"not quite adult"

[Deleted]

BTDT, daphne and trix, thanks! DD managed to graduate high school (just barely) and managed to get into a college a couple hours away (horrible transcript, strong ACT score). I tried to talk her into choosing a less expensive college, even if she still went away to school. But she was adamant, and got loans to help pay for it........ against my advice. But again, her choice.

I walk a very fine line between being supportive and letting her learn that being an adult is not just about freedom, but also about personal responsibility. Sometimes I feel like a horrible mother and I have to remind myself that DD is one of those people that just has to learn some things the hard way and I can't really save her from herself.

[Deleted]

"If Junior's playing video games all day and doesn't have a job, that's a different situation."

LOL. I've said a thousand times that no able-minded, able-bodied adult gets to sit in my house and watch cartoons while I work to pay the bills. That includes adult children, parents, family members, significant others........... I'd make an exception for my Grandma though.

[TD2K]

I lived at home (the last kid also) while I went to University. Moved out when I finished and moved to another province for my first job as an engineer.

[TrixAre4Kids]

Jan 12, 2011 21:19:31 GMT -5 ❤ mollymouser ❤ said:

And at $450 per month, it wasn't just a "token" payment, either.

Well that token $100 in 1975 is about the equivalent of $400 today but they did provide car, gas and insurance. Lucky me, I'm the one that was elected to to take the family cars and sit in line for the gas pumps during the '73 gas shortages. Anybody else remember that fun time? Have ta get your way-back machines out...

[linarex]

I moved out 4 months after graduating college, at age 23. Although, technically from 18 on I was really only home for short breaks and worked or volunteered in the summers at college.

[Nazgul Girl]

I moved out at age 21, after graduating from college. My first job was security at a local Meijer's ( discount store ), and then I got my first real job at Social Security.

[BeenThere...DoneThat...]

<<< Lucky me, I'm the one that was elected to to take the family cars and sit in line for the gas pumps during the '73 gas shortages. Anybody else remember that fun time? >>>

...that definitely bumps you higher in the "family contribution" department... since I could drive yet, I couldn't charge a fee for keeping Mom company while we waited in those lines...


ETA: come to think of it, I think us kids had fun terrorizing her while being stuck in the car...

[Taxman10]

Jan 12, 2011 21:19:59 GMT -5 Nazgul Girl said:

I liked what someone posted on the WM board about the three "E's"; their children either had to be employed, enlisted, or enrolled by ages 18 to 19 or so.

I think it was WCP and 4E's

Employed
Enrolled
Enlisted
or
Evicted!

[bimetalaupt]

Who Me.. I went to military school until I was 17,. Finished and started at the University in 10 days. I meet my wife and never went back. She love the ROTC look ??

The After I was doing graduate School my mother showed her my old Military school annual..I married that LL

Bi Metal Au Pt

[Deleted]

I moved out out of m parents house a month after I turned 23... but was paying $400/month in rent for 2 years by then (was living in the 1 bedroom/1bath basement with kitchen).

I am grateful for my mother and I could never repay her enough for all she has done for me. This woman is just amazing!

[ChiTownVenture]

I moved out at 17, got a roommate and an apartment. Kept the roommate for a few years, and then moved out on my own until I met my wife.

Supporting myself that early taught me a lot about responsibility and being self-sufficient.

[Gardening Grandma]

Employed
Enrolled
Enlisted
or
Evicted!

If you re-arrange it, you've got a poem:
Employed
Enlisted
Enrolled
or Evicted!!

[Deleted]

I'm noticing that the people who were kicked out at 18 seem extremely resentful of people who weren't and/or are adamantly for kicking the kids out at 18. I'm sorry, but I think it's completely heartless to kick a kid out at 18 if they are starting college, especially if they're a good kid with a good head on their shoulders. I'm also not against helping your kid pay for school (to a point). Yes, I realize I just spoke blasphemy here, but that's how I feel.

[Taxman10]

Jan 13, 2011 10:36:37 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

I'm noticing that the people who were kicked out at 18 seem extremely resentful of people who weren't and/or are adamantly for kicking the kids out at 18. I'm sorry, but I think it's completely heartless to kick a kid out at 18 if they are starting college, especially if they're a good kid with a good head on their shoulders. I'm also not against helping your kid pay for school (to a point). Yes, I realize I just spoke blasphemy here, but that's how I feel.

for your blasphemy you shall be burned at the stake!!



