Ultimatums - When would you?

[Firebird]

Would you ever issue an ultimatum to your SO, and if so, over what issue? Do you think it would come out in the heat of the moment or after you'd had time to really think about it?

Also, if you got an ultimatum from your SO, would you take it seriously?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Would you ever issue an ultimatum to your SO, and if so, over what issue? Yep. I've done it twice. The first time was in the beginning of our relationship when I told him he needed to grow up or we were over, I wasn't going to enter a long term relationship with a momma's boy.

Second was when he relapsed and I told him if I ever find out he used again I am leaving him. I told him he gets one screw up that's it. I refuse to have an active user in my home, especially now that we have a kid.

Do you think it would come out in the heat of the moment or after you'd had time to really think about it?

They popped into my head when I was pissed but I took the time out to really think about them before I spoke. I had to make sure I was ready to follow thru otherwise it was pointless for me to say anything.

Also, if you got an ultimatum from your SO, would you take it seriously?

Oh god yes! DH doesn't do ultimatiums. If he ever said one to me that means I've done something so bad that he's willing to give up seven years together in order to get his point across.

[Firebird]

Oh god yes! DH doesn't do ultimatiums. If he ever said one to me that means I've done something so bad that he's willing to give up seven years together in order to get his point across.

I'd feel much the same way and I bet DH would too. We don't "do" ultimatums, so if one of us ever did, that would be a pretty good sign that we were dead serious about whatever it was.

Drugs are definitely one of my ultimatum issues too, DQ.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Yeah I don't pull them out for everything. I feel if you threaten him every single time he does something you don't like it's a useless technique, especially if you never actually act on the ultimatum .

If I am using an ultimatum I better be damn sure I am ready for him to tell me to go F-myself.

I keep ultimatums for when I am dead serious and don't see any other options. Fortunately I've only had to do it twice and they were over stuff that most peple would agree warranted one.

[justme]

I think there's two types of ultimatiums. One good, one bad. The good ones would have the drug issue as an example because you 1) fully intend to follow through and 2) it's not for something petty/stupid. The bad ones though are used to manipulate and people issuing them tend to 1) not follow through (marry me or else! and then not walk) and/or 2) over petty things (tell me I'm pretty 3 times a day or I walk, for example). Ultimatiums get a bad rap, so I prefer to see the good ones as forks in the road - I'm telling you which way I'm going, you're free to choose your own path of the two - just know that I'm only going down that one path.

[michelyn8]

May 16, 2012 15:29:06 GMT -5 Firebird said:

Would you ever issue an ultimatum to your SO, and if so, over what issue? Do you think it would come out in the heat of the moment or after you'd had time to really think about it?

Also, if you got an ultimatum from your SO, would you take it seriously?

I've wanted to but know deep down he'd tell me to f%^& off and that'd be the end of that. So I wait, chew on what's bothering me and then try to talk to him about it.

Thing is, I'd react the exact same way if he ever gave me one and he knows it so we do manage to stay on the same page more often than not. I can speak my mind (and I often do) and I know if he doesn't like something I do, he'll say so.

[Opti]

Ultimatums should be about big issues that are deal breakers for a relationship. Something you feel for your own sanity, health, needs to be true or you can't live with the person. I agree they shouldn't be over petty things. I prefer not to get into situations where they might be necessary. Because of my allergies smokers and owning cats is a deal breaker but wouldn't need to be for someone else.

[Sum Dum Gai]

Would you ever issue an ultimatum to your SO, and if so, over what issue?

Yeah, there are certain things that are non negotiable. Period. Cheating, beating the kids, drug use, the usual. No free pass, no working through it, no counselors. There are some mistakes that are, in my opinion anyway, unforgivable.

[Opti]

May 16, 2012 16:03:00 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

Would you ever issue an ultimatum to your SO, and if so, over what issue?

Yeah, there are certain things that are non negotiable. Period. Cheating, beating the kids, drug use, the usual. No free pass, no working through it, no counselors. There are some mistakes that are, in my opinion anyway, unforgivable.

