TheOtherMe
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 14:40:52 GMT -5
Posts: 27,177
Mini-Profile Name Color: e619e6
|
Post by TheOtherMe on Apr 4, 2024 11:22:54 GMT -5
I'm trying to hedge my bets on what I share here, but the very little I know about what teen has been dealing with all on her own for years is horrifying and competes with any really bad abuse story I've ever heard. That poor child and it's probably happening to her siblings.
|
|
azucena
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 13:23:14 GMT -5
Posts: 5,202
|
Post by azucena on Apr 11, 2024 3:01:20 GMT -5
DD15 Outted bonus teen last night at the dinner table as having us in her phone as White Mom and White Dad ❤️ 💙 💜 💖 DH def shed a tear. He continues to connect with her more and more. She texted him and asked for oreos on his way home from work ROFL.
Took dd15 to new ped to address anxiety. Pedbprescribed Lexapro. We can't help but joke that there will now be an 8 pm pill line at our house.
We found a friend of friend to help with bonus teen hair.
Bonus teen is starting to have her friends over. Her hs bestie is a trip in all the best ways.
Dd11's therapist pulled the plug on school for the rest of the yr after a rough session tonight. She said it's adding trauma and really setting her back in therapy. Will get hw and homeschool her on the major items. Dh and I meet with public school on Monday. Dd is more willing to consider it every day.
Bonus teen has a gnarly cavity which sucks. Bio mom is supposed to be making an emergency dentist appt. We are going to push for medical power of attorney and see if she will consider. That's our major pain point.
Ideally some sort of guardianship would allow me to put her on my much better ins than state aid but bio mom is unlikely to go for that and teen has shared more detail on how bio doesn't believe in mental illness. Bio also thinks teen is just in lesbian phase. I'm realizing just how uphill both topics can be in AA culture.
Would love her to hear my friend Pink's perspective on any and all of this if she's following along. Happy to IM my cell # if convo is easier. Haven't wanted to call you out bc you're dealing with a lot yourself lately.
Oh and two evenings ago, teen pranked us with a fake nose ring that she said she pierced herself. She got DH first and when i got home he was like come see what she did. She was convincing but I had a small inkling that it was fake. Dd15 and dd11 were both stunned and watching how hard we were gonna lay down the law. ROFL and LMAO.
|
|
finnime
Junior Associate
Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.
Joined: Dec 23, 2010 7:14:35 GMT -5
Posts: 7,423
|
Post by finnime on Apr 11, 2024 3:53:44 GMT -5
I'm heartened to read how well bonus teen is being incorporated into the family, azucena. Between us I'm also glad to see your DD11 will be schooled at home for the rest of the year. She needs to regain her psychic strength and was finding it swept away repeatedly at school. Thank you for sharing! I don't regret what I did with my own DD when things fell majorly apart for her in middle school. I am convinced that had I not supported her decision to go to community college after 8th grade she would not be alive today.
|
|
azucena
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 13:23:14 GMT -5
Posts: 5,202
|
Post by azucena on Apr 11, 2024 6:08:04 GMT -5
My gut has said pull her but as of two weeks ago, therapist said she needs to go to help push thru the depression in some small way. I asked psychiatrist and new ped and they also forcefully agreed as did DH. He saw her come out of therapy yesterday and was the one the therapist said no more too.
The relief on DDs face was blessing. Then she said let's just do enough hw to get Cs mama. This from my straight A perfectionist child. I said amen, passing 5th is our goal lol.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,244
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 11, 2024 8:02:37 GMT -5
Took dd15 to new ped to address anxiety. Pedbprescribed Lexapro. We can't help but joke that there will now be an 8 pm pill line at our house.Gwen's best friend stayed at our house the one night and she's on medication too. At 8 pm four different phone alarms went off (mine, DH's, Gwen's and her friends). I said you get a pill, you get a pill everyone gets a pill! And make sure you check you got your own medication otherwise this is going to be an interesting evening.
|
|
TheOtherMe
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 14:40:52 GMT -5
Posts: 27,177
Mini-Profile Name Color: e619e6
|
Post by TheOtherMe on Apr 11, 2024 9:13:21 GMT -5
I love the way bonus teen has you and DH in her phone. She is feeling at home with calling you White Mom and White Dad.
