billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jul 23, 2021 10:59:56 GMT -5
and then showed it to my wife and watched her face as it took her a minute also.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 25, 2021 16:09:10 GMT -5
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kadee79
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Post by kadee79 on Jul 26, 2021 13:08:41 GMT -5
Talking about unruly kids who scream or misbehave all the time....
"I just got back from Walmart and I have to share this! I found myself behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He had his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The granddad was saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.”
Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout the little horror was throwing items out of the shopping cart and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”
Well, I was really impressed, so I went outside to where the grandfather was loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the Grandad, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it! That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.”
“Thanks,” said the Granddad, “But I’m William. That little sh*t’s name is Kevin.” 😂🤣😂🤣
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 26, 2021 19:46:21 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Jul 28, 2021 19:47:53 GMT -5
Dear Diary: June 1st: Just moved to Texas! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here. June 7th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an Air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I’m turning into a sun worshiper. June 14th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here. June 21st: The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it’s kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected. June 28th: Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ole sun in a climate like this. July 1st: I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and ****s. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ole Mr. Sun strikes again. July 3rd: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it’s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. July 7th: Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can’t even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here? July 10th: It’s 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state. July 13th: If another wisea** cracks, ‘Hot enough for you today?’ I’m going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!! July 14: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass… Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat. July 15th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to do s*** for over a damn month and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can’t live in this damn heat. July 22nd: Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me “Hot enough for you today?” My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 31, 2021 9:55:46 GMT -5
I think I might have posted this a while back. Still funny.
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weltschmerz
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Post by weltschmerz on Aug 2, 2021 17:56:31 GMT -5
I'll post this even though I'm a natural blonde.
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. HE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Aug 3, 2021 18:13:05 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 4, 2021 2:18:19 GMT -5
I'll post this even though I'm a natural blonde. A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. HE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS. "I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO." 😳 😄😄😄
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 4, 2021 2:21:06 GMT -5
Up where they walk, up where they run Up where they stay all day in the sun Wanderin' free, wish I could be Part of that world 😏 😉
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Aug 4, 2021 9:34:31 GMT -5
Up where they walk, up where they run Up where they stay all day in the sun Wanderin' free, wish I could be Part of that world 😏 😉 Ariel was a little prettier than that fish!
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Aug 4, 2021 10:08:21 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Aug 4, 2021 19:53:29 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 4, 2021 21:42:15 GMT -5
Up where they walk, up where they run Up where they stay all day in the sun Wanderin' free, wish I could be Part of that world 😏 😉 Ariel was a little prettier than that fish! Hahaha... Ariel was my favorite princess.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Aug 6, 2021 9:01:28 GMT -5
A groaner for sure.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 6, 2021 9:13:44 GMT -5
A groaner for sure. Yes it is but still funny.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Aug 8, 2021 23:09:15 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Aug 11, 2021 16:56:27 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Aug 13, 2021 11:09:19 GMT -5
Float Alone
Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.
Saul the banker says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well." Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty is begins tugging Saul toward shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire.
Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"
Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 14, 2021 10:39:59 GMT -5
Tennesseer your post in memes reminded me of this joke for some reason. Oldie but goodie! Hide and Seek The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "Me!"
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Aug 14, 2021 11:13:25 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 14, 2021 22:20:51 GMT -5
Tennesseer your post in memes reminded me of this joke for some reason. Oldie but goodie! Hide and Seek The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "Me!" OMG! 🤪😁 Some years ago, on Christmas eve, I called my landlord, after slipping and falling/rupturing an implant, on unshoveled steps outside my apt. His 7 yr old son answered. Not feeling well, or patient, I asked to speak to his father. He told me No, his father was dead! WTF?!
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 15, 2021 7:50:39 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Aug 17, 2021 11:09:10 GMT -5
Credi Cards
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines are about to fail and we will have to attempt an emergency landing."
"Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach."
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
The pilot then announces "Odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 50 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 18, 2021 22:47:01 GMT -5
😁😁😁
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Aug 23, 2021 9:37:54 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 23, 2021 11:46:57 GMT -5
Hey, that started out as a blonde joke! Don’t be dissing us old folks. Shame shame!
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Aug 25, 2021 20:03:57 GMT -5
The Graveyard
A man's car breaks down in the middle of the night. He knows the area well and realizes that the quickest way to the nearest service station is through an old graveyard.
He's walking along the headstones when in the distance he hears a faint tapping noise. As he gets deeper into the graveyard, the eerie tapping gets louder and louder. He very anxiously turns a corner and sees the source of the tapping is an old man with a hammer and chisel, hunched over a headstone.
Relief washes over him and he says, "I was beginning to freak out because of that noise. I thought this place might have been haunted. What on earth are you doing here so late at night anyway?"
The old man merely continues chiseling and says "They spelled my name wrong."
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 26, 2021 9:35:52 GMT -5
When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a daring proposal;
-Whoever dares to jump, swim to shore and survive, I will give 1 million dollars.
Nobody dared to move, suddenly a man jumped into the water and desperately swam towards the shore while he was chased by all the crocodiles.
With great luck he arrived, taking the admiration of everyone in the place, then the owner announced;
-We have a brave winner.
After collecting their reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him; he was very brave to jump, then the man said;
-I didn't jump, someone pushed me!
His wife smiled ...
Moral: "Behind every successful man, there is a woman who pushes him."
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Aug 26, 2021 23:29:37 GMT -5
Hey, that started out as a blonde joke! Don’t be dissing us old folks. Shame shame! Here's a blonde joke.
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