"not quite adult"

[Taxman10]

www.usatoday.com/yourlife/parenting-family/teen-ya/2011-01-12-notadults12_ST_N.htm


I hope that link works -- the article is an interview with researchers who basically say that "delayed adulthood" is a good thing.

I'm not of the same belief as WCP about kicking them out at 18, but I think this article is a little too far the other way.

discuss...

[chiver78]

I moved out a little over a year after graduating college, I was 23. I commuted to school the last year and a half or so. when I found a job in the next town over, Mom and Dad let me stay on for a bit to save up some cash. I bought a condo in October of the following year.

[The J]

I was kind of in and out until I was 25. I lived with my parents during college (I lived in the dorms, but on breaks I was back home). Then I moved (far) away for law school for 3 years, came back after graduation and lived there for ~6 months (while I took the bar and found a job).

[Deleted]

I moved out of my parents house at 26 or 27, I forget which. It helped me get a good financial footing, but I did give up some experiences.

[daennera]

Out at 18. Which didn't seem odd since that was what I was told was going to happen my whole childhood. The fall after you graduated high school you either were in college and moving to a dorm, or working and moving to an apartment.

[haapai]

I agree with what he said about the post-war years being anomalous. The strength of the manufacturing sector and the drafts (both Korea and Vietnam) allowed people to leave home earlier and definitely encouraged marriage. My parents married at 21, a week after my father graduated from college and a semester before my mother did. (He was ROTC and keen to become a Kennedy husband.)

My grandmother wrote her memoirs a couple of years ago. She didn't marry until the age of 27 and she didn't mention any fears of becoming an old maid.

[sheilaincali]

I moved out when I was 19 and lived with my bf. When I was 20 I enlisted in the Air Force, on my 21st bday I got married and on my 22nd b-day I found out I was pregnant with our, now, 12 year old son.
My older brother married at 22 and my younger sister moved out when she was 21. My slacker brother lived at home until 25 and he now divorced and spends every waking moment at my parents house (rather then across town in the nice house they pay his mortgage on). My suggestions that they just change the locks are not well received.

[Deleted]

We're not necessarily advocating for helicopter parenting per se, but involved parenting matters. The resources and relationships of parents are crucial in ensuring kids' successes.

But a lot of parents today don't know where to draw the line between being an involved parent and being a hoovering parent. Kids need to know to stand up for themselves and their beliefs without running to mommy and daddy every time something doesn't go exactly how they want it. I've heard that some parents will even call in sick for their kids' work - after they are an "adult" holding an "adult position". I say kids need to be taught personal accountability more than anything.

[swamp]

I was in and out until I was 30, when I finally bought a house.

My first job out of law school was an Asst. DA where I made a whopping $30K, in the late 90's. After I paid my $650 a month student loan and the $250 car payment (it's a rural county and I HAD to have a car for work, no way around it), and then purchased work appropriate clothing which I didn't have because I spent 25 years as a student, there wasn't much left to live on.

[Deleted]

Jan 12, 2011 9:43:01 GMT -5 swamp said:

I was in and out until I was 30, when I finally bought a house.

My first job out of law school was an Asst. DA where I made a whopping $30K, in the late 90's.

Yeah, in northern NY in the 90s.

That is like making $400k in NYC today.

[BeenThere...DoneThat...]

<<< Out at 18. Which didn't seem odd since that was what I was told was going to happen my whole childhood. The fall after you graduated high school you either were in college and moving to a dorm, or working and moving to an apartment. >>>

[swamp]

Hey, I bought a really nice house for $57k............

[swamp]

"Out at 18. Which didn't seem odd since that was what I was told was going to happen my whole childhood. The fall after you graduated high school you either were in college and moving to a dorm, or working and moving to an apartment."

But where did you go for college breaks? I was in a dorm or sorority house all through college, but it wasn't home. I still had to go someplace when school closed down.

