Work and raising a family...

[michelyn8]

I did what had to be done. My children were my responsibility so I made the necessary sacrifices to ensure they were cared for to the best of my ability.

There's no magic formula, no rule that says children require certain toys, gadgets or experiences. You do the best you can with the resources you have. If you want your children to have a certain lifestyle, then you should wait until you are able to provide those things for them without having to rely on family or government assistance.

[yogiii]

Jul 12, 2011 7:41:11 GMT -5 oped said:

Yogi I will say that one benefit of being home is that it became much easier to take hubby and me time alone, go on date nights again... Etc. Plus, while there is a pressure to being the breadwinner, it actually relieves the stress of who is raising the kids, who picks up today, who stays with a sick kid, who does the soccer/ ballet run.... Etc. While he helps out, it is not a primary concern for him at all ... In fact most of the daily household stuff is removed for dh in my being home... Which can also be, and in my dh case us sometimes more, 'burdensome'.

oped - I can see that. While I was on maternity leave, DH often told me that he appreciated everything I was doing at home but caveated that with the fact that it didn't mean he wanted me to stay home for good . We're really lucky to have family helping (not that I think daycare is bad at all) and I do plan to send DS to pre-school when he's about 3. I've talked a lot about how I'm actually more worried about our future work schedules, like when the kid(s) are in elementary school than now since I figure if an infant/toddler is well cared for that's all that matters but I don't want my kid(s) to feel that I couldn't be there for them when they're older (like not going to activities,etc), so that's why I'm trying to muddle through FT now so that hopefully we have more options in the future. It sure is hard though ...

[Deleted]

Jul 12, 2011 7:51:36 GMT -5 michelyn8 said:

If you want your children to have a certain lifestyle, then you should wait until you are able to provide those things for them without having to rely on family or government assistance.

I disagree. We rely heavily on our family. That is what family is for.

[happyscooter]

Trust me, I appreciate all of the time that I had with my children as they were growing up. When we went out to eat as a couple (very rarely), we paid a sitter. By the time we bought something for the kids to eat (chicken nuggets and fries or corndogs) paid a sitter and sometimes rented a movie/video game, then paid for our date night, we had spent a TON of money. Remember I am older than you are. It was easier to stay at home. Or take the kids with us. And they learned how to act in restaurants.

[AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP]

I haven't read the whole thread, so maybe this has been stated already- you can't plan it all. You can make sure your bills are paid and your EF is fully funded. You can be as certain as you can be that your income is stable, and you've got enough of a cushion in time and dollars to cover any contingencies like your baby being born 9 weeks early and spending 5 weeks in the NICU, and having to come out of pocket a tad over $7,000...but then, nobody (including us) ever thinks of that. But it happens.

The hardest part for us was the rigidity of work schedules at a traditional job. That's why I- that's why we both- from the start decided to dispense with that nonsense. I can't tell you how you're going to do it, or even if you will-- most people won't. But I can tell you this: it's a decision. It's not something to "see if it works out". It's not something you might do. It's not something you'll luck into. Like I said, I can't give you step by step nuts and bolts, and I can't make the decision for you, but I can guarantee this one thing: If you will make a decision to be free of a traditional job, there are many roads out there you can take to have plenty of money (usually more) and all the flexibility you want. For us it has been taking this less traveled road that has made all the difference.

IMHO, children are too precious-- and their developing years too short-- to leave raising them to others. We have been blessed with the opportunity to BOTH be full time parents, and we've never awoken to a day where the first two things we thanked God for was good health, and the chance to raise our kids ourselves. I know not everyone believes in God like we do, but God is good, and if you make it a priority, and you make that decision yourself-- to get out of the rat race and prioritize your life around your kids, God will bless it, and it WILL happen. It's a choice, but one God favors.

[happyscooter]

I think my MIL thought if she kept our children when they were babies (until they could go to daycare around 2 years old), we would spend that money frivolously. So at least we were using our money productively.

[pig]

Jul 12, 2011 7:50:58 GMT -5 happyscooter said:

Dr. Pig, it's hard to explain. Like we had to pay for a vacation place instead of using DH's parents place. That way we would appreciate our vacation more. So, if we had to pay for daycare, we would appreciate our time together more and appreciate our money more.

