Personal Problem :(

[3jsmom31]

Would you keep trying to have a relationship with a family member that seems to not want a relationship with you?

[pig]

Depends upon the circumstances.

[3jsmom31]

It's really complicated, of course, but a few years ago, I gave him a good rip for something he did wrong. Then he gave me a good rip because I didn't give him money when he did something I thought was stupid. We've never really come back from those things, but his GF seems to keep things riled up between him and his family.

Your quote is so cool. It fits what is going on here

[Deleted]

I would not waste the energy trying to get someone to "like me", relative or otherwise. What is the point of subjecting yourself to rejection over and over again?

[3jsmom31]

I had pretty much come to that, beerwench. I cried, got over it, moved on, don't think about them, but now another family member keeps bringing it up. Every day! She is still trying to maintain contact, and then tells me about what's going on.... I hate to tell her to stop talking about it, or she'll blow, and I am still mildly curious, but you are right. He used to be like my best friend, but now..... I guess part of me wants to have the good part of the relationship back, but it seems that is gone.

[Deleted]

It sounds like you've mourned "what was" but still miss "what could have been". And whoever keeps talking to you about it is not making it any better.

[3jsmom31]

Yeah, and thanks for the hug ... He is supposed to be deploying, so there is that whole sense of wanting things to be right "just in case" but it was never really my choice for things to be all screwed up. I will just toast what once was and let it go..... And damn, it still hurts

[Deleted]

Hopefully, since he is deploying, maybe he'll be the one to reach out. But you can't fix anything unless both of you want to fix it.
And a toast to good times is one of the best reasons to imbibe (my nic is 'beerwench" for a reason ).

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Right now I am not and it is distressing my mother, she is trying to get us to make up. I told her I am done being screamed at and called names and blamed for every single thing that is wrong in his life. It's not my fault I popped out first, it is not my fault I am six years older than him, it is not my fault that he screwed up his life while I didn't screw up mine.

But he has in his head that I am somehow the favored perfect lucky child who got all the breaks, so anytime something doesn't go his way, I get blamed for it.

I finally decided I am done with it. I told my mom my door is open once he decides to recognize that I am not the source of every concievable ill in his life. I will also not stand in his way of having a relationship with my daughter, but I am NOT going to jump thru his hoops anymore to prove I care about him anymore.

It really hurts, especially every time I see a picture of us as kids and it makes me angry when everyone questions me. I get the "what if something happens" speech too, but I just can't allow myself to be sucked back into his drama based on the possibility he might die tomorrow.

The ball is in his court, I am totally amieable to fixing things, but he has to get a freaking grip on reality and I don't see that happening in the near future.

[Deleted]

Jul 14, 2011 12:52:23 GMT -5 3jsmom31 said:

Would you keep trying to have a relationship with a family member that seems to not want a relationship with you?

no. I've been down that road with my father many times, and I just realized that he doesn't care enough to have a relationship with me so I stopped trying. If he has to be told to call me on my birthday and other times, I'd rather him not call. He left a message for me on Mother's Day and I didn't return the call. I haven't completely been able to let all the hurt go, so it's best for me if I limit my interactions with him.

[3jsmom31]

beerwench: I don't see that happening, but I would be open to it if he did.

dramaq1015: OMG... it sounds like we have the same brother...... The ball in his court sounds right. I haven't seen him in years and he was in this area a while back to wrap up some business. He had his girlfriend with, and we visited, and I smiled and nodded a lot. Then I had a stupid, weak moment, and called him up to see if he wanted to hang out for a little while, without the GF, to catch up, etc. That call went badly when he started extolling the virtues of this girl. I said well, I don't know her, I'm uncomfortable around her, but I was careful not to get sucked into the insult game. I just said well, I don't think it's a good idea to visit, have a safe trip back, got off the phone, cried a bunch........ My mom is the one trying to maintain something with him, but the gf is doing her best to block that, just like she did with me 2 years ago. Mom is really upset, and needs to talk. Before this woman came along, we'd fight and get over it. Those days have gone the way of the Dodo, lol. I do miss when we were friends, though. I got confused with all the smiling and nodding, I think, but he set me straight. Good thing, or I may have actually had a memory of him worth keeping.

moneyjenny82: I'm so sorry. I get what you mean about the hurt making any interaction hard.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

My husband made it worse by calling up my brother and yelling at him for calling me a name. I told my mom I had it out with my husband and told him to mind his own business. I understand his sentiment, but all he did was make it 20 times worse.

Then he got mad me for telling him to back off! I told my mom I am in a total no-win situation because now I have both the idiots mad at me and I didn't even do anything!

