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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2019 21:10:53 GMT -5
I have never had to handle a funeral before. DH didn't want one, but I convinced him that interment in the National Cemetery would be nice.
So he/we didn't go to church, but my daughter is going to ask the minister where I used to attend to say a few words. Do I pay him? If so, how much?
His niece is determined to come to the service. I can't host her in our home because I gave away the bed in our master bedroom to accommodate the hospital bed. But after the service, am I expected to feed her and her husband? The only other attendees will be my kids and their spouses. I am sure they would rather get on with their lives, which means back to work. But I would have to make them attend, right? It would seem stupid to have food for 3 people.
This is the kind of thing I stress over.
Can anyone help?
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Oct 25, 2019 21:17:52 GMT -5
I have never had to handle a funeral before. DH didn't want one, but I convinced him that internment in the National Cemetery would be nice. So he/we didn't go to church, but my daughter is going to ask the minister where I used to attend to say a few words. Do I pay him? If so, how much? His niece is determined to come to the service. I can't host her in our home because I gave away the bed in our master bedroom to accommodate the hospital bed. But after the service, am I expected to feed her and her husband? The only other attendees will be my kids and their spouses. I am sure they would rather get on with their lives, which means back to work. But I would have to make them attend, right? It would seem stupid to have food for 3 people. This is the kind of thing I stress over. Can anyone help? I didn’t know your husband died. I’m so truly sorry I don’t know about having someone stay in your home but a luncheon after the funeral is the norm, at least in my area. I’m sure your kids will want to spend the day with you. Your husband just died. This is the time where you need your family
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Oct 25, 2019 21:23:04 GMT -5
A luncheon after is typical in my experience. Are there any local restaurants with a separate room? I've been to a few events lately where the post event meal was in a separate part of the restaurant with a limited menu.
I assume it would be customary to give the pastor something but I'm not sure what is appropriate.
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Sharon
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Post by Sharon on Oct 25, 2019 21:25:17 GMT -5
Your kids are probably planning on spending the majority if not all of the day with you. Even if they aren't depending on the time of the service they may welcome a meal afterwards. Order a tray of deli sandwiches or a meat and cheese tray, pick up some cookies for dessert. Something that is easy for you to just set out. If you have leftovers that will give you something pre-made to nibble on over the next couple of days when you don't feel like cooking.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 25, 2019 21:25:58 GMT -5
SS-I looked it up. Pay the minister anywhere from $150 (min) to $300 (max).
If you are not too tired after the funeral, why not take his niece and husband (and anyone else who remains behind out to lunch or dinner.
As for putting them up in your home, I'm sure they would understand why you cannot ccomodate them over night.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2019 21:55:37 GMT -5
I talked to my daughter. She has a friend whose husband is a minister. She said $50 - $100 is the norm tucked into a thank you note. She set up the minister and figured the best day/time for her, her husband, and her brother. I will call the funeral home tomorrow to see if they can make it work. We put it off until the next week So everyone won't feel rushed.
I also asked her about food. Her dad's mom owns a farm with a guest house. She said we will do something there because it is so close to the National Cemetery. When I find out when, she will decide the details. I will pay.
I am so grateful for her help.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Oct 25, 2019 22:00:24 GMT -5
I'm glad you have a plan. I'm sure all of those decisions are stressful. Take care of yourself.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Oct 25, 2019 22:14:06 GMT -5
We usually pay the minister $150-$200, but these are for larger groups of people and a longer service. For what you are describing $100 seems about right.
Normally in our area the family provides food/soft drinks for anyone there before the service. Then a luncheon/dinner afterward. We each pay for ourselves and our immediate families. If I had a small group like yours of mostly my own kids/grandkids, I'd just pay for everyone. If that's too much for you, I'm sure everyone would understand.
Whenever we are in doubt, we ask the funeral director. They are always very helpful.
Take care. I'm sure this is a difficult time for you.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2019 22:15:27 GMT -5
I'm glad you have a plan. I'm sure all of those decisions are stressful. Take care of yourself. They are because I like to know how things work before I do them. It is actually one of my worst traits. I don't do the unfamiliar well at all. This is major new territory.
