I've become mean or something...

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

May 2, 2012 14:51:19 GMT -5 daisylu said:

I find myself begrudging things I never did before (like taking them for mani-pedi's and paying for it out of my money and not joint money). I don't know why I've become this way. Being un-generous is not usually in my nature (the old YM M&M thread notwithstanding...)

Is this normal? Do "real" parents get into these funks? If you were a stepchild how did you deal with stepparents and what do you wish had been better/different?

I remember your Christmas thread mostly, and the mom's financial issues, so I believe that it is a phase. It is strange to me that they would like new BF talking to them like they are children. My DD(13) would not be into that AT ALL. But, it is also just probably something new to them.

Maybe I am not normal either, but I am going through something sort of similar with my kids. DS is 10YO and DD is 13YO. I have been feeling unappreciated by my kids for a couple of months now. They are not disrespectful, and I really do not know how to explain what they are doing (or maybe not doing) that has put me in this funk but I found myself having a similar a reaction similar to your's.

With DD, I am putting it on her growing up. We have always been extremely close, and we are transitioning to a new phase of our relationship. I remember going through it with my own mom, so I know it will be OK.

I come from a large extended family. My oldest cousin is in her 60s with kids in their 30s. She sees us younger cousins going through these phases with our kids and offers really good advice: "They're (our children) just doing what *they* need to do so that *we* (parents) will do what we need to do (i.e., let go)."

I'm not trying to say it's easy, but I guess kids are biologically programmed to push us away. If it means they'll move out for good by the time they hit 30, I'm all for it. ;D

[Deleted]

May 2, 2012 14:14:31 GMT -5 kindthatjingles said:

You sound a a lot nicer than their step-mom to be. She buys her daughter stuff and doesn't get them anything at all. I am talking about going to MC'D and getting daughter Happy Meal and making my kids eat at home to save money...

Little does she know that she is actually benefiting your kids in the long run!

[Timberwolf]

kdamron,

I'm in the same boat you are. If this helps, there is no manual on how to be a stepparent, either. I have 4 step kids (no natural-born kids), and the relationship is different with each one of them and tends to change sometimes for no apparent reason. I used to be just like you about how to relate to them (ie, act like a "real" parent, a friend, or whatever) but I finally figured out that the best way for me to act was as their Dad's wife. They already have a mom and like it or not you're not it. You have no obligation to buy them anything, and if you do it anyway you'll probably just resent it. I am also a step child so I know this "step" thing from both sides. I realized when I got older that I didn't treat my stepfather all that nice, but I was 12 or 13 when my mother remarried and I was just a kid so didn't think much about it. I apologized for being a "rotten" kid when I got older. I think it's fine to distance yourself from the step kids when things get too intense, just be civil and it will all work out fine in time.

[Wisconsin Beth]

May 2, 2012 14:22:34 GMT -5 kdamron said:

DQ - I guess I think he relates to them more 'parental' and yeah, that sounds totally stupid. I'm still certain there's a 'real parent manual' out there and nobody's letting me in on it...

What, wait. There's a manual???!! Hell.
<Beth scrambles to get to a fresh tab to start searching for it.>

[Wisconsin Beth]

I know Karaboo has a blog where she talks about stepparenting. It's whoorwhatwasthat.wordpress.com/ Don't know if it will help you at all.

[kdamron]

POM - thanks!!!
Daisylu - you hit a chord, I do feel better having put this out here and realizing that everybody has their ebbs and flows
Goldenrulegirl - excellent points all, you're right be constant
Kindthatjingles - I agree with Angel how awful!!!

Thank you all - let me hit page 2 for more...

[kdamron]

Wisbeth - thanks for the link and if you find the manual send me a copy!

Timberwolf - I have often bought them things and never resented it, that's why my suddenly feeling that way bothers me. I make good money and I don't ever want them to feel that I don't value them enough to do special things for them - because I do.

[Deleted]

It is natural as a parent and as a stepparent.

