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Family
Jan 14, 2011 17:56:05 GMT -5
Post by naggie72 on Jan 14, 2011 17:56:05 GMT -5
How many of you have turned your back on toxic family? Sometimes it feels crazy that I have done this and other times it feels really, really good that I have done it. I could write a book on our family troubles.
Maybe we could chat about toxic families on this thread and maybe find some comfort in our stories.
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ihearyou2
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Family
Jan 14, 2011 17:57:25 GMT -5
Post by ihearyou2 on Jan 14, 2011 17:57:25 GMT -5
I do that with posters here all the time...
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Family
Jan 14, 2011 18:10:56 GMT -5
Post by naggie72 on Jan 14, 2011 18:10:56 GMT -5
Yes, that is where I get confused. I hear about families that love eachother and kind to one another and I kind of question myself and my decision.
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zibazinski
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Family
Jan 14, 2011 18:28:14 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on Jan 14, 2011 18:28:14 GMT -5
If their behavior is making you sick then, yes, cut them out. I have some toxic family and I ignore them at family gatherings (we're BREEDERS so there's lots of us) and have learned coping for when my mom is toxic. Where I lose it is when friends turn toxic all of a sudden and when you least expect it. I'm still reeling from Wednesday night's dinner when a good GF told me to protect myself from DF because he was rich and the rich hurt people. For some reason it really shook me. Even now I still feel it.
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Family
Jan 14, 2011 18:52:45 GMT -5
Post by naggie72 on Jan 14, 2011 18:52:45 GMT -5
Some people might want to think about what they say before they say it. Sorry you had a bad dinner.
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zibazinski
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Jan 14, 2011 18:59:09 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on Jan 14, 2011 18:59:09 GMT -5
I'm hoping she meant it to help/warn me but still... It creeped me out and DF knew something was wrong immediately.
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Family
Jan 14, 2011 19:04:41 GMT -5
Post by naggie72 on Jan 14, 2011 19:04:41 GMT -5
Did you tell DF, if you did what did he say. Some things seem to be harmless but they aren't to the recipient.
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Opti
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Family
Jan 14, 2011 19:24:39 GMT -5
Post by Opti on Jan 14, 2011 19:24:39 GMT -5
"I'm still reeling from Wednesday night's dinner when a good GF told me to protect myself from DF because he was rich and the rich hurt people. "
Zib, I wouldn't take it too seriously. What she said is based on her belief that rich people hurt people. When it bothers you less, you may want to tell her you believe people are people and DF has been good to you. You also may want to clue her in to the fact if she continues to believe rich people hurt people the only rich people she will attract into her life are those that will hurt her. The good rich people will stay away.
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Miss Tequila
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Jan 14, 2011 19:33:37 GMT -5
Post by Miss Tequila on Jan 14, 2011 19:33:37 GMT -5
I have no problem cutting toxic people out of my life. When my mother starts becoming toxic to me, I cut her off until she knocks the shit off. Maybe I'm heartless, but my happiness and that of my children is more important to me than putting up with toxic people.
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Family
Jan 14, 2011 19:39:11 GMT -5
Post by naggie72 on Jan 14, 2011 19:39:11 GMT -5
Again with what Miss t said, I obviously don't want to be thought of as a heartless person, I mean that is not a nice thing for people to think of you but I have to like that and ignore them because it is better for me.
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zibazinski
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Jan 14, 2011 19:44:24 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on Jan 14, 2011 19:44:24 GMT -5
He asked me what was wrong because I am usually so full of info about what is going on with everyone and I was REAL quiet (never a good sign to begin with.) I didn't even tell him half of what she said but he was not happy that I was so upset. She really made me feel shaky and I do love and trust DF even though he is clueless how real people live. He pretends to be but he just hasn't a clue. But he never makes me feel like he is Prince Charming and I am Cinderella and I should be so grateful that he rescued me from poverty or whatever. I wasn't rich like him but I could support myself just fine.
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Miss Tequila
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Jan 14, 2011 19:49:01 GMT -5
Post by Miss Tequila on Jan 14, 2011 19:49:01 GMT -5
Again with what Miss t said, I obviously don't want to be thought of as a heartless person, I mean that is not a nice thing for people to think of you but I have to like that and ignore them because it is better for me. Huh, maybe I really AM heartless because I just don't care what other people think of me. I do try to be a good person, but my actions are not influenced but what someone else might think of me.
