Jaguar
Administrator
Fear does not stop death. It stops life.
Joined: Dec 20, 2011 6:07:45 GMT -5
Posts: 50,108
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://cdn.nickpic.host/images/IZlZ65.jpg","color":""}
Mini-Profile Text Color: 290066
|
Post by Jaguar on Jul 3, 2012 14:17:59 GMT -5
going forward - avoid this wackadoodle like the plague. Talk the hotel option - and Mr. H. had better take it with you. 9 people and 1.5 bath - common! No excuse needed!
|
|
whoami
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jan 8, 2011 12:43:49 GMT -5
Posts: 1,292
|
Post by whoami on Jul 3, 2012 15:30:44 GMT -5
.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 23, 2024 22:40:03 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2012 15:32:36 GMT -5
Whether it is right or wrong or you don't like it or whatever, what real difference does it make? Why allow yourself to get caught up this kind of drama. You can be upset and annoyed if you want to but that isn't going to change a thing. I really prefer to not get myself embroilled in these kinds of messes. She is going to do what she wants to do. You SIL is going to do what she wants to do. Why allow people to cause so much angst? We have had some similar things in our family. I just simply choose not to get caught up in that sort of thing. I am an adult, i have my own money. If i would receive and inheritance, fine. If not, that is the way it goes. No amount of worrying on your part is going to make MIL save her money so what are you really accomplishing other than a knot in your stomach?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 23, 2024 22:40:03 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2012 16:03:27 GMT -5
Whether it is right or wrong or you don't like it or whatever, what real difference does it make? Why allow yourself to get caught up this kind of drama. You can be upset and annoyed if you want to but that isn't going to change a thing. I really prefer to not get myself embroilled in these kinds of messes. She is going to do what she wants to do. You SIL is going to do what she wants to do. Why allow people to cause so much angst? We have had some similar things in our family. I just simply choose not to get caught up in that sort of thing. I am an adult, i have my own money. If i would receive and inheritance, fine. If not, that is the way it goes. No amount of worrying on your part is going to make MIL save her money so what are you really accomplishing other than a knot in your stomach? It has nothing to do with an inheritance. It has to do with the fact that many years from now MIL will require help because she will have given all her money to SIL yet she will expect her son to help support her, thereby, he would have been supporting SIL all these years. And she has a right to worry about it as it's her financial future on the line too.
|
|
susanb
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jun 21, 2012 14:16:56 GMT -5
Posts: 1,430
|
Post by susanb on Jul 3, 2012 17:15:16 GMT -5
I have been in meetings all day, so couldn't respond, but thank you for all of the feedback.
A lot of people mentioned my DH watching me be verbally abused. I hear you. It was wrong. DH and SIL learned this behavior growing up, where they were verbally abused. DH has worked really hard on controlling himself. He doesn't verbally abuse people. We don't have an abusive relationship like his parents did. I commend him for breaking that cycle. It took even more work for him to understand that what his sister did was not okay and that he shouldn't have tolerated it. We went to therapy. He came to some hard understandings about his family and what he had thought was acceptable. DH is not spineless. He is a really good negotiatior who is very assertive normally. He just got caught up in a family dynamic that he has known all of his life.
All of the blame can't be placed on DH or SIL's shoulders though. Here is the thing about me. I clearly needed to learn about being more assertive or I wouldn't have let her treat me that way. I bear some responsibility as well. DH and I are in complete agreement that if his sister ever crosses the line again, I will immediately leave the room, and will not engage with her further no matter what threats she makes.
Some people said you wouldn't have tolerated what my SIL did or would have anulled the marraige. I believe you. You likely don't need to learn about being assertive like I do/did. You probably have other things to learn though. I think we are all works in progress and we all choose relationships that give us the opportunity to learn things, or we can get worse.
