I've become mean or something...

[kdamron]

I need advice regarding kids, and I know that I'll never be taken seriously on EE and the relationship boards seem a little dead, so be patient for a minute while I find a way to toss in something semi-money related...

As some of you may know, I have two minor stepdaughters. I have for the most part gotten along with them well. I find myself now in the odd situation of not being the way I used to be with them. I find myself being a little stingy, maybe in general un-generous and I don't know why.

I see them react with her mom's boyfriend and they interact totally different. He calls them 'baby' and talks to them like a dad. I call them 'sweetie' and talk to them like a mini adult. I don't know why I can't seem to take on a more 'parental' role.

I find myself begrudging things I never did before (like taking them for mani-pedi's and paying for it out of my money and not joint money). I don't know why I've become this way. Being un-generous is not usually in my nature (the old YM M&M thread notwithstanding...)

Is this normal? Do "real" parents get into these funks? If you were a stepchild how did you deal with stepparents and what do you wish had been better/different?

Okay - I'm ready to be flamed, but some constructive criticism would be nice...

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

If the issue is having to use "your" money what about setting up "kid fun money" from joint account? Then you are both paying for stuff for the kids.

[zibazinski]

I think you go thu this even with bio children. I'm very annoyed with DFs daughter because of her treatment of him. But even my own DD can take the cake sometimes and I get exasperated with her. Don't beat yourself up over this. You're a good parent.

[Angel!]

Is it possible this really isn't a kid issue, but a relationship/money issue with your DH?

I don't really know much about your situation, but if you often feel like you are sacrificing more or doing more than your fair share, then there would eventually be a breaking point & this may be it.

Just the way you said you were wanting pay for the mani-pedi's from joint money made me think this. Why shouldn't some of their treats come from joint money? Seems reasonable depending on the situation & other factors.

[CarolinaKat]

It does sound like money issues insted of relationship issues. You didn't mention not wanting to spend time with them or being unhappy with how they're growing up or their respect for you has changed.

Also, so people talk to children like they're less than human, some talk to them like they are adults, and some talk to them like they're children. In my childhood I always liked the 2nd group myself. If you're not talking to them differently than you have been, why would it be a problem?

[kdamron]

Maybe it is a money issue, I don't know. The thing is that I suddenly feel mean (stingy?) about the things I used to feel generous with. I sometimes don't know how to relate to them. I don't know if I'm supposed to be friend or parent or what...

Maybe it's just an I need a therapy problem...

[zibazinski]

You are in a tough place. It is not easy being a step parent. All our kids are grown and it isn't easy.

[chen35]

I've found that with my step kids different ages are easier for me to relate to. Is it possible that they are getting to an age that you just aren't that comfortable/familiar with? I find the 8 - 10 and the 12 - 13 age group incredibly awkward for some reason...

[Deleted]

I don't know about other "real" parents. But, for this real parent, of course there are ups and downs. There was a time when my oldest son was young that he was just did a lot of things that seemed annoying, irritating, etc. And, that doesn't mean you don't feel that way. We all do. But, the real issue is what to do about it. Decide how it is you really want be toward them and start acting the part even if it doesn't feel natural. It takes time to behave your way to success.
As for money, forget about it. Money comes and goes. You can never own it, it can only own you. And, at the end of your life, the last thing you are going to think about is money. Right now what matters is the relationships right in front of you. Cultivate and water those.

[milee]

Could just be a coincidence or could be something to look into - but it appears that every time you describe an issue with your stepchildren, you do so framing it as a comparison to what the bio mom and her husband - the kids' step dad - do and how they relate to the kids.

Total oversimplification, I know, but you might find it easier to have a better relationship with the kids if you aren't so focused on how your relationship stacks up against that of the "other" parents.

If it becomes all about you and your relationship to the kids, you won't feel any pressure to do or spend in ways that you're not comfy with so you'll be able to give (or not give) freely.

[kindthatjingles]

My own kids get me a little rattled sometimes...

I did away with allowances for the near future until they straighten out the attitude.

They don't appreciate the little things anymore because they come to expect it, Ice cream after the park etc... If it isn't a DS game or Thomas huge train set they think I am being mean....

