Personal Problem :(

[3jsmom31]

Still LMAO about chopping off his penis....... They may never see the issue. I have a 70 year old uncle who is trying to survive since his mother passed away. She was supplementing his income all these years and now he's on his own. You know what? He's managing. What a loss that he had to live 70 years not knowing that he could. He was a crappy brother, too

So the pattern is the poor little brother that everyone has to defend, so they learn to be entitled, cared for, learn to manipulate to get what they want, and the poor older sibling who has to do all the hard work of training the parents..... sigh.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I have panic attacks about something happening to my parents because guess who is next in line? No way I want him showing up on my doorstep and there is no way in hell I could support the mortage on their house to keep his sorry little butt living there.

I know it's really not my problem, but at the same time it IS my problem because I am not an only child and everything goes to me when they die. He's an adult too and it's going to make my life hell to deal with all their unfinished business while at the same time figuring out how to evict his ass when he has just as much claim to the house as I do.

[3jsmom31]

It will be alright, drama. He'll already know that you aren't going to be his mommy, but do watch out, I have seen wild backstabbing from the entitled child when the parents passed away..... Lets just hope that is a long way off!

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Should be they are in their early 50's. The house would probably have to be sold anyway due to their finanical situation, but I can see my brother being just enough of a PITA legally that I'd finally beat his head into the concrete like I have been wanting to do for months now.

They have no estate and besides a few personal things there is absolutely nothing I want. I just don't want to inherit my brother and his issues along with having to clean up everything else left behind.

[mizbear]

dramaq- My brother is closer to sheila's brother's age than yours, but I have the same issue you do as far as DM backing him and protecting him and him feeling entitled and baming me for everything- and on top of that I am supposed to take responsibility for everyone's mess.
I have found very recently that sometimes you have to walk away. It does not make you a bad person, but I have spent almost 35 years cleaning up everybody else's messes and now it's time to make a life for me.
Make a life for yourself. They can choose to be in it or out of it on your terms.

[seriousthistime]

Okay, so there are many of us out here. I had a very uncharacteristic meltdown the other day because I learned that one sibling is dodging my phone calls and texts. I may have oldest child syndrome. They think that life is so easy for me, that I disapprove about how they live their lives (and there's something to that, but I don't harp on it with them, I just am not as supportive as they think I could be about certain things which in my view are irresponsible or at least trouble waiting to happen). At any rate, the other day I found myself shouting expletives into the phone with one sibling who was telling me that the other was dodging my texts and calls.

The thing that pisses me off is that I have gone out of my way to help these siblings. I have not just loaned but given them money when they were desperate. The other sibling does not have a credit card and has asked me repeatedly to buy items on the internet for him (and I have been paid back for those items, too). I see how they run their lives and at most I give suggestions such as getting a secured credit card so they don't have to bother me. But the thing that got to me the other night was all that I have done over the last year alone to help out the sibling who is dodging me now. And then I thought back about how one-sided the contact has been over the years, except when they need something. So I am not attempting to make contact anymore. It hurts.

But this is not about me, it's about the OP. If you are concerned about the deployment, once he's deployed, why not get his address and send him some letters, maybe a care box or two with some goodies from home, and so on. Even if you never hear from him, I gather from people who've been deployed that they appreciate contact from home more than anything and any other time. And if something happens, you will at least feel that you attempted to make things right.

ETA:

If you are not being treated with love & respect, check your "price tag". Perhaps you have marked yourself down. Its you who tell people what you're "worth" by what you accept. Get off of the "clearance rack" and get behind the glass where they keep all the "valuables"....bottom line is.... "value" yourself more..Repost if you like... You might help someone get off the clearance rack...

[bring in the new year]

Sorry for all of you going through the sibling breakups.

drama, you might want to mention to your mom if she brings it up again, that yes, it's just pot. For an alcoholic, it's just a beer. There are some people who can tolerate it and some who can't. It doesn't matter what you're using, if you need to use it to screw up a job application, you have a problem.

Actually, it sounds a lot like he's clinically depressed. Has anyone suggested he talk to someone?

What my sister and I found helpful to get through a difficult time was to find something else to talk about. Think of them as old school buddies and talk about sports teams or anything else that's nonconfrontational. I'm not saying you should enable, but they are your brother(s) and unless they're going to move 7 hours away and change their names, you're going to have to deal with them.

But if you think of them as someone you're not responsible for, someone you would never lend money to, someone you would never find a job for, that may change the way you're speaking to THEM and that may change the conversations.

[mizbear]

seriousthistime- I like that- oldest child syndrome! ;D

I got my sig line from another poster who said I could use it and pass it along- I just think it fits for many of us.

