Jokes

[Deleted]

[Deleted]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

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[NoNamePerson]

I love Maxine.. she get right to the point and says what most of us are thinking  

[NoNamePerson]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[Jaguar]

From Whocanibe :

Timmy : Timmy's Christmas Letter Dear Santa, How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day. Merry Christmas, Timmy Jones

Santa : Dear Timmy, Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with. Merry Christmas, Santa Claus

Timmy : Mr. Claus, Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite? Respectfully, Tim Jones

Santa : Mr. Jones, While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days. Very Truly Yours, S Claus

Timmy : Now look here, Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHATEVER I WANT, MAN! T-Bone

Santa : Listen Pizza Face, Seriously?? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake." Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia. S Clizzy

Timmy : Dear Santa, Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything. Timmy

Santa : Timmy, That's what I thought, you little bastard. Santa

[NoNamePerson]

Dec 16, 2013 23:21:26 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

 In my dreams!!!!

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

The Tradition of the Angel on Top of the Christmas Tree

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Needless to say Santa wasn't in the best mood.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa went to the door expecting another problem. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree there just to cheer Santa up.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[NoNamePerson]

[NoNamePerson]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

 Gun Control

It already has started at Cabela's

There was a bit of confusion at the Cabela's Sporting Goods store this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said:

"Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos running amok,  I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my gift card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

I STILL DON'T THINK I LOOKED THAT BAD!

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

NNP, My niece has been setting up "Elf on the Shelf" in different scenarios around her place each night this season here's a few of them that she created:


Elf on the Shelf crawled into a stocking - and used a marshmallow as a pillow:



Elf on the Shelf Hiding among her other Christmas Creatures:



Elf on the Shelf Wins a Snowball (Cotton ball) fight against Woody from "Toy Story":

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[NoNamePerson]

Your niece is very creative. Must take after her aunt. I only get pictures of "sick" Elf on a Shelf sent to me  

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

NNP - here's her latest "creation" - Naughty Elf on the Shelf got into the Eggnog - who knows what havoc he'll wreak next (especially if there's rum in it):

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[NoNamePerson]

[NoNamePerson]

[NoNamePerson]

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[Tired Tess]

What nationality is Santa Claus?


















North Polish!!

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

You'll have to be a "nerd" to get this one:

[NoNamePerson]

I get it - does that make me a nerd