Finally, I am not worried about an inheritance. I, too, am an adult with my own money. As many have pointed out, what MIL does with her money has an impact on me since DH is willing to offer financial assistance to his family. I am going to talk to him over the fourth about what his parameters/boundaries are with that. I do need to learn to let some other aspects of this go. No doubt about it.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,384
|
Post by thyme4change on Jul 3, 2012 17:20:27 GMT -5
All the more reason to take what is offered now - so you can give it back later - hopefully, invested wisely, and worth more than what it is now.
|
|
susanb
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jun 21, 2012 14:16:56 GMT -5
Posts: 1,430
|
Post by susanb on Jul 3, 2012 17:24:01 GMT -5
All the more reason to take what is offered now - so you can give it back later - hopefully, invested wisely, and worth more than what it is now. You know, Thyme, I thought about your comments when I was driving back from my meeting. It is very logical, and I can see why you make the big bucks. I will definately bring it up to DH this when we talk about it over the 4th.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,865
|
Post by zibazinski on Jul 3, 2012 17:24:10 GMT -5
It kind of reminds me of people who shove wedding cake in each others face. I thought this awful thing had started with the breakdown of manners in our generation. Turns out people were doing it in the fifties as well. My aunt and uncles reception and cutting the cake ceremony was egged on with cries of him to do it with her. She flat out told him she would leave him right then and there. She would have and he knew it so there was no disrespect done to her. They have a great marriage, 55 years this August.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,865
|
Post by zibazinski on Jul 3, 2012 17:25:56 GMT -5
Her mantra is "Start as you mean to go on." she had a MIL from hell as well but MIL was not allowed to interfere with their marriage no matter how hard she tried. And, believe me, she tried.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,384
|
Post by thyme4change on Jul 3, 2012 17:29:38 GMT -5
I'll be honest with you. I'm saying it as a person coming from a very functional family, and I married into a pretty functional family. (At least in the normal range.) Everyone is fairly prudent with their money, and we don't have any of this kind of drama - so I wouldn't think twice about being there for my Mom or my MIL should money troubles arise.
That said, I'm not sure the best thing for YOU to do is to get all tangled up in the mess. It makes sense, if your husband is most definitely going to support Mom and/or SIL later. But, there will be fall-out. You know your SIL is going to freak the deak out when she hears that you and your husband took the money. She will have some twisted logic on why it is okay for HER Mom to giver HER money, but not for HER mom to give your husband money. It won't make any sense - so let's not pretend that I can make the ranting argument that she will make. That money comes with strings - messy, thick, horrible stings. And they will all be wrapped around your neck. So, be very, very careful about how you manage the situation. One wrong turn and you will hang yourself.
|
|
susanb
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jun 21, 2012 14:16:56 GMT -5
Posts: 1,430
|
Post by susanb on Jul 3, 2012 17:56:59 GMT -5
Yes, the taxes are another reason this was just not financially sound. They are also another reason I don't really want to take her money. It just doesn't make sense to be tapping retirement account for unnecessary purchases given the tax consequences.
Thyme, I am really glad you brought up the strings. I didn't think about the dynamic of having a house/relationship where my mother had paid for the down payment. My Mom is great, but I don't think that would be very good for my self esteem or our relationship. That helped me have more empathy for them both, so thank you.
