Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2019 15:18:44 GMT -5
My daughter said to let the niece come; she is grieving, too. My daughter also said she totally understood feeling overwhelmed by all of this. If I will send her the niece's contact info, she will contact her with the date/time when the service would be held, the name of a place she might consider staying, etc. She's working on a menu and needs a head count soon. Lol.
Sometimes I underestimate how awesome my daughter can be.
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tskeeter
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Post by tskeeter on Oct 26, 2019 15:48:44 GMT -5
I’m sorry to hear about your loss, SS.
If you did not know, when Dad was buried at a National Cemetery a few months ago, two types of ceremonies were available. A ceremony with full military honors, such as a 21 gun salute. And a witnessed placement, where a small group was able to see Dad’s ashes placed in the columbarium niche.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 26, 2019 16:08:36 GMT -5
I’m afraid im no help. DH’s funeral was an expensive “show” which cost a fortune and I was expected to have people to my home after and feed them. His ex was everywhere drawing attention to herself. I had to pay the rabbi, the singer, and the organist. Plus the catered meal at the temple. I’ve never heard of any minister doing it for free. Even my mom, whom no one liked, we had to have a memorial then cookies and coffee afterward. Fortunately at the place where the memorial was. After DH and I escaped with my aunt and uncle, ( faking sadness is difficult ) my aunt and uncle and ourselves went out to eat. I’m sure her garden club and her symphony peeps wondered why no one in the family spoke or seemed sad. The Scottish Society knew. I’m glad you have your family there for you. Is there any way you can get your job back?
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Oct 26, 2019 16:24:58 GMT -5
My daughter said to let the niece come; she is grieving, too. My daughter also said she totally understood feeling overwhelmed by all of this. If I will send her the niece's contact info, she will contact her with the date/time when the service would be held, the name of a place she might consider staying, etc. She's working on a menu and needs a head count soon. Lol. Sometimes I underestimate how awesome my daughter can be. Proving what an awesome mom you were to her I am happy she is there to help you and show you the love she has for you SS
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Oct 26, 2019 16:46:59 GMT -5
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Oct 26, 2019 17:08:01 GMT -5
When I said we usually have a luncheon/dinner after the service, I should have added "at a restaurant." Someone can usually call ahead and they reserve a room for everyone. I didn't mean that the widow should be hosting anything.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2019 17:44:56 GMT -5
I’m afraid im no help. DH’s funeral was an expensive “show” which cost a fortune and I was expected to have people to my home after and feed them. His ex was everywhere drawing attention to herself. I had to pay the rabbi, the singer, and the organist. Plus the catered meal at the temple. I’ve never heard of any minister doing it for free. Even my mom, whom no one liked, we had to have a memorial then cookies and coffee afterward. Fortunately at the place where the memorial was. After DH and I escaped with my aunt and uncle, ( faking sadness is difficult ) my aunt and uncle and ourselves went out to eat. I’m sure her garden club and her symphony peeps wondered why no one in the family spoke or seemed sad. The Scottish Society knew. I’m glad you have your family there for you. Is there any way you can get your job back?I don't want it back. Too much paper grading. I was teaching English 101 to high schoolers. And i am really tired. I have enough money without touching my retirement funds between my pension and SS. I won't ever be rich, but I will be ok. I will always be glad I retired when I did. I was able to be there for him.
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Oct 26, 2019 18:43:26 GMT -5
After my father's grave side service, we went to his favorite diner for lunch and I picked up the check. It was very nice and most appropriate. The best part is that I had to do nothing more than show up, which was about all that I could handle.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2019 18:51:47 GMT -5
I'm so sorry but very grateful for your beautiful daughter's support. As others have said, there is no "right" way, just the way that honors his life and respects all the folks he loved during it. From your description, the service will be brief and meaningful. Virtual hugs to you during a very tough time.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 26, 2019 19:43:17 GMT -5
After my father in laws funeral, we went back to my mother in laws house. I ordered one of those trays of sandwiches, which they delivered and the day before I took over paper plates, soda, chips, cookies, etc. I think my mother stayed at the house until the delivery came. I can't quite remember. I did ask my parents to do something - maybe it was to run over and buy something I forgot. Anyway, it was simple - sandwiches on paper plates. We had a bunch of people - so it was also economical and easy.
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irishpad
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Post by irishpad on Oct 26, 2019 20:51:11 GMT -5
Susana, again I extend my condolences. It's wonderful to hear how your daughter is helping out and how you are accepting that help. You are a strong, independent person, but it is OK to let your guard down as you enter into these days of grieving.
Around here there are multiple times that with a small group, they just go out to eat together as many of the previous posters suggested. For sure no need on your part to put together special food/luncheon for them.
As far as a fee for a minister, just let the funeral home handle it since they would know what is "normal" in the area. For myself, any donation given just goes directly to the church since they pay my salary and I'm doing my "job" at a funeral / memorial service so I'm not going to double dip.
