How did you know your man was cheating?

[naggie1972]

Okay maybe he isn't. I think it might be my mind going on me and the stress of the last 6 months. I "think" he may have been getting some "extra" attention though. We have been married for 20 years so we have had our times of business where we have barely said hello to one another before one of us has to run. I might add that some of the things stated as "tells" I am guilty of and I am certainly not and never had an affair. Maybe we are just a strange couple. Hmmm, I think it is going to get worse before it gets better as he is coming up to that "middle age" age. Oh I don't know what to think anymore, he could be having a fling and maybe I just don't want to see it.

[achelois]

I hope he is not, but "hope for the best; plan for the worst". It is very common for guys to have this midlife crisis. I was married 22 years when my ex started his.

Just keep your eyes open. Sorry you are going thru so much stress financially and otherwise.

[Deleted]

naggie, with some of the other posts you have put up lately, it seems like there are significant stressors in your life & marriage now. Not saying your gut is wrong, but be careful as all that other stuff could really be skewing how you are feeling and what you are interpreting.

Also, if you think he is cheating and want to know, why not ask a trusted friend to check his restaurant outings? I would not suggest you try to play detective yourself at this point.

But, honestly, if you are not seeing big unexplained cash withdrawals from your bank account, or charges on the credit card, then it is unlikely he is courting someone else. You may want to pull one of the free annual credit reports on him and you to see if there are any credit card accounts that you don't know about (my ex had a secret CC that was addressed to his business office, so I never knew about it).

Your DH is in a leadership position, and unfortunately that means there are more corporate demands & events with face-time that he has to do on 'his time'. Been there, done that, and you suck as a parent & spouse while you are dancing to the corporate will. But until you are in a very solid financial position, with EF and investments, savings, etc - you can't really blow off what corporate wants from you.

[pepper112765]

Your gut or intuition or whatever you want to call it, should not be ignored. However, I wouldn't go looking for "evidence" until I knew for sure exactly what I would do when confronted with the worse case scenario. In my mind, there are only two choices; stay or go. So one would initially need to have some sort of plan.

[Chocolate Lover]

I walked in on it.

[Peace Of Mind]

Jan 11, 2012 16:05:00 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

My man was spending an inordinate amount of time chatting to people on an online message board. That is when I knew.

Me too. Wait?! My man is cheating?! Or am I?

Archie - How YOU doin'?

Naggie - If you really suspect this just hire a PI. Don't speculate. It may make you nuts.

[naggie1972]

Damn CL, that fuxxing sucks. Yeah rockin, there could be a lot of truth in what you post. I am getting some feedback from others and I am going to let it go for a couple of weeks. I think it is just major stress city right now.

Achelois, you have certainly created a better you but you already know that you are my hero here.

[achelois]

It gets better with time.

I was so angry when the girlfriend's mother called that I could have killed my ex had he been there. I truly think I may have tried.

Now, after nine years distance, I am starting to see a little humor in it. He was such a schmuck. The GF actually did me a favor. It doesnt hurt that he is still in the same old financial mess, while I ...am not!

[Miss Tequila]

Message deleted by mmhmm. If something's in your face you don't like, move your face. Seriously, let's cut it out with this kind of stuff, miss tequila. We've already addressed it once.

[Miss Tequila]

Sometimes it is better you never know that he was cheating because he will kick the **** to the curb. So long as Little Miss Witch doesn't have AIDs, and you love him, why should she win? And as for her, she knows what she is. A disgrace.

And the cheater is a prize?? Talk about misplaced anger....

[weltschmerz]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.





What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.

But instead, I found him all by himself in the living room watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just fell over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[naggie1972]

I will be sure to look in the freezer first.

[kdamron]

Cell phone bill. That and changes in grooming habits. Good luck.

[Artemis Windsong]

I poured my heart out in a similar thread started by DebMD.

We are still married but you have no idea what I have to overcome every morning to keep going forward.

[Artemis Windsong]

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater’. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of s**t.

Women are Angels.
And when someone breaks our wings,
we simply continue to fly... on a broomstick.
We are flexible like that.

[thyme4change]

I had a boyfriend who opted not to be exclusive with me - without notifying me. I found out because he called me her name. Of course, our names were the same, which was even weirder. I asked him straight up one day "Did you get a blow job today?" And after scolding me for being so crass, and me countering that he did not answer the question, and that went on for awhile - he knew he was backed into a corner, because he wouldn't have spent 20 minutes critizing my word choice if the answer was "no." At some point I didn't really need the answer - I just thought it was awesome to watch him squirm around. 6 months later he called me from out of the blue and the first words out of my mouth were "So, you finally got dumped by the other girl and now you think calling me is a good idea?" We pretty much had the same 20 minute debate about my harsh word choices. Blah, blah, blah - if you weren't such a scumbag, my feelings would be too hurt to treat you like trash.

BTW - this guy didn't think I was christian enough for him. My morales were too loose.

[ZaireinHD]

on the Maury show
sometimes the other woman would call you and tell you
I'm FN your man and you need to stay away!

[menancy]

I didn't know he was! I guess one way to find out is through these boards. I'm going to get his a$$ out of bed and give him hell right now. Thanks for letting me know.

[formerroomate99]

When he proposed to another girl in front of me and my friends 36 hours after breaking up with me. Thankfully, we hadn't been together that long.

