I feel like I just got the wind knocked out of me

[Jaguar]

Jul 1, 2012 11:40:18 GMT -5 Formerly SK said:

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this....

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michaelanglo David. The gondola in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands, the stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland".

"HOLLAND?" you say "What do you mean Holland? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine, and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for awhile and you catch your breath, you look around and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills. Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandt's.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And the rest of your life, you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.

webpages.ursinus.edu/bestbuddies/page2.html

That is a stunning and beautiful piece of writing. Namaste

[twinmama85]

skinnykids thanks, that was really nice what you wrote...I am not sure, but he mostly seems "normal" to me...except for his obsession with circles and how he constantly has to be doing something. I think he is more on the Aspergers side of the spectrum, however, we still have appts to get to before we can fully diagnosis whats going on. I love my lil man, he is awesome and he is incredibly smart, both of my twins are. I know him being preemie & a twin plays a big role in one of them developing autism. We also think my dad has it but has grown mostly "normal"...i know back in the day when he was a kid, they didnt have a name for this so no one really knew. but my little men are my life and i know its a bit harder on DH than it is on me, maybe cause i am mom, but i know we will get through this.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Twin. Lots of hugs and e-support from us.

[mizbear]

twin- You hit the nail on the head. He is your child and he will always be "normal" to you because his normal will always be different from someone else's. All you have to do is do your best to love him and provide for him.

I don't have Asperger's or autism, I have different disabilities, but nothing takes the place of the love and support of a family. If you and your husband can work it out- great. If you can't, as long as you keep your kids at the forefront of things, your kids will succeed to the best of their abilities.

[dakota4600]

Twinmom- Hugs. Here is a blog that a person I know writes about having a child with special needs. She isn't posting much this summer, but take a look at the archive and her blog roll for some other blogs on the subject. I believe her daughter was diagnosed with high functioning autism. She is pretty mainstreamed now. Anyway hugs to you again. thesimplelifekdl.blogspot.com

[redwagon]

twinmama - hugs. As crazy as things are for you right now, you seem like you are on the path to a game plan, which helps a lot. You are one strong mama!

And blog.mommyrotten.com has some good entries about her son with ADHD and adjusting to that. Not autism, but her honesty and sassy style are really refreshing. You might enjoy her perspective.

[twinmama85]

Thanks!! mom is doing better, she has ketoacidosis and ended up in the hospital for 2 days but shes home now getting better. Marriage is getting stronger, we are working on things. He is on a man trip right now with a bunch of guys in palm springs, ca, golfing lol. Boys are doing great, still trying to find a caregiver for my son but my 14 year old sister in law came up to help us out.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Glad things are better for you. You'll find a caregiver for your son. Hugs and prayers for you.

[taz157]

Jul 9, 2012 10:19:51 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

Glad things are better for you. You'll find a caregiver for your son. Hugs and prayers for you.

[moosmommy]

twinmama - Hugs for you. Having a child diagnosed with any disability is a hard blow. My oldest son is moderately to severely autistic. I always try to remember that it could always be worse. He was diagnosed when he was 18 months old. I took him to have his first MRI done when he was two. While we were sitting in the waiting room there was a couple with a baby girl that was born with half of her brain missing. So that was the moment that I realized how much worse. He was normal for me. He was my first child that I had when I was 16 he is 13 now. Just remember it does get better.

[twinmama85]

Jul 9, 2012 13:06:02 GMT -5 moosmommy said:

twinmama - Hugs for you. Having a child diagnosed with any disability is a hard blow. My oldest son is moderately to severely autistic. I always try to remember that it could always be worse. He was diagnosed when he was 18 months old. I took him to have his first MRI done when he was two. While we were sitting in the waiting room there was a couple with a baby girl that was born with half of her brain missing. So that was the moment that I realized how much worse. He was normal for me. He was my first child that I had when I was 16 he is 13 now. Just remember it does get better.

Oh my goodness...i couldn't imagine what that family had to go through with that baby... I think the scariest thing we have gone through as a family is when my other son declined in the NICU. It was really hard to see him struggle so much as a 2 day old preemie. But he is thriving now and is doing so wonderful <3

[zibazinski]

I only know of one marriage that survived an autistic son and the husband works a hundred hours a week so makes sure he is never home. She handles everything but, at least, has a paycheck and can stay home to do so. Frankly, that man is a pig. She had 5 more children after that boy trying to give him a NORMAL son but they were all girls. Now that KARMA for you! But he tells people he has 6 kids and never counts that boy among them. Their first girl was also normal. Cling tightly to your marriage and your husband. Spend time with your husband away from your kids. Even parents with normal children need to do this.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Jul 10, 2012 7:39:12 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Cling tightly to your marriage and your husband. Spend time with your husband away from your kids. Even parents with normal children need to do this.

hell to the yes on this. DH and I just had our weekend alone and it was wonderful, even though the heat and humidity was up there.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Any updates Twin?