You sound a a lot nicer than their step-mom to be. She buys her daughter stuff and doesn't get them anything at all. I am talking about going to MC'D and getting daughter Happy Meal and making my kids eat at home to save money...

[midjd]

Your SDs are pre-teens/early teens, right? I think it's difficult enough to relate to kids that age, bio or not

I remember your previous threads, and it seems like you've bent over backwards to try to make things easier for them with their mother's recent financial issues. Could some of the problem be that they seem to relate to their mother's BF better even though it's been you who has been trying so hard to have a good relationship? I can definitely understand feeling "stingy" if it seems like your past sacrifices haven't been appreciated - not sure if this is the case (again, typical with girls that age, I speak from experience ) I don't think it makes you a bad stepmother or a bad person whatsoever.

[zibazinski]

True enough. Now that DD is grown and the EX weaseled out of paying child support, he is freaking generous with her. It hurts me as I can't compete and I resent it and her.

[kdamron]

Thank you for all of the responses. I think sometimes I do have a bit of a complex about not being a 'natural parent' if that makes any sense. I try to stack up per se, but then I feel like I get run over. I want to be able to chat easily with them and that has changed a bit. More with the 10 year old I guess, the 13 year old is well...13 you know?

[zibazinski]

It makes perfect sense.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I see them react with her mom's boyfriend and they interact totally different. He calls them 'baby' and talks to them like a dad. I call them 'sweetie' and talk to them like a mini adult. I don't know why I can't seem to take on a more 'parental' role.

What does "talk to them like a dad" even mean?

I used to talk baby talk with Gwen. Dh felt like a total idiot doing it. Doesn't mean he isn't getting into parenting, it means he doesn't get into baby talk.

I think you need to stop looking at others for how to be "parental". That is when you start setting yourself up for failure.

When I compare myself other moms I start to get hard on myself because I don't do what they do, I don't feel the way they say they do. I start thinking I am a failure as a parent.

What matters is your relationship with the kids. If you have a good relationship with them (which it sounds like you do) then you are doing fine.

Everyone has a different relationship with their kids. You're relationship with the step kids is different than the boyfriend's. That is okay.

[kdamron]

Mid - I probably am a little hurt that I try to do so much and it seems like they like the other household better. I think that is natural with kids (especially girls) that they gravitate to their mother, I just feel myself 'closing off' a bit and that worries me. I don't want to do something I can't undo.

My brain totally gets it (well most of it ) but my feelings get hurt.

[kdamron]

DQ - I guess I think he relates to them more 'parental' and yeah, that sounds totally stupid. I'm still certain there's a 'real parent manual' out there and nobody's letting me in on it...

[midjd]

I completely understand. But you're right - it is totally natural for kids to "like" one parent better at certain stages. I'd say given their ages and the fact that they're both girls makes even more sense for them to gravitate toward their mother right now (and maybe they feel some guilt about her financial situation? Or that they want to make her feel better?) They'll come back around.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I'm still certain there's a 'real parent manual' out there and nobody's letting me in on it...

Trust me there isn't one. If there was one I am sure they would have sent me home from the hospital with it.

I make this stuff up as I go along and hope I don't have to pay for therapy latter.

[Peace Of Mind]

May 2, 2012 14:06:57 GMT -5 kdamron said:

Maybe it is a money issue, I don't know. The thing is that I suddenly feel mean (stingy?) about the things I used to feel generous with. I sometimes don't know how to relate to them. I don't know if I'm supposed to be friend or parent or what...

Maybe it's just an I need a therapy problem...

Could it be that you were trying to win them over by buying them stuff or giving them money and now you resent it because they don't appreciate your past generosity? I don't know your situation, but I've seen this happen with other step parents and they didn't feel the step kids were grateful for what they did and their attitude changed because of it.

[Peace Of Mind]

May 2, 2012 14:20:50 GMT -5 kdamron said:

Mid - I probably am a little hurt that I try to do so much and it seems like they like the other household better. I think that is natural with kids (especially girls) that they gravitate to their mother, I just feel myself 'closing off' a bit and that worries me. I don't want to do something I can't undo.

My brain totally gets it (well most of it ) but my feelings get hurt.

Oops - I just got to this part. You said it better than I did.

