend trip for HER birthday? That's what I would have expected.
::We split from the group one afternoon and did our own thing with DS.::
One afternoon out of 2? Or was it more than a weekend?
I'm not saying you were in the wrong, but I'm not surprised she got upset. You went on a trip for her birthday that they apparently paid for. And then decided you were going off to do your own thing for an afternoon ( again, I'm assuming 2 afternoons total for the weekend).
::Basically we were forced to do whatever MIL/GIL wanted to do and there was basically no regard for the fact that we had a baby in tow.::
Like what? What I'm getting at is there's a big difference I think between "we have a baby, he needs a nap, we've gotta go back to the room for a couple hours so he can get his nap in" and "we're gonna go off and do our own thing today".
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