Advice on relationship and money?

[thyme4change]

I thought about the trust fund thing too. But then I don't understand why he is working at the bar

Maybe someone died (Grandfather, etc.) and left him some money on the condition it was spent on a home. He bought the condo, cash money, and now has to bartend to pay the electricity bill. I know bunches of people that were left enough to buy a house or have a significant down payment, but I only know a handful of people who have an on-going trust fund. There are a lot of people who die leaving ~$1M to split between 8 or 10 people - which, incidentally, would be just about enough to buy a decent condo.

[The J]

Jan 14, 2011 11:15:13 GMT -5 HoneyBBQ said:

My suggestion as a woman who was in a similar spot - just go on the date.

Don't worry about his age. Worry about how he acts.

You haven't met this guy yet. He could possibly have a whole host of issues that you haven't even found out about. He could smoke, he could chew with his mouth open, or he could be a low talker. Any number of deal breakers that you haven't even scratched the surface of and won't until you meet in person and REALLY get to know them.

As far as his education, ask some subtle questions on your date: "Wow, how did you manage to get all those degrees so quickly!" And then see if your BS-detector goes off.

Don't write him off before you even meet him.

You're suggesting not to write him off yet, and to go on the date just because she might then be able to discover other things she doesn't like about him?

[thyme4change]

I'm really kinda creeped out that you haven't even met the guy and you are only envisioning what marriage would be like. You are like that classic ticking-time-bomb woman. Maybe you will meet him and he will have an arm growing out of his forehead.

[HoneyBBQ]

The J - I'm just saying if she's suspicious and wants to trust her gut, that's fine. Maybe there IS something wrong with him. But maybe not. Maybe there are perfectly reasonable explanations for everything. You never know. My vote was to give him a chance.

I think the OP is strange to contemplate a whole long term relationship with someone she hasn't met yet, that's why I was pointing out things that I thought might be funny (low talker... you must not be a Seinfeld fan) that would be deal breakers. My feeling is you should just go on a date, make sure you are reasonably compatible with the other person, THEN worry about all the future stuff.

[dividend]

Go on the date with him and see if you like him. I dated a guy once who said his dream job was to be a stay at home dad. He was a fun, sweet, thoughtful, guy, and we had a great time together. Unfortunately, that was his dream because he wanted someone else to pay the bills while he got to play all day. I got really tired of him being broke and childish all the time. The guy your describing sounds like corporate life just really wasn't for him, and so he arranged his life to not need the salary that goes with an office job, and did so without being a financial train wreck. He sounds highly intelligent, with his priorities solidly in order. He could also be that perfect, quirky, sexy guy that you fall madly in love with from the get-go, and none of this other b.s. matters.

I think you're jumping the gun a bit (ok, A LOT) by grilling a guy about finances, marriage, and hypothetical future children before you even have one date. You're going to eliminate a lot of guys who might be able to make you very happy, and scare off even more. A relationship is not a project plan.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I am shocked at people suggesting she is jumping the gun! This is YM! She is supposed to get a full credit report, see his stock portfolio, a 401(k) statement and make sure he has a 6 month EF before before she even gets his name!

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

I used to see these types of threads on the Lifestyle forums on MSN-Lifestyle.
The original poster has already made a judgement on the guy, she has never seen or spoke to based on hearsay, and has micro-analyzed the guy without having a single converstion with him.
With regard to him wanting to be a SAH Father, this would be a plus. Millions of women aspire to be SAHMs. Furthermore, women who have professed to want to return to work following the birth of their baby, have unilaterally refused to return to work.
We've had numerous threads on this topic.

[coconut]

Trust your gut......with all the red flags your gut is telling you what to do!!!!!

[kygirl]

Wow! Thanks for all of the responses. Let me explain a few things.

First of all, I'm not sure where people got that I met him online or have never spoken to him/had a conversation with him. We met through a friend, and we have talked for hours on the phone. I am also not the one jumping the gun here. He has started most of the serious conversations, I'm just going off of my gut feeling off of what he is telling me.