[Cookies Galore]

I moved out when I was 25. I was home on breaks in college and lived fully at home my senior year. I don't consider living in a dorm to be on my own, since you need a place when school isn't in session. I was enabling Mom, I mean paying her bills, so she didn't mind my staying after graduation. When I finally realized the reason I wasn't saving any money was because of Mom, I answered a Craigslist ad for someone looking for a roommate and left. A few months later I met BF and we moved in together.

My 27-year-old brother (28 in April!) still lives at home. He barely works and doesn't give Mom a penny. I'm beginning to loathe the both of them. Brother for being a selfish brat and Mom for not putting her foot down and kicking him out.

[daennera]

"But where did you go for college breaks? I was in a dorm or sorority house all through college, but it wasn't home. I still had to go someplace when school closed down."


Breaks were different. Obviously my parents did want to see me occasionally at least. And I did go to school, but I didn't live in a dorm. I moved in with a boyfriend in November. Lived with him for six years, and then we broke up and I got my own apartment, and 2 1/2 years later I bought my house. All my parents wanted was for me to figure out how to live in this world without needing them for basic stuff like food, shelter, commonsense, confidence, etc.

[cronewitch]

I was 18 a week after I finished high school. Mom gave me a ride to the small town she was born it for my great aunt and uncle's 50th anniversary. She got her cousin to give me a ride to the city. A family I had babysat for before offered to let me stay until I got a job. So I landed in a city with a suitcase and $50 but had a place to live. I landed a job as a housekeeper for a family then later a factory job for minimum wage and rented a room for $40 a month.

The major difference is we didn't leave home with a car, contracts, debts or anything so could live very cheap. My first paycheck I needed to buy shoes because the factory required hard toed shoes. We didn't know anything about recessions or worry about the job market or even have resumes. Now kids get a car in high school and take it when they leave home, often with payments but with insurance, licenses, gas and maintenance they have need of an adult job to leave home. I had a car in high school but my dad said not to take it to the city I couldn't afford to park it and insure it and you don't need a car in a city.

[ziyia]

I was in a dorm for the first two years I was in college, and then in an off-campus apartment. That was also about the time that I stopped going home for every break. I did still go home over Christmas to visit and be with my family. So I was halfway out of the house at 18, and fully on my own by 20.

[swamp]

I was "fully on my own" my second year of law school since I had an apartment, stayed there over the summer, and was financially self supporting. However, when I graduated, I didn't have a job lined up, was out of money, and had to go somewhere. I'm glad my parents were there for me.

I got a job as soon as I could, moved out after a few months, and realized that I hated so close to the edge financially, so I went back home, paid my loans off early and saved money for a house. I'm glad they let me do it. I did pay them rent, though, and did lots of the heavy chores.

[BeenThere...DoneThat...]

...I agree that breaks/vacations are different... I go visit family now on breaks/vacations and don't consider myself "living at home" during those times... and my college allowed you to live in the dorms in between school sessions... you had to make arrangements to stay, but the option was there...

[BeenThere...DoneThat...]

<<< I did pay them rent, though, and did lots of the heavy chores. >>>

...and this I would call different from "living at home" in the classic sense... if you're a boarder in their home, then you're a paying customer...

[jennml]

I went out of state for college (~a 3 hour drive). But my mom's house was home base. After graduation, I moved in with my Dad who lived walking distance from my brand spanking new job. I had a lot of CC debt and had no clue about bills or savings and blew my sad little check on frivolity. Got a stern talking to from the 'rents and resolved to get my act together.

My dad only charged me a token amount of rent. $100.00 bi-weekly at first then, when I landed my government job two years later, $150.00 bi-weekly. I paid down my attrocious CC debt and saved like a maniac for a downpayment. It took seven years, but Dad finally got rid of me this past June at the ripe old age of 29. Now I own my own co-op just 10 minutes from his house #rolleyes#

I love my parents and know that without their love and support I wouldn't be where I am today.