|
|
geenamercile
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:40:28 GMT -5
Posts: 2,488
|
Post by geenamercile on Apr 11, 2024 10:42:56 GMT -5
My gut has said pull her but as of two weeks ago, therapist said she needs to go to help push thru the depression in some small way. I asked psychiatrist and new ped and they also forcefully agreed as did DH. He saw her come out of therapy yesterday and was the one the therapist said no more too. The relief on DDs face was blessing. Then she said let's just do enough hw to get Cs mama. This from my straight A perfectionist child. I said amen, passing 5th is our goal lol. I pulled Oldest out in 7th grade and home school 7th and 8th. 9th grade she had the full virtual option due to COVID and we took that to make it easier on me. Dad was 0 help with homeschooling. 10th grade she decided to attempt school because the elective she wanted Culinary arts couldn't be done virtually. It was a very rough year, with not wanting to go and absences, being picked up early. I ended up having FMLA coverage for needing to leave. 11th grade was better, not great but better. This year (12th) had been great. Sometimes a reset is needed.
|
|
azucena
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 13:23:14 GMT -5
Posts: 5,202
|
Post by azucena on Apr 15, 2024 11:07:57 GMT -5
Dentist was only able to give antibiotics and pain pill. Bio completely ignored me, most awkward thing ever. She's trying to make follow up appt with oral surgeons for two extractions. So far teen is on wait list in June. DH is going to call today and see if we can get her in somewhere and just pay cash.
Therapy Weds. Gotta try to get bio mom to use the therapist to mediate some sort of health poa or something. Still no calls back from Dr on meds. Complete dead end so will address that in therapy too.
I went out Fri night with a friend to see #IMOMSOHARD with tickets I bought us for xmas. We had a great night. Unfortunately, DD15 went downstairs and tapped bonus teen on the head from the back of the couch not realizing she was asleep. This set off a huge panic attack. DD15 called me really upset. I got home 30 mins after and debriefed her after checking that teen was already asleep. Both girls and DH now know not to touch teen if she's napping. I'd been walking up to her talking every time, but didn't think to clue them in.
Sat night teen had a night terror that I can only describe as completely reliving some of the abuse. She was talking and it was all I could do to stay in the room with her because it was one of the worst things I've ever seen. She refused to talk about it when I asked the next day.
Teen and DD15 spent some time Sat with teen's gma. Partly good, partly hard.
Prom in a couple weeks is coming together for both girls as they are going with junior theater friends.
DD11 and I volunteered with spec oly vball. We were supposed to play 2 games each in tournament on Sun as unified players. I ended up playing 4 and she did 5. At first she was skeptical when we went to practice on Tues. Now, she's helped them win 2 medals so she's all in. I have a pic of her standing across the net from a guy who was 6 foot something. The coach and I both gave her permission to dive out of the way if any fast balls came her way, but she didn't need to. By the second game, she was fist bumping her teammates after they would hit the ball. Was a good diversion for both of us.
DH volunteered to help bonus teen wash her hair last night. The rest of us stayed out of the way but could overhear lots of snark and laughter.
DH and I meet with public school today for DD11 next year.
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,723
|
Post by raeoflyte on Apr 15, 2024 18:42:05 GMT -5
That is a lot...
How did the meeting with the public school go?
|
|
azucena
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 13:23:14 GMT -5
Posts: 5,202
|
Post by azucena on Apr 15, 2024 21:01:25 GMT -5
Mtg was really good, both 6th grade counselors, the principal and an admin asst. Def feel confident that they can help DD adjust. We now have links to all of the paperwork and can make elective choices. There are two events that DD can attend, one end of May and one day before school in Aug. Will be nice to have both DDs on the same calendar.
DD11 hair dye appt (purple) beg of may. She's so excited.
Teen, dd11 and I watched mean girls musical (so cheesy) followed by original mean girls movie from 2004. Both made us chuckle.
|
|
finnime
Junior Associate
Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.
