Advice on relationship and money?

[thyme4change]

Is this pro-money's first "piss em off until they leave" thread?

[The J]

Jan 14, 2011 14:23:59 GMT -5 quotequeen said:

Ditto.

[kygirl]

Jan 14, 2011 14:38:04 GMT -5 The J said:

Jan 14, 2011 14:23:59 GMT -5 quotequeen said:

Ditto.

If this is aimed towards me, I really don't understand everyone's negative reaction to my honest question.

For the thread that asks why everyone lurked so long, I guess this thread shows the answer. If your not a member of the "in-crowd" here, people give rude answers that don't help solve people's question. A perfect example is Lena's response to me. I wasn't looking for everyone to agree with my issue with him, I was looking for honest (both in agreement and disagreement with me) feedback to consider. Not a person attack implying I'm immature.

I guess I'll go back to lurking, but for those that honestly tried to help and give their opinion, I really appreciate it.

[quotequeen]

Jan 14, 2011 14:43:03 GMT -5 @kygirl said:

Jan 14, 2011 14:38:04 GMT -5 The J said:

Ditto.

If this is aimed towards me, I really don't understand everyone's negative reaction to my honest question.

For the thread that asks why everyone lurked so long, I guess this thread shows the answer. If your not a member of the "in-crowd" here, people give rude answers that don't help solve people's question. A perfect example is Lena's response to me. I wasn't looking for everyone to agree with my issue with him, I was looking for honest (both in agreement and disagreement with me) feedback to consider. Not a person attack implying I'm immature.

I guess I'll go back to lurking, but for those that honestly tried to help and give their opinion, I really appreciate it.

KY, just the opposite. I find most of the responses on this thread to be ridiculous, especially Lena's. (And SF's, but I find everything he writes ridiculous.)

[thyme4change]

Well - Lena is just kinda like that. (Love you Lena!)

But, the reality is, you have to decide if it is important to you. Either you expect the man to be a breadwinner / professional, or you can accept him for who he is. Many people call me shallow, but I knew that I would never be able to respect a man enough to let him be my husband unless he was on the warpath that I was on - education, and professional goals. I came from a family of well educated professionals, and I wanted to keep in that arena. The idea of a $9/hour daycare worker wouldn't turn me on, at least not early in the relationship. {{If, however, my husband said to me now "I'm leaving the rat race and working with kids" - I would be on-board.}}

So, you have been pretty clear that you find his current professional situation a deal-breaker. No need to apologize for it - just go with it. If you feel on the fence, meet him and see if there is any chemistry at all. It might be a moot point.

[The J]

Jan 14, 2011 14:43:03 GMT -5 @kygirl said:

Jan 14, 2011 14:38:04 GMT -5 The J said:

Ditto.

If this is aimed towards me, I really don't understand everyone's negative reaction to my honest question.

For the thread that asks why everyone lurked so long, I guess this thread shows the answer. If your not a member of the "in-crowd" here, people give rude answers that don't help solve people's question. A perfect example is Lena's response to me. I wasn't looking for everyone to agree with my issue with him, I was looking for honest (both in agreement and disagreement with me) feedback to consider. Not a person attack implying I'm immature.

I guess I'll go back to lurking, but for those that honestly tried to help and give their opinion, I really appreciate it.

It's not aimed at you. Like QQ said, it's aimed at the people who are saying there's something wrong with you because this guy sends up red flags. I hope you don't go back to lurking -- FWIW, I completely agree with you that these are important considerations, and you're completely justified in not giving him "a chance", if you feel these are dealbreakers.

[zibazinski]

Why waste your time? I mean, if you have nothing better to do, you could meet for coffee but why bother? The guy has been honest and said, up front, what he wants out of life, and it isn't what you are looking for. Nothing wrong with either of you, just you aren't on the same page. There are things that no one will compromise on, that doesn't make them bad people.

[frisbee21]

Don't leave KYGirl, I'm a former lurker too!

I think money is very important in a relationship and ultimately can make or break a good one. You don't necessarily have to set expectations before your first date, but make sure you do before you walk down the aisle.

My vote is to run from this guy. Um, he sounds like a loser. He also sounds like my BIL who hated all his jobs so will only work low stress low paid jobs and has shifted all the financial stress to my sister.

Also, I've had several good friends meet their DH's on eharmony. Good luck!!

[boosmom]

If you think those issues are dealbreakers for you, then don't go out with the guy.

However, I have learned from being a parent, to be prepared and have a plan but also to be open to just see how things go. I know I did have ideas as to what I would and wouldn't do, and I've found that these ideas change as life changes and different things work for different kids.

And just to go OT - I think working in a preschool will be my ultimate dream job. The kids are so fun at that age, just so excited to be there and learning fun things, doing art projects, singing songs, learning through play. But, it's a low-paying job, and I can't afford to do it yet. But when I retire from my regular job, which I don't love, although I enjoy the skills I've gained and the responsibilities, there's way more office politics involved than I care to have to deal with.