Plus they have no problem putting me on notice that I owe them big time and to save up for when they're old and ornery and need my help. I tell them both not to worry...I'll put them in the best nursing home money can buy #rofl#

[daennera]

My concern with younger people today (and yeah yeah, I'm 27 so I have soooo much room to talk) is that they are not getting any traction in this world.

I have a pretty wide range of ages between all my friends. Everywhere from 40's to very early 20's. And I swear it keeps me awake at night! Most of them have either NO job at all, or are working for minimum wage with part time hours AND they have massive school debt hanging over their heads for degrees that either:

A) they finished but are absolutely worthless, like a degree in CLASSICS!!! #faint# or

B) they never finished school to get a degree to use to make a living but still have all the debt for an almost finished degree. Also in something usually quite useless like Art.

They all live at home with their parents, pay no rent, and blow what little money they do get on stupid stuff. No plans for further education or even getting a certificate in something useful. But at the same time, they would turn down a job to dig ditches if it was offered to them. They will NOT work fast food, the lowest they are willing to go is general retail. Two of them actually had the sense to join the Armed Forces when they realized they had nothing else going for them.

But yeah, that is my anecdotal rant about the state of 20 somethings today. Every day I thank the good Lord that my parents were "mean" and kicked us out of the nest as quickly as they did.

[cronewitch]

I work with a 32 year old who is just starting to be cut off from parental support but she isn't quite ready yet. Yesterday I told her I wasn't doing her job for her to do it herself. She was crying and had to leave early because she got a head ache. She is an admin assistant asked me where a file was, I told her I don't know look for it. She dumped the paper on my desk behind my other desk not even in my in basket. I was complaining to the boss about her when she walked in so he told her to do her own job that is the assistant not me her assistant. She whined to someone else saying I only showed her her job once and won't help her. I explained I showed her several times but she didn't do it so others had been doing her work. I do accounting it is January I have a cold and am over worked, not a good time to your work on me because you are lazy and spoiled. I told her the day before to use help in excel and she went to the boss to figure out how to do what she needed. She has worked here 11 years and can't use excel help or figure out anything. She will call in sick today to avoid having to work. Her mommy will help her make the rent because she misses too much work to pay her own bills.

[BeenThere...DoneThat...]

<<< Every day I thank the good Lord that my parents were "mean" and kicked us out of the nest as quickly as they did. >>>

...agreed... although maybe I don't think about it EVery day...

[BeenThere...DoneThat...]

<<< I work with a 32 year old who is just starting to be cut off from parental support but she isn't quite ready yet. >>>
<<< She has worked here 11 years and can't use excel help or figure out anything >>>

...sad, and sad...

[Gardening Grandma]

I moved out at 18. Got a job and a room at the YWCA where I lived until I married. I do think too many of today's kids are pampered and not prepared for adulthood.

[daennera]

BTW: that also applies to at least one of the 40 year olds I know too. Lives at home with parents, drives the morning shift school bus, but will not also drive the afternoon shift. He says that having that "break" in the middle of the day is too much for his heart to handle.

So yes although it applies to ALL age brackets, at least he realizes how much better his life would have been if his parents hadn't allowed him to stay at home while he "found himself"

[The J]

My dad was always clear as to what the expectations were: go to college or get a job and move out (and the second wasn't really an option). After college, it was either grad school or get a job and move out. After law school, it was get on your feet and then work toward moving out. He was extremely supportive each step of the way, which helped out a lot.

[Opti]

Interesting comments. I don't remember when I stopped going back for
summer breaks, so I'm not sure when I officially was on my own.

[Deleted]

Should we really fault kids for expecting to be catered to when their parents cater to them?

Like JennML I went to an out of state college about 2 hours away, so I lived on campus there and came home occasionally. I haven't moved back home since, although my mom helped me out financially for a few years after college. Yes, I did have a job but my first job paid less than $20k in a HCOL area, and my second paid a little less than $25k. Now DH and I pull in about $75k combined with no consumer debt and we are totally independent from our parents... can't quite say the same for his sister and her husband (mid 30s and still mooching off their families).