muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 18, 2012 16:35:49 GMT -5
There is a lot of tension on this thread. I'm not going to name names, but I think we have too many pregnant, hormonal women on here. Yep I am. I think admitted that 4 pages ago.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 18, 2012 16:36:21 GMT -5
LOL!
I'm pretty sure I could say just about anything and it would piss firebird off.
I am the Walrus - coo coo ca chu.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Jul 18, 2012 16:36:55 GMT -5
There is a lot of tension on this thread. I'm not going to name names, but I think we have too many pregnant, hormonal women on here. I haven't seen a thread yet dealing with parenting that hasn't been tense.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 18, 2012 16:37:59 GMT -5
Okay - I take it back. I wish you the best of luck on your assertion that you will be able to find the time and energy to give your husband and your relationship all the effort it needs to stay healthy and strong.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 18, 2012 16:38:08 GMT -5
I'm pretty sure I could say just about anything and it would piss firebird off.
Most of your posts don't piss me off at all. In order to not piss me off, all you have to do is STOP twisting my words into something completely different than I said, that I never WOULD say.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 18, 2012 16:38:10 GMT -5
It doesn't. I really didn't believe that you thought when people said "women forget about their husband" that you thought we meant they actually had amnesia and forgot. Usually we are saying "Women focus too heavily on their child and the husband feels left out." You aren't immune to that. Well, she might not be, but I know I felt left out between my DH and DS probably just as much as my DH felt left out between me and DS. Which is why I think if a man is feeling too left out then he needs to step it up more.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 18, 2012 16:40:05 GMT -5
Okay - I take it back. I wish you the best of luck on your assertion that you will be able to find the time and energy to give your husband and your relationship all the effort it needs to stay healthy and strong.
THANK you. Geez. Was that so hard? I admit it's going to be difficult and probably we're going to fuck it up a ton before we get it right. It's not going to be sunshine and roses, we're not immune to problems, and I don't expect that we're in for an easy year.
But I do expect that we'll still make time for each other and communicate. I know lots of people that do. A bunch of them are on this thread, so I know it can be done. And that's all I'm expecting - not miracles and roses and sunshine and total immunity from common problems.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 18, 2012 16:40:32 GMT -5
Okay - I take it back. I wish you the best of luck on your assertion that you will be able to find the time and energy to give your husband and your relationship all the effort it needs to stay healthy and strong. But there is middle ground between ignoring your husband and having enough time and energy to give to your relationship. It isn't all or 100%.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 18, 2012 16:40:37 GMT -5
Dark, we all gave you OUR interpretation of what you said (and oddly enough, four or five of us interpreted it in the exact same way). You didn't argue with this interpretation - just said we shouldn't get mad because it was just your opinion.
Now how is that putting words in your mouth, exactly?
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 18, 2012 16:43:30 GMT -5
Dark, we all gave you OUR interpretation of what you said (and oddly enough, four or five of us interpreted it in the exact same way). You didn't argue with this interpretation - just said we shouldn't get mad because it was just your opinion. Now how is that putting words in your mouth, exactly? And a couple of those people weren't even pregnant. So you can't even blame the pregnant posse on that.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jul 18, 2012 16:44:32 GMT -5
Which I clearly stated in my post.
Some things are the new mom's fault. For example, if you spend your entire maternity leave holding the baby 24/7, then the kid cries every time you put them down and refuses to have tummy time. I've seen kids do that. They can't go 2 seconds without being held, and drive the parents crazy, but it's their fault for never leaving the kid alone from the get go. Almost every new mom (and dad for that matter, but they don't usually get shit on as often) I've ever known is too overprotective at first. They try to do everything perfectly and put way too much stress on themselves. They freak out about everything. After a while most of them learn to divorce their fantasy of what having a baby would be like from the reality of what it's actually like, and things go a lot smoother from that point on.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 18, 2012 16:44:49 GMT -5
Everyone intreprets everything everyone says. If you think you are perfect at getting someone else's message, everytime, you are incorrect.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 18, 2012 16:45:06 GMT -5
I argue with you because I know as new moms it is so fucking easy to be told you are doing something wrong and basically a whole lot of your posts say that it is entirely the new mom's fault if things are shitting in the marriage after the birth. I know this is very true. Even things that aren't meant as criticisms can easily come across that way when you have an infant. Between the hormones, the exhaustion, & the fact you are really trying to do the best you can it really hurts when it feels like someone is telling you that you are a bad mother.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 18, 2012 16:46:29 GMT -5
Did you know that if you put a sign on the door asking people not to ring the doorbell or knock you are an anal retentive asshole who is clearly overprotecting their children?
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jul 18, 2012 16:48:17 GMT -5
Unless you're me, because I'm awesome.
Yes.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 18, 2012 16:54:24 GMT -5
Everyone intreprets everything everyone says. If you think you are perfect at getting someone else's message, everytime, you are incorrect.
It's not about interpreting wrong, it's about interpreting REASONABLY.
If I say "apples are my favorite fruit," you could reasonably interpret that to mean that I like ALL apples, and you could reasonably restate my opinion this way: "Firebird likes apples." I might have to clarify that I actually don't care for green apples, I only like the pink ones, but I wouldn't get all pissed at you for that because it's a reasonable interpretation/restatement of what I said (I said they were my favorite fruit, after all; obviously I like them, and it's not your fault I never clarified that I meant pink apples instead of green ones).
But if you restated my opinion as "Firebird loves all apples and she hates all other fruits even though she's never tried them," THEN I'll get pissed because you've moved from "reasonable interpretation of what I said" to "flat out making shit up which, while it might actually be true, did NOT come from what I said."
