andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 3, 2012 9:10:12 GMT -5
This is all you can really do. You can't control anyone but yourself. My sister is a loser who lives with my parents and my niece and nephew. She has nothing but debt. She works FT but pays no rent. I have no idea what she does with her money. My mom favors her quite a bit. I just let most of it go and when mom complains to me about how my sister (32 yo) needs to get her own place, I just tell her I don't want to hear it. My dad tried to get me to take her in as they all live in a 2 BR house and I own a 4 BR that my girls and I live in. I told him no friggin way! I will not contribute to her financial dependence on others.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2012 9:15:35 GMT -5
If you think you are going to be financially responsible for her I would take the downpayment money for a house and use it as a fund for her future care.
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Jul 3, 2012 9:48:58 GMT -5
Yes. Let me explain. While i am living and a functioning competent adult, i will choose to spend my money however i please. And, if they are adults it is simply NONE of their business. If i choose to give to buy one of my adult children something that is not the business of the other adult children. They need to butt out and i will likewise (try) to butt out of their financial choices as well. However, at the end of my life, when i die, whatever i have as an estate will be equally distributed. I'm sorry, but I still don't understand this. I agree adults of sound mind can give their money to whomever they please. But a concern mentioned here was that MIL might run out of money and need assistance in the future, and you feel the OP and her DH should be ready to help her. However, if she didn't give a huge sum to the DIL and pay more in taxes, then she wouldn't need help until years later. If she needs help because her assets are gone, then there will be nothing to inherit. The DIL is basically getting her inheritance early, and the son may get nothing, so he is essentially disinherited.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jul 3, 2012 9:54:38 GMT -5
If it was my DH I'd ask him how in the world did he expect to accomplish that? Unless he was their only source of income (and therefore a huge burden on you two), I don't see how he could control what they spend the money they don't get from him on.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2012 11:13:22 GMT -5
Yes. Let me explain. While i am living and a functioning competent adult, i will choose to spend my money however i please. And, if they are adults it is simply NONE of their business. If i choose to give to buy one of my adult children something that is not the business of the other adult children. They need to butt out and i will likewise (try) to butt out of their financial choices as well. However, at the end of my life, when i die, whatever i have as an estate will be equally distributed. I'm sorry, but I still don't understand this. I agree adults of sound mind can give their money to whomever they please. But a concern mentioned here was that MIL might run out of money and need assistance in the future, and you feel the OP and her DH should be ready to help her. However, if she didn't give a huge sum to the DIL and pay more in taxes, then she wouldn't need help until years later. If she needs help because her assets are gone, then there will be nothing to inherit. The DIL is basically getting her inheritance early, and the son may get nothing, so he is essentially disinherited. I didn't say his mom should fritter away her money. I said that is her business to fritter it away and in all reality there isn't a thing he can do about anyway so what do you suggest as the solution? As for later years, she will have whatever she has. And, when my mom was widowed she started spending too much. I simply told her that she can do whatever she wants but when her money runs out the best i could do for her is live with me and she could sleep on a sleeper sofa. I guess the thought of that reigned in her senses. But, i would NOT bankrupt my own family in order to take care of her. But, my primary responsibility is to MY children. If she bankrupts herself and ends up a ward of the state, then that is the way it goes. An inheritance is what is left when a person dies. As for "spending the inheritance", a competent adult can spend however they wish. That isn't the same thing as disinheriting. I am not saying she is making good or wise choices. But, that there is simply out of their control and not their responsibility or business and they aren't likely to change her mind anyway. So, what then is the point of going through all the angst of something you cannot change anyway? Live and let live.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Jul 3, 2012 12:31:42 GMT -5
"My sister is a loser who lives with my parents and my niece and nephew. She has nothing but debt. She works FT but pays no rent. I have no idea what she does with her money. My mom favors her quite a bit. I just let most of it go and when mom complains to me about how my sister (32 yo) needs to get her own place, I just tell her I don't want to hear it. My dad tried to get me to take her in as they all live in a 2 BR house and I own a 4 BR that my girls and I live in. "
Oh I would love to hear that conversation. "Honey you sister and her kids are mooching off us and taking up space, will you please allow her to mooch off you a while?"
I have a looter sister who stopped working at 50 and lives off her DH's pension and SSI disability (for what we don't know). I decided long ago if she becomes dead broke and hits me up for money she's out of luck. If she was actually disabled I would probably pay her electric bill or grocery bill every now and then. But just because you don't like getting up and leaving for work in the winter when it's cold outside isn't a good enough reason to stop working.