Joined: Dec 23, 2010 7:14:35 GMT -5
Posts: 7,423
|
Post by finnime on Apr 16, 2024 6:37:08 GMT -5
|
|
Pink Cashmere
Senior Member
Joined: Sept 24, 2022 16:18:40 GMT -5
Posts: 4,450
|
Post by Pink Cashmere on Apr 16, 2024 11:28:09 GMT -5
Would love her to hear my friend Pink's perspective on any and all of this if she's following along. Happy to IM my cell # if convo is easier. Haven't wanted to call you out bc you're dealing with a lot yourself lately.I have been following along, but I didn’t see this post until just now. I think it is awesome that you and your family are helping bonus teen the way you are. I don’t mind at all, sharing my thoughts about anything you are interested in, through whatever means you prefer. I don’t mind exchanging phone numbers if you’d like to. I actually started to chime in when you said something earlier, about her getting her hair braided, but I didn’t want to butt in. It seems to me, among people I know, that mental health issues are being acknowledged more than they used to be decades ago. It is true that it used to be dismissed as a real thing, unless a person’s condition was so bad that they had something like schizophrenia. Depression was just the blues and you could just “get over it”. Of course there are still dummies that don’t take these things seriously, but I hear a lot more people talking about going to counseling or encouraging other people to seek counseling, than in the past. Bio sounds like she is just a trifling nut, all around. Homophobia is still a thing, especially with my generation and older. Younger people seem to be more open minded in general. Is bonus teen really a lesbian, or does bio just think she is? You don’t have to answer that if you prefer not to. What I was going to say about her hair before, was that it sounds like her hair is natural, since she was getting braids. Is that correct? Many ladies of all ages with natural hair wear braids a lot, because it is easier to manage braids, since many of us don’t know how to take care of our natural hair because relaxers were the thing for so many years. Quality braids can cost $200 or more, but most women wear them for at least a month, maybe 2. You didn’t ask, but I will share this anyway. I struggle with whether I think people of color need therapists that are also people of color. I’ve had white therapists and black therapists. I remember I was seeing a white counselor, actually Mister and I were going together, this was several years ago. I had just started wearing my natural hair, and Mister hated it, and my feelings were hurt about it. No matter how I wore it, he was going to hate it just because it was not long and straight anymore. I said something about it in one of our sessions, and our counselor and she brushed it off as the same thing as when her husband doesn’t like her new haircut. I didn’t press the issue, but it’s really not the same thing. There is a stigma about our natural hair, and it takes courage to wear it. And it’s not just about a style or whatever, it is about the message that something that is a natural part of us, is hideous and should be changed or hidden. A black woman, no matter how she wears her hair, would’ve been more likely to understand all the baggage about natural hair and why it was a big deal that Mister hated mine. But I didn’t want to try to explain all of that to our counselor, so I just let it go. So there are some things that it does help to talk to someone that is similar to you about. I don’t know how important that may be for a teenager, but I think it is worth considering that it might be more important for a teenager than for me, a middle age woman who understands why a white counselor might not really get the significance of something that is bothering me. And it could be about any random thing where there is a difference in perspective because of background or life experiences, the hair thing was just the first thing that came to mind. Anyway, anything you’d like to talk about, just let me know. I’d be happy to talk to you. I am wishing the best for you and your family, which now includes bonus teen.
|
|
greeniis10
Well-Known Member
Joined: May 9, 2012 12:27:09 GMT -5
Posts: 1,833
Member is Online
|
Post by greeniis10 on Apr 16, 2024 13:10:15 GMT -5
Would love her to hear my friend Pink's perspective on any and all of this if she's following along. Happy to IM my cell # if convo is easier. Haven't wanted to call you out bc you're dealing with a lot yourself lately.I have been following along, but I didn’t see this post until just now. I think it is awesome that you and your family are helping bonus teen the way you are. I don’t mind at all, sharing my thoughts about anything you are interested in, through whatever means you prefer. I don’t mind exchanging phone numbers if you’d like to. I actually started to chime in when you said something earlier, about her getting her hair braided, but I didn’t want to butt in. It seems to me, among people I know, that mental health issues are being acknowledged more than they used to be decades ago. It is true that it used to be dismissed as a real thing, unless a person’s condition was so bad that they had something like schizophrenia. Depression was just the blues and you could just “get over it”. Of course there are still dummies that don’t take these things seriously, but I hear a lot more people talking about going to counseling or encouraging other people to seek counseling, than in the past. Bio sounds like she is just a trifling nut, all around.