When my step-daughter was just entering HS she wanted to come live with us. We had just moved back to the same state and she wanted to spend more time with us than just summers. Her mom told her if she comes home, when she graduates they will give her one of their houses (they own 5) of course DSD decided to stay with mom. At first my feelings were really hurt and it felt like our whole relationship changed for awhile. I couldn't compete with a house nor was I willing to even try. I just had to get over myself and realize that the most important thing was for me to just be the best parent/step parent I could be without bribing her. Come to find out, the mom was just as jealous of our relationship as I was of their relationship. She was extremely jealous of my adventurous spirit and that DH and I did all kinds of new things with DSD. Her mom is scared of her own shadow and doesn't take DSD out to do many things. She was trying to compete the only way she knew how....bribery.

DSD and I have a great relationship. I just had to let our relationship ebb and flow without getting my feelings hurt. She texts me about 10 times a day. She is coming to live with us June 4th and going to Italy with us. She is 17 and an amazing kid. I think we all did a great job with her! (I have been her step mom since she was 2!)

[Timberwolf]

I suspect it's not a money issue then. The times I've felt resentment toward them are usually only when I feel they have totally blown me off, which has happened on occasion. I think you will do yourself a favor not to take it too personally.

[kdamron]

ImAnAngel - I think my feelings are hurt and more I think they don't even realize it. They're kids. This board always reminds me that I need to suck it up and become the adult.

Timberwolf - you're right, I feel blown off and it's hurting my feelings.

I need to let go. I have a bad tendency to always try and be 'perfect' and sometimes living with the reality that I'm not is a bummer...

[KaraBoo]

Thanks Beth for the shoutout!

kdamron - I know exactly how you feel. It's hard, so hard, being a step-parent. On one hand, I attempt to treat my stepkids just like I do my own son. On the other hand, I've been examining my self since the meltdown on Sunday with my step-son and have come to the conclusion that I haven't been. Not because I don't want to, but in many ways, I'm not "allowed" to - not by them and not by their mom (DH loves everything that I do for his kids).

There is a wall there that I will never be able to scale because of the barrier put up by them (step-kids and Bio-mom). I think I have decided that I don't need to scale it. What I need to do is be me and only worry about being me. I know I love my stepkids - them saying they hate me and their mom villianizing me is their problem to deal with, not mine. I have decided that I will continue to be the best mom and step-mom I know how to be to ALL of "my" kids.

Figure out what role you want to play in your step-kids lives and as long as you are doing it from a place of honest intent - you will be fine.

[Deleted]

May 2, 2012 14:22:34 GMT -5 kdamron said:

DQ - I guess I think he relates to them more 'parental' and yeah, that sounds totally stupid. I'm still certain there's a 'real parent manual' out there and nobody's letting me in on it...

A non bio male step-dad calling pre-teen girls "baby" sounds more like a predator than a parent. Creeps me out to be honest.

Jealously that they like being at the other home is not healthy for you. Somehow you are comparing and deciding you are 'not liked'. Your role is not as a parent, but a stable adult role model that loves their dad. I'd be a little worried how you will react when they start shrieking "I hate you" and "you ruined my life" at you. They are teenage girls, it will come. It won't be deserved, but then you will know that you really are a parent ;D

[Deleted]

My 11 year old already thinks I am ruining her life.

[Deleted]

Well, then you are doing a great job Ima!

I have been ruining my kids' lives for years!

[kdamron]

May 2, 2012 23:11:27 GMT -5 KaraBoo said:

Thanks Beth for the shoutout!

kdamron - I know exactly how you feel. It's hard, so hard, being a step-parent. On one hand, I attempt to treat my stepkids just like I do my own son. On the other hand, I've been examining my self since the meltdown on Sunday with my step-son and have come to the conclusion that I haven't been. Not because I don't want to, but in many ways, I'm not "allowed" to - not by them and not by their mom (DH loves everything that I do for his kids).