I was explaining to my 10 year old niece the other day that no family is perfect (she wants to come live with me) and no situation is perfect. Her response to this was "Well, why can't God spread the crazy out a little more between families!?" After nearly wrecking the car laughing, I assured her that God was handing out plenty of crazy to others as well.

[3jsmom31]

That is too cute, mizbear.

I like the idea of sending a care package. I'll see if the kids want to write to him, too. Here's hoping mom can get the address.

What each one of us have in common with our siblings is that we "help" them, then we become the bad guy for whatever reason. I'm sorry for all of your pain, but I'm glad to know that it's not just me. I looks like I'm in good company. I think the superficial relationship is all I need or want. I just missed the old, old days when we'd have fun together

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Actually, it sounds a lot like he's clinically depressed. Has anyone suggested he talk to someone?

Yes, MULTIPLE times. I spent an entire day I should have been working looking up low to no cost therapy for him and my mom even went so far as to set up an appointment with him thru her EAP.

He didn't bother with any of it. After all the crying to my husband about how no one loved him or cared about his problems or wanted to help him and us bending over backwards he didn't even LOOK at the information we collected.

Part of what we can't get thru his skull is that he is over 18 and unless he hurts himself or someone else or has to attend thru court order he has to do the legwork himself to get help.

He isn't intersted in getting help, it was one more hoop my parents and myself had to jump thru in order to prove ourselves to him.

I told DH I am done with it because I did pretty much all I can do since he is an adult now. I am not playing the "If you love me, you'll get me help" game again.

It's amazing how many people have older sibling syndrome. Yet I have people telling me that I "owe" DD a sibling because she should get to experience that bond.

Yeah. .. threads like this make me really question what is in people's heads when they suggest that I owe DD a sibling bond.

[bring in the new year]

It's not that you owe dd a sibling.

But when it works, and it works both for me and for a lot of my friends and family, it's pretty damn wonderful. It's someone else who remembers crazy and it's someone you can rely on.

But I won't say it was easy (at least for me & my sis) to get here. There was stuff we had to get past and there were cetainly years when I spoke to her once or twice a year. But now, it's more like once or twice a day and I don't know what I would do without her. (Of course, when she pissed me off last week, I was thinking about that.)

So, you don't need to have a sibling and you don't need to have a relationship with them. But you also don't need to think that the relationship you have with them in your 20's is what you're stuck with.

I say it again. I was the big sister and she was the little sister and we fought like cats and dogs. Once we stopped having our conversations be about our childhood and started having them about other things like crosswords and movies and football, it changed how we spoke to each other. And that was how we moved on to the next level.

Drama, I'm so sorry that he's stuck in chemical dependency. I hate to say it but your best hope is that he gets himself arrested before it's too late.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

It's all right bridget, DH and I have said the exact same thing and I am sitting back waiting for the call.

I know having another kid is not nesscearily sentencing DD to what I am going thru, it's just a very sore point for me right now. Especially when people go on about how "awesome" it is to have a sibling. In all honesty I'd rather be an only child right now.

Which wasn't always the case, but looking at pictures of us when we were kids makes me that much more upset and pissed off at the whole situation. I know there is no way for me to know what happened, but what the hell happened to that kid in the picture and us?

I'm more open to the idea of having another child, it's just not something I am particularly keen to talk about with other people. Which I have made clear and so has DH. We both don't exactly have good relationships with our brothers and we don't want people trying to convince us how "awesome" it is to have a sibling right now.

I know they don't know, but it's like when we were married and people started in on us before the ink dried on our license about when we were going to have A kid. DD just turned one and I had my SIL ask me when I planned on #2 less than 24 hours after I gave birth!

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

This message has been deleted.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

That it wasn't always and might not be this way later is an argument my mom has been using on me to try to get me to talk to my brother again. I told her when he isn't a douche I'll be happy to have a relationship with him again but I am not going to be sucked back into his orbit based on the fact that something "might" happen. That's emotional blackmail.

So I'm all sorts of effed up on the whole notion of siblings right now. Which is bleeding over into whether or not I want to have a second kid. I know I shouldn't let those hang ups get in the way, but they are.

I got time. DH and I have given ourselves a 5 year window before we decide on a permenant form of birth control. I just stopped talking to my brother a month ago. There's time to work out my issues.

