Household Chores and Children

[Pink Cashmere]

I just read a thread under a FB post, concerning whether or not people’s children have household chores.

I admit that I was surprised by the number of people that said their children don’t have household chores and don’t have to participate in keeping the home clean. 

When I was growing up, me and my peers that I was close enough to know how their parents ran their households, we all had household chores. And in the summer, when we didn’t have to go to school, that was most definitely a time that it was a huge problem if our parents came home from work, to a nasty house when we had all day to clean up after ourselves.

I had the same expectations of my own children. They had age appropriate household chores. As adults, they can’t honestly say that they were never taught basic things to keep their homes at least halfway clean. 

I have learned first hand over the last several years how people have different parenting styles and expectations as far as children helping to keep their home clean and having chores.

So, what do you all do, and do you expect your children to help with household chores, and if so, to what degree?

[minnesotapaintlady]

This about sums it up for getting help in my house....

[happyhoix]

I grew up in a dysfunctional household where we were the unpaid household help, and 11 year olds were expected to iron as efficiently and carefully as an adult.

Consequently, I admit I never made my kid do any chores. Of course, we only had one kid. It would probably be different if we had multiple kids. And I do think kids should have chores - they should just be calibrated to what they’re able to do, for their age, and shouldn’t be all the shit work Mom hates to do herself.

[taz157]

DD1 is responsible for unloading the dishwasher, cleaning the litter boxes, cleaning her birds’ cage, putting extra toilet paper in the bathrooms, and straightening her room and craft room. I’m sure we’ll add loading the dishwasher too, but haven’t yet. She does vacuum in her room around the bird cage, and we have robot vacuums do the floors.

[msventoux]

Not having kids myself, I’m always kinda shocked at how many children of friends are allowed act like young helpless children well into their early twenties and have little to no responsibilities in the home.  I grew up off grid and in my family kids were meant to be unpaid laborers for the basic activities of survival (getting wood for heating, water, caring for livestock, etc.) as well as interior home keeping chores if you were a girl.  Not saying that’s a great way at all to raise kids, but there has to be a happy medium somewhere.  I think kids should at least be exposed to age appropriate chores enough so that when they reach a time they should be moving out on their own they know the basics of keeping a home. 

[minnesotapaintlady]

My kids will help when asked, but there's very little initiative on their own. Older son does the garbage and takes care of the litter boxes because they're in the basement with him, but I'm sure he's not doing them everyday (I wouldn't be surprised if he just does them on garbage day).  He also does his own laundry and will clean his bathroom when I tell him it probably needs it (I don't ever go down there and we all have our own).  When Carrot and I went up north for 4 days and he couldn't get off work, he did all the barn chores morning and night.  For the most part he does not add to the problem.

Carrot is another story.  Again, if I ask he'll help but so often what I am asking is stupid crap he should know to do because he's been told 1000 times.  He's a human tornado and leaves clutter everywhere.  He will literally pull stuff out of his junk drawer in the kitchen, set it on the counter and walk away.  Every night it's "Put your Nerf guns away", "Put your book away", "Put your PS5 controllers away"  Next night same thing.  Dishes he can't figure out to put in the dishwasher no matter how many times I remind him.  I swear that kid is why I just gave up on my house.

[Pink Cashmere]

When I was a child, especially during the summer when I didn’t have to go to school, if my Mom came hime from work to a messy kitchen and living room, my ass was grass.

When I was raising children myself, I worked evenings most of those years, so I had time to do household stuff like cleaning, every day before I went to work, so if I came home from work to a messy house, yeah, that was a problem. 

It wasn’t so much that I expected my children to clean the house, I just expected them to respect my efforts and help keep it at least decent. The only thing I really demanded they clean on their own besides not letting their bedrooms get nasty, was the bathroom we all shared because it was the only bathtub and shower in the house. I required that they clean it regularly.

We fussed and fought about cleaning the kitchen and keeping it clean, but I don’t remember it being a regular chore for my children (that actually worked), I just know that it was a big deal to me, and my children may or may not have cooperated.