[naggie1972]

That fricking sucks former, what an athe. Right now I am past caring and don't give a rats patootie. Thanks for all the hints and tips. I think it is important to hear what I heard from those who have been in that position, unfortunately I don't think it means it is not difficult to deal with. Sorry to all you out there that this happened to, my heart breaks with you.

[8 Bit WWBG]

I just want to say that when you are looking for red flags, ANYTHING can resemble a red flag. If you want to see red flags, you'll find them.

[8 Bit WWBG]

Also, for what its worth, a great question to ask is: "am I doing anything that would motivate him to cheat?"

I always found it irritating that most people gasp in horror at the mention of cheating, but do not give any consideration to the string of events that got them there. In many cases, there is plenty of blame to go around for BOTH partners.

Yes, there are some people who are just serial cheaters and can't help themselves no matter how good they have it. But if you want to know if your partner is cheating, the best place to start is with yourself. Its very tempting to write the partner off as a no-good selfish louse. It takes much more strength and courage to ask oneself what one did to contribute to the situation.

None of that is intended to condone or excuse the end result. But most content happy people have no reason to cheat.

[naggie1972]

I don't think it is right to cheat period, no-one deserves that, if you ain't happy then don't be a coward and a cheat. I am not going to give anyone a free pass just because they "say" they aren't happy. How disgusting that someone would say to 'check' yourself first to see if you happened to contribute to the cheating, that is horrible to say. Though some women may act like that I think a majority of us obviously are aware once the cheating is discovered that something is terribly wrong, yeah but hold on, before I get offended let me see if I contributed to this... There may be plenty to blame for the breakdown of the marriage that "caused" the cheating but it's still not right and it is a terrible injustice to the other partner to say "Hey fuck you, I ain't happy so I am going to find love elsewhere because I am too chicken shit to leave the marriage gracefully"

I WILL NOT take the blame for my husband fucking someone else whatever crap you spew WeWillBackGowron.

[Green Eyed Lady]

Mar 29, 2012 19:44:34 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

Also, for what its worth, a great question to ask is: "am I doing anything that would motivate him to cheat?"

I always found it irritating that most people gasp in horror at the mention of cheating, but do not give any consideration to the string of events that got them there. In many cases, there is plenty of blame to go around for BOTH partners.

Yes, there are some people who are just serial cheaters and can't help themselves no matter how good they have it. But if you want to know if your partner is cheating, the best place to start is with yourself. Its very tempting to write the partner off as a no-good selfish louse. It takes much more strength and courage to ask oneself what one did to contribute to the situation.

None of that is intended to condone or excuse the end result. But most content happy people have no reason to cheat.

Bullllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllshit. Plain and simple.

I'm not saying that if I was in a relationship, I should not look at myself also if the relationship isn't happy. But there is no excuse to cheat regardless of what your partner is or isn't doing.

If I'm in a relationship and I'm so unhappy that I need to find solace in another's arms......or pants.......or whatever, I need to get a damn divorce.


I have never in my life seen so many enablers of buttheads in one place in my entire life.

[Green Eyed Lady]

Why do you have to name call?

People make mistakes. Not everybody sees things in black and white. Marriages survive infidelity every day.

The only person I called a name is the cheating spouse and it was well deserved. He/she IS a butthead.

[wvugurl26]

It would be preferable to walk away before you cheat. That still doesn't always mean the other party is entirely innocent and had no part in the relationship failing. Sometimes they are but I'd say many times that is a two way street.

[Green Eyed Lady]

People make mistakes. Not everybody sees things in black and white. Marriages survive infidelity every day.

And I didn't say one word about divorce. I simply stated it's wrong to blame the victim.

Obviously this situation hits close to home with you and you aren't reading closely. I have no idea what I would do in the situation so I certainly wouldn't be telling anybody to not allow their marriage to survive.

[Green Eyed Lady]

You are right, wrong (LOL). That was a poor choice of words. Victim is probably not the best word I could have used. Maybe cheatee?

[thatchica]

"am I doing anything that would motivate him to cheat?"

I partially agree with this.. There are some women that push their men into cheating. However there are a lot of men that are just bastards.

I have been cheated on. I don't think I did anything to deserve it. My ex was just a womanizer that didn't think there was anything wrong with spreading himself around. I did notice the signs that were mentioned before, needing to work late, extra grooming, extra protective of his cell.. damn chick calling like crazy at all hours.. He was a doctor and I have found a lot of doctors go through this phase.. Again, I don't see where I did anything to push him into it. When I confronted him about it, he got violent with me.

I had posted recently about a crazy woman that spread rumors about me chasing after husbands. Which I don't. She told a lot of people that I was the reason for the problems in her marriage. Which I'm not. I have never done anything or even come close do doing anything with her husband. I dated her son for a while.. but no I did not go after his father when we ended.

It turns out her husband is in fact cheating on her now. But this is after 2 years of her telling everyone he already was. I think in his case since he was already getting blamed for doing it, he went out and made her accusations true. (but to clarify.. not with me)

[Bob Ross]

Jan 12, 2012 1:24:59 GMT -5 @rockit said:

4. Nothing fazes him anymore. “If he was short-tempered before, a combination of added sex and attention could be making him way more relaxed, even downright giddy,” Vranich says. Adds Mira Kirshenbaum, author of When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts and Minds of People in Two Relationships: “If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why.”

I love this one.

Cuz as we all know, a happy man must be a cheating man. Better put a stop to that happiness, stat.