I agree, I think it depends on the kid. I lived at home 'til 23, commuted to college and for 1.5 years after college 'til I bought my first house. My parents thought it'd be silly for me to rent an appt, when they didn't mind me living for free. I'll probably have a similar philosophy with my kids. Although I guess I was enrolled or employed at all times, so I never got evicted :-)

But they didn't make me pay rent either.

[Deleted]

OOWWWWW, the burning HURTS!!!

[The J]

Jan 13, 2011 11:40:35 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

OOWWWWW, the burning HURTS!!!

They make ointment for that.

[kinetickid]

I voted 18-20, but I actually moved out when I was 15. My stepmother was evil and abusive. I wanted to leave as soon as I could. Fortunately, my aunt got pregnant with her second child--a very difficult pregnancy, requiring lots of bedrest--and needed help with her toddler; I jumped at the opportunity to move into my aunt's.

I then arranged things with my high school to graduate early (e.g. getting them to count my college course credits towards my high school credits, by taking tests for credit, etc.).

Started college as a full-time, off-campus student at age 16.

[BeenThere...DoneThat...]

<<< I'm noticing that the people who were kicked out at 18 seem extremely resentful of people who weren't and/or are adamantly for kicking the kids out at 18. >>>

...hmm... I hadn't noticed that... but then again, I'm the in "childhood ends at 18 or HS graduation, whichever comes second" camp... and fwiw, my parents, who were likewise in that camp, as were their parents, and so on, were prepared to become our landlords if we couldn't find another adequate situation... so, for this reader, at least, it's a question of when to kick a kid out of the proverbial nest, not the actual one...


ETA: ...and perhaps "nurturing one's baby birds" sounds better than "kicking them out" ?

[Deleted]

I don't believe kids should automatically be kicked out or cut loose at 18. I do believe that the rules change though, depending on what the kid does. If my young adult child is trying to make something of him/herself and working toward independance, he/she can live with me. I'm happy to help as much as I can. If they just want to lay around and suck up my air and eat up my food and generally drive me nuts, they gotta go.

They can even rebound when they get older if they really, really, really need to. But they'd have to have a plan for leaving again.

[wvugurl26]

If they just want to lay around and suck up my air and eat up my food and generally drive me nuts, they gotta go.

I think that's how it should be. If the kid's a good kid and trying to get a start in life, I'd be happy to help them as much as I can. I was very lucky to get a full scholarship for undergrad and my family helped as much as they could in undergrad/grad school. Obviously every kid's different and you have to decide what you can do to help them and not let them become a freeloading mooch.

[boosmom]

One parent helped pay for college and pay for my airfare back for summers and winter break. I worked 20+ hrs per week while in college but it would never cover the cost of an apartment and food in the HCOLA area I was in. I lived at home for 3 years after graduating from college, paying $300/month in rent, paying for my own car insurance, gas, and food. So, basically, I rented a room while I tried to pay down my loans and cc debt and worked FT and had a PT job. I wasn't home much.

We'll probably make our kids pay rent if they continue to live at home after graduating from college and have FT employment. But unlike my parent, since we don't need the money, we'll save the rent they pay and gift it back to them for a home DP, but they won't know that's what we're going to do.

[cronewitch]

Oil embargo wasn't a problem for me at all. My husband went to work early and we lived a block from a gas station. He was a believer in supporting local business so had always bought gas at that station and got oil changes and other things done there no matter what the price of gas was other places.

When the stations were rationing gas he would take a car there before they opened the lights were out but the owner was there. He would sell him a full tank, no line and no limit for us.

My ex always deiced my car and warmed the engine when he did his even if I was still sleeping. One morning was so cold nobody's cars were starting and you couldn't get a tow truck. The owner of the local gas station towed our car to his station with his personal car and put it in a service bay to warm up so it would start.

Sometimes on Saturdays my ex would get up and warm up both cars then get gas in both and come home with doughnuts. When ever I had car trouble I could call him and he would come trade cars with me and stay to fix the broken car.