Oh I get it now. Thanks.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Jul 12, 2011 7:53:15 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

Jul 12, 2011 7:51:36 GMT -5 michelyn8 said:

If you want your children to have a certain lifestyle, then you should wait until you are able to provide those things for them without having to rely on family or government assistance.

I disagree. We rely heavily on our family. That is what family is for.

We do too. And the entire family is sane enough that when it's too much, something will be said and no one will take offense.

[swamp]

I'm not sure how I do it. My MIL and my parents are big helps. I'm self employed, so I have some flexibility, but when the dude in the black robe tells me I have to be somewhere, I have to be there. DH's job is also pretty flexible. I also have a great network of friends.

And my workouts are now at lunchtime and I each a brown bagged sandwich at my desk.

You manage.

[Deleted]

Jul 12, 2011 7:43:36 GMT -5 cael said:

Jen I'm hoping (or am I? lol) to be in a similar situation when we have our first... I'm starting grad school next spring & we want to think about TTC in a year, so I'd probably still be in school when baby is born, unless it takes us a long time. Luckily my mother will be around for day care, part-time at least if not full-time, as I will probably continue to work full time (I make more) and DF (DH by then! ;D) will probably be working part-time, watching baby and taking classes. It'll be tough... but the thing is, we don't want to wait until we're 35+ to have our kids, we'd rather have them soon and close together, so we're going to tough it out for a few rough years & have them while we're in school. Again, the resource of my mother is going to be great - she is practically drooling over the prospect of grandchildren, and doesn't work anyway, so I'm sure she'd take care of the kiddo(s) for dirt cheap or nothing.

Of course, this plan depends on us being able to get pregnant easily!

cael, I found out I was pregnant a month after I found out I was accepted to grad school. We're relatively young (I'm 28 DH is 27) and it took us 10 months to conceive. Honestly, if I knew then what I know now, I would have either deferred my enrollment or withdrew my acceptance altogether. This past spring I took two classes while working FT. I was tired, cranky, and stressed all the time. I felt like I never got to enjoy my pregnancy until now (and I really can't even now since I have a final project due Friday for a summer course) - and I wouldn't call this part enjoyable!

Like you, we didn't want to wait until I was 30 to start having kids, and we want to be done by the time I'm 35. In a way I guess it is good to do it all now while you have more energy. I must say that our place reached new levels of filth while I was in school - there was just no way I was able to do lots of homework/studying, resting, running errands, and maintaining a clean house!

I wish you the bst of luck with it all.

[Deleted]

Jul 12, 2011 7:56:27 GMT -5 happyscooter said:

I think my MIL thought if she kept our children when they were babies (until they could go to daycare around 2 years old), we would spend that money frivolously. So at least we were using our money productively.

Maybe you can appreciate it, but I would find it hard to not be resentful of my parents if they did that.

[swamp]

::I felt like I never got to enjoy my pregnancy::

Pregnancy is overrated. I found nothing about it enjoyable. I would have more children if they just sprang from me fully cooked.

[Deleted]

Jul 12, 2011 7:53:15 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

Jul 12, 2011 7:51:36 GMT -5 michelyn8 said:

If you want your children to have a certain lifestyle, then you should wait until you are able to provide those things for them without having to rely on family or government assistance.

I disagree. We rely heavily on our family. That is what family is for.

I agree with Arch. As long as family is willing and available, I don't see why they shouldn't help you.

[Deleted]

Jul 12, 2011 8:14:09 GMT -5 swamp said:

::I felt like I never got to enjoy my pregnancy::

Pregnancy is overrated. I found nothing about it enjoyable. I would have more children if they just sprang from me fully cooked.

the temp admin assistant who sat next to me said that she enjoyed feeling all the kicks and movements, even as she was trying to sleep. I never enjoyed that because I was dead tired at the end of every day... so much so that I would be passed out on the couch before 8:30pm on non-class days. The baby's movements were just another annoying interruption. But yeah, the rest of the pregnancy I can really do without.

[happyscooter]

moneyjenny, oh believe me, DH resents it a little, so do I. Especially when they did for DH's brother. (If you ever read the comments I made about them, you would understand). But MIL/FIL are the ones that missed out. They could have enjoyed some time with grandchildren. Played with them, sang to them, read to them. But they chose not to. Our daycare workers were wonderful, if we couldn't be there, these are the ladies I would have picked.