I specifically remember a day that DD was supposed to clean the kitchen. She came and told me she couldn’t clean the kitchen because there was no dishwashing liquid. I’ve always been on top of having household supplies on hand, and I knew damn well that there was some dishwashing liquid. 

She’d poured it all out to avoid washing the dishes. Really?! So I went to the store and bought some more Dawn and told her to get busy! when I got back home. Girlllll, don’t play with me! LOL!

During the school year, I felt like school was my children’s “job”. But during the summer, when they weren’t doing anything else, I especially felt like they could at least help around the house.

[Pink Cashmere]

I know a man that has, I think 9 siblings.

He says that when they were children, during the summers, his sisters would clean the house every day while their Mom was at work, and lock the boys outside, If the boys got thirsty during the day, their sisters wouldn’t even let them inside to drink some water, they had to drink water from the water hose. 

[finnime]

This is interesting. I required my kids to do basics in terms of cleaning up after themselves, but I admit, not much more. DD had more chores than DS. She is 8 years older than him and by the time it got to him I was tired. He did learn to do basics and some cooking and tends naturally to be fairly neat. DD does not.

When I was a child we all had chores, daily and weekly and some we pitched in on seasonally. Doing the dishes was a big job; we had a family of 7. I distinctly remember standing on a dining chair to reach into the dishwasher to load it up. I was probably 6. Since I'm the 4th kid we did things earlier than the older ones but also had fewer demands.

For work outside the house, neither child had a job-job until after high school. DD did skip high school and went right to college. She couldn't get a job until she was 16. DS worked on his own business doing programming and PC upkeep while in public school. He took the year after high school off and worked full time at the hospital I worked at, he in supply chain. Then he continued working half or more time until he graduated after 3 years.

I always figured everyone needs to do what they can do.

[wvugurl26]

We definitely had chores. My stepmom arrived home from work at 4:30. At 4 p.m., it was us and my brothers friends in the house flying through those chores. Those boys learned to dust, vacuum and do dishes at our house. Their parents didn't make them do anything. My stepmom also really tried to teach if you see something do it. As in if the trash is overflowing take it to the can, put the dishes in the dishwasher and fold the towels.

They should definitely be age appropriate but if everyone contributes, the work is easier. I can't imagine not doing a thing. I think DH's mom did a lot of the heavy lifting by the time he was a teenager. He was the last of 4 and the only one left in the house. His mom went back to work so he did help cook and he can clean. His schedule for cleaning though and mine are not the same. When he cleans the bathrooms, they will be spotless. Sometimes they needed cleaned a week or two before he does it.

[gs11rmb]

My children do jackshit.  I blame the parents.

[giramomma]

We just ask the kids to do things on the spot. Sweeping, garbage, emptying filling the dishwasher, cleaning the bathroom, helping with the pigs, dusting, and vacuuming. I've also gotten help decluttering.

Now, let's not be impressed with that. 

We really don't prioritize a tidy house. No one is sticking to floors. And it looks like 6 people live in 1800 sq feet. My cobwebs at halloween postings support all that.

DD1 is my kid that thinks ahead, in terms of cleaning, and will just do it without asking. She is the only one that gets an allowance.

(I will say, DS has stepped up with minding the missy since coming home. It is nice. Not for a whole day, but he will recognize that having a missy-free couple of hours is a godsend and will be more present with her without us asking. He does not get an allowance, as we are still subsidizing him. I also think he wants to have a relationship with her.)

My only boundary is that I don't use chores to punish.

Part of my problem is that cleaning the house wasn't about doing what needs to be done and contributing. It was about martydom. Or not prioritized, because somehow we're owed fun lives with little pain. It was about perfection and about control. And yes, sometimes punishment.

I think, now I've made peace with the fact that cleaning is just cleaning. I really do try to get all the emotional baggage out of it.