|
|
susanb
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jun 21, 2012 14:16:56 GMT -5
Posts: 1,430
|
Post by susanb on Jul 3, 2012 18:24:55 GMT -5
The most compelling argument DH made to his mother was that she is taking decades and decades of hard work and sacrifice on her part AND his grandfather's part and frittering them away on indulgences that are not sustainable. He said that it is an insult to all of the frugality, hard work and sacrifice or his grandfather. MIL said that DH's grandfather wants SIL's nice family to have nice things. The problem is that MIL has power of attorney because granfather doesn't even want to make financial decisions beyone the $50 cash he carries. I don't see how they can say on the one hand that he can't even pay his own bills (which is true) and on the other he can be responsible for major financial decisions to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 23, 2024 22:40:03 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2012 19:05:56 GMT -5
Whether it is right or wrong or you don't like it or whatever, what real difference does it make? Why allow yourself to get caught up this kind of drama. You can be upset and annoyed if you want to but that isn't going to change a thing. I really prefer to not get myself embroilled in these kinds of messes. She is going to do what she wants to do. You SIL is going to do what she wants to do. Why allow people to cause so much angst? We have had some similar things in our family. I just simply choose not to get caught up in that sort of thing. I am an adult, i have my own money. If i would receive and inheritance, fine. If not, that is the way it goes. No amount of worrying on your part is going to make MIL save her money so what are you really accomplishing other than a knot in your stomach? It has nothing to do with an inheritance. It has to do with the fact that many years from now MIL will require help because she will have given all her money to SIL yet she will expect her son to help support her, thereby, he would have been supporting SIL all these years. And she has a right to worry about it as it's her financial future on the line too. But, my point is what is the OP going to do about it anyway? Spend years worrying over something she can't control? As for my mom, she had a period after my dad died when she was overspending. I told her that if she ran out of money, i could do xyz and no more and after that she would have to become a ward of the state. I will not bankrupt my own children's future. And, i was very careful to not comingle our finances in any way. You are not responsible for your parent's irresponsibility. My primary fiduciary duty is to my children. Do not comingle financial obligations in any way, especially now that you know she is frittering away money.
|
|
susanb
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jun 21, 2012 14:16:56 GMT -5
Posts: 1,430
|
Post by susanb on Jul 3, 2012 19:11:14 GMT -5
If you have power of attorney over an elderly relatives finances, DO NOT EVER transfer any of that money to another relative. You are legally bound by the laws of your state as to what happens with their money. Do not co-mingle their money, and your money. Some day, the state may come in, and demand an accounting of how the money was spent. If you can't provide receipts to show it was spent in their best interest, you'll be up sewer creek. Good to know. We have never taken a dime of his money other than the $30 birthday checks he sends . I stayed with him for a few weeks after a surgery once and made some minor adjustments to his house based on the phyical therapists recomendations, but didn't arrange for payment. MIL may well end up sewer creek because DH's grandfather has given SIL money while MIL was power of attorney. A lot of money. Grandfather has two children, MIL and a son, who has two children of his own. MIL's brother may ask for an accounting as well. I know he would not approve of SIL getting cash from his father.
|
|
8 Bit WWBG
Administrator
Your Money admin
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 8:57:29 GMT -5
Posts: 9,322
Today's Mood: Mega
|
Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jul 3, 2012 19:57:20 GMT -5
...:::"She flat out told him she would leave him right then and there. She would have and he knew it so there was no disrespect done to her.":::...
Hahaha, our pre-wedding discussions included an exchange of "there must/there must not" and cake smashing was on my "must not" list. I reminded her that the groom is the one with the best grip on the knife. I was 75% joking.
ETA: I'm telling this story because hyperbole regarding physical violence seems to be a page 3 theme.
I seriously wondered whether, if DW did cake smash me, I'd react the way I joked. Would I REALLY want to slash at her in front of all those witnesses? Would it be advisable to have a breakdown? Or would I just "return the favor later"?
I don't know how invested she was in cake smashing. I think she saw it was important to me not to do that to me.
|
|
8 Bit WWBG
Administrator
Your Money admin
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 8:57:29 GMT -5
Posts: 9,322
Today's Mood: Mega
|
Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jul 3, 2012 20:06:47 GMT -5
To the OP: your posts in this, and other threads, show you are a forward thinking individual with concern for how actions today affect options tomorrow.
You have a very solid point that your MIL's choices today may make it impossible for her to support herself tomorrow. It is very reasonable for you to be worried that your DH's desire to support his mother will cause conflict. From what you've described so far, it sounds like he has set (or will enforce) at least SOME boundaries.
Only you can know if you have to "object on the record" now, or if you can wait to have that fight.