You do what you have to do. Again, I will help anyone out because no one helped us out. Until I am taken advantage of.

[Taxman10]

Jul 12, 2011 8:14:09 GMT -5 swamp said:

::I felt like I never got to enjoy my pregnancy::

Pregnancy is overrated. I found nothing about it enjoyable. I would have more children if they just sprang from me fully cooked.

my DW said she would gladly go through 10 labors if she didn't have to go through the 10 months of being pregnant again!

[swamp]

::the temp admin assistant who sat next to me said that she enjoyed feeling all the kicks and movements::

Ahh, she's one of "Those People"

[swamp]

Jul 12, 2011 8:26:14 GMT -5 Taxman10 said:

Jul 12, 2011 8:14:09 GMT -5 swamp said:

::I felt like I never got to enjoy my pregnancy::

Pregnancy is overrated. I found nothing about it enjoyable. I would have more children if they just sprang from me fully cooked.

my DW said she would gladly go through 10 labors if she didn't have to go through the 10 months of being pregnant again!

I agree with your wife.

[Wisconsin Beth]

:You do what you have to do.:

You do. And somehow it works out. Somehow our finances are sucking up about $1K a month right now. 18 months ago, $1K extra for dcp had us in the red.

[Deleted]

Jul 12, 2011 8:26:24 GMT -5 swamp said:

::the temp admin assistant who sat next to me said that she enjoyed feeling all the kicks and movements::

Ahh, she's one of "Those People"

LOL, yeah. She's also 10 years older than me, so she had a harder time getting pregnant and had to have the baby tested a bunch of times. I guess that will change a person's perspective.

[michelyn8]

Jul 12, 2011 7:53:15 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

Jul 12, 2011 7:51:36 GMT -5 michelyn8 said:

If you want your children to have a certain lifestyle, then you should wait until you are able to provide those things for them without having to rely on family or government assistance.

I disagree. We rely heavily on our family. That is what family is for.

I don't see anything wrong with family helping if they choose to do so. BUT in this day and age, its foolish for someone to "plan" on assistance from family when they decide to have children. Given that many, many young adults are the children of Boomers, you have to consider whether or not the grandparents are still going to be working when the grandchild is born. You also have to consider what kind of lifestyle they have planned for their retirement. Also, what if the grandparents are ones who had their children later in life (late 30's/early 40's)? By the time the grandchild comes along, they could very well be pushing 70 and in need of assistance themselves.

[Taxman10]

Jul 11, 2011 22:04:40 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

how did you make it work?

All this talk about babies got me thinking about how would we manage it when it happens.

I want to hear from single parents, married or divorce parents... between working/promotions... how did you make it work?

you just do...we were lucky that my wife could take maternity leave of 11 months with our first, she'll take 18 months with our second, and 9 - 22 months with our 3rd.

But for most families, you find daycares or relatives. When my wife works, our moms rotate watching the kids.

Kids to cut into your social life quite a bit. I used to go to the gym 2-3 hours a day 5 or 6 days a week. With 2 kids I haven't been to the gym in ~ 6 months??

One option would be my mother in law moving in with us. She is all for it, but we are both really reluctant and it's more like a last, very last option.

MIL moving in?? ugh - count me out!!

[Deleted]

Jul 12, 2011 8:26:24 GMT -5 swamp said:

::the temp admin assistant who sat next to me said that she enjoyed feeling all the kicks and movements::

Ahh, she's one of "Those People"

Call me weird, but except for the hip pain towards the end of my second, I absolutely loved every minute of being pregnant.

[Miss Tequila]

Jul 12, 2011 8:14:05 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

Jul 12, 2011 7:56:27 GMT -5 happyscooter said:

I think my MIL thought if she kept our children when they were babies (until they could go to daycare around 2 years old), we would spend that money frivolously. So at least we were using our money productively.

Maybe you can appreciate it, but I would find it hard to not be resentful of my parents if they did that.

I disagree with that. I don't think grandparents should be obligated to give up their lives to watch their grandchildren. They raised their kids, they shouldn't be expected to be built-in babysitters, too. My mom helps me out with our kids but she has never been their full time caregivers. I wouldn't think that was fair to expect of her.

