Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 7, 2012 8:36:55 GMT -5
Twin, I'm sorry. I was hoping things were going better. I have no advice, just hugs and prayers to help you have the strength you need to do whatever is best for you and your boys.
I'm not sure I could stay in your situation, but its' your needs that should be considered.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2012 9:03:35 GMT -5
I'm one of the ones that chose (a few times) to get out of relationships that weren't working for me. I am incredibly happy with that decision. I have a couple of friends that have stuck it out through situations I would not even consider tolerating. They are incredibly happy with their decision. One thing I can tell you for sure, don't issue an ultimatum that you would hate to follow through with. The chances of anything you do really changing him are extremely slim so make sure you are making choices based on what you want to do regardless of how he responds.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 7, 2012 9:08:48 GMT -5
I'm one of the ones that chose (a few times) to get out of relationships that weren't working for me. I am incredibly happy with that decision. I have a couple of friends that have stuck it out through situations I would not even consider tolerating. They are incredibly happy with their decision. One thing I can tell you for sure, don't issue an ultimatum that you would hate to follow through with. The chances of anything you do really changing him are extremely slim so make sure you are making choices based on what you want to do regardless of how he responds. Actually, that's good childrearing advice too - don't give an ultimatum that you're not willing to follow though on. Twin, I hope you can be happy with yourself. Happiness is internal, you can't make someone else happy. So focus on yourself and your boys and be happy (or try to, I realize it's easier said than done, says the mom on happy pills...)
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oreo
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Post by oreo on Aug 7, 2012 16:59:35 GMT -5
I wish I had the magic words to help you. Just remember that you have a voice too and you need to really think about what is best for you and your children.
I wish you the very best of luck and hope that something really good will come out of this difficult time.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Aug 7, 2012 17:11:37 GMT -5
I wish I had the magic words to help you. Just remember that you have a voice too and you need to really think about what is best for you and your children. I wish you the very best of luck and hope that something really good will come out of this difficult time.
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twinmama85
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Post by twinmama85 on Aug 7, 2012 19:38:40 GMT -5
After talking with the chaplain today, I am not on a "friendship" basis with my husband. No, there is no one else, I can guarantee that but from what I told the chaplain, we both think he is a broken man and needs to "rediscover" himself in his own way. I have also backed off quite a bit and I will let him be the one to end this, why should I give him the satisfaction of me ending it? If it makes him feel guilty about divorcing me, than good, let him feel guilty, but me pushing his hand gives him an easy out. I am happy with myself and all the prayer I have been in...I give him space, I don't bug him anymore about "us" When we talked yesterday, he said the best thing I could do is just give him space and not push him either direction, so that's what I am doing...to be honest with you all, I am getting worried about him, he will put a smile on his face and make jokes here and there, but as far as I know, he isn't talking to anyone, so his feelings are bottling up. He has a real passion for golf but he has not been practicing like he usually does or play. When he comes home, he just watches the NFL network or plays video games or goes to sleep. I know he said he had a depressed feeling inside, if its about being with me or not, I don't really know. What I know is right now my decision is to bear this heavy burden that has been placed upon my shoulders until we reconcile or til a divorce. I am not going to end my marriage for no reason and I have told him that there won't be another in this house or bed plus I will wear my rings, unless he files. He understood and agreed, so all I can do is trust him. If I catch wind of him being with another, at that point I will file for divorce and request full custody of the boys. All I can ask from you guys is prayers for me and especially my husband. I know you guys are angry at him for how he is being to his family, but I REALLY think he needs the prayers for guidance in his path of recovery. I will keep you all posted about whats going on with the crazy Miranda's. I will wait and if he chooses to divorce me, than I will let him go. On a plus side, I will be going to the Catalina Islands in 2 weeks, without him or the boys so I can recharge and focus. If he wants to play single dad, then I want to give him a taste of his own medicine and see how it is to be alone with the boys, in this house, with no help. I am going to request he not call or text me unless its an emergency with the boys and I will not be calling home, because this is time for me, that I need.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Aug 7, 2012 19:50:20 GMT -5
twin - It sounds like you have a great plan lined up and I'm sending prayers your way for you, your DH, and your boys. FWIW, I do like the plan that you have as you are the one that has live with your decisions, not anyone else here as we aren't in your shoes. You know what you and the boys need better than anyone here. Also, enjoy your time in Catalina Islands 2 weeks from now. How long are you staying? Going with friends? Going by yourself? Either way, have a great time and enjoy your recharging time.