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catsareme
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Post by catsareme on Oct 27, 2019 13:27:25 GMT -5
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Virtual hugs during this very difficult and stressful time.
Neither DH nor I want any type of ceremony at our passing but everyone is different. Do what feels right to YOU.
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vetswife
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Post by vetswife on Oct 27, 2019 16:23:09 GMT -5
Susanna, so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you're daughter is helping out.
My late DH was buried at the national cemetery in the Dallas Ft. Worth area. We had a service at our long time church beforehand, then a brief ceremony at the cemetery. There they allow 15 minutes for the service. The church ladies provided tons of food and my kids handled all the details. I was so grateful for all the help I received.
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Oct 27, 2019 18:27:05 GMT -5
I am very sorry for your loss.
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Artemis Windsong
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Oct 27, 2019 19:30:51 GMT -5
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope everything went as you planned. My BIL died recently. There was a graveside military service. Then a happy hour remembrance at the senior living facility. He regularly attended the happy hour, so his friends were having some closure. They displayed the photo album and art paintings he had done. Any one was welcome to stand up and share memories.
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Oct 27, 2019 20:43:34 GMT -5
My husband wants no service, but if I'm here I will probably have something. He belongs to the VFW and Masons plus Scottish Rite. We may just have a veteran closing with flag, not sure. His dads was just at the cemetery and closed casket. But hubs knows a lot of people here so just have to see how old we are and our abilities. I don't care, maybe a viewing and closed casket at the cemetery. We don't even know a minister, though our neighbor might get someone for a few words. sometimes here the funeral home takes care of all expenses then we just pay them. Here the persons church has a dinner or sometimes the family chooses the VFW. MIL had nothing done.
MIL has hers all paid for, everything picked out and the plot. I have our stone bought and paid for plus a plot for us and DD. Also have her stone too. I don't know if there is a right and wrong, its kind of however you want to do it.
Not many came to FIL's funeral and I doubt a soul has visited his grave, if hubs has he has never said.
Sounds like the National Cemetery would be a very nice place to be buried. Your plans sound fine to me. Please don't stress over it, you will be fine. And fortunate to have your DD to help also.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 28, 2019 15:04:22 GMT -5
Susana, again I extend my condolences. It's wonderful to hear how your daughter is helping out and how you are accepting that help. You are a strong, independent person, but it is OK to let your guard down as you enter into these days of grieving. Around here there are multiple times that with a small group, they just go out to eat together as many of the previous posters suggested. For sure no need on your part to put together special food/luncheon for them.
As far as a fee for a minister, just let the funeral home handle it since they would know what is "normal" in the area. For myself, any donation given just goes directly to the church since they pay my salary and I'm doing my "job" at a funeral / memorial service so I'm not going to double dip. That’s amazing and wonderful.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Oct 28, 2019 16:02:54 GMT -5
As far as a fee for a minister, just let the funeral home handle it since they would know what is "normal" in the area. For myself, any donation given just goes directly to the church since they pay my salary and I'm doing my "job" at a funeral / memorial service so I'm not going to double dip. At the church where I worked, this is what the minister did and he always specified he wanted it done anonymously in the records. That was the minister who had to retire on disability. The long term supply pastor nor the minister who ended up getting the church closed neither one did this.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2019 17:20:28 GMT -5
For myself, any donation given just goes directly to the church since they pay my salary and I'm doing my "job" at a funeral / memorial service so I'm not going to double dip. When I asked our priest what his usual fee was, he said, "Nothing. It's what I do". That's why I wrote a check to his discretionary fund; it enabled him to use it to help people in need.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 29, 2019 16:50:18 GMT -5
Yes well I’ve only had two experiences thankfully and it was made clear what everyone expected to be paid. DH’s rabbi got $500, the singer and organist got $250 each. My mother’s minister got $350. Made out to them-totally. My friend just got married, her rabbi charged a grand. My girlfriend’s son, she paid for their wedding, said the minister charged $500 for his service. I’ve never heard of anyone doing it for free as “part of their job.” Even though it should be. DH’s rabbi got another $500 a year later at the “unveiling.”
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Oct 29, 2019 16:59:53 GMT -5
The checks the minister turned over to the church were made out to him. He signed them over to the church.
For mom's funeral, all the music was on CD. The singer she had wanted had passed away so the funeral home uses CDs and YouTube.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2019 18:15:10 GMT -5
The funeral was yesterday. Thank you to all of you for your help. I did direct cremation, but the funeral home was pretty awesome . . . except for calling me the day before and asking me if I was prepared for "today." She just had her days mixed up, but she was making sure I had no last minute questions, etc. No criticism. The National Cemetery did a beautiful job. For those who wonder how much this cost, here is the breakdown: - Direct cremation + 7 death certificates (too many . . . no one wants the original!) = $730
- Flag frame from Michaels with a coupon = $25
- Death notice published in newspaper (very brief) = $50
- Minister's thank you = $100 plus cost of card
- Lunch afterwards for 13 adults and 9 children = $150
I am sure there are expenses I am overlooking, but basically it was a $1200 funeral. I wasn't trying to go the cheap route but rather honor my DH's wishes for "no funeral." It didn't work out quite that way, but it came close enough. Of course, it helped that it was at a military cemetery, which cost nothing.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Nov 7, 2019 18:29:22 GMT -5
Direct cremation here costs $2,000. That's what I have been pre-paying. It does include a few other things.