But are those really for you ultimatums? I mean once they occur, isn't it I'm out of here no discussion? To me an ultimatum is a line in the sand to some extent - stop doing X or start doing Y otherwise it is over between us. Things you discuss before they become true aren't ultimatums in my book, just potential future deal breakers.

[shanendoah]

I don't know that I've ever issued an ultimatum. At the same time, there are some things in our relationship that we both know come with an unstated "or else".

[Sum Dum Gai]

Things you discuss before they become true aren't ultimatums in my book

Oh, ok then. We'll call them preemptive ultimatums since we did discuss certain things beforehand.

The only one I can really think of was Loop saying Arizona was completely out of the question when I was separating and we were figuring out where we wanted to move. Well, what she actually said was I could move back home if I wanted too, but her and kids wouldn't be coming with me. I never liked my home town, but with that sweetening the pot I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about it pretty hard.

[Firebird]

But are those really for you ultimatums? I mean once they occur, isn't it I'm out of here no discussion? To me an ultimatum is a line in the sand to some extent - stop doing X or start doing Y otherwise it is over between us. Things you discuss before they become true aren't ultimatums in my book, just potential future deal breakers.

I could see it going both ways. I think the main issue (at least the main issue I had in mind when I posted the question) was "when do you say you're going to walk, and how seriously do you mean it?"

It's always interesting to hear other people's dealbreakers. Cheating almost always makes the short list, and for me that's not necessarily a dealbreaker. It depends on the circumstances. But I could absolutely see myself issuing an ultimatum like "If this ever happens again, I'm gone" so I suppose that counts as a dealbreaker in a way.

[Firebird]

The only one I can really think of was Loop saying Arizona was completely out of the question when I was separating and we were figuring out where we wanted to move.

I don't blame her, Arizona sucks

[Sum Dum Gai]

I don't blame her, Arizona sucks

Not all of it. Sedona, Prescott, Tucson, and Flagstaff aren't bad.

Plus it's all relative. Even Phoenix, which granted is a pit, is better than Texas.

[Opti]

May 16, 2012 16:14:50 GMT -5 Firebird said:

But are those really for you ultimatums? I mean once they occur, isn't it I'm out of here no discussion? To me an ultimatum is a line in the sand to some extent - stop doing X or start doing Y otherwise it is over between us. Things you discuss before they become true aren't ultimatums in my book, just potential future deal breakers.

I could see it going both ways. I think the main issue (at least the main issue I had in mind when I posted the question) was "when do you say you're going to walk, and how seriously do you mean it?"

It's always interesting to hear other people's dealbreakers. Cheating almost always makes the short list, and for me that's not necessarily a dealbreaker. It depends on the circumstances. But I could absolutely see myself issuing an ultimatum like "If this ever happens again, I'm gone" so I suppose that counts as a dealbreaker in a way.

I only say I'm going to walk or I will walk over this issue if and only if I would follow through. Again, I'd prefer not to go there. Most times you can discuss potential dealbreakers up front. Sometimes they sneak in if someone is not totally upfront with you. I did date a guy who was a social cigar smoker who might have smoked a cigar once a month had he not been in my life but didn't seem to have a deep driving social need except perhaps once a year or so. In that case I decided it wasn't worth dealbreaker or ultimatum status however I did do many things to convince him there were better things to do with his mouth. I figured once a year smoking a cigar not where we lived was liveable for me.

[raeoflyte]

I told dh that if he didn't deal with the fish tanks he's left rotting on the patio that he might not be happy with how I choose to deal with them... I've given those kinds of ultimatums, and probably will again. Yes, I waited patiently for him to do it on his own, then I asked nicely, then politely told him that last weekend. So we'll see if they're still sitting their on my day off.

I've never issued one that I was going to leave him over. Oh wait, I told him that he could to let his parents live with him if needed, but that I would be leaving if that happened.

I kind of like ultimatums.