[twinmama85]

*sigh* right now it is not good...he is more less having a mid-life crisis at the age of 27. He told me the other day he can't get the feelings back, although he has only gone to see the chaplain 3 times with me and has yet to see a counselor. But yesterday, he said that he feels useless and just needs to get out on his own because he feels he hasn't accomplished anything in his life. When I asked if this is a separation or divorce, he says to not back him into a corner. Its all so confusing, I feel like he is a roommate in my home. I am still extremely sure there is no one else because he is either here or at work and he is not at work often. He is still in this house, I can't really kick him out because I am in the military and things start to get hairy and I really don't want to pay him spousal support, I feel like I shouldn't have to because I am not the one throwing this marriage away, he is. He saw the changes in me as a wife so now he has no grounds for divorce, he just won't man up and move on with life.

Because I am a Christian woman and under the guidance of my chaplain, at least until I talk to him tomorrow, I am still being a good wife. If I try to show him affection by touch and he says no, I don't question it and I back off. But I am still wearing my wedding ring because in my eyes and in God's I am still his wife and until he makes up his mind or I get different guidance, I am going to keep being a good wife, not for his benefit, but because I feel and the chaplain said this as well, I feel that I should do this to serve God, no my DH. But I am not going to lie, this is probably one of the hardest things I ever had to endure, next to my son's being born early and in the NICU.

[taz157]

twin - I'm sorry you are going through this. I have no words of wisdom, I just wanted to offer you virtual ((((hugs))))).

[twinmama85]

Thank you taz, I am trying so hard to keep my head up and to humble myself through all of this.

[Deleted]

[Tired Tess]

Sending prayers out to you for a peaceful resolution.

[Deleted]

twin - I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Keep praying for guidance and listen to Godly counsel. It can get very overwhelming when everyone tries to give you advice, but you need to do what you believe is right and try to keep a perspective. Unfortunately, i see far too many people where one spouse throws away the marriage. You can only do what you can do. Just keep your head up and keep moving forward.

[NastyWoman]

Twin, I am so, so sorry that you have to go through this. I am going to repeat myself though: please take care of yourself. I really hope that things will turn around with your marriage, but if they don't YOU will be the only person you will have to rely on. You need to start looking out for you, so that if worse comes to worse you will know deep down that you can do it.

[twinmama85]

Aug 5, 2012 17:45:29 GMT -5 @lonewolf said:

Twin. I was hoping that by the time I caught up with this thread that things would have improved.
Curious as to how healthy your husband is. Does he seem to have energy and love for the other things in his life?

He is very guarded but he says hes depressed and really infuriated with his work situation. I really think it boils down to he wants to be out on his own, to prove that he can do it without anybody's help. But if he attempts to come back, it may be too late, I don't really know My only fear is that he is done with me but doesn't produce divorce papers. I really do not want to be the one that does it because I am not the one wanting to throw me away, he is. He also keeps saying stupid crap like, "oh, the boys are really young so they don't understand, so they will be OK." oh ok, sure ,and you won't have to be the one that has to explain to them when they ask why daddy isn't tucking them in at night

[swamp]

Aug 5, 2012 20:02:44 GMT -5 twinmama85 said:

Aug 5, 2012 17:45:29 GMT -5 @lonewolf said:

Twin. I was hoping that by the time I caught up with this thread that things would have improved.
Curious as to how healthy your husband is. Does he seem to have energy and love for the other things in his life?

He is very guarded but he says hes depressed and really infuriated with his work situation. I really think it boils down to he wants to be out on his own, to prove that he can do it without anybody's help. But if he attempts to come back, it may be too late, I don't really know My only fear is that he is done with me but doesn't produce divorce papers. I really do not want to be the one that does it because I am not the one wanting to throw me away, he is. He also keeps saying stupid crap like, "oh, the boys are really young so they don't understand, so they will be OK." oh ok, sure ,and you won't have to be the one that has to explain to them when they ask why daddy isn't tucking them in at night :'(

He's being a complete douche. He needs to stand up, be a man, and make a decision. He's got the best of both worlds right now. It's time for him to shit or get off the pot.

[Jaguar]

So sorry twinmama, I really hope it works out for you & your boys.

[Jaguar]

Aug 5, 2012 20:12:59 GMT -5 swamp said:

Aug 5, 2012 20:02:44 GMT -5 twinmama85 said:

He is very guarded but he says hes depressed and really infuriated with his work situation. I really think it boils down to he wants to be out on his own, to prove that he can do it without anybody's help. But if he attempts to come back, it may be too late, I don't really know My only fear is that he is done with me but doesn't produce divorce papers. I really do not want to be the one that does it because I am not the one wanting to throw me away, he is. He also keeps saying stupid crap like, "oh, the boys are really young so they don't understand, so they will be OK." oh ok, sure ,and you won't have to be the one that has to explain to them when they ask why daddy isn't tucking them in at night :'(

He's being a complete douche. He needs to stand up, be a man, and make a decision. He's got the best of both worlds right now. It's time for him to shit or get off the pot.

