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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Jul 29, 2012 17:24:54 GMT -5
...that's two female posters, presumably both from the USA, and both answer differently to the same question... True. And I'll readily admit I'm the one with the nonconventional opinion on this issue. Most of the time, this is asked in swanky settings and honestly, the majority of the time the wives there do not work for money or contribute monetarily other than from inheritance. It doesn't seem to bother the other wives to be asked this and it probably only bothers me because I worked so darn hard to get here that it just stinks with one casual question a stranger can imply that my only contribution is as arm candy or supportive spouse. That says more about me than the asker, though, since as I said they are just (correctly) playing the odds. ...and this sentiment may closely resemble one of a "lightsdaughter" who is asked about their kids, as if parenthood is ones greatest contributions to the world... ...it just goes to prove that people do, in fact, make judgements upon new aquaintances, based upon credentials (or lack there of) such as education, employment, family size, dress size, etc.... ...and the US is a funny place, too, in that many carry over a heritage or inclination to "social rankings" from British aristocracy standings, while many others denounce them... and there doesn't seem to be much rhyme or reason to the variance...
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Jul 29, 2012 17:42:53 GMT -5
Weren't we all kind of taught to ask these kinds of questions when making small talk? Or, is that now somehow politically incorrect? The answer might not even have anything to do with work. I might ask someone at the soccer game with my kids what they do and the answer might be "I'm the treasurer for the soccer asc". The answer might be they are taking classes. It might be I'm a mom. "What do your do?" isn't the start of an interogation. It is smply the start to a conversation. You can answer it as fully or not at your choice. I know many a Phd would would rather pull their hair out than answer that question as they are a Dr. They really don't want to hear about people's medical problems. So they would say they work at a college or are a professor. This is the first time I have ever heard of it being considered rude or surprising though.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Jul 29, 2012 18:08:21 GMT -5
"So, what do you think? Is this a question that you are often asked as part of small talk? Is it a question you ask? If so, which social functions do you ask it at?" I get asked often what hubby does...no big deal. I have to admit it, this one rubs me the wrong way. I don't normally worry too much about what other people think, so it's embarrassing to say, but it irritates me that someone would assume that DH provides the income. Doesn't happen often, but when someone does ask that, I ignore it and answer as if they asked what I do. People ask me what my wife does all the time.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2012 18:26:08 GMT -5
Example of my social error: I started talking to someone at a party that I hadn't been introduced to. My background tells me this is social and friendly and good behavior at a party. The glare from the person who brought me to the party told me that I shouldn't start chatting people up until/unless I was introduced. That surprises me- I could see it happen in some very formal situations in Europe or where the place is full of people richer and more famous than you are, but other than that I agree with you- the friendly, sociable thing to do is to start conversations with people, around "easy" subjects- the food, the weather, etc. As for "what do you do"- it's a question I avoid asking unless someone starts talking about their job first. As in, "sorry I'm late-I had a last-minute crisis at work"- to me that's a signal that they're open to discussing what they do. I typically don't volunteer what I do- I'm in a field known for being well-paid and in many cases my answer is a clear braodcast that I make more than they do. I don't want to start a relationship off on that foot.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jul 29, 2012 19:06:01 GMT -5
I have to admit it, this one rubs me the wrong way. I don't normally worry too much about what other people think, so it's embarrassing to say, but it irritates me that someone would assume that DH provides the income. Doesn't happen often, but when someone does ask that, I ignore it and answer as if they asked what I do. People ask me what my wife does all the time. We may be reading her post differently, but I'm assuming that the person asking her is asking what her husband does without first asking or knowing what she does - implying that they are assuming the husband works and she doesn't. That's the scenario I'm referring to. If someone doesn't know what I do or ask what I do, but jumps directly to asking what DH does, that's what irritates me. I'm not irritated if they ask what DH does after they ask what I do. The jumping directly to asking what DH does seems to happen most at fancy charity events or social situations where a lot of the people have money. I may be reading too much into it, but when, within a few minutes of meeting, a stranger asks a woman what the woman's DH does without first asking what the woman does, I think the stranger is implying that the stranger is curious what type of business the DH is in to have that kind of money and further implying that there's no need to ask the wife what she does because women at these events are usually arm candy or supportive spouses. Now I'm curious, the people that are asking what your wife does, are they asking after they ask or know about you or is that what they lead with?