[Pants]

Jul 14, 2011 14:08:31 GMT -5 3jsmom31 said:

The ball in his court sounds right. I haven't seen him in years and he was in this area a while back to wrap up some business. He had his girlfriend with, and we visited, and I smiled and nodded a lot. Then I had a stupid, weak moment, and called him up to see if he wanted to hang out for a little while, without the GF, to catch up, etc. That call went badly when he started extolling the virtues of this girl. I said well, I don't know her, I'm uncomfortable around her, but I was careful not to get sucked into the insult game. I just said well, I don't think it's a good idea to visit, have a safe trip back, got off the phone, cried a bunch........ My mom is the one trying to maintain something with him, but the gf is doing her best to block that, just like she did with me 2 years ago. Mom is really upset, and needs to talk. Before this woman came along, we'd fight and get over it.

While there are situations where people are validly trying to sabatoge others' relationships with their family, I'm going to take the other POV here.
He has a serious gf, and has for years, and he brings her around and you just "smile and nod". You then ask to hang out without her and define the call as "going badly" when he starts explaining to you why he likes her? And you then refuse to hang out with him if she's there?
If you were in his position and your family so obviously hated your long-term and serious partner, what would you do? I would probably be angry and hurt and not really want a relationship with people who hated the person I've chosen to spend my life with. I would probably try to explain why she was a good person and they should give her a chance. And if that didn't work I would probably be very angry.
As the gf, I probably wouldn't try to "block" advances from his family, but as someone who has in-law problems, I have been known to pull stupid stuff.
I dunno, I'm not trying to criticize but from what you've provided here it seems like a good part of this could be solved if you could see it from his/their POVs.

[midjd]

no. I've been down that road with my father many times, and I just realized that he doesn't care enough to have a relationship with me so I stopped trying. If he has to be told to call me on my birthday and other times, I'd rather him not call. He left a message for me on Mother's Day and I didn't return the call. I haven't completely been able to let all the hurt go, so it's best for me if I limit my interactions with him.

Same here. I went 2 years without seeing or speaking to my father, and didn't invite him to my wedding... I finally saw him a couple of weekends ago (for about 5 minutes). It went OK but I'm certainly not going out of my way to spend time with him. To some extent I've mentally "divorced" him but it is still best to limit interaction, he can't play nice for long.

And my brother is not unlike DQ's, though he does appear to be on an upswing. My mom has EXACTLY the same attitude - drug tests are a huge conspiracy, it's "just pot", etc. Well, if he is being kicked off sports teams and disqualified from internships because of pot - MAYBE he should quit smoking? At least for a little while? Just throwing that out there. And I didn't smoke pot in HS but I certainly can't imagine my mom being OK with me asking, "Hey, I'm gonna flunk this drug test, can I borrow $40 for the Clean Pee stuff?" let alone giving me the money. Hell, I got in trouble for pretending to smoke cigarettes. The thing that bugs me is that my brother already has, to some extent, the "my luck is horrible, everyone's out to get me, nothing's my fault" attitude - and my mom constantly reinforcing it by framing it all as some giant conspiracy against him doesn't help.

Anyway, to the OP - you need to figure out what is best for YOU. Don't worry about what your family members say - you need to do what you need to do to keep yourself in a good frame of mind.

[3jsmom31]

bschoolbound: It's true. I don't like her (or even him ). There is a good reason that I don't like her. I was trying to get along when they visited, that is why all the head nodding, I didn't want to say the wrong thing, I was actually glad to see him, and finally got to see his 2nd child, etc.... Then I had a weak, stupid moment where I thought it was possible to connect with him, but when he started telling me how true and real she is and how aggressive and wrong I am, I just didn't want anything to do with either one of them. So maybe you're right, he was explaining to me what a great gal she is. He'd have to explain it, because it doesn't show

ETA and take back.... I had a long post explaining the situation but then I realized that the details don't matter, and I'd be unhappy if I tried again beyond just being civil or sending a care package with no expectation except more insults....

[seriousthistime]

Actually, years ago when a sibling was diagnosed with some ailment resistant to treatment, my DM and DSF told me that they wanted to help that sibling by bring the sibling and sibling's youngest child to live with them. (Trying to be gender neutral here, so don't want to say him or her.) I assured my parents that I didn't think we were to that point. My sibling told me that alternate living arrangements were not needed, although if the parents were inclined to help, they could give money.

So yeah, there's a whole lack of responsibility here. Reading the posts, I have not read anything that sounds different than what I have been going through.

But, OP, it's not just the care packages in deployment, it's also a short letter, handwritten if possible, talking about things, asking how things are going, and just sending a message from home that helps soldiers get through the day. Send photos, many letters, and a few care packages, and he will know you care.

[3jsmom31]

Thank you.