~ It sounds like you got a really selfish third son. Twin you need a husband, not a third son. Tell junior to get lost, you need a man not a boy.

[Opti]

Sorry to hear about recent developments. I would tell him that unless you stay together the kids will hold it against him that he left when they were young. He can tell himself it doesn't matter now and it won't matter in the future but it is not true.

Honestly I don't get why living on his own is any great accomplishment and how it would improve his life or his work. Accomplishments IMO can be over-rated. Being a good person and doing the best you can is in the reach of everyone and not enough people attempt it. Given how he's acting I do lean to the thought he has someone he wants to be more involved with. The other possibility is he is in the beginning stages of a clinical depression and he doesn't know it.

Good luck with your plans and I hope wherever this all ends up you are at peace with it.

[Deleted]

Aug 5, 2012 20:12:59 GMT -5 swamp said:

Aug 5, 2012 20:02:44 GMT -5 twinmama85 said:

He is very guarded but he says hes depressed and really infuriated with his work situation. I really think it boils down to he wants to be out on his own, to prove that he can do it without anybody's help. But if he attempts to come back, it may be too late, I don't really know My only fear is that he is done with me but doesn't produce divorce papers. I really do not want to be the one that does it because I am not the one wanting to throw me away, he is. He also keeps saying stupid crap like, "oh, the boys are really young so they don't understand, so they will be OK." oh ok, sure ,and you won't have to be the one that has to explain to them when they ask why daddy isn't tucking them in at night :'(

He's being a complete douche. He needs to stand up, be a man, and make a decision. He's got the best of both worlds right now. It's time for him to shit or get off the pot.

I agree with Swamp. And, he should be more interested in proving he can "make it" as a husband and father than making it "on his own". As for you, you do not have to sit idly by while he tries to figure out what to do with his life while stringing you along. You have a right to decide what YOU want as well. And, i assume you want a spouse who is "all in" or all out. I would not enable or help in "find himself" but instead would show him the door and separate. That does not mean tossing away yoru marriage but in the long run, i think that by taking a stand, that you will have the potential to save your marriage. If you just take a "wait and see" approach while he selfishly does only what he wants without regard for you and the kids, then it is more likely he will check out of the marriage. I would also recommend that you seek some counseling as well.

[raeoflyte]

I'm so sorry to hear the recent developments.

Can you clarify what you mean when you say that you feel that you need to still be a 'good wife' to him? If he's treating you like a roommate (and is communicating that is all he's capable of-- which he is) then you don't owe him anymore than that, and depending on what you mean I would be very very concerned that you are being counseled to give more.

[Peace Of Mind]

I have to agree with MM and others unless you are getting some benefit from him staying there with you - kick his ass out! You've been more than patient and understanding. I also agree with Sug that you now have 3 kids - but one is a teenager. You are too young to have a child that age.

Twin - I'm really sorry you are going through this but don't let him take you down because he can't deal. (((Hugs))) & You need something stronger to deal with this turn of events. It's now time to do what is best for you and the twins. Hang in there, sweetie.

[seriousthistime]

Twinmama, I have to agree with some of the previous posts and disagree with some others. Every marriage is different, every family situation is different, and I don't know what complications the military would add to this.

In my case, my kids were older: two in college, one about to start. Things were very stressful for my STBX at his work. I was understanding and supportive, or at least tried to be. After the tumultuous "I need a break from all this stress" to "there's someone else" to "I want to be with you" to "I want to be with her" to "I'm not sure what I want to do" to "family means everything to me" to "sure, it'll hurt the kids; they'll get over it" and all of that back and forth BS over Thanksgiving and Christmas while I wanted to seriously kick his ass (and actually did have the chance to literally do it multiple times and if his uglies got in the way so much the better, but I took the high road) I realized that there's no one-size-fits-all response to this. You have to do what you can live with, now and in the future. If it means giving him every opportunity under the sun to make a decision to recommit, do that (especially if your faith motivates you to do so). If it means giving him reasonable time to figure out what he's doing, then do that. If it means kicking him out now because no one gets to treat you that way, then do that. But you are going to live with your decision -- not anyone here giving you advice, not his family and friends, or your family and friends. Just you.

And if he leaves, his relationship with the kids will be what he chooses to make it. During the marriage, my XH never understood that whatever relationship he had with the kids was the result of my facilitating that relationship. He was never really engaged as a parent. After we separated, I stopped facilitating their relationship with each other. He now has a Christmas-card and wedding-invitation relationship with them. It's sad, but it is what he chose on some level. They are all adults now and he was an adult long before they were. He had the chance to help define what their relationship would be post-divorce. He dropped the ball. His choice. There's only so much you can do to save an adult from his poor choices. But where you draw the line is up to you. Take care of yourself.