Also, as I've said. I'm not judging anyone for wanting to be a SAHD. I'm just saying that I don't like that option being excluded right away because he wants to be a SAHD and there is no compromising on it. I'm also not debating the fact that a SAHD can be a good thing. I'm just not sure it's compatible with what I want, and as I mentioned before, I don't make enough money for it to even be an option. It also doesn't matter to me that there have been numberous threads debating this. I haven't seen those threads, and to be honest, I don't care about them. I wanted feedback on my particular situation.

[Deleted]

Didn't read the whole thread but here's the advice I give all my gal pals who haven't found their partner yet - freeze some eggs. Buy yourself some time.

[hoops902]

"I'm just saying that I don't like that option being excluded right away because he wants to be a SAHD and there is no compromising on it."

He is compromising on it, according to you he said he wanted "to continue doing what he's doing, or be a SAHD". That's 2 options. If I say "I either want to be a SAHD or I want to work for the government"...that's not a hard line on me being a SAHD.


If you already know he's not compatible with what you want then what's the issue? Dont' go on a date with him. This isn't a relationship, you haven't even gone out yet. How is this an issue? If I meet a girl at a bar and she says "I don't want kids"...and I DO want kids I don't have some hard thinking to do about whether to ask her out for a 1st date. You don't want someone who's a SAHD, he wants to be one...done and done.

With all respect to you, it sounds as if your desperation to find a man is leading you to try to be "talked into" a guy you know from the jump you aren't compatible with instead of using that time to find other guys you might be more compatible with.


EDIT: You seem to think that you need to find something "wrong" with him in order to exclude him from your search. You don't need something wrong, one of you doesn't have to reject the other because you're not even dating. He's not compatible with what you're looking for, the life he'd like to live does not compute with the live you'd like to live. This shouldn't even be a hard decision to make after several months of dating, much less agonizing over it pre-1st date.

[thyme4change]

How well does your friend know this guy? She got his age wrong, and she didn't seem to see any red flags about him having a "less than ideal" career path / future ambitions. Sounds like she knows him slightly better than you do.

[Deleted]

There's nothing wrong with being a SAHD or wanting to be - I'd applaud him for being honest up front. I imagine that that is something that would be a dealbreaker for a lot of women.

My friend dated someone who had a dual degree in electrical engineering and math from an ivy league school - he hated working in an office and decided to start his own small business doing what he loves. Not a lot of money but a lot of personal satisfaction.

[hoops902]

Jan 14, 2011 12:37:46 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

There's nothing wrong with being a SAHD or wanting to be - I'd applaud him for being honest up front. I imagine that that is something that would be a dealbreaker for a lot of women.

Nothing wrong with it, but there's nothing wrong with not wanting to have children, wanting to live in a specific part of the country, or having certain religious beliefs either. There doesn't have to be anythign "wrong" with him for her to decided they aren't compatible in very major ways. That almost seems to be OP's problem, she needs something to be "wrong" to feel justified in not going out with him.

[thyme4change]

BTW - now that I'm a working Mom, 2 kids, I would jump on the chance to have a SAHD-husband. As long as the ground rules are set and maintained. Mostly about the house being clean and maintained. My husband would be so very bad at that, we've decided he can just go to work.

[kygirl]

Jan 14, 2011 12:33:10 GMT -5 hoops902 said:

He is compromising on it, according to you he said he wanted "to continue doing what he's doing, or be a SAHD". That's 2 options. If I say "I either want to be a SAHD or I want to work for the government"...that's not a hard line on me being a SAHD.


With all respect to you, it sounds as if your desperation to find a man is leading you to try to be "talked into" a guy you know from the jump you aren't compatible with instead of using that time to find other guys you might be more compatible with.

On the first point I quoted above, I think you are right. I guess it comes down to the fact that I don't want to be married to a SAHD or someone who makes $9 an hour.