[pepper112765]

Jul 15, 2011 10:34:42 GMT -5 sheilaincali said:

What is it with mothers and baby-ing their sons? My brother is 34 and my mom now pays all of his bills, balances his checkbook, babysits so he can mow the lawn and buy groceries (he has 50/50 custody), and defends him at all costs. His weekends with the kids he spends all his time at my parents and will "wander off" at nap and feeding times so mom and dad have to do it all. My parents are convinced that they are doing this "for the grandkids" and that without them they wouldn't be properly taken care of.

In return my brother refuses to call them Mom and Dad and insists on calling them by their first names, makes my mom cry at least twice a day, screams obscenities at my dad and embarrasses them every single day. My brother is a joke that my dad employs. All of the employees HATE my brother and he tells them every day that "I will make my dad fire you" if they speak out against him.

We have a family reunion this weekend and he has decided to grace it with his presence. Under the condition that my parents drive him up there and pay for his lodging, food and water park admission all weekend. Yeah- I have cousins I haven't seen in a decade and I know longer want to go just because I know my brother will ruin the weekend. He will also offend my grandma (who's surprise 85th b-day party the reunion really is).

Drug testing your brother- it's common. My guys are laborers that make concrete products, half of them don't have licenses and have criminal records and every single one of them gets drug tested. It's a requirement that our insurance agency demands.

There is a saying, mother's love their sons and raise their daughters. The dynamic can be from a number of things, the boy being the youngest, or even being the only boy. Or, as in a lot of instances, being raised solely by their mothers. Girls naturally mature faster and are more responsible. However, a lot of mothers are not raising boys with an eye toward manhood by teaching how a man should treat a woman by what she expects and accepts. And when they don't do a good job of this, they let him out loose in the public to ruin some young woman's life because they never learned responsibility and respect. Or worse, end up with some woman that is not as desireable because that is all he can get because no decent woman will want him.

[sheilaincali]

pepper- interesting insight. In my own family my mom tends to baby my brother out of a sense of guilt. My brother is a VERY difficult person to be around and she has admitted to my dad before that she really doesn't like my brother. So I think she is compensating for not liking him as a person. Seriously- the kid is a world class jerk.
At a family reunion this weekend more than one of my uncles suggested my dad take a firm hand to my brother because he was out of control.

On a side note I will have watch how I raise my son. I like to think I am raising him right but you never know.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

My brother threatens to kill himself every five minutes, so I know that is a huge part of it for my mother. Yes it is easy to say she should call his bluff but I understand that is easier said than done. DH's mother was the same way with him when he was a problem child in his 20's.

DH has agreed it does not do my brother any good to be coddled, but there is something about mothers and their "babies".

Which is also what irrates me because if I behaved like he does I would have been knocked into next Tuesday by both our parents. It gets really irritating to be held to one standard while he is held to another. I don't WANT to be held to his standard, but still. If that makes any sense at all.

[pepper112765]

Thanks sheilaincali,

This is from personal observation. I have a brother who is the only boy (last of the line and all that bull crap) and the youngest. I have also dated some real mama's boys. It is also a refrain of a lot of my friends about how boys/men these days are raised (not). Irresponsiblity is a huge, huge, pet peeve of mine. Handle your business and stop waiting for someone to do it. I am also the main caregiver (for want of a better word) of my son who is 16. I stay in his sh*t all the time. He does his own laundry, I will even have him cook a few meals, do yardwork, clean the car, etc., He knows to open a door for a lady and all the things that I think that young men should know. I constantly say to him that if you are not educated, have a goal, a plan and ambition no decently raised young lady will want him ... I also don't want him depending on some control freak idiot to feed him meals because he didn't learn to fend for himself. Finally, he will not be 40 living in my house, unless he is disabled. It is my hope that he does not return after he completes college.

[Clever Username]

Just a quick side note.
Here was an evolution in my own head.
Notice, it's ignoring the possible legal or moral arguments for/against pot. It's simplly practical.

College, plenty of people smoked pot, some functioned well even in demanding fields. Others couldn't. I didn't like it, so I simply didn't smoke.
After college, a good friend of mine got caught during random drug screening.
I felt like your bro and mom, what he does at home should be his own biz, they're just picking on him.
I was vaguely aware that my friend might have smoked, it didn't shock me when it came out. I never gave it much thought. He wasn't a burn out.
So, he had a rehab class and ongoing testing to get back into work.
He failed.

That was the turning point in my mind.
You can be addicted to pot. If you know you'll loose your job and you still smoke, you have an addiction. Go get help.
Gambling and alcohol are legal. I'd tell you to go get help if you were addicted to those too.
Your brother needs help.