[kdamron]

POM - you are probably right in what you said about wanting to 'win them over' - I think somewhere in my mind I'm seeing this as a contest and it shouldn't be - I want to get my focus back where it needs to be, on being the best parent (step or otherwise) that I can be and help to raise two beautiful, intelligent, money savvy kids...

[zibazinski]

You are doing fine. Just breathe.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I want to get my focus back where it needs to be, on being the best parent (step or otherwise) that I can be and help to raise two beautiful, intelligent, money savvy kids...

Well you're over half way there just with that. Many natural parents don't even get that far.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

As a bio parent and a step parent, I'd say it might just be a phase. Right now the Bio-mother's BF is cool. Tomorrow they may totally hate him and be your new BFF's. They're teen and pre-teen, girls, kids of divorced parents, step-children -- there is ALL kinds of possibility for manipulation in your galaxy, LOL.

Don't buy into it. Don't read anything into it. Don't compare yourself (cuz that will just drive you crazy). Just be who you are. You have a role in their lives. If you can be consistent in that role and not constantly adapt it to the natural ebb and flow of their attention, then you'll be doing them a huge favor. They NEED to be able to count on some constancy. Be the constancy, even if it doesn't necessarily make you the most popular. No matter what, do NOT become a "treat parent" who buys every little thing their heart desires. THAT is NOT normal. THAT is not good parenting. THAT will only turn them into brats.

Seriously, it is quite likely that next week the Bio-Mom and BF will be the target of their teenage grumpiness and you'll be looking for a break from them, LOL, LOL, LOL.

[Peace Of Mind]

May 2, 2012 14:42:40 GMT -5 kdamron said:

POM - you are probably right in what you said about wanting to 'win them over' - I think somewhere in my mind I'm seeing this as a contest and it shouldn't be - I want to get my focus back where it needs to be, on being the best parent (step or otherwise) that I can be and help to raise two beautiful, intelligent, money savvy kids...

kdamron - I think most of us have done that or do that. I used to be a step parent years ago with my first DH. I treated them like "people" (his son was 10 and DH's little sister was 16 (he had custody of her too) ) and talked to them like I would an adult but also as a parent. My step son told me I did more for him in the first 2 years I had him than his mom did his entire life. Be patient and honest with them and you will be surprised how things will change. That's all they want. Somebody to respect them and treat them honestly while loving them. Even the SIL (I heard) talks about things I did for her that she didn't appreciate at the time. I left after 6 years though. But I remained there for him until his 20's and he went in the service. I remarried and moved and lost touch.

You are doing a great thing so don't be so hard on yourself. (((Hugs)))

[daisylu]

I find myself begrudging things I never did before (like taking them for mani-pedi's and paying for it out of my money and not joint money). I don't know why I've become this way. Being un-generous is not usually in my nature (the old YM M&M thread notwithstanding...)

Is this normal? Do "real" parents get into these funks? If you were a stepchild how did you deal with stepparents and what do you wish had been better/different?

I remember your Christmas thread mostly, and the mom's financial issues, so I believe that it is a phase. It is strange to me that they would like new BF talking to them like they are children. My DD(13) would not be into that AT ALL. But, it is also just probably something new to them.

Maybe I am not normal either, but I am going through something sort of similar with my kids. DS is 10YO and DD is 13YO. I have been feeling unappreciated by my kids for a couple of months now. They are not disrespectful, and I really do not know how to explain what they are doing (or maybe not doing) that has put me in this funk but I found myself having a similar a reaction similar to your's.

With DD, I am putting it on her growing up. We have always been extremely close, and we are transitioning to a new phase of our relationship. I remember going through it with my own mom, so I know it will be OK.

[Angel!]

May 2, 2012 14:14:31 GMT -5 kindthatjingles said:

You sound a a lot nicer than their step-mom to be. She buys her daughter stuff and doesn't get them anything at all. I am talking about going to MC'D and getting daughter Happy Meal and making my kids eat at home to save money...

Jeez that is horrible. How does a person even do that to a kid? Are they seriously so dense to not realize they are hurting a kid's feelings, or do they just not care?

[zibazinski]

Plus, they could be trying out their flirt techniques on him. Can't on their dad but the boyfriend is safe.