[Cheesy FL-Vol]

My 3 brothers and I had chores, and there was very little "gender choring". All of us knew how to clean, do laundry, sew, yard work, trash, dishes, etc.

That said, my mom made spread sheets with graph paper decades before computers. She had checklists for everything related to a specific chore, the bathroom for example. We had to make sure every item on the list was completed and checked off. She expected each chore to take a specific time and if it was completed too quickly, it couldn't possibly be well done. She would go around with the checklist and check a secondary column. If anything was not complete on the list you had to do the whole room again. Mom supervised. I resented that so much that I swore when I had kids that chores would be a team effort.

During summer, in addition to our usual chores, she had extra stuff to get done to keep us occupied. We lived in the sticks so it isn't like we would have been able to run around the streets as bored kids. We would play all day long and an hour or so before she got home we would team up to do all the chores she expected to get done. The days we managed to cooperate and team up, she always exclaimed what a great job we did without a clue that while it was accomplished, we did it our way instead of her way.

When I had my kids, we had a chore jar that all 4 of us pulled from so no one got stuck with the same chores every week like I did when I was a kid. I also occasionally allowed chore swapping, as long as everything got done.

To this day, I hate housecleaning. However, once I dig in, it is really well done.

[lurkyloo]

I suppose I use chores to punish DS…by making him clean up the mess he thoughtlessly generated!  He has a lot in common with Carrot, sounds like; definitely trails destruction wherever he goes.

His one regular chore is folding and putting away his own clothes, and there have been some battles royale over that although the complaint and whining level have gone down to a fairly nominal amount, after only 3 years or so  Right now getting him to practice cello and do duolingo are higher priorities than other chores.  We’ll make him clean up spills, put things away or hang things up on the spot.  He’s actually great at hanging up his towel bc it’s a prerequisite for his evening 10-15 min of video game time.  

I have always been terrible at cleaning up after myself so I suppose he comes by it honestly     Professionally I’ve settled into the mindset that you keep common areas clean but can do what you like with your own space which is probably the best we. an hope for with DS.  Drove my last supervisor bonkers 

[Tennesseer]

I have no children.  Just (now) three cats indoors.  I told them their only chore in the house was to keep their litter boxes clean.  

As cats are want to do, they ignored me.  

[cronewitch]

I am childless but grew up with doing as we were told. Between my two brothers and I we did dishes. The first chore I remember was cleaning a parakeet cage. I took it outside and opened the door to take out the paper and the bird flew away. I didn't know to slide the tray out. I fed my cat and dog and a lot of rabbits. We packed our own lunches when over 11. My brother complained about how mom ironed his shirt, mom never ironed our clothing again. She did laundry and sprinkled clothes and wrapped in a towel. We would get home from school, and she would have set up two ironing boards and the mangle. One of us would run the flat things through the mangle and two would iron. Mom did some of the ironing with us so three working one resting. We grew up before permeant press ironed everything. My brother never complained about his shirts again, he could iron them the way he wanted.

[minnesotapaintlady]

Aug 16, 2023 8:36:30 GMT -5 giramomma said:

We really don't prioritize a tidy house.

Same.  I'm thinking I can't really fault the kids for not spending time every week cleaning when I don't really do that myself.  I especially ignore bedrooms because to complain about theirs being cluttered when mine is hoarder central at present would be pretty hypocritical.  Nobody eats in bedrooms and the common areas are kept fairly decent.  Good enough for now. 

[daisylu]

Aug 16, 2023 10:28:27 GMT -5 cronewitch said:

I am childless but grew up with doing as we were told. Between my two brothers and I we did dishes. The first chore I remember was cleaning a parakeet cage. I took it outside and opened the door to take out the paper and the bird flew away. I didn't know to slide the tray out. I fed my cat and dog and a lot of rabbits. We packed our own lunches when over 11. My brother complained about how mom ironed his shirt, mom never ironed our clothing again. She did laundry and sprinkled clothes and wrapped in a towel. We would get home from school, and she would have set up two ironing boards and the mangle. One of us would run the flat things through the mangle and two would iron. Mom did some of the ironing with us so three working one resting. We grew up before permeant press ironed everything. My brother never complained about his shirts again, he could iron them the way he wanted.

