Having children despite the cost:

[Deleted]

physically, emotionally, maritally, financially, or otherwise. Do you know someone who's done it, or done it yourself?

I want to have another baby despite the fact that every medical professional I interact with tells me it's a bad, bad idea. If DH hadn't put his foot down we'd be having another kid.

A friend of mine has a toddler with a sensory processing disorder, who still doesn't sleep the through the night, and just had another baby. She knew it was going to be rough, said she thought having a single would be the best idea, but couldn't bring herself to only have one.

I just spoke to the brother of a friend of mine (we've known each other since we were teens). My friend is pregnant. Her husband didn't really want a second, they carry a ton of debt, they wanted to move to a better neighborhood, etc. Now her husband is probably going to quit his job to be a SAHD (which he has done before and is hard on their marriage because he dislikes it) because they can't afford childcare.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I don't know anyone who has done it or at least admits to it out loud. I do know a ton of people keep telling me that I should and "everything will work out just fine".

I don't want to, we are in a spot where neither of us makes quite enough money to support four people on one income nor do we make enough to have two kids in daycare.

DH says he keeps hearing from lots of people how they just did it and "everything worked out fine". I said that is nice they can support the kid then because I am not comfortable throwing caution to the wind and hoping everything will work out.

I am also not really sure I want another kid. I have no doubts I would love it once it arrived but at the moment I just got done BF-ing, I am starting to feel like myself again, I am finally getting caught up at work. I am not really interested in jumping right back in and starting the process all over. I'd like time to be myself before I have another one.

Another kid isn't out of the question, but it isn't going to happen in the timeframe everyone else seems to think is appropriate.

It'll happen when we are darn good and ready to.

[Deleted]

DW is already talking about kid #3.... I don't know if I am up for it.

[shanendoah]

Our timing on deciding to start the adoption process wasn't necessariy good- we decided in Jan/Feb, with the MIL in bad shape.
At the same time, I had been putting off doing this because of all the work it was to care for her, and finally I just had to say to DH- I'm going to start resenting her and then you if we keep putting off living our lives to take care of her. He agreed 100%.
She passed in March, whis was difficult and yet also makes this easier as we don't have to keep caring for her, and the life insurance we have gotten from her has made it so that we can afford to pay for the adoption costs and all the home improvement work we need to do in cash without worrying.
We would have done it anyway, though, and some things would have gone on credit card.

[swasat]

May 11, 2012 10:15:26 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

physically, emotionally, maritally, financially, or otherwise. Do you know someone who's done it, or done it yourself?

Well, for us finances were not a problem, neither was maritally. It was the physical and emotional aspect that was giving us a pause. DS was 2 years old when we started thinking about another kid. DS was always a wonderful baby, no eating issues, no sleeping issues, but still caring for a baby while working full time was exhausting!!

But both DH and I grew up with a sibling so we really wanted DS to have a sibling. So we bit the bullet and went with it.

The first year of having two kids under 4 was hard. And we paid almost $2500/month in childcare. But time passed and things settled and all is ok now.

[Deleted]

I had both my kids back when I was young and clueless. No planning, no financial stability, no real job, just had some kids. And I was a SAHM until my oldest was about 4yo. You all would've hated me if I'd found these boards at any point before I did. Thank God I was at least smart enough to realize that 2 children were more than enough for me.

Anyway, I ended up being a single parent for most of their childhood and I still made it work. I didn't have a choice. The only subsidy I received was my Grandma letting me stay rent free in a house she owned until I bought my own house.

I believe that if you choose to make a baby (and not actively trying to prevent pregnancy is choosing to get pregnant imho), you suck it up and do what you have to do. Not that I advise anyone to do it all ass-backwards like I did.