[whoisjohngalt]

Well, I guess we view maturity very differently. So far you said that
1. His age bothers you
2. His choice of work bothers you
3. His future goals bother you
You haven't even met him in person, you are bothered by so many things and yet you STILL wasting your time and thoughts on contemplating your future together. Why?? You are a grown woman, I would think you should know by now what are your deal-breakers.

So, for everyone who thinks that my opinion is so ridiculous, please tell me why. What is so ridiculous about telling someone that at 33 you should know yourself well enough to know what you want in a partner and a relationship.

I could be wrong, I've been wrong before.

Lena

[quotequeen]

Jan 14, 2011 18:42:43 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

So, for everyone who thinks that my opinion is so ridiculous, please tell me why. What is so ridiculous about telling someone that at 33 you should know yourself well enough to know what you want in a partner and a relationship.

The part I think is ridiculous is you saying that this guy is too good for the OP.

It's perfectly normal to question yourself and what you want out of a relationship, whether you're being too picky, not picky enough, am I settling, is this as good as it gets... these are normal thoughts and emotions no matter how old you are.

[whoisjohngalt]

QQ,

The reason I said he is too good for her is bc (and I could be wrong, I've been wrong before) she sounded quite condescending about his salary level and his life choices. I think, even by her account, he has done quite well for himself at a fairly young age. So, if she is that much of a snob that $10/hr is not good enough for her, I do think he is too good for her.

Here is a guy, who works hard, knows how to handle money, wants to support his family and she is too concern that he "doesn't want an office job". Yep, I stand by my statement.

And OP - I am not attacking you, just expressing my opinion - you can take it or leave it.

Lena

[mrsgords]

Jan 13, 2011 20:53:37 GMT -5 @kygirl said:

Jan 13, 2011 20:42:21 GMT -5 @missrigby said:

I'm trying to remind myself that I've waiting this long, and I'm not about to settle.

Please don't settle. I waited until I was 44 before I married for the first (and only) time. I never thought I'd get married either, but it happened. Marry the right guy for the right reasons.

BTW, I met my husband on an online dating site.

Listen to your gut. I don't know about yours, but mine is rarely wrong.

[debtheaven]

On the face of it I don't think this is the right guy for you but who knows, it could be a match made in heaven.

I would encourage you to go on your date, what do you have to lose? One Saturday night.

However, if after that date or one more you feel it's not what you want, I'd encourage you to not waste either person's time (yours or his).

[Lindz85]

I agree with debtheaven. It's just one night. I'm curious to hear your update on how it goes... let us know please!!

[haapai]

Exactly how clear were you about hating being cold? I ask because it sure sounds like you're gonna be standing outside with frozen feet when this guy shows up with a warm car.

I'd be tempted to get into that car too. I'd even have a half-baked plan for getting into the glove box and taking a peek at the registration, which is kinda silly when you realize that registration documents don't have pictures attached and fathers and sons frequently have the same names.

I have deep reservations regarding this feller that have little to do with his current income or his stated desire to become a SAHD.

I don't like the age/education/asset combo that he has presented. It makes no sense.
I don't like the "I never want to work in an office/I'll do whatever it takes turnaround."
I dislike the "I work in childcare and a bar, but I hate working in a bar" part of the story.
I dislike the way that his voice mail messages are leaving you at loose ends.
I dislike the "why I broke up with my last girlfriend" part of the story.
I dislike the confusion regarding this guy's age.

If you'd been chatting with this guy online, I'd ask you to take a step back and look at the transcript and see how the story that he was told was revealed. Unfortunately, your conversations have been by phone so you're just going on memory.

I think he's a storyteller.

[haapai]

How does a guy who works in a bar get a Saturday night off?

[kygirl]

QQ and The J, thanks for the clarification.

[kygirl]

Jan 15, 2011 13:47:58 GMT -5 haapai said:

Exactly how clear were you about hating being cold? I ask because it sure sounds like you're gonna be standing outside with frozen feet when this guy shows up with a warm car.

I'd be tempted to get into that car too. I'd even have a half-baked plan for getting into the glove box and taking a peek at the registration, which is kinda silly when you realize that registration documents don't have pictures attached and fathers and sons frequently have the same names.

I have deep reservations regarding this feller that have little to do with his current income or his stated desire to become a SAHD.

I don't like the age/education/asset combo that he has presented. It makes no sense.
I don't like the "I never want to work in an office/I'll do whatever it takes turnaround."
I dislike the "I work in childcare and a bar, but I hate working in a bar" part of the story.
I dislike the way that his voice mail messages are leaving you at loose ends.
I dislike the "why I broke up with my last girlfriend" part of the story.
I dislike the confusion regarding this guy's age.

If you'd been chatting with this guy online, I'd ask you to take a step back and look at the transcript and see how the story that he was told was revealed. Unfortunately, your conversations have been by phone so you're just going on memory.

I think he's a storyteller.

I actually couldn't have been more clear about how much I hate being cold. We had several conversations about it. And what confuses me is that he appeared to agree even saying he feels the same way, and then he goes and plans an outdoor date. Don't worry though, I'm meeting him there, and not matter how cold I am I will not be getting in his car.

Everything you dislike are exactly the reasons that I am concerned too. Things just don't seem to add up

Oh, and he was able to get off tonight, because we planned this date over a week ago so he had time to ask off.