There is a wall there that I will never be able to scale because of the barrier put up by them (step-kids and Bio-mom). I think I have decided that I don't need to scale it. What I need to do is be me and only worry about being me. I know I love my stepkids - them saying they hate me and their mom villianizing me is their problem to deal with, not mine. I have decided that I will continue to be the best mom and step-mom I know how to be to ALL of "my" kids.

Figure out what role you want to play in your step-kids lives and as long as you are doing it from a place of honest intent - you will be fine.

That makes so much sense!! I want to play the role of step-parent whatever that is. Part friend/part parent maybe?

[bookkeeper]

I don't have step children, but I watched my husband give our two children dirt bikes, fast cars, guitars all the stuff he wanted when he was young but his parents could no way afford. Those teenage years were tough. My husband thought the gifts should make the boys behave better and respect us more, when in fact they were just thinking of the next thing to ask for.

Effective parenting requires that you are not their friend. If you need to spend money to get them to like you or behave as required, you are headed down a long, slippery slope.

Concentrate on being their parent. Be the steadfast person in their life who loves them, supports them and acts as a role model. When the ugly tween/teenage years are over, you will see the reward.

It is tough when teens don't treat you as you think they should, but most children grow up and out of it. Work toward the future relationship you will have with your step children. You may just find they come around in the mean time. Spend what you feel comfortable with. Most children will value relationships and time spent with a parent over stuff in the long run.

[happyhoix]

Teen years are hard, especially with girls.

[kdamron]

Funny, but lately I get along better with the 13 yo (at least when she's not acting too 13!). The 10 yo has gotten a little distant. We had softball last night and I made an extra point of engaging her and she responded well. I think maybe I've let my fear make me timid.

I know they're just kids, but sometimes I think it'd be easier to face an axe murderer...

[kdamron]

May 3, 2012 0:03:13 GMT -5 @rockit said:

May 2, 2012 14:22:34 GMT -5 kdamron said:

DQ - I guess I think he relates to them more 'parental' and yeah, that sounds totally stupid. I'm still certain there's a 'real parent manual' out there and nobody's letting me in on it...

A non bio male step-dad calling pre-teen girls "baby" sounds more like a predator than a parent. Creeps me out to be honest.

Jealously that they like being at the other home is not healthy for you. Somehow you are comparing and deciding you are 'not liked'. Your role is not as a parent, but a stable adult role model that loves their dad. I'd be a little worried how you will react when they start shrieking "I hate you" and "you ruined my life" at you. They are teenage girls, it will come. It won't be deserved, but then you will know that you really are a parent ;D

Actually, when they start screaming "I hate you and you ruined my life" at least I'll know I'm having an impact...

[zibazinski]

Also, remember, if they grow up to be axe murderers, it isn't YOUR fault. That's a perk.

[KaraBoo]

May 3, 2012 13:09:27 GMT -5 kdamron said:

May 3, 2012 0:03:13 GMT -5 @rockit said:

A non bio male step-dad calling pre-teen girls "baby" sounds more like a predator than a parent. Creeps me out to be honest.

Jealously that they like being at the other home is not healthy for you. Somehow you are comparing and deciding you are 'not liked'. Your role is not as a parent, but a stable adult role model that loves their dad. I'd be a little worried how you will react when they start shrieking "I hate you" and "you ruined my life" at you. They are teenage girls, it will come. It won't be deserved, but then you will know that you really are a parent ;D

Actually, when they start screaming "I hate you and you ruined my life" at least I'll know I'm having an impact...

LOL! When that happens the first time, really throw them for a loop and start laughing (that's what I did).

I told them, "Good! Right now I hate you too! I hate your attitude. But that's not going to change the fact that I'm not your friend and I'm not changing my mind about saying No (or whatever it is they are telling me they hate me about). I still love you, but the attitude's got to go!"

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Actually, when they start screaming "I hate you and you ruined my life" at least I'll know I'm having an impact...

My dad used to say "You're welcome". ;D