[reader79]

I have two sisters who had children with little or no jobs in the picture for either them or their (shotgun) husbands. The first one was working at a pizzeria as counter help, and her boyfriend was unemployed. She had also dropped out of school, which was a condition of her living at home. They got married a few months later, and lived in a shelter until they found a subsidized apartment. Kid #2 came two years later, and they lost the apartment because they couldn't keep up with the rent. They are currently all (four of them,) living in one of the upstairs bedrooms in my parents house. They recently applied for an apartment in a local development, but were shocked when they were turned down due to the previous rental shenanigans. My sister has a job now, but alas, my BIL cannot keep one to save his life. Kid #1 is in all-day Pre-K, #2 is in daycare - subsidized at $85/week - yet they still beyotch and moan about the cost. Unreal. BIL fills his day with naps mostly, and playing with his car (that never has gas in it.)

Sister #2 was living on-campus at school when her BF knocked her up. She told us that she was moving down South to stay with his mom, and that she would return to school the next semester. She did, but the separation (he stayed there until she graduated,) did not help, and they are divorcing now. She finished school, but is underemployed in her major because he will not let her travel without threatening to sue (again) for full custody. He is back in NY, living with family and working as store security somewhere.

[TD2K]

May 11, 2012 10:22:50 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

DW is already talking about kid #3.... I don't know if I am up for it.

It's like a riding a bicycle, it will all come back to you. You should get snipped though (since you aren't getting any, she won't notice), best of both worlds, all the practicing and none of the results.

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 10:43:07 GMT -5 TD2K said:

May 11, 2012 10:22:50 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

DW is already talking about kid #3.... I don't know if I am up for it.

It's like a riding a bicycle, it will all come back to you. You should get snipped though (since you aren't getting any, she won't notice), best of both worlds, all the practicing and none of the results.

Snipped... are you crazy? I am not putting my body through that.

[swamp]

May 11, 2012 10:45:04 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

May 11, 2012 10:43:07 GMT -5 TD2K said:

It's like a riding a bicycle, it will all come back to you. You should get snipped though (since you aren't getting any, she won't notice), best of both worlds, all the practicing and none of the results.

Snipped... are you crazy? I am not putting my body through that.

candy ass.

[dancinmama]

We didn't do it. We waited until we had a home and a large EF ($25K in 1985) and we had been married for 8 years by the time DS came along. There were several reasons we decided to stop at one and we have never regretted it. DS has always been very good with babies and younger kids, so I am kind of surprised he never asked for a little brother or sister; but he never did.

[muttleynfelix]

physically, emotionally, maritally, financially, or otherwise. Do you know someone who's done it, or done it yourself?

We are expecting #2 around the first of the year and it is really despite the financial cost. We'd been treading water financially since DS was born and while we'll be fine, but certainly doesn't meet the YM standards. Add in some other financial woahs this month and it looks like really really bad timing.

As for the physical cost, I wasn't expecting it to this extent. The first 2 trimesters were rough with DS, but manageable. I've known for 3 weeks that I'm pregnant and I have felt it every single second of those 3 weeks. I stopped sleeping well, I stopped being able to workout every morning, and I feel like puking 90% of the day. Yesterday, I was dizzy enough that I couldn't even walk with my coworkers at lunch. This week when I've gotten home from work, the toilet has seen me more than my son has.

Emtionally and martially - I actually went to counselling while we were TTC to get rid of some lingering PPD issues with DS and try to get myself and therefore my marriage on better footing. I'm so glad I went that route. We're coming up with a "plan of attack" for #2 to rely some on our support network that we shut out at times with DS.

So, yeah we threw caution to the wind to have #2. I'm not sure I would have done it with number 1, but we were able to keep regular expenses with DS pretty cheap and 2 kids are the same for health insurance as 1 child. So, our increase in expenses at least for the first couple years shouldn't be huge. The biggest expense will be the birth and my maternity leave. While I had hopes for a ltitle longer maternity leave, that won't happen because my boss is going on a mission trip in January and I'll at least have to be able to take some phone calls even if it is just from home.

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 10:31:18 GMT -5 @tbird said:

May 11, 2012 10:22:50 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

DW is already talking about kid #3.... I don't know if I am up for it.

but that would ensure some....something....

[Deleted]

some people might say we should have waited - we are/were in our late 20s with SL debt and entry level wages in a HCOLA. But we contribute to our retirement funds, are careful consumers, and save well. So we did it. I had DS in July of last year. Even with me taking an additional 6 weeks of partially paid time (and DH doing the same) I honestly don't feel that our standard of living has changed. And we have formula and disposable diaper costs. Of course we don't go out much anymore so that saves some money (makes me wonder how much money we were really spending!!!) and we have free childcare - a HUGE money saver.