[dividend]

<Sigh>
If DBF and I decide to get married, I will have to issue him a ultimatum, and I'm really dreading it because I mean it.
He's going to have to stop financially supporting his mother before before I would consider marrying him. She's a bad person (like, should have had him and his sisters removed from from her care as children bad), he had a terrible childhood, and she mooches off him now as an adult. The money he gives her is her only income. I'm not ever putting myself in a situation where money that I've earned goes to support her, nor would I marry him while has substantial cash outlay each month for her.
My gut says that when that when that happens, he won't choose me.

[thyme4change]

Even Phoenix, which granted is a pit

[Firebird]

Not all of it. Sedona, Prescott, Tucson, and Flagstaff aren't bad.

I went to college in Flag and spent tons of time in Tucson. They suck

Granted, the lower COL is nice. And I agree that it probably still beats Texas. But you have to remember that I don't like hot weather, especially all year round - the snow was the only good part about living in Flag (which sucked in other ways .

[Firebird]

My gut says that when that when that happens, he won't choose me.

Sorry to hear that, dividend. Maybe he'll surprise you - but yeah, that's rough.

[Sum Dum Gai]

I went to college in Flag and spent tons of time in Tucson. They suck

I keep forgetting I'm talking to somebody crazy enough to leave this area in order to spend the rest of their life being drizzled on in Washington.

[Deleted]

My wife told me once if I don't vacuum more, we are over.

I hired a maid.

[thyme4change]

I give my husband ultimatums all the time. They are usually something like "Do the dishes or else...or else I will do them, and it won't affect how much I love or respect you." Somehow these ultimatums never work out in my favor. Maybe I'm doing it wrong.

[Firebird]

I keep forgetting I'm talking to somebody crazy enough to leave this area in order to spend the rest of their life being drizzled on in Washington.

Whatever, you're the crazy one. Who wants all this sunshine junk around all the time?

[Firebird]

Hahaha Thyme! I forgot about those ultimatums. Usually mine have to do with the possibility that the kitten will stop loving him if he doesn't do X for me. Her affections are absolutely for sale, so all I have to do is pay her better than he does for this to be a viable threat.

[Deleted]

May 16, 2012 16:11:34 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

Things you discuss before they become true aren't ultimatums in my book

Oh, ok then. We'll call them preemptive ultimatums since we did discuss certain things beforehand.

The only one I can really think of was Loop saying Arizona was completely out of the question when I was separating and we were figuring out where we wanted to move. Well, what she actually said was I could move back home if I wanted too, but her and kids wouldn't be coming with me. I never liked my home town, but with that sweetening the pot I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about it pretty hard.

I actually recently had a similar conversation with my wife. We are from different states and I told her that there was no way I would move to her home state, but that she could move there if she wanted to. She's still in Texas. ;D

[Phoenix84]

Personally I don't like ultimatums. They just seem snobby and childish.

[Phoenix84]

And ultimatums don't really get to the root causes of problems in a relationship. It's trying to force a problem that usually has many shades of gray into a black and white dicussion. If I was having an issue with a SO, I'd think trying to discuss it and get to the root cause of the issue is better than a "my way or the highway" discussion.

[Peace Of Mind]

May 16, 2012 16:35:36 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

I give my husband ultimatums all the time. They are usually something like "Do the dishes or else...or else I will do them, and it won't affect how much I love or respect you." Somehow these ultimatums never work out in my favor. Maybe I'm doing it wrong.

LOL! You are. The way it works with my DH is "Do ____ or I will kill you." If that doesn't work I just keep yelling until he makes it stop. Either way I win and he lives. Hmmm. I think I just figured out his hearing problems.


Awww, Dividend. I hope it works to your favor.

[quince]

"Either stop cheating on me, or this relationship is over."

Not so much, really. Although a lot of things are ultimatums even if not delivered as such. "I need to know how you feel about X, and we need to talk, and decide if we're going in the same direction." Kind of the same thing without the foot-stompyness.