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Deleted
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Family
Jan 14, 2011 21:57:51 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2011 21:57:51 GMT -5
Toxic Family?
I've got an aunt that I don't like (she just annoying to the extreme) & my wife met her for the first time Christmas Eve (less than 30 days ago). We have been married 21 years. So the answer is that if I don't like them I don't go around them, no big deal.
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Loopdilou
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Jan 15, 2011 3:45:38 GMT -5
Post by Loopdilou on Jan 15, 2011 3:45:38 GMT -5
I keep trying to.. but Dark insists his family isn't Toxic
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Deleted
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Family
Jan 15, 2011 9:13:16 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2011 9:13:16 GMT -5
I have no problem cutting toxic people out of my life. When my mother starts becoming toxic to me, I cut her off until she knocks the shit off. Maybe I'm heartless, but my happiness and that of my children is more important to me than putting up with toxic people. I have absolutely no problem cutting toxic people out either.
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Family
Jan 15, 2011 9:15:42 GMT -5
Post by naggie72 on Jan 15, 2011 9:15:42 GMT -5
Well it just continues the cycle with my family because they do comment with others about me and will call me names, but they cannot understand why I do.
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Miss Tequila
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Jan 15, 2011 9:19:56 GMT -5
Post by Miss Tequila on Jan 15, 2011 9:19:56 GMT -5
Well it just continues the cycle with my family because they do comment with others about me and will call me names, but they cannot understand why I do. Why do you care what they say about you?
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dancinmama
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Jan 15, 2011 9:32:27 GMT -5
Post by dancinmama on Jan 15, 2011 9:32:27 GMT -5
Neither DH or I have any family members that we feel are toxic. A couple of them may be a little odd from time to time, but not toxic.
Toxic friends - yes, I have had a few. As soon as I realize someone is toxic, I pull waaaay back and try to disappear as gracefully as possible from their life. By my early 30s I learned not to get too wrapped up with "friends" who are too high maintenance (if ya know what I mean).
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Family
Jan 15, 2011 9:48:14 GMT -5
Post by naggie72 on Jan 15, 2011 9:48:14 GMT -5
I do care because not speaking to them I am not able to defend myself, which is the best way to handle them (ignoring) but then that gives them the opportunity to say all kinds of things about me and it poisins other family members, thats why. I cannot have a decent relationship with my younger half siblings because my step mother has said all kinds of crap about me to them. I know you continue to say "why should you care" Miss T, I hope you understand now about why I care.
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dancinmama
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Jan 15, 2011 9:53:29 GMT -5
Post by dancinmama on Jan 15, 2011 9:53:29 GMT -5
I do care because not speaking to them I am not able to defend myself, which is the best way to handle them (ignoring) but then that gives them the opportunity to say all kinds of things about me and it poisins other family members, thats why. I cannot have a decent relationship with my younger half siblings because my step mother has said all kinds of crap about me to them. I know you continue to say "why should you care" Miss T, I hope you understand now about why I care. It sounds like a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" type of situation to me.
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Deleted
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Jan 15, 2011 10:30:18 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2011 10:30:18 GMT -5
I do care because not speaking to them I am not able to defend myself, which is the best way to handle them (ignoring) but then that gives them the opportunity to say all kinds of things about me and it poisins other family members, thats why. I cannot have a decent relationship with my younger half siblings because my step mother has said all kinds of crap about me to them. I know you continue to say "why should you care" Miss T, I hope you understand now about why I care. what's better - having people who have no idea what they're talking about run their mouths, or exposing yourself to toxic people so the former will shut their yaps? People will talk regardless of what you do, and if they really want to know what's going on you can tell them you have an issue with X and you'd rather not say any more. Easy peasy.
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Family
Jan 15, 2011 10:40:58 GMT -5
Post by naggie72 on Jan 15, 2011 10:40:58 GMT -5
You don't need to tell me I am damned if I do etc. I know this, doesn't mean I don't think about occasionally the possibilities of having a relationship with those other family members. I HAVE no contact with these toxic family members but being a large family I have heard about what is being said. Knowing that they are assholes and that I know what they do and say sometimes in moments when you see or hear "normal" families having a nice time that I don't think about what could have been.
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Family
Jan 15, 2011 10:47:28 GMT -5
Post by naggie72 on Jan 15, 2011 10:47:28 GMT -5
Basically what I am trying to say is that though I do not dwell on it every day there are times when I do think about the loss. I have come to terms with it through therapy but I like to think that I am normal in the sense that I do think about not being able to turn to my family in times of need.
