midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,719
|
Post by midjd on May 10, 2012 13:27:14 GMT -5
Oh bullshit.
Who has car payments? BOTH of them. Who racked up the CC debt? BOTH of them. Who has student loans? BOTH of them. (Yes, hers are more, but he has them too). Who earns $45K/year? BOTH of them. Who likes to buy expensive gifts for family members? BOTH of them.
You make it sound like he earns all the money and she goes out and spends it... from his posts, he is in it as much as she is. Sure, she might goad him into some things, but he's an adult - he can say no if he wants. Pinning their financial situation ALL on her is a little unfair.
|
|
quotequeen
Well-Known Member
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 15:51:15 GMT -5
Posts: 1,448
|
Post by quotequeen on May 10, 2012 13:27:45 GMT -5
FB, yes, I do think that up until this shenenigan she was upfront with him. She seemed to be pretty open about wanting what she wanted and it never seemed to change. So, whether what she wanted/wants is right or wrong, he ALWAYS knew about it. She's also been up front about wanting new purses, furniture, etc. that they can't afford. But she's agreed to stick to a budget. If she suddenly came home with a new couch should he not be upset because she never hid the fact that she wanted it, even though she'd agreed not to buy it?
|
|
whoisjohngalt
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 9,140
|
Post by whoisjohngalt on May 10, 2012 13:28:11 GMT -5
Heck, I am almost guarantee you that if she came on here, the story would go something like this: I was used to A, B and C and my fiancee promised me the moon if I only compromised on A and guess what? He didn't deliver. And now wants me to compromise on B and C as well.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Sept 28, 2024 17:14:48 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 10, 2012 13:28:14 GMT -5
I just take issue with the part where he applies that description to my entire gender. It's sexist and unfair and frankly, I really think it's beneath him. Let's say, just for arguments sake, that you married a completely selfish brat. Would you rather; A) Admit that you had plenty of options and chose poorly B) Convince yourself that all women are that way anyway, so your choice was fine Which would be easier to live with on a daily basis? neither because if we split, I'd be convinced that there was no one better!
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,452
|
Post by Firebird on May 10, 2012 13:29:27 GMT -5
Did you say yes to a dog, no to a dog, yes to a dog, no to a dog? If he did bring a dog, would you have said "yay doggie, I'll call him Fluffy and love him forever"? Lena And if he did, would that justify her making such a big decision without making SURE it was okay with him when clearly he had been going back and forth before? Keep in mind, a baby is a much bigger deal than a dog. You can give a dog back, especially if you only just adopted it.
|
|
swasat
Senior Member
Joined: Apr 13, 2011 9:34:28 GMT -5
Posts: 3,735
|
Post by swasat on May 10, 2012 13:29:28 GMT -5
I just take issue with the part where he applies that description to my entire gender. It's sexist and unfair and frankly, I really think it's beneath him. Let's say, just for arguments sake, that you married a completely selfish brat. Would you rather; A) Admit that you had plenty of options and chose poorly B) Convince yourself that all women are that way anyway, so your choice was fine Which would be easier to live with on a daily basis? Dark !!! Love the way you put it.
|
|
Sum Dum Gai
Senior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 15:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 19,892
|
Post by Sum Dum Gai on May 10, 2012 13:29:42 GMT -5
Why marry someone if you're going to spend the rest of your life resenting them for (or trying to change) traits they've made no effort to hide? If you spend a small percentage of the time angry or resentful over certain behaviors but they're great the other 98% of the time, well... nobody is perfect. A relationship that's good 98% of the time is better than a lot of people have.
|
|
8 Bit WWBG
Administrator
Your Money admin
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 8:57:29 GMT -5
Posts: 9,322
Today's Mood: Mega
|
Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 10, 2012 13:31:02 GMT -5
...:::"To be fair neither party is making those goals a priority. I think carl has this idea that if they are financially ready, then he will feel emotionally ready for a kid. It doesn't work that way & you can always find reasons why you aren't ready.":::...
Sure! We've openly admitted that we "could" eat ramen, never go out, and get clothes at goodwill in order to get to our financial goals faster, but we don't want to because that lifestyle sucks. One wants to be good for a while, but being good is no fun so one has fun, but then has buyers remorse. Its all a big clusterfuck.
Which is why I came back to the fact that this is what he and I signed up for, and just need to march forward while keeping our guard up. They'll recover. They love each other. Just don't expect that even if she "agrees", that the agreement will last for long or at all.
|
|
whoisjohngalt
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 9,140
|
Post by whoisjohngalt on May 10, 2012 13:31:29 GMT -5
First of all, we don't really know what she agreed to. Second of all, at one point he agreed to have a baby now. And at another point he agreed to buy a house. He agreed to things too and changed his mind. Why can't she?