On the second point, you are incorrect. I'm not desparate. I've actually dated quite a few guys since June, and never once felt desparate. I was okay when they didn't work out. Do I want kids, yes. But I won't settle after waiting this long.

I guess I've just seen enough of my friends be miserable in marriages when they knew the issues that are now making them miserable before they married. I don't want that to happen and I'm afraid this is that kind of issue for me. While I'm not desparate, I also don't want to waste time dating someone if it isn't going to end up going anywhere.

I really didn't come here to debate the pros and cons of SAHDs. I came here to see if I was making a mistake by considering not seeing him due to this issue, which really comes down to money and life goals.

[kygirl]

Jan 14, 2011 12:37:26 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

How well does your friend know this guy? She got his age wrong, and she didn't seem to see any red flags about him having a "less than ideal" career path / future ambitions. Sounds like she knows him slightly better than you do.

She actually has been cutting both of our hair for years. And until 4 months ago, he was working as a civil engineer. Although she knew about the SAHD part, she thought he was still working as an engineer.

[kygirl]

Jan 14, 2011 12:40:11 GMT -5 hoops902 said:

[Nothing wrong with it, but there's nothing wrong with not wanting to have children, wanting to live in a specific part of the country, or having certain religious beliefs either. There doesn't have to be anythign "wrong" with him for her to decided they aren't compatible in very major ways. That almost seems to be OP's problem, she needs something to be "wrong" to feel justified in not going out with him.

Oh, I'm not really looking for anything to be wrong with him. There may be a million things "wrong" with him that I don't even know yet, as honeybbq stated above.

I'm just wondering if there's even a reason to go, if one of the things I do know about him might be a deal breaker for me.

[hoops902]

"I guess I've just seen enough of my friends be miserable in marriages when they knew the issues that are now making them miserable before they married. I don't want that to happen and I'm afraid this is that kind of issue for me. While I'm not desparate, I also don't want to waste time dating someone if it isn't going to end up going anywhere. "

Why is this an issue then? You seem very clear headed in that you do not want to be married to a SAHD or someone who makes $9 an hour. This guy seems very clear in that this will be his future, to the point he broke up with a gf over it. I'm not thinking you seem desperate to marry him, you seem desperate to make this particular guy into something he's not either by way of thinking something will change in one of you, or that we can talk you into looking past it. As in, so desperate to meet someone that you can't simply say "nope, we're not compatible" without some kind of consensus from others (maybe desperate isn't the right word, I dont' know, but you seem to want to make this into more than just "nope, we're too different in a major area" than most people when you haven't even been on 1 date). You both seem very firmly set in what you want in this area, and it's a major area. This shouldn't even be a decision you need to think about imo.

Might I suggest that an important aspect of finding someone "to marry" is not wasting your time even worrying about going on dates with people who you already know to be wildly incompatible with you in areas which are critically important to both of you.

[kygirl]

Jan 14, 2011 12:50:03 GMT -5 hoops902 said:

Might I suggest that an important aspect of finding someone "to marry" is not wasting your time even worrying about going on dates with people who you already know to be wildly incompatible with you in areas which are critically important to both of you.

Good advice and thanks for the clarification on the word desparate.

I guess I wanted advice possibly for future consideration also. I guess my real question should be, how much of a factor should money and life goals be in relationships, especially at the age when you looking for your life partner. From reading the MSN boards, people seem to think it's hugely important. I guess I think so too, and I guess talking through it here and with my real life friends, I have my answer.

Thanks again everyone.

[Deleted]

Why do you need to come up with reasons not to go on the date.

You already know that
- you don't want to have a SAHD
- you don't want to be married to someone making $9

So what else to discuss?

[Urban Chicago]

I agree with what most posters are saying about caution. What I'm wondering is why, in your OP, you don't think you earn enough to support a family. Particularly this hypothetical family where you have a paid off condo, 2 cars, and a job you love?