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susanb
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Post by susanb on Jul 3, 2012 12:41:32 GMT -5
I still can't get past the list of your sins spelled out on the back of a coloring book. Did she do it in crayon? In my mind, she did it with a pink crayon in big scrawling first grade letters. That's so very bizzare. I'm trying to think in what circumstances I would ever sit down, make a list of another adult person's flaws (as I saw them) and then SHOW them to the other adult. Except for being completely shit faced drunk I can't imagine a situation when I might think this was a good thing to do. I don't understand what your SIL hoped to accomplish by that. I think your only option here is to isolate yourself from the drama. Ask your MIL and DH not to let you know anything more about SIL's lifestyle or financial misadventures. You can't change them, so it's better for you not to even know what's going on. At the same time I would have a discussion with DH about your family's financial goals, and how much he might consider giving to MIL or SIL if it came down to it. (Because you know, if MIL asked DH for money, she might turn around and give it directly to SIL). You already know SIL is a money pit who won't pay back loans, so I would want some kind of upper limit on the money giving to either the MIL or SIL. Perhaps your agreement is that MIL can come live with you, if it comes to that, rather than giving her cash, or perhaps you can work out what percentage of money your DH can set aside to give to MIL if she should need it (and I think you should be taking the same percentage and setting it aside for your purposes, too). Since you only see SIL a few times a year, I would practise being polite and kind - but distant. Don't engage the crazy. Never discuss finances with SIL or MIL - let DH deal with his relatives. And I think staying at a hotel is an excellent idea. Oh and don't dwell on MIL showering her money and attention on SIL at the expense of your DH. In some families, parents coddle the kids that are the most needy. No doubt your DH has always stood on his own two feet and handled all his own problems, while SIL has spent her lifetime crying on MIL's shoulder. MIL doesn't see what she's doing as favoring her daughter, she sees what she's doing as helping out the kid that needs the most help. Yes it isn't a good thing, it isn't ultimately helping SIL, but it's a very common dynamic between moms and daughters. This is really good advice, Happy and a really good way to look at MIL's motivation for treating her kids disparately. Concerning the list.....It was written in colored pencil. There had been a lot of tension between SIL and I after my wedding. A lot of family members were upset with her because she turned our rehearsal dinner into a one woman drama by misplacing her camcorder (which she later found) and then having a complete meltdown saying that it was just like her house burned down because when your house burns down, what do you care about? The pictures! I just ignored her and went about spending time with all of the people who had flown in to celebrate my wedding with me, but she was called out by her parents, brother and family friends. This had never happened to her before. No one confronts her because it just isn't worth it. So, to deflect her bad behavior, she started keeping track of all of the "horrible" things I did at my wedding and then told my DH that we needed to have a talk. I agreed to speak with her and went with DH to her hotel. When she asked to go to the parking lot instead of stay in the lobby, I had a bad gut feeling. I should have asked to stay in the lobby. It was large, full of semi-private seating areas and empty. But she couldn't have screamed, yelled and swore at me like she did in the parking lot. Her only complaint about me that was not about how I disappointed her fantasy of her, I mean our, wedding day was that I don't think she and her DH are good parents. She is right. I don't. That can't be easy for her. When I asked her what words or behaviors of mine led her to think that, she couldn't name one. I told her that I would try and change the behavior that offended her if she could identify it. At one point, probably 30 minutes in, I started to cry and she said "Come on, Susan. Give me a break." I told my husband that this had crossed the line and I needed to excuse myself. SIL said "If she leaves now, I will never take my kids home for the holidays again and it will be your fault." I should have left, but I came back and just took her nonsense. It took months to clean up this incident in my marriage. I was really upset with DH for watching me be yelled at and sworn at. DH finally called her and told her that she is not allowed to be verbally abusive towards me ever again. She didn't speak to him for two months. To this day, she has never apologized.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 3, 2012 12:43:56 GMT -5
that sounds awful. That was your wedding night?!
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jul 3, 2012 12:48:14 GMT -5
Susanb, you're a better person than I am. I would have knocked that bitch clear across the parking lot, then I would have left that family. For good. As in, filed for an annulment, citing cruelty as the cause. No way would I have stayed, knowing that monster was around.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 3, 2012 12:48:27 GMT -5
Your DH is damn lucky you are still married to him. I'd have filed for annulment right then and there if my new husband had stood by and let some c - - t talk to me like that. He must be something for you to put up with family like that and him with no spine. Was it after that that he lent his darling sister 10k that she never paid back?
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susanb
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Post by susanb on Jul 3, 2012 12:49:16 GMT -5
that sounds awful. That was your wedding night?! No, we had a great and drama free wedding. It was a couple of days after the wedding.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 3, 2012 12:49:33 GMT -5
I would go the other way. I would take her up on the offer to give you a downpayment. I would buy another rental, manage it, and put every dime from that rental into a separate account. And then, when MIL's money dries up I would sell the rental and use the profits and proceeds to support her. You are going to support her, so every dime you can keep her from giving your SIL is one more dime you won't have to come up with out of your own pocket later.
You might even consider making her a co-owner on the rental. That way she has the asset, etc.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 3, 2012 12:51:02 GMT -5
An asset to leave to her darling daughter? I don't think so.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 3, 2012 12:51:33 GMT -5
What was she doing hanging around your honeymoon?