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Miss Tequila
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Jan 15, 2011 19:40:36 GMT -5
Post by Miss Tequila on Jan 15, 2011 19:40:36 GMT -5
I do care because not speaking to them I am not able to defend myself, which is the best way to handle them (ignoring) but then that gives them the opportunity to say all kinds of things about me and it poisins other family members, thats why. I cannot have a decent relationship with my younger half siblings because my step mother has said all kinds of crap about me to them. I know you continue to say "why should you care" Miss T, I hope you understand now about why I care. naggie, I guess I'm just different than you. If a toxic relative ran there mouth about me and someone actually believed them, I wouldn't give a shit about any of them.
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Deleted
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Jan 15, 2011 19:44:03 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2011 19:44:03 GMT -5
Total agreement with small doses.... and escape route.
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Deleted
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Family
Jan 15, 2011 21:54:58 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2011 21:54:58 GMT -5
I do care because not speaking to them I am not able to defend myself, which is the best way to handle them (ignoring)Naggie, who in the heck told you that? (My wife used to do that with people). I follow the old military saying & it works much better. It is: Grab them by the balls & drag them & their hearts & minds will follow. In short if they screw with me I get in their face & screw with them. They generally don't repeat something that leaves a nasty taste in their mouths. If there are no repercussions to them then they will keep doing it. Just my thoughts.
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Peace Of Mind
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Jan 16, 2011 0:25:48 GMT -5
Post by Peace Of Mind on Jan 16, 2011 0:25:48 GMT -5
I have no problem cutting toxic people out of my life. When my mother starts becoming toxic to me, I cut her off until she knocks the shit off. Maybe I'm heartless, but my happiness and that of my children is more important to me than putting up with toxic people. I have absolutely no problem cutting toxic people out either. Me either. I am very patient and understanding with people, but when I'm done, I'm done. And usually my only regret is not doing it sooner.
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TheOtherMe
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Jan 16, 2011 20:37:41 GMT -5
Post by TheOtherMe on Jan 16, 2011 20:37:41 GMT -5
I have very few toxic family members. Most of them I rarely see, so it doesn't matter.
As for toxic friends, once I figure that out, I'm out of the relationship. It is over.
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Mardi Gras Audrey
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Jan 17, 2011 3:21:27 GMT -5
Post by Mardi Gras Audrey on Jan 17, 2011 3:21:27 GMT -5
Naggie, I know what you are going through. I have two toxic siblings (They are satan's spawn). They have told lies for years about our immediate family. Most of the extended family believes all the cr@p (or $h!^ ;D) they say and won't ask the people involved what the truth is. As a result, I don't speak to them or most of one side of my family. The few members of the extended family that I do speak to are always trying to play "peacemaker" and "mend the rift" (These are the only folks from the extended family who have the decency to ask if what the toxic ones say is true. The others just believe it and treat you like trash). I have had to explain to the peacemakers that I feel no reason to be close to the toxic ones because they are evil and aren't sorry for what they have done (They have taken specific actions to ruin other family members' lives because they are jealous of these family members. What they have done is horrific and totally uncalled for). I'm sorry but don't expect me to be close to you if you do things to screw over people I love for no reason and aren't sorry about it.... Keep your headup... u will always have the YM and EE family...
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steff
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Jan 17, 2011 3:43:14 GMT -5
Post by steff on Jan 17, 2011 3:43:14 GMT -5
I have an aunt that has gotten more and more toxic the older she gets, until it hit the point that I cut her off. She was always a lot of fun, and still ranks as everyone's favorite aunt 'back then', but now her rip raving bitch moments are too much to deal with. I always remember how she used one of my brothers as her verbal punching bag when we were growing up. didn't happen all the time, but when it did, it was something no one ever forgot. The first time I heard she did that to my son was the last time she saw him. That was 9 years ago. I probably see her once a year at some random gathering of all the aunts. I always know in advance when she'll be around and I make sure that my son is NEVER around if she is. The last time I saw her was at Christmas and she literally got up and left when I showed up (win win as mom said...lol).
Maybe I'm a cold hearted person on some level, because I don't care anymore. She runs her mouth and talks crap to my cousin about me, but so what. When she started her crap with my son, that was it for me. She has stated that she'll never forgive me for cutting her off from my son, but oh well. I still think it was what was best for him and that is all that matters really.
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