Homophobia is still a thing, especially with my generation and older. Younger people seem to be more open minded in general. Is bonus teen really a lesbian, or does bio just think she is? You don’t have to answer that if you prefer not to. What I was going to say about her hair before, was that it sounds like her hair is natural, since she was getting braids. Is that correct? Many ladies of all ages with natural hair wear braids a lot, because it is easier to manage braids, since many of us don’t know how to take care of our natural hair because relaxers were the thing for so many years. Quality braids can cost $200 or more, but most women wear them for at least a month, maybe 2. You didn’t ask, but I will share this anyway. I struggle with whether I think people of color need therapists that are also people of color. I’ve had white therapists and black therapists. I remember I was seeing a white counselor, actually Mister and I were going together, this was several years ago. I had just started wearing my natural hair, and Mister hated it, and my feelings were hurt about it. No matter how I wore it, he was going to hate it just because it was not long and straight anymore. I said something about it in one of our sessions, and our counselor and she brushed it off as the same thing as when her husband doesn’t like her new haircut. I didn’t press the issue, but it’s really not the same thing. There is a stigma about our natural hair, and it takes courage to wear it. And it’s not just about a style or whatever, it is about the message that something that is a natural part of us, is hideous and should be changed or hidden. A black woman, no matter how she wears her hair, would’ve been more likely to understand all the baggage about natural hair and why it was a big deal that Mister hated mine. But I didn’t want to try to explain all of that to our counselor, so I just let it go. So there are some things that it does help to talk to someone that is similar to you about. I don’t know how important that may be for a teenager, but I think it is worth considering that it might be more important for a teenager than for me, a middle age woman who understands why a white counselor might not really get the significance of something that is bothering me. And it could be about any random thing where there is a difference in perspective because of background or life experiences, the hair thing was just the first thing that came to mind. Anyway, anything you’d like to talk about, just let me know. I’d be happy to talk to you. I am wishing the best for you and your family, which now includes bonus teen. And, there you go: "Trifling nut" is a much better nickname that "bio". Thanks for all your family is continuing to do for this girl. I hope her siblings get some help, too.
|
|
azucena
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 13:23:14 GMT -5
Posts: 5,202
|
Post by azucena on Apr 16, 2024 15:14:15 GMT -5
Teen is def lesbian. Half of her watching bball tournament with me was her commenting on who was cute and who was not ROFL. I also know which two theater girls she is crushing on.
In the limited amount of stuff she brought, she included a pride flag which is now hanging in her room her.
We paid $300 for her to get braids put in. They lasted about a month and she was mad at herself for not taking care of them well with bedtime wrap and such but she's just so darn depressed that even getting her to shower takes more nagging than I'd like. I said this is a 16 yr old mistake that you get to make. It's beyond forgivable. I've shared my own depression battle with her so hoping she knows I get it.
She is getting better about letting us provide for her. We did a major shop at target so she has more to wear now. Covered the basics and just some generally cute stuff. She picked out a super set pj set and then put it back saying Trifling would never get matching for her. Then she put it back saying I can just keep sleeping in reg clothes. Um, no. I bought two sets!
Unfortunately she ruined one of her new pairs of shorts in her fav color by getting her period unexpectedly at school yesterday. I'd slipped an assortment of supplies into her bathroom week two. I've inferred that she's so stressed that she's not regular at all. This poor child can't catch a break. A second pair of those shorts will be delivered tomorrow.
She didn't sleep well last night so we treated ourselves to Starbucks on the way to school.
I had long convo with school social worker this morning so now I understand her grades better. She might need to take biology as pass/fail but will likely salvage the rest.
She's set to work at sleepaway camp in June which isn't too far away. DH is already talking about care packages. She texted him this afternoon to ask about if she could get smoothies with friends after school- girl knows he's a softy rofl.
|
|
azucena
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 13:23:14 GMT -5
Posts: 5,202
|
Post by azucena on Apr 16, 2024 15:21:09 GMT -5
Pink - I wasn't sure whether to ask you directly since you have your own hands full with life right now. Also didn't want it to be your problem to educate me.
Appreciate your point about therapist being POC. Right now we are making do with what we can. My hands are tied by Trifling.
Her hair is natural but she def prefers it done. Prom is next weekend and her aunt is going to take her to get her hair done. She showed me a pic of something sleek and straight. She's excited. Not sure who is paying so will send her with my credit card.