Last time this happened it was over something stupid he wanted me do when I was seven months pregnant and I said no. He didn't talk to me again until my daughter was born.

So I don't know when he will talk to me again, if ever. His life is such a trainwreck I honestly don't know if we'll ever be all right until he gets his shit together and who knows when that will be. It's painful because he's deep down a good kid and very smart, he could be as "successful" as I am, probably more so if he would pull his head out of his ass.

I've decided I am done, I am not playing his game anymore. He's smarter than this and I think part of what pisses him off about me is that I won't lower my expectations of him and I won't coddle him, I cut thru his BS. Everyone else including my husband is still drinking his kool-aid which makes it really hard sometimes to stand my ground and has me questioning my own judgement a lot, but I know I am right on this one.

[3jsmom31]

drama, being a big sister sucks. How long since you've felt like you were really friends?

[Deleted]

Look up the phrase codependant. There's a whole lot of it going on in your family. The ones bugging you to fix things up are just as dysfunctional.

Ya know, if one person says you have a tail you can ignore it. But if "everyone else" says you have a tail you might want to turn around and look.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Well we were starting to become friends as adult siblings around age 18. Then he graduated from high school, took a sharp turn left for a currently unknown to anyone but him reason and it's been downhill from there. He is now a pot smoking jobless 21 year old still living in my parents' house. So three years roughly.

I've been working really hard at at least staying polite and civil because I now have a daugher and want her to have a relationship with him at least, but as of the third week of June everything blew up and he hasn't spoken to me since. I am more upset that he refuses to acknowledge DD, but she's only a year old at this point so she doesn't understand.

I will make it a point and drilled into DH's head that there is to be nothing negative said about my brother when she is around. Our issues with him are our issues, we will let her make her own decisions about him depending on how things work out in the future. As of right now since she is too little to make her own decisions and I feel the right decision is to not block their relationship no matter how he feels about me at this time.

And I know my family is a whole lot of dysfunctional but I have to sit around and wait till they come to that epiphany on their own and suffer being the "bad guy" for now. No way I want to be sucked back in just because everyone else isn't ready yet to call a spade a spade.

[Jake 48]

Jul 14, 2011 13:01:35 GMT -5 @beerwench said:

I would not waste the energy trying to get someone to "like me", relative or otherwise. What is the point of subjecting yourself to rejection over and over again?

[Deleted]

And I know my family is a whole lot of dysfunctional but I have to sit around and wait till they come to that epiphany on their own and suffer being the "bad guy" for now. No way I want to be sucked back in just because everyone else isn't ready yet to call a spade a spade.

Then work really hard on not letting it bother you and even if it does bother you don't let your family see that. Including and especially your brother. They only pull the guilt trips and stunts because they think they can control you with it. Once they realise they can't it will stop. I had to do something like that with my Dad's family. I took it one step farther and made sure that as long as they were giving me a hard time they would not get anything they wanted from me. Even if they normally would have gotten it and it was unrelated to whatever they were giving me a hard time about. As Dr. Phil says, you teach people how to treat you. It has to be painful for them to treat you that way.

You will be surprised how much they will come around.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Then work really hard on not letting it bother you and even if it does bother you don't let your family see that

I'm trying to. It hurts more now that I have a kid because I feel it's unfair that he refuses to acknowldge her either simply because she is my daughter. I feel very strongly that just because we have issues that doesn't mean they need to affect her.

He won't even acknowledge I am alive right now, which is fine by me because it makes it easier for me to stand firm over the issue.

I did extend an invite to DD's birthday, but I am not holding my breath that he will show up. She is one so she doesn't really understand, but she adores him and it'd be nice if he was there.

My mom is more on my case about it because it distresses her and to an extent I understand that because we are both her kids and with my idiot brother still living in her house she probably gets it 24/7.

Ideally I'd like to her to "take my side", but I understand how she is feeling torn between her two kids.

I hope the last time i made it clear that I am done talking about it. I said I am sorry I popped out of her first, there is nothing I can do to change our birth order. I am done being his whipping post.

I said he is right when it came to my husband, BUT he is my husband and even if I disagree with him in PUBLIC I am going to agree with him. We had it out in private later and DH has been instructed to stay the hell out of my family business.

But otherwise I am done. I said I can't be held responsible for everything that is wrong in his life.

My dad has made no comment. Course he is in the same boat I am. Apparently my dad and myself are the cause of why my brother is the way he is going clear back to freaking toddlerhood.

