Honesty

[daisylu]

IME, no 2 relationships are the same. So any of the responses in the proposed scenario could be acceptable, it depends on the partner.


That said, I do not ask questions that I do not want to know the answer to. I do a good enough job of passing judgement on myself, I do not need any help in that area.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

May 9, 2012 18:30:50 GMT -5 Jake 48 said:

When DW and I go out I will tell her " you clean up pretty good"

Smart man, Jake, smart man.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

May 9, 2012 19:48:21 GMT -5 Waffle said:

In general I believe it's better and easier to tell the truth. But, I don't believe it's always necessary, or wise to tell the whole truth.

And, I will add, it's never okay to tell the truth if the sole purpose for doing so is to inflict pain or trauma on the recipient.

That's not truth-telling. That's just being mean.


ETA: After giving this some more thought, I want to further add that I believe that it is perfectly honorable to lie to someone when they ask you a question that is none of their damn business. In fact, in such situations, the answer is not even a lie, it is a defense. JMHO. YMMV.

[Deleted]

I never lie to my wife, but she doesn't have a fat ass either.

[Deleted]

see, I generally don't ask DH if he thinks I look good. I did ask a little bit while I was pregnant and he basically said everything he could without saying I didn't look as good as I did before. He's not one of those guys who finds pregnancy attractive. A few weeks ago while we were leading up to "adult time", he was laying beside me and telling me all the things he liked about my body. So luckily I got one that can see past my post-baby flaws.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Those aren't honest answers, those are being mean. You can be honest without being mean to someone.

DH tried on a shirt and asked me how he looked. I noticed his nipples were showing thru so I shook my head and pointed to his chest. That's being honest.

Being mean would be telling him he needs to put on a bra. Still being honest but now I decided to phrase it in a way to hurt his feelings in the process.

[swamp]

Being mean would be telling him he needs to put on a bra

I'm not supposed to say that to my husband? Ooopsie............

[Deleted]

May 10, 2012 8:17:16 GMT -5 swamp said:

Being mean would be telling him he needs to put on a bra

I'm not supposed to say that to my husband? Ooopsie............

would suggesting he get some man-pasties be mean?

[Deleted]

May 10, 2012 8:15:52 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Being mean would be telling him he needs to put on a bra. Still being honest but now I decided to phrase it in a way to hurt his feelings in the process.

That's key. DH and I would prevent each other from going out in public with obvious flaws- a manufacturer's tag sticking out, a sliver of underwear visible, something truly unflattering or inappropriate- but we'd never be mean about it. And we're not picky about the fine points. Neither married the other for our looks. If we're neat, clean and have no noticeable odors, we're good to go.

[swamp]

May 10, 2012 8:19:11 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

May 10, 2012 8:17:16 GMT -5 swamp said:

I'm not supposed to say that to my husband? Ooopsie............

would suggesting he get some man-pasties be mean?

man pastie suggestions are always mean. a mansierre is a good suggestion for a foundation garment.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

would suggesting he get some man-pasties be mean?



With tassels!

Funny story DH stole my bella band because he couldn't find his belt before we went to the hospital. He said they should make these for men and I said they do: it's called a girdle.

He wouldn't speak to me for the rest of the day.

[Deleted]

ok, now that's funny!!!

[InsertCoolName]

I don't give DH a chance to lie. I NEVER ask how do I look. I know how I look to my self. And trust me, no makeup or clothes will take care of it.
It's just best to not talk about it.

DH has more clothes/shoes than I do and he always looks damn good when he's going out.

[973beachbum]

I always tell DH that he needs to "play nice with others". He really would be a horrible diplomat! But after reading this thread I know know he isn't as bad as he could be. ;D

My opinion has always been that if it isn't a big deal I err on the side of not hurting their feelings.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I'm pretty well known for being blunt/brutally honest and I am not always the best judge of whether or not people want me to be.

People who know me know better than to ask questions they want platitudes or lies for because they know I am not going to give them. If I am unsure what they want to hear I'll ask "Do you want me to be honest or not?"

If they don't they'll tell me nevermind because I've given them fair warning that I'm not going to tell them what they want to hear.

[Deleted]

May 10, 2012 7:21:48 GMT -5 daisylu said:

IME, no 2 relationships are the same. So any of the responses in the proposed scenario could be acceptable, it depends on the partner.


That said, I do not ask questions that I do not want to know the answer to. I do a good enough job of passing judgement on myself, I do not need any help in that area.

I'm like that too. If I'm not prepared to get an answer I might not like, I don't ask the question. So if I ask, I want an honest answer. Honesty doesn't have to be mean though.

On the "How do I look" my people will often tell me whether I ask or not. It doesn't bother me, I don't want to leave the house thinking I'm cute, not knowing something isn't quite right.

[sheilaincali]

I will ask DH's opinion if I am torn between two outfits of something and he will tell me if one is more flattering than the other. He frequently asks my opinion on whether a particular shirt looks ok with the pants he has on but that's about it.

However, the other day he shows up sporting a camo baseball cap from his employer. I HATE camo (both of us wore it for 4 years straight in the USAF and don't need to wear it no unless you are going hunting) plus baseball caps simply do not work for his bone structure.

I suggested he ask for a non-camo hat since he wasn't going hunting anytime soon. He pushed the issue so I finally admitted that I didn't think ball caps worked well with his bone structure. I refrained from telling him he flat out looks goofy in hats. It's been two weeks and he is still freaking whining! Every time he comes home he makes some smart ass remark about his bone structure or what have you. At this point I just tune him out when he gets to talking about his hat

[Bob Ross]

May 9, 2012 19:17:41 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

For example, I have fairly big boobs so anything that is not form fitting makes me look heavier because a looser shirt will hang from my boobs and give the illusion of a stomach (think baby doll camis). If I put one on and asked my husband if it made me look fat, he would tell me yes, it makes me look like i have a belly when I don't really.
I would rather him tell me the truth than have me going out looking like I"m 4 months pregnant.