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twinmama85
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Post by twinmama85 on Aug 7, 2012 20:00:15 GMT -5
I am going from the 19-21st during the week, he is going to keep the boys and I will be able to be off the mainland of the US and just try to find myself again. I have realized from a lot of this that I was not a very good wife the last 3 years and didn't treat him right, coulpled that with the fact that he has poor sense of self and is feeling useless as he told me, it would not be good for him for me to just give up. But if he decides he wants completely out of this marriage, well, I guess I have to let him go and the chaplain said the same thing, if he divorces you, then let him go, don't contest it.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Aug 7, 2012 20:16:50 GMT -5
Really Big Hugs for everyone ~
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Aug 7, 2012 20:22:50 GMT -5
Good luck Twin. If he's as adrift as you and the Chaplin feel what is he doing to improve that? Does your church have a men's group he can attend? Is he doing any counseling individual or even support group instead of just hoping things will improve?
If he's depressed because of work or because of expectations he hasn't met for his life it probably won't magically get better if he just keeps doing what he has been. Life rarely unfolds as we wish. When it doesn't its often time to get a new script and be open to new points of view. While it sounds like you have a plan for you I really think please leave me alone is not a great plan for your hubby who has shown he didn't know how to say something before it got really really bad for him. Good wishes your way, praying for a path for your hubby to peace and/or happiness.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 8, 2012 9:36:16 GMT -5
You're in my prayers twin.
And have a wonderful time away. I know getting away can be SO helpful in recharging.
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murphath
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Post by murphath on Aug 8, 2012 11:22:18 GMT -5
Strength is an interesting thing. I've found that most men have a need to feel they are the strong one or the one in control, even though most can revert to being little boys pretty quickly. If things are not going well in one area of their life, the strength they have in another may pull them through. But if they feel weak, or useless (as Twin put it) in all areas of their life, then that's where the depression can set in quickly. Like you, Twin, I pretty much ran the household because DH was so consumed with running the restaurant. When the last recession hit (are we out of it, yet???), business really took a nosedive. So, after 30 some years in business, he closed the doors. He wasn't a failure as the biz had been doing fine for so many years, but he felt like it. I tried to be supportive but after a few months of this funk, I must admit that I lost it. I sat him down and told him he needed to do something--he couldn't just sit around watching NCIS re-runs. I even found the job he eventually applied for and got, which led to even better jobs. He is a changed man and LOVES being a worker bee for various caterers.
The point is this: your DH needs to recognize his depression and find some way to take charge again. I sincerely hope he can find this within himself. Maybe he just needs to change his career path. If he loves golf, perhaps he should teach golf full time, coach the local high school team, get involved in youth golf. He might not earn much $ but that's okay. Twinmama seems to love her career and no one says the guy has to be the primary breadwinner. Maybe just doing what he loves, and with Twinmama's support in this no matter the monetary hit, he will open his eyes.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 8, 2012 11:39:57 GMT -5
murph, I think he's already a golf instructor. Not to knock your advice, but I got the impression he's already doing what he loves.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Aug 8, 2012 12:10:03 GMT -5
Twim, I have a question about something you said and maybe I don't understand your careers/living situation.
I thought you said you were in the military and lived on base in the base housing. I thought you were in the military but is your DH also?
I ask this because of the people I knew in the active military I don't remember any couples living on base in which the woman was enlisted but the man was a civilian. As the trailing spouse in a relationship I know it is hard to find good employment since most employers realize that they are only going to be living there for a short while. My experience has also been that military bases/life style can be a pretty testosterone filled environment. Is it possible he feels emasculated by being in that environment where all the men take charge and fight for everyone else and he feels relegated to being mister mom?
I know this is tough and I don't want to add to your stress but I had been thinking about this and I thought maybe it might help at least a little. I hope you are feeling at least a little better today!
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redwagon
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Post by redwagon on Aug 8, 2012 14:10:26 GMT -5
Twinmama - first of all, have a great, much-deserved vacation. That sounds like just what YOU need right now. Second, it really sounds like DH might need counseling for his depression. I hope he's able to sort through things...
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murphath
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Post by murphath on Aug 8, 2012 17:29:14 GMT -5
wisconsinbeth wrote: murph, I think he's already a golf instructor. Not to knock your advice, but I got the impression he's already doing what he loves.
From her posts it seems he gives lessons on the side to make some extra money. Don't think she's ever said what his day job is--but I could be wrong.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Aug 9, 2012 16:34:37 GMT -5
HUGS!!!!
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Aug 9, 2012 16:37:35 GMT -5
I am going from the 19-21st during the week, he is going to keep the boys and I will be able to be off the mainland of the US and just try to find myself again. I have realized from a lot of this that I was not a very good wife the last 3 years and didn't treat him right, coulpled that with the fact that he has poor sense of self and is feeling useless as he told me, it would not be good for him for me to just give up. But if he decides he wants completely out of this marriage, well, I guess I have to let him go and the chaplain said the same thing, if he divorces you, then let him go, don't contest it. I think that will be great that you can get away from it all. He sounds depressed. I can see why you may be worried. Prayers and warm thoughts that your family is able to work everything out where everybody will be happy again. And
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 10, 2012 8:25:34 GMT -5
wisconsinbeth wrote: murph, I think he's already a golf instructor. Not to knock your advice, but I got the impression he's already doing what he loves. From her posts it seems he gives lessons on the side to make some extra money. Don't think she's ever said what his day job is--but I could be wrong. I could be wrong. I'm lazy and I'm not going back to read the old posts today.
