Post by weezybear on Sept 27, 2011 12:08:31 GMT -5
One year I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetary plot for christmas as a christmas giift.... The next year I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked why? I replied " Well you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year" And thats how the fight started....
Sparkle.. Those little critters are in your yard? Cool.. They aren't causing any harm, are they? .. Each year I have a family of skunks who make my back yard their home.. They are soooo cute. The little ones follow their mama back and forth across the road and nooooooooobody bothers them..
Post by weezybear on Sept 28, 2011 11:22:50 GMT -5
Grandmother and her grandson sitting down for dinner when the Grandson says" Hey Gran, I can't find my pills, have you seen them anywhere, there marked LSD," Grandmother turns and says fuck your pills boy we have bigger problems" check out the dragons in the Kitchen.
Post by heart2heart on Sept 29, 2011 4:52:00 GMT -5
Q. Where do you get virgin wool from? A. Ugly sheep.
Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions? A. When you see someone you dislike backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. Why are women like condoms? A. They spend 90% of their time in your wallet, and 10% on your you know what. ;D
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
Post by heart2heart on Sept 30, 2011 7:43:27 GMT -5
There was a Minister whose wife was expecting a baby. The Minister went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Minister's family expanded, so would his pay check.
After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Minister's pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Minister got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is an act of God!"
In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up, and in his frail voice said... "Snow and Rain are also 'acts of God', but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"
An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband. It says,"I just let out a silent fart..what do you think I should do?" Hescribbles back,"Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."
Last Edit: Oct 1, 2011 19:28:30 GMT -5 by heart2heart - Back to Top
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for super. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it is they know what it is- so he doesn't tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "what's for dinner>" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what their eating. "OK" says her dad, "Here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "we're eating asshole!!" she screams.
A teenage granddaughter comes downstaies for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are the modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting ther with no top on The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate..... The grandmother says, Loosen up, Sweetit. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
the first kid comes up to her and says "Mommy, why did you call me Rose?" And the mother sais,"when you were a baby, I dropped a rose on your head." And the second kid comes up to her and says "Mommy, wy did you call me daisy." And mother said "When you were a baby, I dropped a daisy on your head." And the third kid comes up to her asd says "Rarrfgxdbgarblock" And the mother said,"not now Brick"
Post by Mad Dawg Wiccan on Oct 7, 2011 16:37:32 GMT -5
An Indian boy asks his father how he and his sibs got their names. His father replied, "When each of my children were born, I came out of the birth teepee and named them after the first thing that caught my eye. So your sister is Moon On Water, and your brother is Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Screwing?