I am THAT mom, not about ironing but in general. If my kid complains about how I do something I quit.

[TheOtherMe]

My mom was such a perfectionist when it came to cleaning, that we could not please her.  I rebelled.  My sister has followed her lead in her adult life.  

About twice a year, she would make me do a deep clean of my room.  

I did my laundry and ironing.  I sewed many of my clothes, but the cleaning was useless when mom said we did it so poorly, she had to do it all again.

We did handwash the dishes every day.

[giramomma]

Aug 16, 2023 10:08:12 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

I suppose I use chores to punish DS…by making him clean up the mess he thoughtlessly generated!  He has a lot in common with Carrot, sounds like; definitely trails destruction wherever he goes.

I'm talking about real punishment not related to the crime.

Disobey a parent = going out and weeding for an hour, cleaning a substantial portion of the house.

It was an alternative to spankings or being told to stand in a corner, type punishment.

 

[giramomma]

Aug 16, 2023 10:48:37 GMT -5 daisylu said:

Aug 16, 2023 10:28:27 GMT -5 cronewitch said:

I am childless but grew up with doing as we were told. Between my two brothers and I we did dishes. The first chore I remember was cleaning a parakeet cage. I took it outside and opened the door to take out the paper and the bird flew away. I didn't know to slide the tray out. I fed my cat and dog and a lot of rabbits. We packed our own lunches when over 11. My brother complained about how mom ironed his shirt, mom never ironed our clothing again. She did laundry and sprinkled clothes and wrapped in a towel. We would get home from school, and she would have set up two ironing boards and the mangle. One of us would run the flat things through the mangle and two would iron. Mom did some of the ironing with us so three working one resting. We grew up before permeant press ironed everything. My brother never complained about his shirts again, he could iron them the way he wanted.

I am THAT mom, not about ironing but in general. If my kid complains about how I do something I quit.

My kids really don't complain all that much. And it's nothing the stink eye, a snack,  a drink of water, or an early bedtime doesn't mostly fix.

Dad and I had to contend with the opposite. My mom would do chores that no one really cared about, do them the hardest way possible, which no one asked her to do, and then she would get mad at Dad and I for not praising her enough.

Right. So. She would get down on her hands and knees to scrub a kitchen floor by hand, take all day to do it, while in pain , and expect more than "I'm sorry you are hurting, the floor looks great."

And then she wouldn't do that again. Or at least threaten to never do it again, because Dad and I didn't appreciate her work. I suppose to try to teach us a lesson. But, all of that fed into an eventual emotional hit for Mom. There was her data point that she could use to justify being a martyr.

And that happened probably close to 40 years now.

I still think about that every time I scrub our kitchen floor (I try to get to it twice a year.)

[taz157]

In reading some of the comments, I realized that I forgot to one of DD1’s chores. I’ll wash and dry her clothes, but she has to put them away. That started shortly after we had DD2.

[Tiny]

I don't have kids.

A sibling once talked about how they didn't want their kids to have to do the things they themselves didn't want to do as a kid (chores for example). I wasn't sure how I felt about that back then. It seemed like at the very least they were setting their kids up for some awkward "helplessness" in the future.

Doing chores were kind of painful growing up - there was lots of yelling and screaming done by my parents. Doing chores was a very UNPLEASANT thing. They were used as punishment, or you were doing it wrong, or they were a power play: you better mow the lawn before you leave the house - as you were leaving the house (to go swimming with friends or whatever - and Mom KNEW you going to go and do that hours ago - but oh no, the lawn suddenly needed mowing 15 minutes before you planning to go meet friends.)