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moxie
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Post by moxie on Jul 29, 2012 19:09:01 GMT -5
Seriously, I consider it just a part of a conversation, maybe just a question off the top of someone's head during those awkward lulls when you have to come up with something to talk about. I don't consider it inappropriate or intrusive. It's not something I would normally ask...I just don't usually feel a need to. If others ask me though, I don't have a problem with it.
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susanb
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Post by susanb on Jul 29, 2012 19:25:03 GMT -5
Example of my social error: I started talking to someone at a party that I hadn't been introduced to. My background tells me this is social and friendly and good behavior at a party. The glare from the person who brought me to the party told me that I shouldn't start chatting people up until/unless I was introduced. That surprises me- I could see it happen in some very formal situations in Europe or where the place is full of people richer and more famous than you are, but other than that I agree with you- the friendly, sociable thing to do is to start conversations with people, around "easy" subjects- the food, the weather, etc. As for "what do you do"- it's a question I avoid asking unless someone starts talking about their job first. As in, "sorry I'm late-I had a last-minute crisis at work"- to me that's a signal that they're open to discussing what they do. I typically don't volunteer what I do- I'm in a field known for being well-paid and in many cases my answer is a clear braodcast that I make more than they do. I don't want to start a relationship off on that foot.Exactly. Here is the thing. One person who asked me about my job is a social worker who helps disabled people find jobs. She had revealed some pretty personal things to our class. Afterwards, she wanted to talk to me because of some things I had said. I could have told her that DH and I own X and Y, but I think that would have caused distance between us. It would have felt like bragging to me. Instead, I mentioned that I work for X company (in response to what do you do). She asked doing what and I said I work in administration. I am not an admin, but there is an administrative component to what I do.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 29, 2012 20:31:30 GMT -5
Same here (I'm definitely on the low end of the pay spectrum, but most people don't realize that). Plus many have a visceral reaction when they hear "government attorney," we are not a popular species.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Jul 29, 2012 21:06:23 GMT -5
Same here (I'm definitely on the low end of the pay spectrum, but most people don't realize that). Plus many have a visceral reaction when they hear "government attorney," we are not a popular species. ...I hear ya... but at least you'll still get to hear some good gossip... try a "clergy" title on for size and see how boring cocktail parties become...
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Jul 29, 2012 22:07:50 GMT -5
::We may be reading her post differently, but I'm assuming that the person asking her is asking what her husband does without first asking or knowing what she does - implying that they are assuming the husband works and she doesn't. That's the scenario I'm referring to. If someone doesn't know what I do or ask what I do, but jumps directly to asking what DH does, that's what irritates me. I'm not irritated if they ask what DH does after they ask what I do.::
What I'm saying is that people ask me a lot without even knowing what I do necessarily. Generally for 2 reasons. 1. It's a woman, and she cares more about maybe finding something in common with my wife. 2. It's a guy and he's trying to find a connection to my wife for his wife/gf so we can all hang out.
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flopsy
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Post by flopsy on Jul 29, 2012 22:26:27 GMT -5
Taking classes for fun may put you out of the age range of the other students, hence the question. They're just trying to feel you out.
Like everyone else I consider "what do you do?" (function not title) a normal question in every setting. At a networking event I may phrase it as "what line of work are you in?".
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susanb
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Post by susanb on Jul 29, 2012 22:36:00 GMT -5
Taking classes for fun may put you out of the age range of the other students, hence the question. They're just trying to feel you out. These are outreach classes, not college classes. The vast majority of people in these classes are in their thirties and forties. I am in my thirties. I agree they are just trying to feel me out.
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flopsy
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Post by flopsy on Jul 29, 2012 22:47:47 GMT -5
Exactly. Here is the thing. One person who asked me about my job is a social worker who helps disabled people find jobs. She had revealed some pretty personal things to our class. Afterwards, she wanted to talk to me because of some things I had said. I could have told her that DH and I own X and Y, but I think that would have caused distance between us. It would have felt like bragging to me. Instead, I mentioned that I work for X company (in response to what do you do). She asked doing what and I said I work in administration. I am not an admin, but there is an administrative component to what I do. She wasn't asking for your personal holdings/assets/etc and owning a business does not mean you are necessarily wealthy, heck you could have crazy amounts of debt. Was she asking because she is looking to move into a new line of work? I'm unemployed at the moment and I want to know what everyone does and who they work for. I'm intrigued by people's jobs As for the glare comment, you are allowed to talk to who ever you want to Your friend is a little too uptight and shouldn't have left you hanging if you need her (or his) permission/introduction to talk to people.