And when I am older and a grandparent I am not sure that I would want to be tied down watching my grandchildren everyday, either. In a pinch yes, but 40-50 hours a week would be way too much for me...at least I think...maybe I will feel differently when the time comes.

I had a good friend get pissed off at her mom because she didn't want to give up her hobbies and travels to become a free babysitter for her grandbaby. My friend couldn't afford daycare and just "assumed" her mom would want to watch the baby. Talk about feeling entitled

[lazysundays]

I guess I never wanted the grandparents taking care of the kids like that. I guess it was part of the feminist/I can do it mindframe. There's no reason to rely on someone else. We can make it work ourselves. Let the grandparents live their lives and enjoy their freedom. BTW, none of the grandparents are out of the workforce yet, so even if we did live nearby, it wouldn't work (though I suspect gma would quit her part time job to be with baby)

[Wisconsin Beth]

MIL moving in?? ugh - count me out!! [image]

lol. DH and I talked about it, once upon a time. We'd be fine with my Mom but not my dad or his parents. It really depends on the personality and the traits/habits of the people involved. And I guess culture too.

[Miss Tequila]

Jul 12, 2011 8:36:17 GMT -5 lazysundays said:

I guess I never wanted the grandparents taking care of the kids like that. I guess it was part of the feminist/I can do it mindframe. There's no reason to rely on someone else. We can make it work ourselves. Let the grandparents live their lives and enjoy their freedom. BTW, none of the grandparents are out of the workforce yet, so even if we did live nearby, it wouldn't work (though I suspect gma would quit her part time job to be with baby)

I agree, but for different reasons. It has nothing to do with "I can do it on my own"...I just don't think it is fair to expect someone else to take over childcare duties and get upset when they are jumping at the chance. Babies and toddlers are A LOT OF WORK!LOL

[zibazinski]

I agree with Swamp. I would have loved 2 more but it wasn't meant to be. I'd take some now in a heartbeat but pregnancy was awful. I threw up ALL the time and had to be hospitalized for dehydration which brought on premature labor. Then had to go in on weekends for fluids. Both pregnancies were awful experiences but the kids are awesome.

[Deleted]

Jul 12, 2011 8:34:37 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

Jul 12, 2011 8:14:05 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

Maybe you can appreciate it, but I would find it hard to not be resentful of my parents if they did that.

I disagree with that. I don't think grandparents should be obligated to give up their lives to watch their grandchildren. They raised their kids, they shouldn't be expected to be built-in babysitters, too. My mom helps me out with our kids but she has never been their full time caregivers. I wouldn't think that was fair to expect of her.

And when I am older and a grandparent I am not sure that I would want to be tied down watching my grandchildren everyday, either. In a pinch yes, but 40-50 hours a week would be way too much for me...at least I think...maybe I will feel differently when the time comes.

I had a good friend get pissed off at her mom because she didn't want to give up her hobbies and travels to become a free babysitter for her grandbaby. My friend couldn't afford daycare and just "assumed" her mom would want to watch the baby. Talk about feeling entitled

DH's family is very much family-oriented. They have their own interests (kinda), but they are the type of people that put family first. So they have absolutely NO problem with watching the new baby. Plus, it'll be split between 3 people, so I don't think 1-2 days a week is really killing their social lives. We certainly didn't assume we'd have them watch our kids when we were planning for this one, but we did discuss it with MIL before we started trying. She said she'd be okay with it, so that's the route we're going. I'd advise people to check with your potential care providers BEFORE you get pregnant.

But for people whose parent or whoever is watching the kid full-time on their own - hey, if they are willing to do it, I don't see the problem. I never said people should feel obligated to watch their grandchildren, but I can't imagine not doing it to teach your kids some sort of lesson. Especially when they're obviously responsible adults. THAT is the part I would be resentful about.

[zibazinski]

That poster has some interesting family dynamics, as in obvious favoritism toward another sibling. That is so hurtful. My girlfriend's mom and mil each take the baby one day a week, the rest he goes to a sitter. This gives them bonding time and helps them out financially a "little." She is grateful and the moms sometimes trade days if their day doesn't work for some reason. Of course, in a pinch, they would help out more but ONLY in a pinch. Her husband is a teacher so summers he does it all.