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laterbloomer
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Post by laterbloomer on Oct 25, 2019 22:56:23 GMT -5
My sympathies on your loss.
If your neice needs a place to stay an air mattress is a legit hosting choice. Just let her know that is what you have to offer. As for food, grocery store premade is another legit choice. Anything from sandwiches and veggie trays to rotisserie chicken or lasagna and salad.
But really those are the details in the background. The point is to be with loved ones so you can"t gofar wron.
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tractor
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Post by tractor on Oct 26, 2019 6:52:43 GMT -5
Sorry for your loss, best think you can do is just breathe, focus on yourself for a few moments and let the rest take care of itself. Your niece and kids should be able to handle the rest of the stuff.
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bobosensei
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Post by bobosensei on Oct 26, 2019 7:02:51 GMT -5
I'm so sorry to hear about this Southern Susana.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Oct 26, 2019 7:24:31 GMT -5
I talked to my daughter. She has a friend whose husband is a minister. She said $50 - $100 is the norm tucked into a thank you note. She set up the minister and figured the best day/time for her, her husband, and her brother. I will call the funeral home tomorrow to see if they can make it work. We put it off until the next week So everyone won't feel rushed. I also asked her about food. Her dad's mom owns a farm with a guest house. She said we will do something there because it is so close to the National Cemetery. When I find out when, she will decide the details. I will pay. I am so grateful for her help. This sounds like a good plan. I am glad to hear that your daughter is helping. Here it's customary to have a meal after a funeral. The meal is usually prepared by the church ladies, the VFW, etc. and is nothing fancy. Things like sandwiches, chips, a few salads, and desserts. Nothing is provided before the service. When mom passed, we used my sister's minister. We paid him extra because he drove 3 hours each way. We also paid him mileage. He had visited mom quite a bit during the last months of her life and was the one who knew she was dying NOW. He went for a visit and called my sister to get there and to call hospice. He'd seen it before and knew her time had come. He was right. We used to come from out of town for funerals and never expected to stay with the family of the deceased. We always got a hotel room.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2019 7:30:09 GMT -5
There's no "right" way to do a funeral. (Although I have told DS if he dares to have a "celebration of life" with a balloon release I'll come back and haunt him.) We had about 40 people at DH's funeral service but nothing afterwards. DS and DDIL and the kids were staying with me and we had a restaurant meal afterwards- no separate room. I asked our pastor what the customary donation was and he said, "Nothing- it's what I do". (I wrote a check to his Discretionary Fund, which is used to help people in need.) It never hurts to ask outright.
Your plans sound fine.
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buystoys
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Post by buystoys on Oct 26, 2019 7:32:08 GMT -5
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I would ask the pastor what his usual fee is. Some charge and some don't. Here, the church who provides the funeral will also provide a meal afterwards for a small fee.
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Oct 26, 2019 7:32:46 GMT -5
Hugs Susana.
In my family, after a funeral, someone has always hosted a get together with food after a funeral service. However this has never (that I remember) been hosted by the widow/widower. Usually by one of children. Usually with a lot of food contributions from others.
I’ve been to many funerals on DH side (they are from AL and now all live in GA btw). Been to many funerals and never been to a post funeral gathering.
As the widower, you have enough to deal with. You should not be expected to host anyone or any gathering. If your DD volunteers you should be there, even contribute $ if you feel like it, but let others do the work, and take care of yourself.