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susanb
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Post by susanb on Jul 29, 2012 23:37:31 GMT -5
Flopsy, I agree. She wasn't asking about my finances. I also agree that business ownership does not equate wealth. A lot of people do make that assumption though. The reason I thought telling her about being a biz owner would create distance is because she had spent a lot of time venting to me about how biased and prejudice hiring professionals and business owners are about people with disabilities. I just listened and tried to empathize. Not telling her was the right call IMO. I would have felt like a braggart and I am sure she would have been embarrassed since she was ragging on business owners.
My friend who glared at me really is uptight, but hey, we all have our faults. Sometimes I act like an obnoxious teenage boy and punch my DH in the arm too much.
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susanb
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Post by susanb on Jul 29, 2012 23:41:16 GMT -5
Wait a minute. WTH is moxie showing up as a guest "besghetti" now? Moxie, Moxie, I like your posts. You make me laugh. Don't go
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milee
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Post by milee on Jul 30, 2012 7:32:29 GMT -5
::We may be reading her post differently, but I'm assuming that the person asking her is asking what her husband does without first asking or knowing what she does - implying that they are assuming the husband works and she doesn't. That's the scenario I'm referring to. If someone doesn't know what I do or ask what I do, but jumps directly to asking what DH does, that's what irritates me. I'm not irritated if they ask what DH does after they ask what I do.:: What I'm saying is that people ask me a lot without even knowing what I do necessarily. Generally for 2 reasons. 1. It's a woman, and she cares more about maybe finding something in common with my wife. 2. It's a guy and he's trying to find a connection to my wife for his wife/gf so we can all hang out. I'm glad I asked. These are good reasons and in the future I'm going to choose to believe that this is why someone is asking what my husband does. Very positive and reasonable.
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flopsy
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Post by flopsy on Jul 30, 2012 8:10:41 GMT -5
she had spent a lot of time venting to me about how biased and prejudice hiring professionals and business owners are about people with disabilities She should work on not generalizing, we all do (hehe)
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 30, 2012 8:22:55 GMT -5
Well, I had a fluff degree and a fluff job so I have a lot in common with most of the women I meet or hang with. I do admire the ones with the STEM degrees though.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2012 9:02:33 GMT -5
Exactly. Here is the thing. One person who asked me about my job is a social worker who helps disabled people find jobs. She had revealed some pretty personal things to our class. Afterwards, she wanted to talk to me because of some things I had said. I could have told her that DH and I own X and Y, but I think that would have caused distance between us. It would have felt like bragging to me. Instead, I mentioned that I work for X company (in response to what do you do). She asked doing what and I said I work in administration. I am not an admin, but there is an administrative component to what I do. I have a friend in a similar profession. I suspect in this case, she may have been trying to feel you out to see if there was a potential job for one of her clients. (1) Did you have a volume of tasks that someone with a disability could complete to provide value to your organization, and (2) did you have the authority to make such a hire. She probably wouldn't have been as intimidated to learn that you were the owner (although she might have dialed up her pitch). I think social workers just assume that everyone makes more money than then, so confirming that suspicion is more uncomfortable for you than it is for them.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jul 30, 2012 13:07:22 GMT -5
I get that question fairly often when meeting new people. I still haven't found an answer that explains my job accurately without going into a long explanation. I think I'm going to start telling people I do web development instead, everyone at least has some idea of what that entails.
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Waffle
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Post by Waffle on Jul 30, 2012 13:09:36 GMT -5
Dark - why not just "I work in I.T."? Then you could judge by the response how much more information to give people.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jul 30, 2012 13:52:25 GMT -5
Too many IT geeks around here... or quasi IT geeks anyway. It would be like saying you "work in the movies" if you lived in Hollywood. So does everyone else so they want more detail, or start asking if you know so and so at Google. I do actually know a couple guys at Google, but it's not like 20 guys working out of a tiny office anymore yanno? They don't all know everybody. It's just like any other big corporation now. You can have two guys that work there for years that might even have offices fairly close to each other, and they'll never meet because they work for different departments or whatever.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2012 18:15:56 GMT -5
What do you do? Recently I have been taking some classes, mostly for fun. All of my classmates ask me what I do for work. It doesn't bother me, but it does take me off guard because people I normally spend time with don't ask this question. I would never ask an acquaintance this question as part of small talk. Two weeks ago, I went to a charity auction and met about one hundred people. Not one person asked me about my job. We talked about business and most of us were there to network, but still, this question never came up. So, what do you think? Is this a question that you are often asked as part of small talk? Is it a question you ask? If so, which social functions do you ask it at? And this is a problem why?
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