When does it get easier?

[Works4me]

Dealing with financial crap for myself and for my father.
Tired of it.
Tired of being responsible and doing the right thing.
Just tired too.
Raspberries to the world!

When does it all get easier?

[muttleynfelix]

Hugs. I have no answers. Just sending you a hug.

[shanendoah]

When he dies and you get 3x the life insurance you were expecting...

That's facetious, but also true. We'd been managing the MIL's finances via DPOA since 2008 when she passed in March. DH would certainly rather we still be managing her finances. During that time, DH got laid off so our own finances were also a little crazy. It can be a lot to handle, especially if you don't have a supportive partner to go through it with you.
It's not easy, and I'm sorry you're going through this.
If you want to talk, PM me. I've been there and done that.

[Works4me]

Thanks - hate doing financial planning and now doing it double sux.
Want to abdicate and move to France.

[shanendoah]

It definitely does suck.
If you abdicate and move to France, is there someone else to do it?
DH is an only child, so it was us or no one, and no matter how much his mother drove us both crazy, letting her manage her own finances and ending up on the street was not a viable option, so we did it.

Does your father have enough in assets that you could look at hiring a fee only financial planner, or an attorney who specializes in financial planning to help?

[Works4me]

Only life ins is VA - damn!
My father always said he felt it was an unfair temptation for a man to be worth more to his wife alive than dead. He had a great sense of humor which dementia has taken. Both my parents were a trip that way.

Lost my mom back in 1994, was an only child, married for 5 years in my early 20's, no kids, never remarried, serial monogamist I guess. At least dog helps - she recommends squeakie toys and long walks for stress.

Have professionals for both of us - I just strongly believe that I need to understand it all for financial safety and self protection.

[Works4me]

Hate to admit this but as I was a single adult with a demanding career, my father handled a lot of my financial stuff as he retired in 1990 and he loved doing it - I could trust him and was able to be lazy. Now I have to step up and just don't like it. At least he taught me well and we do have good professionals.

[shanendoah]

If your father is a Veteran, for goodness sakes contact the VA for some help. I know it has a bad rap, but they have a ton of resources for Vets and their families. Growing up, my father was a Veteran's Benefits Counselor, and spent a good part of his day helping people like you and your father make sure everything was squared away.
Your father served his country, now let his country serve him.

Dogs definitely help. I don't know about squeeky toys, but long walks and throwing the ball certainly are great stress relievers for me.

And MIL's life insurance is still not very much, just more than we expected. One company paid on a policy they had cancelled. Then we found another small policy and called that company to find out if it was still valid. It was. They sent us a check- for 2 policies, the 2nd for twice as much as the first.
We're still looking at under $25k in life insurance, but it's certainly more than the $8k we thought we were getting.

[Works4me]

Submitted request for VA assessment last week but last time he checked it was told he had too much money and am pretty sure that will still be the case.

Plan for now it to keep him home with private care as long as is possible. Issue is one of his few remaining pleasures is a hot cup of coffee and a cigarette - 60 plus year smoker - as a medical social worker he would not get that at a facility. Just does not happen. Also, cost of home care is less than half. Money will last and I think the main thing is I hate this type of responsibility. If I handle this right, his assets when combined with mine, well, not wealthy but quite comfortable IF handled properly.

I just hate doing this and learning it. Also, having to look at how to re-structure my life - stuff like selling/renting my house, his car, etc. This started 2 years ago and he was not supposed to live through the summer. Due to quality of care and his stubborn inner energizer bunny, he is still alive and kicking for the forseeable future.

Money really is an emotional issue! Amazing how all my other issues are coming out right now.

[Works4me]

Any other ideas where to go? Italy also has an appeal as does Australia.

[Deleted]

sarahjese, hang in there! You'd be faced with a whole 'nother source of stress if your father didn't have the assets that he does. Maybe that's not very helpful right now.

I'll shut up and just say I know what it's like to get tired of being responsible and good luck to the both of you.

[mmhmm]

My 90-year-old mother lives with me., sarahjese. I feel your pain, believe me. Still, I feel fortunate to have her still living. So many don't have that privilege. The responsibility is sometimes daunting, but it's worth it in the long run, I think. Mother's been here for nearly twelve years now.