OMG. What's with those dresses that all women seem to have been wearing for the past few years? The ones that are form fitting only to right under your boobs and then balloon out like a tent? They make any woman look all fat and pregnant unless she's a uber-skinny supermodel type?

What is the draw to these things? They are absolutely horrible.

[alabamagal]

I would say DH and I are fairly honest with each other. If I get dressed for the evening, and ask how I look, if he says "Good" I interpret that as good for a slightly overweight middle age woman. I got a new work shirt a couple weeks ago and he said "That color lookds good on you". That comment made me feel good. I did not expect the shirt to turn me into a super hot, skinny 20 year old (well not for the $10 I paid for it). It was a compliment, I enjoyed it.

I have told my husband that certain outfits look good or don't look good on him. I would like for him to look as good as he can, considering he is a slightly overweight 50 year old man.

Now if I tell my teenage son that I like a piece of clothing he is wearing, it might just end up in the trash pile!

[shanendoah]

I NEVER ask if something makes me look fat. But that's because at over 250lbs- the answer is- I'm fat. Nothing makes me "look" fat, I just am.
However, I will ask DH what he thinks - and that's generally how I ask, not "do I look good" but "what do you think" or if I have a specific issue - do these two things work together, or do these two materials work together (I have texture issues). DH will be honest and I have no problems with that- but I think a lot of that is because I'm not asking him to comment on ME. I'm asking him to comment on the outfit.

I will also comment on DH's outfit. I made him go buy a new tie because he wanted to wear tie with a busy pattern with his pin-stripe suit and it just did not work.
He has long, very curly hair, and I will tell him if he's looking like a mad scientist or not. Sometimes mad scientist is fine, sometimes it means I want him to go pull his hair back. He's generally smart enough to know which situation it is.

My maid of honor was a naturally very skinny person. When we were talking wedding dresses, she sent me a picture of one with an empire waist that would have looked amazing on her (and it really was a very pretty gown), with a note that she thought it would look good on me. I wrote back and told her it was a lovely dress, but that empire waists made people without flat stomachs look pregnant, and since I wasn't pregnant, I did not want to look that way in my wedding pictures.

[qofcc]

So, here's the scenario. A married couple are getting ready to go out for the evening for the first time since their baby was born a couple months previously. The wife walks out of the closet and asks her husband, "How do I look?"

What response would I want?

If I the results were truly awful, I’d want to know about it in the nicest possible way. If someone is going to criticize me, I’d prefer a complement, then carefully worded constructive criticism.

EX. Your hair is gorgeous, but you could use a bit more under eye concealer. Or, love what the dress does for your boobs, but it looks a bit tight in the back. Maybe it would look better with a sweater or one of those spandex things under?

If it’s an important event and I’m trying on a dress a week ahead of time, feel free to say, sorry, but I just don’t think that’s flattering on you right now, but that’s not something I’d want to hear 10 minutes before we need to leave for a reunion or something.

[thyme4change]

When my husband asked "Am I fat?" I would answer "I love you no matter what."

I think honesty is overrated. If this hypothetical woman hasn't noticed that none of her clothes fit and she's carrying an extra 20 pounds, and her face is a mess, there isn't any reason to tell her. Let her live the dream.

In the famed words of Jack Donaghy "Wake a sleep walker, you risk getting urinated on."

If she is normal and not totally insane, she has noticed, and there is no need to reinforce it.

[thyme4change]

OMG. What's with those dresses that all women seem to have been wearing for the past few years? The ones that are form fitting only to right under your boobs and then balloon out like a tent? They make any woman look all fat and pregnant unless she's a uber-skinny supermodel type?

I don't know why young girls think this is a good look.

[aliciar6]

i would want to hear the truth, even if i am not going to like what i'm going to hear, i want him to always be honest with and i will do the same for him. FI and I have both agreed on that.

you can be truthful without being rude and hurtful.

[Sum Dum Gai]

I think honesty is overrated. If this hypothetical woman hasn't noticed that none of her clothes fit and she's carrying an extra 20 pounds, and her face is a mess, there isn't any reason to tell her. Let her live the dream.

Right? You'd have to be heartless ass to tell the truth. Tell her she looks smashing and go enjoy your date.

[Deleted]

like my man Ralphie May says, "guys, do you want to be happy - or do you want to be right?"

[midjd]

Jen, you chubby-chaser.

[Deleted]

People assume "honesty" means their subjective opinion. Having a subjective opinion doesn't mean you can use "honesty" as a means to smack someone's feelings around. And, calling someone "fat" will accomplish what exactly? Are they going to get thin in the next 30 seconds or what is the point other than to unload your own junk onto someone else at their expense? Asking an honest opinion about a situation or something like that fine. But, in general, it is sometimes just used to hurt people. And, i am just being honest when i say so. ;D

[Deleted]

May 10, 2012 13:45:15 GMT -5 midjd said:

Jen, you chubby-chaser.

I like feeling safe and secure - how's a twiggy guy gonna protect me from the big bad world?

[973beachbum]

May 10, 2012 13:42:45 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

like my man Ralphie May says, "guys, do you want to be happy - or do you want to be right?"

he's got that right!

It also works for woman too, just saying. ;D