Need to get shoes for both girls. Nail appts made that weds.
|
|
azucena
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 13:23:14 GMT -5
Posts: 5,202
|
Post by azucena on Apr 16, 2024 15:25:58 GMT -5
Therapy for myself today. Therapy for teen weds where we will have to see Trifling again. Need to get counselor to help advocate for med change.
Forget if i mentioned that Trifling completely ignored me at dentist. I has just worked up the nerve to ask her to step outside crowded waiting room when they called her back to discuss treatment. Might be over a month before teen can get in to get teeth pulled. Def seeing firsthand how much medical care sucks under state aid.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,244
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 16, 2024 16:01:58 GMT -5
FYI rinsing/soaking with hydrogen peroxide gets most blood stains out even if it has sat for most of the day. The peroxide basically eats the stain. If it doesn't come out completely I'll then let it soak in a bowl with Dawn dish detergent overnight followed by a spin in the washer. I do not use the dryer so the stain doesn't set and I can treat it again.
Gets probably 99% of period stains out of Gwen's clothes.
|
|
CCL
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 19:34:47 GMT -5
Posts: 7,599
|
Post by CCL on Apr 16, 2024 17:31:33 GMT -5
Or a few squirts of spray Oxi-Clean and let it soak in for a while. Sometimes a bit of Dawn will clean it, too.
|
|
azucena
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 13:23:14 GMT -5
Posts: 5,202
|
Post by azucena on Apr 16, 2024 17:48:09 GMT -5
She said shorts were a lost cause so trashed in hs bathroom. They were like $10 so no biggie. Counselor gave her spare sweatpants to come home in.
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,723
|
Post by raeoflyte on Apr 23, 2024 16:31:51 GMT -5
Ds shared with me last night. Real stuff that he usually keeps to himself. There's some heartbreak, but I swear kids these days are so mature. Not just my kid, and certainly nothing he learned from me for his part in it. I offered my thoughts on some things, outright shared some others but mostly listened, we laughed, and he really hugged me. Oh my goodness that's always just wonderful. He's always tolerant and accommodating of the mom requested side hug, but for him to hug me. That doesn’t happen much these days and I will take it when it does.
|
|
azucena
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 13:23:14 GMT -5
Posts: 5,202
|
Post by azucena on Apr 24, 2024 9:28:32 GMT -5
Rae - so happy for you and your conversation with DS. Those are the parenting moments that we live for, aren't they?!
Survived chaperoning DD15's high school choir trip to NYC Fri - Tues. EXHAUSTED. Definitely good for me to see her amongst her peer group because I often don't give her enough credit for her maturity. Was humbling to sit in four hour rehearsal with some big wig composer and conductor and only understand about 10% of what they were teaching the teens. Meanwhile DD understood 80%. Watching her perform at Carnegie was a true proud mama moment. Can't wait to watch and see what else she is able to accomplish.
I got a great big hug from bonus teen last night when I checked in with her after I got back. Need to catch up with DH tonight because he said they had a couple of deep convos while I was gone.
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,723
|
Post by raeoflyte on Apr 24, 2024 18:46:17 GMT -5
Rae - so happy for you and your conversation with DS. Those are the parenting moments that we live for, aren't they?! Survived chaperoning DD15's high school choir trip to NYC Fri - Tues. EXHAUSTED. Definitely good for me to see her amongst her peer group because I often don't give her enough credit for her maturity. Was humbling to sit in four hour rehearsal with some big wig composer and conductor and only understand about 10% of what they were teaching the teens. Meanwhile DD understood 80%. Watching her perform at Carnegie was a true proud mama moment. Can't wait to watch and see what else she is able to accomplish. I got a great big hug from bonus teen last night when I checked in with her after I got back. Need to catch up with DH tonight because he said they had a couple of deep convos while I was gone. You are so brave to chaperone. I just don't think I could do it.
|
|
azucena
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 13:23:14 GMT -5
Posts: 5,202
|
Post by azucena on Apr 24, 2024 21:23:02 GMT -5
DD15 was excited and thankful that I offered to go. NYC was def outside her comfort zone. Day 2 she said she wasn't going back even for broadway but I think it's a different experience when you're not in such a large group. I def paid enough attn to the guide and asked him a few questions about the subway. I could get myself around there nown if I wanted to.
DD and bonus teen want to try Chicago trip in Oct when they have a long weekend.
|
|