Also, if she wanted to have kids by 25, I find it hard to believe that he is just finding this out now, so again, she has been pretty open and consistent about what she wanted, he, on another hand, not so much.
Look, I think one point we ALL agree on - they need major counseling or something bc that relationship is far from healthy. I am just not in a "she did a bad bad thing' camp as much as others are
Lena
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,452
|
Post by Firebird on May 10, 2012 13:31:50 GMT -5
FB, yes, I do think that up until this shenenigan she was upfront with him. She seemed to be pretty open about wanting what she wanted and it never seemed to change.
Yeah, well, for me "this shenanigan" would pretty much negate even a perfect history of honesty. In fact, that would even be worse in a way - I knew my spouse to be an honest person, and they proved me wrong.
|
|
midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,719
|
Post by midjd on May 10, 2012 13:31:53 GMT -5
Yeah, but if the other 2% is enough to dictate your (negative) opinion of an entire gender... well, maybe the spouse is only being awful 2% of the time, but I think it's taking more than 2% of a toll on the relationship, you know what I'm saying?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Sept 28, 2024 17:14:48 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 10, 2012 13:32:57 GMT -5
This goes back to my overall belief which is, more income solves all problems.
|
|
Opti
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 10:45:38 GMT -5
Posts: 42,228
Location: New Jersey
Mini-Profile Name Color: c28523
Mini-Profile Text Color: 990033
Member is Online
|
Post by Opti on May 10, 2012 13:33:02 GMT -5
I just take issue with the part where he applies that description to my entire gender. It's sexist and unfair and frankly, I really think it's beneath him. Let's say, just for arguments sake, that you married a completely selfish brat. Would you rather; A) Admit that you had plenty of options and chose poorly B) Convince yourself that all women are that way anyway, so your choice was fine Which would be easier to live with on a daily basis? I think its bigger than B) though. You have to ignore what it is in you that makes you attracted to selfish people.
|
|
Angel!
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:44:08 GMT -5
Posts: 10,722
|
Post by Angel! on May 10, 2012 13:33:25 GMT -5
Others may disagree with me but if to me if you are tracking and then having sex in that window you have decided to make an active attempt to get pregnant. It's no "oops". I'm not sure how anyone could disagree. I think having unprotected sex during your fertile period, while knowing it was your fertile period, would be the definition of trying.
|
|
8 Bit WWBG
Administrator
Your Money admin
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 8:57:29 GMT -5
Posts: 9,322
Today's Mood: Mega
|
Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 10, 2012 13:33:30 GMT -5
...:::"I don't know any woman that would willingly not have sex....here's a little secret, we like it too!":::...
Thanks for the laugh.
|
|
justme
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 10, 2012 13:12:47 GMT -5
Posts: 14,618
|
Post by justme on May 10, 2012 13:33:59 GMT -5
Because the old saying is "I love them in spite of their flaws" I hate the saying, it's just asking to let resentment sneak in. I've always said "I love them because of their flaws, or at the very least don't hate their flaws."
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Sept 28, 2024 17:14:48 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 10, 2012 13:34:23 GMT -5
This goes back to my overall belief which is, more income solves all problems. yeah, but mo' money, mo' problems. It's a vicious cycle.
|
|
|
Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on May 10, 2012 13:35:03 GMT -5
...:::"I don't know any woman that would willingly not have sex....here's a little secret, we like it too!":::... Thanks for the laugh. If you truly believe that WWBG, I feel sorry for you.
|
|
swasat
Senior Member
Joined: Apr 13, 2011 9:34:28 GMT -5
Posts: 3,735
|
Post by swasat on May 10, 2012 13:35:15 GMT -5
...:::"I don't know any woman that would willingly not have sex....here's a little secret, we like it too!":::... Thanks for the laugh. Yeah yeah we all know that ALL women HATE sex, ALL women have image issues just because YOUR wife puts out so little. What a bunch of crap you dish out WWBG!!
|
|
quotequeen
Well-Known Member
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 15:51:15 GMT -5
Posts: 1,448
|
Post by quotequeen on May 10, 2012 13:35:26 GMT -5
Second of all, at one point he agreed to have a baby now. And at another point he agreed to buy a house. He agreed to things too and changed his mind. Why can't she? Seriously? She has every right to change her mind - and then have a conversation with him about it and tell him that even though she agreed before she's no longer ok with it and they need to revisit. She has NO right to decide unilaterally to throw their agreement out the window and LIE to her husband in an attempt to TRICK him into giving her what she agreed not to have.