[Works4me]

Good point that it could be much worse - I just thought that it would be easier because we were financially prepared and because of my profession. At least I am not working full time too but frankly the thought of a job sounds good. Have been looking into some things I can do that are more business/sales oriented as I do need someihting that is just for me.

12 years? wow - how fantastic!!! That is why I am looking at my life/our lives right now. Was at a bit of a cross roads when this happened with my father and now is time to get back into the world for me. Also, it is hard because never having had children I have never had to care take like this. But onward and upward!

[Deleted]

Yes, it's ok (and recommended) that you do something just for you. Being responsible doesn't mean you have to give up your whole life and sense of self.

[Deleted]

Do you have enough support that you can leave him to his own devices for a stretch? Respite care is there for a reason, and Paris may actually do you some good.

(Paris, France... Paris, Kentucky... whatever... sometimes you just need a break)

[mmhmm]

You'll find you fall into a rhythm, sarahjese. Sometimes, you find yourself resenting the time it takes to care for another. Other times, you see something in that other's eyes that lets you know it's well worth that time. It's good to get a break, when (and if) you can, but I always find myself wanting to come home. It's where my heart is.

[Works4me]

Thanks - will schedule some time for my self next week.

I think I just realized - it is a full-time job to manage the household, my father's care, financials, etc., and it is not a job I want but one I need to do. I can see though that in another month or so it I will be able to spend much less time on all of this.

Next up is consolidation of insurance - will save a fair amount of money but royal pita! Still working on the half inch of paperwork for the money guy.

And you are right about the look in his eyes!

[Works4me]

Just so long as it is not Paris, Texas - lol.
Hard to get away overnight right now but I live 7 miles from the beach. Starting tomorrow morning I think I will go back to working out there in the morning and then getting coffee and journaling.

[busymom]

<HUGS> for Sarah!!


I'm dealing with both my Mom's & our family finances. I can relate to the feeling that some days, you just don't wanna deal with anything financial. But, so far I've managed to keep everything straight. There sure is a lot of busywork involved. My Mom's money is spread around, and I just found out last weekend that one of her banks failed. I went in person to fill out the proper paperwork. They have been taken over by an out-of-state bank, but all of her assets are accounted for, so, so far, so good. Currently, I'm dealing with her failing health, and cleaning out her house so it's ready to sell.

Take some time for yourself. Read a good book, go to lunch with a close friend, or whatever helps you keep in touch with the rest of the world!

[Works4me]

Busymom - really helps to know that someone else is doing this too!

[findingdeadbeats]

Hugs. I too am sorry to hear you are going through a hard time. Sometimes it feels like it will never end. Then something good happens in life and you are glad you hung out to see it come. Life is a process.

I am seriously considering learning how to meditate. Who knows, just might help with stress.

[Deleted]

May 10, 2012 17:42:36 GMT -5 Works4me said:

Submitted request for VA assessment last week but last time he checked it was told he had too much money and am pretty sure that will still be the case.

Plan for now it to keep him home with private care as long as is possible. Issue is one of his few remaining pleasures is a hot cup of coffee and a cigarette - 60 plus year smoker - as a medical social worker he would not get that at a facility. Just does not happen. Also, cost of home care is less than half. Money will last and I think the main thing is I hate this type of responsibility. If I handle this right, his assets when combined with mine, well, not wealthy but quite comfortable IF handled properly.

I just hate doing this and learning it. Also, having to look at how to re-structure my life - stuff like selling/renting my house, his car, etc. This started 2 years ago and he was not supposed to live through the summer. Due to quality of care and his stubborn inner energizer bunny, he is still alive and kicking for the forseeable future.

Money really is an emotional issue! Amazing how all my other issues are coming out right now.

You can use irrevocable trusts to remove assets from VA consideration. If he has "too much" why isn't he investing in an attorney that can help with structuring trusts for him?

[Works4me]

Because he was old school and never would do a trust. Also trusts do effect care options available. Cash is still king and long term private pays are easiest to place. I am in the process of restructuring things so probate is unnecessary w/o a trust.

Just recently found out that he served during Korea and am researching current VA benefits next. Do you know what their asset limit is?

As a medical social worker my experience with the elder law attorneys in this area has not been positive. I find that most of them are after billable hours first, preservation of assets for the heirs second and the welfare of the elder third.

[Deleted]

sarahjese,

What general metro area are you in?