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murphath
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Post by murphath on Aug 10, 2012 11:29:47 GMT -5
I know the feeling!
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twinmama85
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Post by twinmama85 on Aug 23, 2012 21:00:05 GMT -5
Hey guys...DH is moving out of the house sometime soon..he got a job in Bakersfield, which is about 180 miles away from us and will have Mon & Tues off and I just don't know when hes gonna have time to see the kids, its not my problem, its his, but I have to be the one to tell the boys why daddy isn't coming home and I just don't know how to explain that to 3 year old boys Every day is a challenge for me and all I do is stay in constant prayer and maintain faith that God will get me through these trials I am facing. On top of the DH leaving and my son having autism, I had an odd mole removed for biopsy and now have been experiencing severe back pain, probably stress related but I don't know..All I know is that I will be okay but I still have to go through the process
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Aug 23, 2012 21:03:24 GMT -5
((((hugs))))) your way twin.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Aug 23, 2012 21:10:09 GMT -5
BIG BIG BIG hugs to you Twin . Yes it absolutely will all work out the way it's supposed to, but sometimes it just sucks while you're working on getting there. Hang in - love and prayers coming your way
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Post by jarhead1976 on Aug 23, 2012 21:18:40 GMT -5
I am going from the 19-21st during the week, he is going to keep the boys and I will be able to be off the mainland of the US and just try to find myself again. I have realized from a lot of this that I was not a very good wife the last 3 years and didn't treat him right, coulpled that with the fact that he has poor sense of self and is feeling useless as he told me, it would not be good for him for me to just give up. But if he decides he wants completely out of this marriage, well, I guess I have to let him go and the chaplain said the same thing, if he divorces you, then let him go, don't contest it. Twin, no doubt your hurt. My respects. This will pass and you will find you are stronger than you think. Stop beating yourself up. It was his choice. You will see in the long run you will come out a wiser more independent MOM.
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twinmama85
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Post by twinmama85 on Aug 23, 2012 21:27:33 GMT -5
Thanks..I have no guilt about this I know it was his choice. I was willing to work on things so much that I took that risk and made myself completely vulnerable to him and he took my heart and hurt me again..I really don't know how I will turn out, I feel I am going to be very scared that the next person may do the same thing and that might make me a guarded person. I feel sometimes like hes getting off scott-free because he is moreless moving back home. He grew up in Bakersfield and his ENTIRE family is there, while I am completely alone out here, besides my boys. My closest family member is in Colorado and my mom is in Kansas. I also feel like he is getting everything he wants, no accountability, no having to "deal" with the kids and what not. I told my chaplain this and he said that God will punish him when its time, he said that you don't walk away from your wife and get by with it, especially when there is no foul play involved. I sometimes visualize this happening as him trying to come back into my life when I have moved on with someone else, that's how I see it happening, hes even told me hes had a dream of me getting together with a "douche bag" and him trying to stop it, but we will see.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Aug 23, 2012 21:37:44 GMT -5
Namaste Twinmama ~
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twinmama85
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Post by twinmama85 on Aug 23, 2012 22:24:32 GMT -5
Thanks everyone...you know, the first time, I blamed myself, and I knew it was my fault, but I made the effort over July, he flat out told me he didn't give it 100% and doesn't feel like try anymore. I begged forgiveness and wanted to do anything to make it right but now hes turn his back on me and so I no longer blame myself for it, I did the best I could over the last 5 weeks and he decided he couldn't do it so it is his choice to walk out, not mine.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Aug 23, 2012 22:46:08 GMT -5
Twin it's all on his shoulders. You realized your part and did your best to make amends. He never tried Twin, he never did.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Aug 23, 2012 22:49:22 GMT -5
Awww, Twin. I feel so bad for your boys and for him. He will have to live with his decision for the rest of his life and I'm sure he will have so many regrets. I have no doubt you will pull through this as the champ and you can look at yourself in the mirror every day and be proud of yourself. My real father did something similar to your DH and he drank himself to death and died at 50 years old. He was so lonely and had so many regrets and he just couldn't get past them. It was his own conscience that did him in. You - I wish nothing but happiness for your new life. And you need to promise not to let his dream come true. NO DOUCHE BAGS!! Find somebody worthy of you and your boys and go very slow! You are in my prayers that your biopsy comes back negative for cancer. Please keep us posted! But it doesn't mean it was your fault. Just because you were the adult and sucked it up and took the blame doesn't mean it was all on you. In time you will see that.
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twinmama85
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Post by twinmama85 on Aug 23, 2012 23:02:31 GMT -5
Thanks Peace of Mind...everyday is a challenge like I said and I know I will get through it, but I gotta go through the process of loss first
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