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 3, 2012 13:01:02 GMT -5
An asset to leave to her darling daughter? I don't think so. Or sign over to her, leaving susan co-owning with the b!tch...
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 3, 2012 13:03:24 GMT -5
Geez, your SIL is nuttier than a fruitcake and MIL isn't much better if she continues to enable/favor her. Personally I'd tell DH if a single dime went to them we'd be divorcing. Then he'd be free to give them whatever money he sees fit. I understand wanting to help family but geez, all the help he should be giving his is a good therapist recommendation.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 3, 2012 13:06:25 GMT -5
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 3, 2012 13:11:18 GMT -5
Okay - so, no co-ownership. But, I'm just not in a position to imagine that I would hang my Mom out to dry - even if she had been an idiot.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 3, 2012 13:19:56 GMT -5
I think there would need to be a serious discussion of how to handle supporting her. I would be willing to consider paying her electric bill directly, buy groceries, pay the mortage but I would not agree to giving her any cash as long as SIL is around because odds are good the cash is going to go straight into SIL's hands and no way would I want to be supporting a crazy bitch.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Jul 3, 2012 13:20:11 GMT -5
Your SIL sounds like a pychopath. I would be avoiding her at all costs. I won't comment on your husband's behavior.
I would be extremly concerned about your husband's willingness to subsize your MIL and SIL's lifestyle in the future. Would you be able to do that comfortably and still reach the financial goals that you have as a couple?
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 3, 2012 13:20:27 GMT -5
Actually, it went down like this. Dad was bitching about my sister and her driving him nuts one day. I told him that he was enabling her and not to come crying to me. I informed him that at 30 yo (or there abouts at the time) that she was old enough to figure it out on her own and just to kick her out. He said "you know, a good sister would take her in..." And I replied "yeah, too bad she doesn't have one." We are the only 2 siblings, so since I'm not a "good sister", she doesn't have one.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2012 13:23:58 GMT -5
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jul 3, 2012 13:24:27 GMT -5
I don't see it as hanging Mom out to dry. Mom is doing that to herself by enabling an adult child who is married, no less, with a husband who cannot afford their lifestyle. Where the freak is his spine in all of this, I am wondering? How henpecked is this wimp, letting his wife scream at relatives like that and suck money from her own mother?
I'm not suggesting the OP's MIL should be consigned to live in the gutter when the money's gone. But let's face it: if she is of sound mind, it's her money. Presumably, she knows where it is, how to spend it and how much there is. And when it's gone, she'd better be ready to knock on her darling daughter's door and ask for assistance. The OP and her husband owe her zilch.
ETA: I noticed from the first post that the grandfather is also giving this chippy some money, too? Damn, she does know how to shake down the moneymaker, doesn't she?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 3, 2012 13:35:04 GMT -5
Concerning the list.....It was written in colored pencil. All I can think of is "All work and no play make Jack a dull boy"
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2012 13:40:48 GMT -5
Susanb, you're a better person than I am. I would have knocked that bitch clear across the parking lot, then I would have left that family. For good. As in, filed for an annulment, citing cruelty as the cause. No way would I have stayed, knowing that monster was around. x 1000
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Jul 3, 2012 13:44:36 GMT -5
Susanb, you're a better person than I am. I would have knocked that bitch clear across the parking lot, then I would have left that family. For good. As in, filed for an annulment, citing cruelty as the cause. No way would I have stayed, knowing that monster was around. x 1000 me as well. Peeps I have my own basketcase in my family. From experience, just ignore it all. Don't be sucked into their world.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 3, 2012 13:46:47 GMT -5
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 3, 2012 13:49:18 GMT -5
Probably both husbands were hoping the OP would do just that. Seems like neither one has a spine.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jul 3, 2012 13:59:13 GMT -5
I have a basketful of basketcases in my family. I cut them all off for good. If they showed up at my door, busted broke, they'd leave the same way. Every one of them did it to themselves, and when you do that, I'm done. If you run into misfortune, accident, illness or other hard times that are outside your control, that's one thing. But thowing money at a relative who is 1) living above their means to start with, 2) has the balls/cojones/chutzpah to list another relative's "sins" in a coloring book and 3) is apparently able-bodied but cannot seem to locate sufficient brain cells to get it together and work for what they want?
Nope, nope, nope. I'd do my damndest to avoid your ass. And make sure my money stayed my money.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Jul 3, 2012 14:17:39 GMT -5
I have a basketful of basketcases in my family. I cut them all off for good. If they showed up at my door, busted broke, they'd leave the same way. Every one of them did it to themselves, and when you do that, I'm done. If you run into misfortune, accident, illness or other hard times that are outside your control, that's one thing. But thowing money at a relative who is 1) living above their means to start with, 2) has the balls/cojones/chutzpah to list another relative's "sins" in a coloring book and 3) is apparently able-bodied but cannot seem to locate sufficient brain cells to get it together and work for what they want? Nope, nope, nope. I'd do my damndest to avoid your ass. And make sure my money stayed my money.
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