Also, my mom would do this thing where she'd say "I'm going to take out the garbage when I finish the dishes" as we were cleaning up the dinner table. It took me a very long time to figure out that what she was saying "would you do the dishes and take out the garbage?" basically that she wanted me to do it. But sometimes she'd say she would do stuff and then get mad/yell at me when I said I would do it/help with it. There was a period of time during my childhood when I thought everyone else had psychic mind reading abilities (I saw this on the twilight zone that's where I found out about mindreading) and that I did not have them and no one knew I couldn't read minds. )   I think she just wanted me to always do that chore... but I felt like I got 'beat up' regardless of what I did (do the dishes - get yelled at, don't do the dishes get yelled at).  And so became frozen in indecision with regards to if I should do a chore/help with a chore/just ignore it and hope for the best. 

Doing chores (and learning how to do them and what needs to be done routinely) is a valuable life knowledge thing. If you can pay someone to do the chores for you (or if you expect your spouse to do them) then I guess it doesn't matter if you learn how to do them (or even know about them.)

Where I'm going with this... I don't think having to do chores should make children feel bad.

I kind of wish I had replied to my sibling that maybe they needed to find a way to not make doing chores a traumatic experience for their kids. The chores themselves weren't bad or hard or unpleasant (generally) it was all the emotional baggage that went with them. Basically acknowledge that we all got a lot of "trauma" from our parents and that we don't need to inflict that same "trauma" on the kids (not by avoiding having them do chores - but by changing how we handle chore assignment and how we respond to how the chore was done. )

[finnime]

Chores should definitely not be an opportunity to abuse your kids.

They can be a great opportunity to teach the satisfaction of doing useful work.

[lurkyloo]

I offer screentime or video game time as a post-chore reward and then he gets pissy because he doesn’t want to have to earn either one, they should be for free.  It’s a rare day when I feel like I’m doing this parenting thing right    Definitely offering fewer rewards these days.

[swamp]

I'm mean.  I make my kids do lots of stuff. 

[swamp]

Aug 16, 2023 12:59:52 GMT -5 finnime said:

Chores should definitely not be an opportunity to abuse your kids.

They can be a great opportunity to teach the satisfaction of doing useful work.

Or learn the lesson that "you live her too, there is no reason you can't help out." 

[bookkeeper]

Our sons were taught to do chores, not as a punishment, but because you occupy space in this house.  We raised our sons in a 4000 sq. ft. home on two acres of land.  Everybody had to clean and everybody had to mow in the summertime.  They didn't always like helping, but they would pitch in with vacuuming, dishes, mowing, picking up, etc.  Both our sons were really good at helping out with shopping and cooking.  It was not unusual to come home and see one of them cooking with their friends.  We had the big house kids wanted to hang out at.  I was happy to host them and keep an eye on the teens. Eventually, I asked our sons' friends to help out too.  Turns out most of our kids' friends were ok with picking up after themselves and putting their dishes in the dishwasher.  

The boys are grown now, and they have messy homes from time to time.  They do know how to clean and they do know why it is important to keep up with household chores.

[tractor]

Our house has always been best described as "messy with a chance of chaos" While not "dirty", it's cluttered. Neither my wife or I care and occasionally we get on a tear and tackle some of the piles, but they soon come back.

Our boys started doing their own laundry when they hit 6th grade, and they were pretty good about cleaning up after themselves. Now that there are on their own, they both keep spotless apartments. The clean gene skipped a generation....

[cktc]

I'm too disorganized for chores. The kids are expected to clean up after themselves but beyond that it's tasks as requested, throw clothes in the wash, put laundry in their dressers, feed the cats, water the plants, etc... I like to show them how to do bigger tasks like clean their bathrooms even if I don't expect them to do it themselves. They are only 5 and 7 so I'm hoping to eventually get more organized and on a cleaning schedule. 7 year old is actually the tightiest in the family, he makes his bed every day, and even makes mine sometimes. When DD falls behind on cleaning up after herself he also covers. I expect that to be problematic down the line and probably need to nip it so DD can learn.