It was nice being taken care of too bad I had to divorce him but he needed it.

[cronewitch]

I think you learn a few things when you leave home before you are ready for a middle class life on your own. I left at 18 because I didn't want to live where my parents lived and was too young and stupid to know I couldn't really support myself. I learned I could live very cheap so even save money on a minimum wage job while supporting myself. This is really good to know it gives me confidence that no matter what I can land on my feet. I didn't go to college after high school so I don't think students are the same as non students when it comes to leaving the nest. But I don't like to see kids miss out on learning to make due and scheme to make life better for themselves.

My niece was still living at home a year after high school working full time dating a boy a year younger. When he finished high school they decided to live together. He was a month short of 18 and she was turning 19 they both had cars with car insurance payments and he landed a minimum wage job too. One of her aunts offered to sell her a 2 bedroom rental house nothing down any amount of payment they could afford, it was a kind offer. She asked me if she should take it and I told her it was a good deal financially but if she did she would miss out on getting a cute apartment like her friends and figuring out what she liked. The rental house was little with used carpet, white paint and nothing much to look at but they didn't pay much and would give her a bargain. Instead the boy's mother gave them a security deposit for high school graduation. They rented an adorable town house they really couldn't afford, they didn't heat it because there was no money but it was really cute. Then they rented a house on a busy street across from the beach. They had to park on the beach side and carry things across traffic, then they bought a one bedroom condo, sold it and bought a little house that needed a lot of work. They could have saved a few moves and just got the little house that needed work from day one but they wouldn't have gotten experience. They were ready for a house when she was 22 and he was 21 they totally remodeled it, got married and had a son. They were ready to be grown ups. They sold the little house and bought a huge house, put in a day care and had a daughter, added a bedroom and bought a business. Then they left that empty and bought a house on the beach. Now they sold the huge house to my brother so he had room to take in mom. So now at 37-38 they have kids 15-11 two businesses, two rentals and a nice house on the beach and lots of memories of the time they couldn't afford heat, had not enough space and only enough money for one piece of chicken each for dinner. Now some kids would have stayed at home until 26-30 then just be ready for a first child at 35 with no cool memories of the early years. They did get help along the way but they also got to suffer a little since they were too proud to tell anyone they were cold or hungry. My brother loaned them money to buy the business and mom bought the condo from them when they wanted to get a house, mom sold them her house as a rental on a contract so it isn't like they were on their own entirely but they did take the lead and not ask for money every month.

[Apple]

My parents raised me to be independent, and that's what I've been. I moved out at 18, two weeks after HS graduation. Rented a house for a year and then bought one. They quit supplying me with extra money once I was in Jr. High. When we went across state for a competition in 8th grade, I had to pay for it myself (two nights in a hotel and all meals) with money earned from my paper route and babysitting (I also worked concessions with the class at wrestling meets, etc as a fundraiser, that helped a lot).

[Deleted]

Jan 13, 2011 14:28:57 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

I don't believe kids should automatically be kicked out or cut loose at 18. I do believe that the rules change though, depending on what the kid does. If my young adult child is trying to make something of him/herself and working toward independance, he/she can live with me. I'm happy to help as much as I can. If they just want to lay around and suck up my air and eat up my food and generally drive me nuts, they gotta go.

I completely agree with this and I'd do the same thing. I just don't see if a kid is doing well and has a plan (that doesn't involve lazing around the house) why they absolutely must be out of the house at 18.

[shanendoah]

I moved out at 18 because that was the best decision for our situation and because my mom would continue to help with the grocery bill. If it would have been better for me to stay at home, my mom would have put her foot down and I would have stayed.
I don't think there should be a blanket rule. I think its different for every family, every kid. DH moved out at 18 for about 9 months, came home and didn't move out again until we moved out of state together, when he was 27. (He would have moved out sooner, but his mother was in a car accident that left her in the hospital for 6 months, and then she couldn't really live on her own for 6 months after that.)
I had friends who lived with their parents until they got married.
In some cases its a good solution, in others its the needed solution. But I really think that it can't be decided in advance, because its so situational, different for every family, every child, every year.