[hoops902]

Jan 14, 2011 12:54:38 GMT -5 @kygirl said:

Jan 14, 2011 12:50:03 GMT -5 hoops902 said:

Might I suggest that an important aspect of finding someone "to marry" is not wasting your time even worrying about going on dates with people who you already know to be wildly incompatible with you in areas which are critically important to both of you.

Good advice and thanks for the clarification on the word desparate.

I guess I wanted advice possibly for future consideration also. I guess my real question should be, how much of a factor should money and life goals be in relationships, especially at the age when you looking for your life partner. From reading the MSN boards, people seem to think it's hugely important. I guess I think so too, and I guess talking through it here and with my real life friends, I have my answer.

Thanks again everyone.

The answer is "how important are they to YOU?" I don't think money is important at all. But if money is important to YOU, then it should be important to find someone with the same goals. It doesn't matter if we all tell you "the most important things are that he has a car, and that he makes over $50K/year." That's a great way to end up in a relationship that makes others think you should be happy, but which does not necessarily lead to making you actually happy. This is how those friends of yours got into relationships with people they aren't compatible with...they were convinced (either internally or externally) that this is the type of person they should be with, rather than finding someone right for the real them.

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

Anyone find it ironic that the OP can be introduced to a guy, who actually wants children, wants to spend time with them and actually forgo any sort of career so that he can be involved in his children's lives and raise them.

Back in the mid 80s, I was a SAH Father for quite some time. My ex-wife loved it, because she was relieved that she knew the kids were well taken care of. My three boys at the time were 5, 4 and 2.

So many times we have to endure rantings about husbands and fathers' doing nothing at home, not wanting to watch the kids or be involved with them.

[thyme4change]

I find it very ironic. Women's lib is fickle, at best.

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

I find it very ironic. Women's lib is fickle, at best.

Ever wonder why men shun marriage and long term committed relationships.

[thyme4change]

No, not really. I mean, sometimes I do - but only in specific cases. Some couples I look at and I say "He needs to lock that down."

[whoisjohngalt]

Anyone find it ironic that the OP can be introduced to a guy, who actually wants children, wants to spend time with them and actually forgo any sort of career so that he can be involved in his children's lives and raise them.

I don't find it ironic. I find it kind of disgusting. There you have a guy, who at 25, has a college degree, paid off home, paid off car, knows exactly what he wants to do with his life, knows how to take responsibility and take care of the family and yet, it's STILL not good enough.

Like I said, I think he is too good for her, bc at 25 he is more mature than she is at 33.

Lena

[kygirl]

Jan 14, 2011 13:31:33 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

I don't find it ironic. I find it kind of disgusting. There you have a guy, who at 25, has a college degree, paid off home, paid off car, knows exactly what he wants to do with his life, knows how to take responsibility and take care of the family and yet, it's STILL not good enough.

Like I said, I think he is too good for her, bc at 25 he is more mature than she is at 33.

Lena

With all due respect, you don’t know anything about me. I too know what I want out of life. I just needed to talk through this particular situation, and as I mentioned in an earlier post, I have both here and with my real life friends. I guess I just had never thought about whether being married to someone who makes $9 an hour and wants to be a SAHD bothered me or not. Now I know it does.

Oh, and by the way, you know nothing about my maturity or my financial picture. How do you know that at 33 I don’t have a paid off house, no credit card debt, a fantastic EF, and fantastic retirement? You don’t know anything about me except for my age and the fact that I said that I don’t make enough money for anyone to be a stay at home anything. Having things paid off really doesn’t have anything to do with maturity. Trust me when I say that I have friends who have everything paid for from a trust fund, things being paid for by someone else, or just from being born into an amazingly rich family. It doesn’t make them mature or better than me. In fact, a lot of them are lazy.

I also never said he wasn’t good enough for me. I was trying to figure out if I was focusing on the right things and if we were compatible. I think I’ve figured out my answer and I really don’t think your last comment slamming me added anything to this conversation.

[quotequeen]