|
|
Opti
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 10:45:38 GMT -5
Posts: 42,228
Location: New Jersey
Mini-Profile Name Color: c28523
Mini-Profile Text Color: 990033
Member is Online
|
Post by Opti on May 10, 2012 13:37:42 GMT -5
Why marry someone if you're going to spend the rest of your life resenting them for (or trying to change) traits they've made no effort to hide? If you spend a small percentage of the time angry or resentful over certain behaviors but they're great the other 98% of the time, well... nobody is perfect. A relationship that's good 98% of the time is better than a lot of people have. Agreed. But certain posters read like the split might be closer to 60% good, 40% bad. Better than 50/50 but kind of leaning to dismal nevertheless. On the other hand, perhaps they had really bad childhoods and this is a vast improvement?
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,452
|
Post by Firebird on May 10, 2012 13:38:38 GMT -5
True, separate issues. There need to be a LOT of discussions. But I can see the conversation going, "Well, I wouldn't have tricked you if you hadn't kept pushing back kids and changing your mind..." For Mrs. C., the two issues may be very related.
And as long as she can successfully make her lying about what he did or didn't do, she wins.
|
|
whoisjohngalt
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 9,140
|
Post by whoisjohngalt on May 10, 2012 13:38:48 GMT -5
QQ, your argument makes sense in a vacuum, but not necessarily in that relationship.
|
|
Angel!
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:44:08 GMT -5
Posts: 10,722
|
Post by Angel! on May 10, 2012 13:40:01 GMT -5
...:::"I don't know any woman that would willingly not have sex....here's a little secret, we like it too!":::... Thanks for the laugh. Poor WWBG, I feel bad that you actually think it is a joke that woman like sex. But, as you'be said on this thread - you knew what you had going in. Maybe Dark's theory applies to your opinions on woman wanting sex too.
|
|
Opti
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 10:45:38 GMT -5
Posts: 42,228
Location: New Jersey
Mini-Profile Name Color: c28523
Mini-Profile Text Color: 990033
Member is Online
|
Post by Opti on May 10, 2012 13:41:58 GMT -5
...:::"I don't know any woman that would willingly not have sex....here's a little secret, we like it too!":::... Thanks for the laugh. If you truly believe that WWBG, I feel sorry for you. He married one who apparently doesn't. We don't know if she was never with someone who really made her feel good or whether she just has a naturally low desire. What we do know is he intentionally married a woman with a low libido.
|
|
midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,719
|
Post by midjd on May 10, 2012 13:42:07 GMT -5
You're being awfully generous. Cawaiu has said some positive things (not in this thread, but others) but I cannot recall a single time WWBG has said ANYTHING positive about his wife other than "she's better than she used to be." And it does make me sad, for both of them. WWBG deserves a woman who makes him believe that all women are great, not selfish - and his wife deserves someone who loves her for who she is, not who someone else wants her to be.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 10, 2012 13:43:31 GMT -5
Second of all, at one point he agreed to have a baby now. And at another point he agreed to buy a house. He agreed to things too and changed his mind. Why can't she? Seriously? She has every right to change her mind - and then have a conversation with him about it and tell him that even though she agreed before she's no longer ok with it and they need to revisit. She has NO right to decide unilaterally to throw their agreement out the window and LIE to her husband in an attempt to TRICK him into giving her what she agreed not to have. I agree. Change your mind all you want. AND THEN TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE! See what they're thinking and reach a decision together on the next step, whatever it is. Some conversations are NOT easy to have but that doesn't mean you shouldn't have them.
|
|
whoisjohngalt
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 9,140
|
Post by whoisjohngalt on May 10, 2012 13:44:03 GMT -5
|
|
midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,719
|
Post by midjd on May 10, 2012 13:44:11 GMT -5
It shouldn't be about "winning"... it should be about them reaching a decision they can both live with, and figuring out how to come to these decisions in the future without one person saying "this is how it's gonna be, end of story" or one person going behind the other's back.
This isn't going to be the first or the last time they disagree... neither seems to have the tools to constructively handle these disagreements, which is why I think counseling is a good idea. Even if they end up breaking up (and I don't think they will) they'll need these tools for future relationships, or will end up right back in the same patterns.
|
|
|
Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on May 10, 2012 13:46:00 GMT -5
If you truly believe that WWBG, I feel sorry for you. He married one who apparently doesn't. We don't know if she was never with someone who really made her feel good or whether she just has a naturally low desire. What we do know is he intentionally married a woman with a low libido. Yeah, which makes me wonder if this is his only experience with other women as well, only WWBG is the common denominator.
|
|