Employers simply choose not to hire dope smokers. There's nothing wrong with that decision.
If you brother won't give up the weed. Let him find an employer willing to hire him knowing his habits.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I don't think he wants a job period because he's found jobs even with the pot smoking and quits them or loses them. Last one I don't know if he quit or got fired. I know he called my husband and told him that he was sick "because of the smell" and wanted to quit.

He worked in a freaking bar for crying out loud. I used to work in a fish resturant and came home smelling like tartar sauce. My husband works in a bacon processing plant you can imagine what he comes home smelling like (not to mention that I could cook with all the grease that comes off his clothes).

If you can't even handle working in a bar without looking for some excuse to quit then there is no hope for you.

I did mention that to my mother when she was going on and on about him "losing" the job. Hope that plants a bug in her ear, but somehow I doubt it.

Dh and I know he quit his last job before this one, he lied to my parents and told them he got fired. Neither one of us want to touch it with a ten foot pole because we know we'll be shot for being the messenger. I figure my dad works in the same business so the shit will hit the fan eventually, someone will blab.

[pepper112765]

Jul 21, 2011 14:22:59 GMT -5 Clever Username said:

Just a quick side note.
Here was an evolution in my own head.
Notice, it's ignoring the possible legal or moral arguments for/against pot. It's simplly practical.

College, plenty of people smoked pot, some functioned well even in demanding fields. Others couldn't. I didn't like it, so I simply didn't smoke.
After college, a good friend of mine got caught during random drug screening.
I felt like your bro and mom, what he does at home should be his own biz, they're just picking on him.
I was vaguely aware that my friend might have smoked, it didn't shock me when it came out. I never gave it much thought. He wasn't a burn out.
So, he had a rehab class and ongoing testing to get back into work.
He failed.

That was the turning point in my mind.
You can be addicted to pot. If you know you'll loose your job and you still smoke, you have an addiction. Go get help.
Gambling and alcohol are legal. I'd tell you to go get help if you were addicted to those too.
Your brother needs help.

Employers simply choose not to hire dope smokers. There's nothing wrong with that decision.
If you brother won't give up the weed. Let him find an employer willing to hire him knowing his habits.

There won't be too many employers that will. At that point it is a choice, smoke weed or be unemployed. If you are unemployed how are you then purchasing weed? In my opinion smoking that stuff just makes you lazy and steals your drive. And, finally, a weak-willed and weak-minded person would continue to smoke even if it threatens their ability to make a living. That's just stupid and WEAK.

[sheilaincali]

pepper- my DS is 13 and we seem to be raising him pretty similarly to how you are raising your son. It's just the three of us (DH, DS and I) so we spend a lot of time talking about life, expectations, etc. DS has a healthy amount of chores he is expected to do (which he does without complaint 97% of the time), he comes to work after school with me and has some responsibilities there too. We give him an allowance and he has to use it for anything he purchases for himself (video games, special snacks, iTunes songs, etc)

I frequently use my brother as an example on how not to act in life.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

If you are unemployed how are you then purchasing weed?

Dh and I are pretty sure he is dealing, but we don't have any real proof. It just makes the most sense as to how he gets pot without having any money.

We're also pretty sure that is where the "$20 for gas" has been going and another reason we put a kibosh on it. DH even told him that, it didn't go down well.

Also think he has or is stealing from my parents at times. It's why when I pay my parents the rent I NEVER leave the money at their house unattended. I always hand it to my father directly.

Leaving $400 where a pothead can just take it and claim I never brought it over is just plain stupid.

[flopsy]

wow you guys must have grown up being much closer to your siblings that i was. i would have no qualms about stopping all communications with one of them if they're being immature, irresponsible, laying blame, etc.

i stopped talking to my brother for awhile because he was throwing tantrums over not being able to spend money on stupid shit or go out and do fun things because he had no money. he had no money because he wouldn't get a job that wasn't his dream job when his dream job would never pay a living wage. all these tantrums would morph into a fit of jealously about how his sisters with jobs were just lucky. it got old fast and since my father told me to stop criticizing my brother there was only one choice for me.

while we'll never be best friends it would be nice to not be full of rage every time i see him so i hope he grows up soon.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

while we'll never be best friends it would be nice to not be full of rage every time i see him so i hope he grows up soon.

That's where I am at. I've never been super close with my brother, we are six years apart, but we were closer as kids than we are now.

And it'd be nice to think about him without the urge to beat his head into the concrete until his brains splatter out all over the ground.

Plus I now have a daughter and despite him being a douche it kills me that my problems with him are affecting her relationship with him.

She adores him and is too little to understand why I don't want him around and why it hurts me that he is not a better uncle towards her.

He loves her, a lot, but unless he can get his shit together DH and I have agreed that while we will not prevent a relationship with DD, we are certainly going to monitor it.