Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Feb 16, 2019 14:18:28 GMT -5
The children began identifying the LifeSavers' flavors by their color.
Red.........Raspberry Yellow.....Lemon Green......Lime Orange....Orange
Finally, the teacher gave them honey flavored LifeSavers. None of the children could identify the flavor. The teacher said "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spat out her LifeSaver and yelled "Oh my God! They're assholes."
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Feb 16, 2019 17:41:12 GMT -5
The children began identifying the LifeSavers' flavors by their color. Red.........Raspberry Yellow.....Lemon Green......Lime Orange....Orange Finally, the teacher gave them honey flavored LifeSavers. None of the children could identify the flavor. The teacher said "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spat out her LifeSaver and yelled "Oh my God! They're assholes." Are you sure that wasn't Little Johnny in drag?
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Feb 17, 2019 7:38:01 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Feb 17, 2019 7:41:13 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Feb 17, 2019 10:43:47 GMT -5
The last 4 letters of “queue” aren’t silent. They’re waiting for their turn.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Feb 17, 2019 11:52:17 GMT -5
"Doctor, this hemorrhoid cream you prescribed me caused a really nasty reaction when I applied it."
"Where did you apply it?"
"On the bus."
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Feb 17, 2019 11:55:35 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Feb 18, 2019 15:22:57 GMT -5
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
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toomuchreality
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Feb 18, 2019 15:40:09 GMT -5
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Post by toomuchreality on Feb 18, 2019 15:40:09 GMT -5
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...." They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him. Hahaha 🤣
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toomuchreality
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Feb 18, 2019 15:48:42 GMT -5
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Post by toomuchreality on Feb 18, 2019 15:48:42 GMT -5
First, I am on a Samsung tablet. That didn't work but I pressed and held. That brought up the option to open it. I did and then it played. I am on my Samsung tablet too. Ha! I am on my Samsung phone and I only had to tap it once. I win! 😉 🤣🤣🤣
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Feb 18, 2019 16:13:31 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Feb 19, 2019 16:59:27 GMT -5
Church service
One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.
Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Feb 20, 2019 0:48:15 GMT -5
Church service One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. "Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this? "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque. Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?" Bwahahaha! I wouldn't have dared say it, but growing up, this would have been SO good, even just to think of. In fact, I almost feel a little better about all those years I had to go, even now. -heh.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Feb 20, 2019 1:12:11 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Feb 20, 2019 18:05:43 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Feb 21, 2019 12:43:18 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Feb 21, 2019 18:22:40 GMT -5
WOW brought back memories. Ex and I were given a puppy - part Chihuahua part Manchester. Not as dramatic as the cartoon but Tido had the legs of Manchester and the body of teacup Chihuahua. He was downright comical in looks and personality.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Feb 22, 2019 11:28:25 GMT -5
Traffic Court
A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."
He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' two hundred times."
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Feb 24, 2019 8:31:39 GMT -5
I read, 'Do you have any goat milk'. Where's my coffee.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Feb 24, 2019 8:32:17 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Feb 24, 2019 8:34:01 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Feb 24, 2019 8:37:04 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Feb 26, 2019 11:30:26 GMT -5
Irishman is visiting Toronto & walks into a bar
sees his friend there, drinking.
"Seamus! I thought you were back in Ireland! What are you doing here in Canada?"
"Well, I saw a sign that said 'Drink Canada Dry' so I thought I'd give it a go."
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Feb 26, 2019 11:47:14 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Feb 26, 2019 20:57:10 GMT -5
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Feb 28, 2019 11:49:17 GMT -5
have never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Feb 28, 2019 12:40:42 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Mar 2, 2019 18:20:34 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Mar 2, 2019 18:23:24 GMT -5
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad.
The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”.
The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”.
The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”.
The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”?
The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Mar 2, 2019 18:24:30 GMT -5
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
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