[kygirl]

Jan 14, 2011 23:07:34 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

QQ,

The reason I said he is too good for her is bc (and I could be wrong, I've been wrong before) she sounded quite condescending about his salary level and his life choices. I think, even by her account, he has done quite well for himself at a fairly young age. So, if she is that much of a snob that $10/hr is not good enough for her, I do think he is too good for her.

Here is a guy, who works hard, knows how to handle money, wants to support his family and she is too concern that he "doesn't want an office job". Yep, I stand by my statement.

And OP - I am not attacking you, just expressing my opinion - you can take it or leave it.

Lena

Don't worry Lena. I didn't even consider it, since I viewed it more as a personal attack on me instead of a constructive comment.

I really don't think it's wrong of me or makes me a snob because I don't want a long term relationship with someone that makes $10 and has zero ambition to do more (although he's quite capable). Some people may be okay with that; I am not. It doesn't make me any more of a snob than if I say I like people with blond hair and others prefer someone with brown. (Not that this is the case, it's just an example). People just want different things out of life.

[Deleted]

This here gramma is anxiously awaiting an update. So was it a regular date with the possibility of seeing him again? Or was it a first date that was also the last date?

[whoisjohngalt]

People just want different things out of life.

When I was single, I didn't want to date anyone with kids. If a guy had kids, I didn't consider it a character flow, just wasn't what I was looking for.

You, on another hand, are looking down on him bc his life choices are not up to your standards. THAT is being a snob.


I am getting kind of bored debating this with you, so good luck on your date and in your future love conquests.

Lena

[Opti]

"For the thread that asks why everyone lurked so long, I guess this thread shows the answer. If your not a member of the "in-crowd" here, people give rude answers that don't help solve people's question. A perfect example is Lena's response to me."

I hope you choose to keep posting. If you read and particpate in the threads long enough I hope you will see that the posters respond based on their own views and it may have little to do with the original post. Just like in life if you ask a lot of people a question, some of the answers aren't going to be helpful.

I have a friend who reminds me occasionally that what he says may have nothing to do with me. What someone says/posts tells about them. How you choose to take it says something about you.

[suziq38]

The J...that's what I am thinking. My gut just tells me something isn't right. Even if all of his facts are indeed true, and even if he has a trust fund, I don't like his attitude about him deciding that he is staying home and that's that. A relationship, in my opinion, should be about making decision together that are best for all involved.


You should always listen to your gut feelings. Do not ignore them.
Red lights are flashing, and you may be entering into a bad situation.

I would not waste my time.

He sounds like he knows what he wants, which is good, but it is not what you want in a man or a marriage partner.
You don't know if you want to be the breadwinner when you have just given birth and am still lactating.

You don't know how you will feel when the time actually comes.
He is telling you how it is. You are being way to flexible because you want to have children.

[suziq38]

Is this pro-money's first "piss em off until they leave" thread?

I thought this was typical of YM people.

If I return the favor, people piss on me too.

[Poppet]

Jan 13, 2011 22:48:04 GMT -5 The J said:

I don't understand why she would have to do any further investigation??? There's no relationship. There's no requirement that she gets into one. If there are red flags, she shouldn't investigate further to see if they're really red flags. She should just walk away.

True, but now a lot of us are curious. I hope she finds out anyway.

[Poppet]

So, for everyone who thinks that my opinion is so ridiculous, please tell me why. What is so ridiculous about telling someone that at 33 you should know yourself well enough to know what you want in a partner and a relationship

You're opinion isn't ridiculous, it's the way you expressed it, I think. It was blunt. You're clarification in the above quote is a lot gentler that your first response.

I've been slammed for a lot less over at WIR.

kygirl, I am gonna be honest too.
First, I don't buy his story. Sounds like a con job. Or maybe some sort of test for you. See how you react. I dunno. I am so curious though.

Second, if his story is true,
I am not attracted to aspiring house-husbands, so I'd pass. I am an old fashioned gal and I like my standard men and women roles in MY LIFE.
DISCLAIMER: That's not to say that I'd look down on families with reversed roles or thumb my nose at the advances feminism has achieved blah, blah. Whatever works, people. As long as everyone's happy.

[zibazinski]

Someone who is 25 years old and is okay making 9-10 bucks an hour and she is supposed to be okay with it and she's a snob if she isn't? He's living in a dream world if he thinks he's going to find a sugar momma who will support him and his dreams of being Mr. Mom. Those guys usually do a lousy job at housework and childcare because they think it's SO easy and so much easier than a real job. It's a freakin' hard job taking care of a house and kids which is why most men won't do it. Girl, don't waste your time on this guy, he is not right for you and most women with any amount of healthy self esteem. Maybe he was drunk or high when he said those things but if he is that stupid to not realize how that made him look, then why would you want to be with someone that dumb?

[haapai]

Sounds like a con job. Or maybe some sort of test for you. See how you react.

Nicely put. He's presented a weird combination of bait ("I'll do anything for my family") and unnecessary irritant (outdoor date).

[Frappuccino]

Hi KYgirl - how did the date go?