We are 99% sure we want another kid, but it's not happening until after I'm done with school. I'd also like to see us making another $10-15k/year.

[sheilaincali]

We were a couple of dumb kids when we had DS and didn't know any better (I was 22 and DH was 24). Fortunately we were in the Air Force so medical, maternity leave, job security, etc were not factors.
We briefly discussed having another when DS was 3 but changed our minds a few months later, decided we really did only want the one and DH got snipped.
DS is now 14 and about 90% of the time I am perfectly fine with him being an only but some days I do wish we had had another. DH wants another more than I do. He would love to adopt or something but at this point we are 4 years away from shipping The Boy off to college and I can't wrap my brain around starting over with the whole diaper/daycare stage.

Most days I really couldn't imagine juggling more than just the boy

[Deleted]

I've known for 3 weeks that I'm pregnant and I have felt it every single second of those 3 weeks. I stopped sleeping well, I stopped being able to workout every morning, and I feel like puking 90% of the day. Yesterday, I was dizzy enough that I couldn't even walk with my coworkers at lunch. This week when I've gotten home from work, the toilet has seen me more than my son has.

Try to keep some liquids down and see your doc if it gets worse - I hope you feel better soon!

[swamp]

May 11, 2012 11:05:21 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

I've known for 3 weeks that I'm pregnant and I have felt it every single second of those 3 weeks. I stopped sleeping well, I stopped being able to workout every morning, and I feel like puking 90% of the day. Yesterday, I was dizzy enough that I couldn't even walk with my coworkers at lunch. This week when I've gotten home from work, the toilet has seen me more than my son has.

Try to keep some liquids down and see your doc if it gets worse - I hope you feel better soon!

I felt that way my whole pregnancy, for both of them. I hope yours gets better.

[973beachbum]

We did when we had our DD. We had a home and jobs but truthfully not much money after the bills were paid. When DS was born on paper we looked much better off financially but it sure felt worse. I still haven't figured that part out.

[muttleynfelix]

May 11, 2012 11:06:15 GMT -5 swamp said:

May 11, 2012 11:05:21 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

I've known for 3 weeks that I'm pregnant and I have felt it every single second of those 3 weeks. I stopped sleeping well, I stopped being able to workout every morning, and I feel like puking 90% of the day. Yesterday, I was dizzy enough that I couldn't even walk with my coworkers at lunch. This week when I've gotten home from work, the toilet has seen me more than my son has.

Try to keep some liquids down and see your doc if it gets worse - I hope you feel better soon!

I felt that way my whole pregnancy, for both of them. I hope yours gets better.

Thanks guys. I'm going to give it to Monday and if I'm still having serious nausea issues I'll call the nurse. My OB doesn't see you until you are 8 to 10 weeks so, my first appointment isn't until June 5th. But, like all the emotional stuff, DH and I are trying to have a plan of attack.

[happyhoix]

We did not do it.

We had DS, saw how hard it was for both of us to work and take care of a baby, decided we wouldn't have a second one unless one of us could be a SAHP, I made more than DH and he wasn't willing to be a SAHD, so DS is an only child.

I know some people think it's horrible to have an only child, but DS seems fine with it and I don't regret it. I would rather just have one and do the job well then have two and collapse our marriage under the strain.

I have seen people do it, though. A co worker's wife wanted a large family, she popped out three babies in four years, they ultimately had to go live in her parents' basement.

[Formerly SK]

I've known two people who I thought weren't very good mothers (weren't willing to put in the time, yelled a lot, complained about the work it took, used family for help with said work, etc) who then deliberately went on to have a third child. I don't know about anyone else, but when you constantly complain about how hard having kids is, maybe adding another to the mix isn't a good idea. #idunno#

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I know some people think it's horrible to have an only child,

No kidding. It never occurred to me that having one kid is apparently child abuse.

I told my SIL unless she is volunteering to get pregnant for me to stuff it, it isn't her place to decide if or when I have another kid.

