Funeral questions

[weltschmerz]

Nov 12, 2019 16:36:10 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

Nov 12, 2019 16:29:41 GMT -5 weltschmerz said:

I have stipulated on the back of my will, that I want no funeral service, no Russian custom of three days of weeping over the body in church, nothing. Just cremate me immediately. Go out to eat and share some funny memories of me if you want.
I told my sister that if she insisted on "doing the right thing" with a funeral service, I'd come back to haunt her. I'd be really pissed.

The will is not a good place to specify your wishes for a funeral (or no funeral). Typically they're not opened till well after the burial/cremation. I hope you left her instructions in a separate document.

I also told everyone verbally. All my friends and family. The will is where it's written down for posterity.

[TheOtherMe]

My sister did tell me that she couldn't honor my wish for no funeral per my wishes.  I fixed that by removing her from being in charge.  Her middle son is now in charge and he signed off on the paperwork where I have prepaid for the cremation.

There is more money in the account than the cost.  The contract I signed locked in the cost.  I have told my nephew to have a party with the extra money but to spend it all on something related to my death.

[MN-Investor]

Just curious - if anyone knows - who ultimately controls all the wheres and hows of a person's funeral, burial, etc.? I know you can specify all sorts of things, but once you're gone, you're gone.

The reason I'm curious is that my sister who lives in North Carolina is adamant that she be buried here in Minnesota, next to Mom and Dad. There is a plot here that the family owns that she has first dibs on. Her son (a lawyer) knows about her wishes. Her husband, though, does not. But once my sister dies, if her husband is alive, can he do what he wants with my sister's remains?

[hoops902]

Nov 13, 2019 12:38:32 GMT -5 MN-Investor said:

Just curious - if anyone knows - who ultimately controls all the wheres and hows of a person's funeral, burial, etc.? I know you can specify all sorts of things, but once you're gone, you're gone.

The reason I'm curious is that my sister who lives in North Carolina is adamant that she be buried here in Minnesota, next to Mom and Dad. There is a plot here that the family owns that she has first dibs on. Her son (a lawyer) knows about her wishes. Her husband, though, does not. But once my sister dies, if her husband is alive, can he do what he wants with my sister's remains?

I believe in most cases it's the person you appoint in your will to do it (which I think is relatively unlikely in my limited experience), barring that it goes in the order we primarily assume to be your "next of kin"...spouse, kids, parents, siblings, etc.

I would assume that if she hasn't named her son as the person to control those things, that once she dies her husband can do what he likes.  I would see no logical reason that if someone dies without express wishes that control would go to their child over their spouse (presuming no kind of mental incompetence, etc).

[MN-Investor]

Nov 13, 2019 12:48:16 GMT -5 hoops902 said:

I believe in most cases it's the person you appoint in your will to do it (which I think is relatively unlikely in my limited experience), barring that it goes in the order we primarily assume to be your "next of kin"...spouse, kids, parents, siblings, etc.

Her son is the executor of her will.

[hoops902]

Nov 13, 2019 12:56:53 GMT -5 MN-Investor said:

Nov 13, 2019 12:48:16 GMT -5 hoops902 said:

I believe in most cases it's the person you appoint in your will to do it (which I think is relatively unlikely in my limited experience), barring that it goes in the order we primarily assume to be your "next of kin"...spouse, kids, parents, siblings, etc.

Her son is the executor of her will.

I don't believe that's enough to take control of her funeral proceedings though.  That simply means he's carrying out what is in her will, that's not the same as making decisions like this.  You can choose a trusted family friend lawyer to execute your will...it doesn't mean that person is going to run your funeral and make the decisions about it.  

I might be wrong, but I would think it would have to specifically say he is to be the one making those decisions about her funeral in order to put him in the driver's seat.  Executing a will is simply carrying out previous instructions, it's not really decision-making (I'm assuming her will doesn't say any of this stuff since you seemed to phrase it more as she told her son but didn't tell her husband...if it's written in the will then it seems like it might be a different story).

[MN-Investor]

Nov 13, 2019 13:03:34 GMT -5 hoops902 said:

Nov 13, 2019 12:56:53 GMT -5 MN-Investor said:

Her son is the executor of her will.

I don't believe that's enough to take control of her funeral proceedings though.  That simply means he's carrying out what is in her will, that's not the same as making decisions like this.  You can choose a trusted family friend lawyer to execute your will...it doesn't mean that person is going to run your funeral and make the decisions about it.  

I might be wrong, but I would think it would have to specifically say he is to be the one making those decisions about her funeral in order to put him in the driver's seat.  Executing a will is simply carrying out previous instructions, it's not really decision-making (I'm assuming her will doesn't say any of this stuff since you seemed to phrase it more as she told her son but didn't tell her husband...if it's written in the will then it seems like it might be a different story).

I know my sister has left explicit instructions. I'm not sure if it's in her will or in a separate set of instructions. I know her son is fully aware of her desires and that her husband is not. And maybe I'm anticipating a problem which won't exist. Maybe her husband would have no problem with my sister being buried next to our folks. BIL could be buried next to his folks in Iowa and all the deceased people would be happy.

(By the way, I've told my SIL that I want to be cremated and, for all I care, my ashes can be dumped in the trash. When I'm done with this body, I really don't care what happens to it. I won't be inhabiting it.)

[bean29]

My Mom had an Uncle that always said when he died he wanted to be cremated and his ashes spread over the Rocky Mountains (or similar place, I may be remember incorrectly).  He wrote it in his will. His sisters knew it was in the will, but they did not like the idea of their brother being cremated, so they buried him before the will was read. The lawyer told them they had to exhume the body and follow the wishes of the deceased, so that is what they did.  This was in the 1950's or 1960's though, so I don't know what would happen today. 

[lund]

So glad that the ceremonies for your late DH went so well, Susana. IMO you chose very wisely.
Your DH was lucky to have you taking good care of him, so that he was able to stay in his own home, and to pass peacefully.

Please remember to take good care of yourself after all this.

[zibazinski]

The will is read after the funeral.