And then I have to go into a long explanation of how I never said that I liked ALL apples, and I certainly never said that I didn't like other fruits, or that I didn't like other fruits because I'd never tried them, and it takes away from the conversation.
Plus I sound defensive and moody and hormonal.
Which in turn makes me feel defensive and moody and hormonal.
Long story short, all I'm asking is that you not add to my opinions. If you want to quote them in support of something you think, you should at least preface it with "For example, when Firebird said X it sounded to me like she was arguing for Y" rather than just blankly asserting that because I said X I obviously believe Y.
And if you want to know if I believe Y based on the fact that I said X, all you have to do is ask.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 18, 2012 16:55:49 GMT -5
For example, if you spend your entire maternity leave holding the baby 24/7, then the kid cries every time you put them down and refuses to have tummy time. I've seen kids do that. They can't go 2 seconds without being held, and drive the parents crazy, but it's their fault for never leaving the kid alone from the get go.
Or maybe the kid cried everytime the mom put them down no matter what. And my entire maternity leave is 3 weeks. Most babies cry when they get sat down at 3 weeks.
Somethings are not all parents fault. I wish that I could have said it was something I did that made my son not sleep the first 6 months of his life. It was I could have fixed it. But no it was him. He was a hyper alert newborn and it downward spiraled from there.
FTR - I didn't hold my son 24/7 and he actually liked tummy time probably because he was born with good head control. But a good friend of mine is having serious baby issues right now that are not her fault. She has a super difficult sleeper, a 2.5 yr old and DH who is out of the country on work every other week. SHe puts her LO down to deal with her other son, and no matter what he still cries.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jul 18, 2012 16:59:05 GMT -5
They're babies, they cry. Leave them there long enough and they'll get over it. Or you know, still be dealing with that problem when the kid is 6 months old. Either way. God forbid I offer any advice on the matter since I'm a dude anyway, so obviously don't know what I'm talking about.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 18, 2012 17:02:25 GMT -5
My dad, the teacher, always says - if half the class has the same answer on a test, and it's the WRONG answer, it's my fault, not theirs.
So while we all interpret things in our own way, if half of us interpret it in a way other than that intended, it's probably not as clear as it could be.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 18, 2012 17:03:13 GMT -5
They're babies, they cry. Leave them there long enough and they'll get over it. Or you know, still be dealing with that problem when the kid is 6 months old. Either way. God forbid I offer any advice on the matter since I'm a dude anyway, so obviously don't know what I'm talking about. No some babies don't just get over it. It isn't that you are dude it is the fact that you think every fucking baby is the same. They aren't. If you are advice were valid, I would take it. After all leave my child home all day with my husband so obviously I think men can parent.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 18, 2012 17:03:56 GMT -5
Dark--the point is that every kid is different. Because it worked for your family, doesn't mean that it will work for everyone! I think you've even said that. And yet, here we go again because of a blanket statement that any child who cries when laid down is because the parents (and probably the mom) held it too much.
Not trying to be argumentative, but trying to point out where the interpretation is coming from.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 18, 2012 17:04:10 GMT -5
I think it's interesting to have a mans perspective.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 18, 2012 17:05:20 GMT -5
So what parenting mistakes are the dad's fault? Just curious.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 18, 2012 17:06:10 GMT -5
My dad, the teacher, always says - if half the class has the same answer on a test, and it's the WRONG answer, it's my fault, not theirs. I admit I am sometimes guilty of misinterpretation - we all are, especially on here - this is a message board! And part of my frustration is stemming from the fact that my thoughts aren't forming as clearly as I'd like these days. I'm not able to communicate as well as I feel I usually can, and it's immensely tiring. But misinterpreting what someone is saying is very different from augmenting their arguments in order to support your own. The former is unavoidable; the latter is not.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2012 17:06:40 GMT -5
For us the problem was dealing with competing needs. DH and I communicated about our feelings, we just couldn't figure out a way to make me, DH and DS happy all of the time. Someone's needs always get put on the back burner. It was much easier when there were only two, competent people in the picture. We also found out that communicating doesn't mean we agree. There were plenty of times where we spoke and were opposite ends of a parenting issue. Pre-baby life seems like a wonderland of marital bliss. We love each other more deeply now and have a better respect each other's capabilities and sacrifices. We just have more divisive issues to deal with and less time and patience to deal with them.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 18, 2012 17:06:50 GMT -5
So what parenting mistakes are the dad's fault? Just curious. None. Remember new moms don't let dads parent so if they aren't doing it then how can they make a mistake.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2012 17:07:29 GMT -5
rae - thank you!
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jul 18, 2012 17:08:42 GMT -5
Not wearing a condom in the first place.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 18, 2012 17:08:54 GMT -5
For us the problem was dealing with competing needs. DH and I communicated about our feelings, we just couldn't figure out a way to make me, DH and DS happy all of the time. Someone's needs always get put on the back burner. It was much easier when there were only two, competent people in the picture. We also found out that communicating doesn't mean we agree. There were plenty of times where we spoke and were opposite ends of a parenting issue. Pre-baby life seems like a wonderland of marital bliss. We love each other more deeply now and have a better respect each other's capabilities and sacrifices. We just have more divisive issues to deal with and less time and patience to deal with them. Your pregnancy and DS's first year remind me that it could be worse.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2012 17:10:29 GMT -5
Your pregnancy and DS's first year remind me that it could be worse. You've had a tough time too! Are you feeling better?
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