She asked me about having #2 the day I got out of the hospital!

My MIL told her to back off, the woman hasn't even recovered from having her first kid yet.

[raeoflyte]

Ummm, yeah we did it with #1, and pretty much the same with #2. To me children are an emotional decision--when life without children seems harder than life with them, it's time to do it. Not YM approved, but oh well.

Of course, the car died the week I found out I was pregnant this time. Last year I'd have no problem emptying our savings for a replacement, but this year we decided instead to take out a loan for a new one. We're stashing as much cash as we can, and assuming we have a healthy happy baby, and mom, and we both get a little bit of leave, I hope to have money left over to pay off the last of the car loan early next year.

Maritally was the hardest part with #1. I felt like dh became his father for several months. We plan to 'have a plan' in place before #2 gets here. Sounds responsible--right?

[Angel!]

In YM terms I wasn't ready for either kid. Some days I want to have a third despite everything, so much so I even recently ran through a budget if I had another kid & calculated how much leave from work I would have saved up.

[Deleted]

In my opinion, there is no perfect time to have kids for most people. You make some basic plans such and then you have to let fate or nature or God take over. It wasnt a good time when we had our first. DH was unemployed, had just finished his degree and was looking but hadn't found anything. However, i did have a good FT job/career. So, we went ahead and he was a SAHD for the first 9 mos of our son's life till he got a FT job. Then we both worked FT for awhile and banked some money and made some good financial decisions and some dumb ones. Then we went ahead and had son #2. We downsized our lifestyle a bit. I changed my career to something more family friendly. And, my third was purely an all out heart desire with no practical thought at all. I just wanted another baby. And, it all worked out. But even for everyone who "thinks" they have it all figured out, sorry you don't. Anything can happen. You could lose your job, become injured, and on and on. You try to make the best decisions for your life and go with the flo.

[lynnerself]

We waited 11 years to have kids (we were married young).
It wasn't financial though. DH had a list of things he wanted to do and places to see first.

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 11:56:40 GMT -5 @shooby said:

In my opinion, there is no perfect time to have kids for most people. You make some basic plans such and then you have to let fate or nature or God take over. It wasnt a good time when we had our first. DH was unemployed, had just finished his degree and was looking but hadn't found anything. However, i did have a good FT job/career. So, we went ahead and he was a SAHD for the first 9 mos of our son's life till he got a FT job. Then we both worked FT for awhile and banked some money and made some good financial decisions and some dumb ones. Then we went ahead and had son #2. We downsized our lifestyle a bit. I changed my career to something more family friendly. And, my third was purely an all out heart desire with no practical thought at all. I just wanted another baby. And, it all worked out. But even for everyone who "thinks" they have it all figured out, sorry you don't. Anything can happen. You could lose your job, become injured, and on and on. You try to make the best decisions for your life and go with the flo.

[busymom]

muttle, do they still sell those "morning sickness" bracelets? I was one sick puppy when I was pregnant (the second time was worse than the first). The bracelets have pressure points on the wrist area, that helps take the edge off the "I gotta puke" feeling. They helped me survive my pregnancies, since I had trouble keeping anything down. It's amazing a woman can survive puking 3 times (or more) every day!

<HUGS> for you. Keep taking in a little snack here & there. A saltine here, a cookie there...

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

You try to make the best decisions for your life and go with the flo.

That is YM blasphemy!

[Firebird]

physically, emotionally, maritally, financially, or otherwise. Do you know someone who's done it, or done it yourself?

Oh, I totally admit to doing it. DH and I were planning to wait until we got our consumer debt paid off and had a healthy emergency fund (at least $15k or so). That day is probably still at least a couple of years off. So one night we said "to hell with it, we want a baby."

I feel like we're both physically, emotionally, and maritally ready - without being ready in THOSE areas, I wouldn't have gone ahead. And I used to think there was no way I'd go ahead without being financially prepared too, but that ended up being the one area of preparedness on which I was willing to compromise. Because I think the first three are way more important.

It may not be the best timing but I doubt we'll ever regret it I can't wait to meet our little bean.