Honestly I think it's great that he has enough assets that care doesn't seem to be a problem. I don't know if you were reading the MSN board 4 years or so ago when I was dealing with my mother's situation. She went quickly which was really a blessing but cleaning up her financial situation took a long time.

Why didn't your father do a Trust? Do you have POA for him?

[shanendoah]

We're in probate currently and mostly dealing with medical bills. It's driving me crazy.
She was hospitalized middle of the night Dec 30/31 for sepsis and almost died then.
However, because during Medicare Open Enrollment, we'd expected her to be out of care (this all started with an option total knee replacement in October), we changed her insurance.
So, for Dec 30/31 she was on one insurance and starting Jan 1, she was on another.
We told the hopsital this from the start. And it's Medicare, so it's not like she's the only person in the world who's insurance changed that day. And yet, I'm still getting providers billing the wrong insurance constantly.
We keep getting bills saying the whole thing is patient responsibility and I call back and say "Hey- you billed the wrong insurance. I gave you the right insurance on X date. We're not paying until you bill the right people."
And then we had the scam company that sent us "bills" attached to the bottom of letters threatening to send her to collections (she's dead mind you, I don't care about her credit rating). But I called them and said- send me an itemized bill that shows you billed an insurance company and I'll consider paying you. Surprise, surprise, nothing more from them.

The worst part of this is, like SarahJesse, I work in healthcare (on the insurance side). I know exactly what I'm doing, and yet...

sarahjesse: Even if he doesn't qualify for VA nursing home care or whatever, they should have counselors and other professionals that can help you walk through his benefits, what he does qualify for, etc. Though it is good to know you already have trusted professionals that you're working with.

[shanendoah]

And as for where to runaway to? I want to go back to Ireland.

[Works4me]

Ireland - now that sounds really good ... have not been there yet. Need to plan YM Goes to Europe!

Bonn - on the central coast halfway between SFO and LAX. No trust because he did not want to do one and that was his choice. I do hold POA and am in the process of putting everything that is not POD (payable on death) into both names as this is how he wants it done. I believe in respecting his wishes and he is still able to sign his name. Just extra paperwork and requires a bit of fancy footwork to accomplish.

Shanendoah - doesn't it suck that it is so difficult to take care of these issues for our elderly family even when we know the system? Makes me wonder what is going to happen in the next several years.

Right now he is being cared for at home. We have caregivers here about 60 to 65 hours per week and I cover nights along with other times as he is unable to be left home alone. A dear friend comes by several evenings for dinner and to hang out so that is a tremendous help too and other friends have been great with meals, etc. Often I sleep/nap during the day as I have lupus and lack of sleep is my number one trigger.

It just seems as if all of this is two forty hour per week jobs if not more and I have no idea how people do it while working, raising kids etc. Even without pulling care shifts which I do. Add in meal planning, paying bills, household maintenance, cleaning, financial management, etc, etc, etc - let's just say I had no clue how much there is to take care of even with help. In many ways it is so much easier being a single adult.

ETA - I have no idea how kids get raised and why more women are not stark raving mad!

The "whine whine snivel snivel" portion is over - open to any/all suggestions on effectively running a household please.

[Deleted]

"into both names as this is how he wants it done. "

Are any of his assets appreciated capital assets; e.g. real estate or stocks? If so, probably not a good idea tax wise. Are you working with a CPA as part of your team?

[Deleted]

Last time I did research on VA Benefits I believe it was $40K assets + you can own your home (but I don't remember if there are limits). VA does not look at irrevocable trusts, so that is a benefit to VA programs. You can do that up until you pass the medicaid look back period and then switch over if you want to.

I think you are taking on a huge amount by working full time + partial care + bills/household stuff for dad. It sounds like he really needs to be heading towards assisted living if 100+ hours of care are needed. You are heading for burnout fast!!

[Works4me]

RockIt - I apoligize that I was not clear - I am not working outside the home right now - thank God! It just feels like 2 full-time jobs. I was diagnosed with lupus in 2004 and had to stop working in 2008. Fortunately I had planned to partially retire at 50ish to do something fun and therefore was in a decent financial position when major illness to strike.

Bonn - thanks! Feel really stupid but forgot about the CPA aside from normal tax appointments. I am in the middle of re-building what I call "The Committee" - Attorney, Insurance Agents, Investment Advisor, CPA, Doctors, etc. so thanks again!

Please keep sharing your information and advice as it really does help.