I said till he is ready to accept that he is responsible for himself and pull his head out of his ass, I am done with the drama. I said I have my own kid to focus on and my own shit to handle, I am done having to juggle his too.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I think a lot of my brother's issues come from heavy pot smoking. It's like he was replaced with a pod when he fell in with that crowd and started heavily smoking. It floors me that my parents let that continue and my mom even waves it off as "it's just pot".

Umm. . .is nobody but me making the connection here that somehow he is obtaining pot yet can't pay you guys rent because he doesn't have a job? Where is the money for the pot coming from?

DH and I know but I am not touching that subject with a ten foot pole, I am staying the hell out of that one. I'll let fate catch up with my brother on that one.

I am tempted at times to spill the beans on everything I know, but I also know that at this time it'd backfire in my face and not only would I be sucked back in, but now I'd REALLY be the outcast of the family because people are not ready to hear it and I am going to be blamed for the outcome, which will not be pretty.

That's one of the few areas DH and I are in agreement when it comes to my brother. Shut up and let the lid blow off when it is ready to on its own because it's coming and in the meantime we need ot get as far away as humanly possible.

Like it or not we'll feel the aftershock to an extent, I am his sister, but we are trying to distance ourselves now so we don't get torn limb from limb.

[3jsmom31]

laterbloomer: You're probably right.

drama: I can honestly say I get it. I know he should do better. I see right through his BS and fibs. Here's the thing that I messed up on. I "rescued" my bro several times. It probably kept him from growing up. I used to say whatever I thought, even (or especially) if it was in the most cutting way. Here's the other problem. I was gutting him (cleverly). I don't treat other people that way. When I finally did the tough love thing over the money, it destroyed whatever little we had left. He thinks I betrayed him because I didn't send money. I didn't give in. He's survived these years without me, sometimes by begging off other family members. You'll get through this okay. Me, too. Until the recent visit (dredged up old anger), my bro would call once in a while, and even once since. It is just so superficial. I guess I was longing for something on a deeper level. I will just stick with being civil if he calls again ....

ETA: When the lid blows, it will be his problem to work through. It sounds like something that really bothers you, so I hope it blows while you are far away. It sounds like you have the same lack of respect that I have for my bro. And it sounds like you know you deserve respect and aren't getting it, but you can't squeeze blood from a turnip, and turnips can't give respect ....

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Yeah I enabled him too, it's taken three years for me to finally "check out". Part of it was he played off my deeply ingrained "big sister" mentality. Even though he is 21 years old now I still retain that need to "look out for him" and the dangerous thing is he is old enough now to be able to use it against me. Then I didn't want to make things hard on my parents by having feuding siblings on top of one of them still living in the house.

The final breakdown started when I was pregnant and we've been able to hobble along because he did right when it came to DD being born, he showed up at the hospital and showed his support. But he's been in a major downward spiral lately and finally crossed over the levee (flood joke, heh heh) of my personal tolerance and we had a row.

So I don't know what the outcome will be this time. I told DH that he did right when he came to the hospital, so I figure if he wants to do right again he will. It's not my job to chase him down and prove that I care about him. I think have done that MORE than enough times in three years.

I'd like something deeper too, it pained me to see a picture of us as kids on vacation because we are not nearly that close anymore and I also wonder what the hell snapped in his brain that made that happy little towhead into the person he is today?

I know I'll never know and I'd hurt myself trying to figure it out (that's a job for a professional), but it's painful and infuriating to watch someone piss away their life like that when they started out so bubbly and full of life.

Especially when they turn around and hate on you because you are "perfect" and "lucky".

I am sticking to my grounds of not apologizing or trying to coax him into talking to me. I made it clear to my mom the door is open when he is ready and I am also not going to keep him from seeing DD. It's up to him what he does with that information.

[3jsmom31]

"Especially when they turn around and hate on you because you are "perfect" and "lucky"."

And you know full well that it's not luck. You make decisions based on what your priorities are. I've heard the same line of crap from my bro. He makes decisions on his own, and then gripes about the outcome . Like getting a new DVD player, but begged money to pay the electric bill to watch it. It's not on you, except to quit doing your part. I think I'll have a talk with my mom about talking about him every stinkin day Maybe she can limit it to once a week, then I can have peace in the meantime.... Hugs, drama

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

My parents still work so I mainly only see them on weekends when I bring DD over. If the talk gets too brother heavy she's always there to either puke or poop and I have to head back to my house.

[mizbear]

dramaq- I think we may be related too! I have this issue with my DB. Most anyone else in the family if we have a blowup, things eventually smooth themselves over- sometimes it takes a big scare, but they do. Not DB. Everything is and will always be my fault. Wish him the best before he deploys, perhaps give him something useful or send him a small care package- but don't subject yourself to the drama.