As an aside, it sad when an irresponsible person is born into a "we help those in need" family.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,865
|
Post by zibazinski on Jul 3, 2012 21:16:02 GMT -5
I can't imagine anything more insulting than to smash wedding cake in someone's face. That's more than sad.
|
|
TheOtherMe
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 14:40:52 GMT -5
Posts: 27,148
Mini-Profile Name Color: e619e6
|
Post by TheOtherMe on Jul 3, 2012 22:13:39 GMT -5
If you have power of attorney over an elderly relatives finances, DO NOT EVER transfer any of that money to another relative. You are legally bound by the laws of your state as to what happens with their money. Do not co-mingle their money, and your money. Some day, the state may come in, and demand an accounting of how the money was spent. If you can't provide receipts to show it was spent in their best interest, you'll be up sewer creek. In the state where I live, transferring money for any reason besides taking care of their needs is considered elder abuse. It's also a felony. I'd also suggest staying at a hotel for the sanity of everyone involved. The house is too small for that many people and there is too much tension.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 23, 2024 22:40:03 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2012 2:21:50 GMT -5
We also had a "no smashing cake in the face" rule at our wedding. I find it extremely tacky and I wanted no part of it.
|
|
happyhoix
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Oct 7, 2011 7:22:42 GMT -5
Posts: 20,873
|
Post by happyhoix on Jul 5, 2012 12:19:48 GMT -5
"Concerning the list.....It was written in colored pencil. "
Written in colored pencil on a sheet torn from a coloring book - OMG that's just too funny for words.
Every year, for my Christmas card to her, I would seriously be tempted to color in a coloring book page (don't bother staying in the lines) and mail her that, with "Hapy Xmas" in crayon. It would confuse her to no end, and yet wouldn't really be insulting on your part. She probably would never figure out why you were doing that. If she ever mentioned your cards to you, you could say very sweetly that you wanted to give her something homemade.
It would drive her frickin' crazy. I love it. But then I'm evil.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,384
|
Post by thyme4change on Jul 5, 2012 12:30:15 GMT -5
I understand the nature of it - it is suppose to be playful and amusing. It is suppose to show a casual bantering and make people laugh in the way that we always laugh when Dick van Dyke falls over the ottoman. However, I got so terribly bored of it. Every wedding - smash cake. Next wedding, smash cake. Next wedding, smash cake. It was more scripted that playful. So, when our wedding came around, everyone expected us to do it - we are that type of couple - so we didn't.
One wedding, the bride and groom smashed the cake in the MOH and Best Man's face. Unfortunately, I was the maid of honor.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 23, 2024 22:40:03 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2012 12:32:02 GMT -5
I understand the nature of it - it is suppose to be playful and amusing. It is suppose to show a casual bantering and make people laugh in the way that we always laugh when Dick van lesbian falls over the ottoman. However, I got so terribly bored of it. Every wedding - smash cake. Next wedding, smash cake. Next wedding, smash cake. It was more scripted that playful. So, when our wedding came around, everyone expected us to do it - we are that type of couple - so we didn't. One wedding, the bride and groom smashed the cake in the MOH and Best Man's face. Unfortunately, I was the maid of honor.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,384
|
Post by thyme4change on Jul 5, 2012 12:32:43 GMT -5
LOL - I swear, I wrote his name as it appears in the credits.
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,716
|
Post by raeoflyte on Jul 5, 2012 14:30:39 GMT -5
I understand the nature of it - it is suppose to be playful and amusing. It is suppose to show a casual bantering and make people laugh in the way that we always laugh when Dick van lesbian falls over the ottoman. However, I got so terribly bored of it. Every wedding - smash cake. Next wedding, smash cake. Next wedding, smash cake. It was more scripted that playful. So, when our wedding came around, everyone expected us to do it - we are that type of couple - so we didn't. One wedding, the bride and groom smashed the cake in the MOH and Best Man's face. Unfortunately, I was the maid of honor. I so needed the laugh! Thank you ProBoards autocorrect!
|
|