I have already purchased and paid for my headstone. It's in the ground. My remains will be between those of my mom and my favorite aunt.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2019 19:25:22 GMT -5
I am sure there are expenses I am overlooking, but basically it was a $1200 funeral. I wasn't trying to go the cheap route but rather honor my DH's wishes for "no funeral." It didn't work out quite that way, but it came close enough. Of course, it helped that it was at a military cemetery, which cost nothing. Thanks for the update. That sounds like a good middle ground. They say funerals are for the living and you did what YOU needed/wanted to remember DH and say goodbye without turning it into something he might have considered splashy or extravagant. Best wishes as you find your way and build a new life. It sounds like you've got some good family support.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2019 19:54:12 GMT -5
My condolences as well. My late DH didn't want a funeral and his family all refused to drive here for one because it's "unreasonably far". (4 hours by car, umkay...) My kids drove down to see his parents on vacation not long after he passed and his family had their own "celebration of life" and sprung it on my kids when they showed up. If I didn't hate his family before, I did for doing that to my kids against my DH's wishes and with no notice.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Nov 8, 2019 15:47:10 GMT -5
Susana, I am very sorry to hear of your loss. I think it's lovely that your daughter was such a help to you. I know that she is super busy with many kids and, I believe, a career. It a testament to both how much she cares for you and what a good child you raised that she was such a resource. My thoughts are with you, as it seems are those of most of the board. I hope knowing that so many people are thinking of you can bring some small comfort.
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debthaven
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Post by debthaven on Nov 8, 2019 17:26:11 GMT -5
What imawino said @bamafan1954 . I know your DD is so busy but I am so happy that your kids are so present for you in this difficult time. I also think it's wonderful that you'll be looking after your grandkids one day a week, if I'm not mistaken. Visibly y'all did a wonderful job. I hope you can rest and find some comfort in the fact that you took such wonderful care of your DH (and your kids well before he came along).
I am so, so thankful that you decided to retire last June.
Please take care of yourself.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Nov 12, 2019 16:09:52 GMT -5
Sorry to hear this and can totally understand the overwhelming feelings. I have just planned a funeral.... although in England so things were slightly different.. and it was a military funeral. Seems to me that no-one really expects the immediate family to be perfect hosts. You just publish the time and date...... and people turn up to pay their respects to the person they knew. There aren't any rules
I'm glad it went ok for you. We walk into these things numb..... but after a while it can be healing to know the loved one was laid to rest properly and its the point at which the grieving process can begin. sorry for your loss.
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weltschmerz
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Post by weltschmerz on Nov 12, 2019 16:29:41 GMT -5
My husband wants no service, but if I'm here I will probably have something. He belongs to the VFW and Masons plus Scottish Rite. We may just have a veteran closing with flag, not sure. His dads was just at the cemetery and closed casket. But hubs knows a lot of people here so just have to see how old we are and our abilities. I don't care, maybe a viewing and closed casket at the cemetery. We don't even know a minister, though our neighbor might get someone for a few words. sometimes here the funeral home takes care of all expenses then we just pay them. Here the persons church has a dinner or sometimes the family chooses the VFW. MIL had nothing done. MIL has hers all paid for, everything picked out and the plot. I have our stone bought and paid for plus a plot for us and DD. Also have her stone too. I don't know if there is a right and wrong, its kind of however you want to do it. Not many came to FIL's funeral and I doubt a soul has visited his grave, if hubs has he has never said. Sounds like the National Cemetery would be a very nice place to be buried. Your plans sound fine to me. Please don't stress over it, you will be fine. And fortunate to have your DD to help also. If he doesn't want a service, why have one? I have stipulated on the back of my will, that I want no funeral service, no Russian custom of three days of weeping over the body in church, nothing. Just cremate me immediately. Go out to eat and share some funny memories of me if you want. I told my sister that if she insisted on "doing the right thing" with a funeral service, I'd come back to haunt her. I'd be really pissed.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2019 16:36:10 GMT -5
I have stipulated on the back of my will, that I want no funeral service, no Russian custom of three days of weeping over the body in church, nothing. Just cremate me immediately. Go out to eat and share some funny memories of me if you want. I told my sister that if she insisted on "doing the right thing" with a funeral service, I'd come back to haunt her. I'd be really pissed. The will is not a good place to specify your wishes for a funeral (or no funeral). Typically they're not opened till well after the burial/cremation. I hope you left her instructions in a separate document.
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