Just make your own happy drama that makes you who you are- don't let them drag you down.

[3jsmom31]

I realized that the crud with my bro triggered me to spend on plants. I was outside playing in the jungle on my porch, and realized the timing on some new plants came after I got my feelings hurt. I had already decided I had enough earlier in the spring. I usually add a couple new faces each year, but I started plant hounding shortly after the thing with my bro. I didn't think I did emotional spending, but I do... It is cheaper than a psychiatrist, but maybe not as healthy

[sheilaincali]

I have had to deal with sibling drama twice so far. 7 years ago my sister and I got in a huge argument and didn't speak for 5 years. I missed out on the birth of her daughter and son. Wasn't there for her when her DD needed brain surgery at 2 weeks old. I was the older sister but we are both extremely stubborn and frankly she started it. But when I moved back to MN after 4 years in CA we reconnected- both agreed to just move forward and leave the past in the past. Now 2 years later we are quite close and speak daily. I see my niece and nephew nearly daily as well.

However, my younger brother is a total ass-hat. He accuses me daily of being "perfect" and a B-word. Disrespects my parents and everyone else in the family. Expects us all to feel sorry for him. He is a classic bully. Because of him I haven't been to a Sunday dinner (regular weekly thing) at my parents since last year. I refuse to go there and listen to him berate my mom for her cooking, bitch at my sister, ignore his kids, and act like a complete jerk to everyone. My parents think I should be nice to him because he is apparently the only person in the world to ever go through a divorce. Hello it's been 2 1/2 years and they still aren't divorced!

So- if you think there is something to salvage you can try to mend things with your brother but it won't work unless you are both willing. If he is like my brother- just forget about it. No amount of parental pressure is going to get me to like him again.

[mizbear]

3js- At least plants won't put on the pounds.

Put a note in your wallet that says something like this-

"Do I need this purchase?" "Why am I buying it?"

Check your answers.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

My parents think I should be nice to him because he is apparently the only person in the world to ever go through a divorce

If I have to hear one more time that my brother is part of the "lost generation" and that he is only 21 and is "still finding himself" I might actually hit my mother.

And don't get me started on how she sides with him on how drug tests are a giant conspiracy.



FWIW, I do agree that testing a busboy for pot is freaking stupid, but I said it is what it is and as long as they keep doing them my brother needs to STOP SMOKING POT!

What is so hard to understand about that? Instead she encourages him in purchasing those stupid detox kits and actually thinks they work. Well not if you smoke pot right before the drug test they don't!

[sheilaincali]

What is it with mothers and baby-ing their sons? My brother is 34 and my mom now pays all of his bills, balances his checkbook, babysits so he can mow the lawn and buy groceries (he has 50/50 custody), and defends him at all costs. His weekends with the kids he spends all his time at my parents and will "wander off" at nap and feeding times so mom and dad have to do it all. My parents are convinced that they are doing this "for the grandkids" and that without them they wouldn't be properly taken care of.

In return my brother refuses to call them Mom and Dad and insists on calling them by their first names, makes my mom cry at least twice a day, screams obscenities at my dad and embarrasses them every single day. My brother is a joke that my dad employs. All of the employees HATE my brother and he tells them every day that "I will make my dad fire you" if they speak out against him.

We have a family reunion this weekend and he has decided to grace it with his presence. Under the condition that my parents drive him up there and pay for his lodging, food and water park admission all weekend. Yeah- I have cousins I haven't seen in a decade and I know longer want to go just because I know my brother will ruin the weekend. He will also offend my grandma (who's surprise 85th b-day party the reunion really is).

Drug testing your brother- it's common. My guys are laborers that make concrete products, half of them don't have licenses and have criminal records and every single one of them gets drug tested. It's a requirement that our insurance agency demands.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

You should have seen how my brother exploded when I said "Here is an idea, just DON'T SMOKE". OMG you would have thought I asked him to chop off his penis.

I don't think that is the right thing to do, but DH works with freaking drug takers of all sorts and what they do is they scam the system by abstaining long enough for it to clear their system.

Granted what they do doesn't stay in the system as long as pot, but since they have to go off site for testing they know when it is going to be, so they skip the drugs till they pee and then take them afterwards. Ta da!

Then my mother got on me about how it is all a giant conspiracy and my poor innocent brother is a victim of employers. No my brother is a victim of his own stupidity.

I wish my parents would kick his ass out of the house but I don't see that happening any time soon.

It's really lonely standing on the other side and waiting for everyone else to catch up. And meanwhile I am the bad guy because I am stirring the pot by making everyone have to acknowledge there is a problem here just by my refusal to keep drinking the Kool-aid