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Blonde Granny
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Post by Blonde Granny on Oct 26, 2019 7:40:17 GMT -5
Susana, if you plan on having him interred in a National Cemetery there are certain steps you need to take, and rules you will have to follow. First you will need a copy of his DD214, and then you will need to contact the National Cemetery scheduling office: www.va.gov/burials-memorials/plan-a-burial/At the Natl. Cemetery where my DH is interred, any service held there is allowed 20 minutes. After that we had to leave. After 4 PM we were allowed to return to visit the gravesite. There is paperwork involving the headstone and what it says on it. And any thing other that name, rank, service, date of birth and death must be approved. It will take a couple of months to have the headstone placed. It seems like a lot to do, but the entire burial etc. is handled like the military.....with precision. Call the number I posted in the link and that will get things going. OK, no burial, the VA takes care of that too. My son and I turned over DHs remains to the Natl. Cemetery. We went back 2 days later and his ashes had been buried. There was no cost to me for anything. End of story. (end of unknown relatives and costs)
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2019 7:41:46 GMT -5
My sympathies on your loss. If your neice needs a place to stay an air mattress is a legit hosting choice. Just let her know that is what you have to offer. As for food, grocery store premade is another legit choice. Anything from sandwiches and veggie trays to rotisserie chicken or lasagna and salad. But really those are the details in the background. The point is to be with loved ones so you can"t gofar wron. She isn't my niece. You are picturing someone young. His niece is probably 50-60s. She is bringing her older husband. They aren't the ages where you put an air mattress on the floor. And these aren't my loved ones. I've never met them in my life nor talked to her until a few weeks ago. They live in NC. So if the point is to be with loved ones, this is majorly missing the point. I'm stressing too much about little stuff when DH didn't even want a funeral.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2019 7:52:16 GMT -5
Susana, if you plan on having him interred in a National Cemetery there are certain steps you need to take, and rules you will have to follow. First you will need a copy of his DD214, and then you will need to contact the National Cemetery scheduling office: www.va.gov/burials-memorials/plan-a-burial/At the Natl. Cemetery where my DH is interred, any service held there is allowed 20 minutes. After that we had to leave. After 4 PM we were allowed to return to visit the gravesite. There is paperwork involving the headstone and what it says on it. And any thing other that name, rank, service, date of birth and death must be approved. It will take a couple of months to have the headstone placed. It seems like a lot to do, but the entire burial etc. is handled like the military.....with precision. Call the number I posted in the link and that will get things going. Thanks, BG. The funeral home asked for a copy of his DD214 when they picked up the body. They coordinate the scheduling with the National Cemetery. DH and I had previously gone to see the cemetery (it is only a few years old) and talked with the director there. He said then that the easiest way was to let the funeral home handle it. But it is good to know about the 20 minutes. I will make sure the minister knows that. I don't know if he has performed a funeral there or not. I had offers of food, and I turned them down. It was to be a private ceremony. Not any more.
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Blonde Granny
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Post by Blonde Granny on Oct 26, 2019 7:55:17 GMT -5
Another thing.....by having in remains buried at a Natl. Cemetery it takes all the responsibility off your shoulders. Therefore, for the "show up now and feed me and give me a place to stay" it becomes all about YOU and what HE wanted. My DH did not want any service of any kind. I told his 2 older brothers (one who lived in Seattle and one in Fla)a there would be no service. This entire ordeal was me and my adult son.
You are in control and you only do what you want.
The 20 minutes may only be for the Natl. Cemetery in Omaha Nebr. And all the stuff shown in the movies of the parade of cars etc. doesn't happen. The service over, you leave cuz the next one is waiting.
My DH was buried in a new Cemetery and was the 6th veteran buried there.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Oct 26, 2019 8:11:20 GMT -5
My sympathies on your loss. If your neice needs a place to stay an air mattress is a legit hosting choice. Just let her know that is what you have to offer. As for food, grocery store premade is another legit choice. Anything from sandwiches and veggie trays to rotisserie chicken or lasagna and salad. But really those are the details in the background. The point is to be with loved ones so you can"t gofar wron. She isn't my niece. You are picturing someone young. His niece is probably 50-60s. She is bringing her older husband. They aren't the ages where you put an air mattress on the floor. And these aren't my loved ones. I've never met them in my life nor talked to her until a few weeks ago. They live in NC. So if the point is to be with loved ones, this is majorly missing the point. I'm stressing too much about little stuff when DH didn't even want a funeral. You don't have to host them. You don't have to have a meal afterward even if its custom. It's great that you've included her enough that she can come down for the service and get some closure. That is good enough. There arent any etiquette rules I can think of that says you or your kids have to host long lost relatives after your loss.
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Post by empress of self-improvement on Oct 26, 2019 8:25:29 GMT -5
When my dad died, we had a service at the funeral home after the visitation hours. I was a wreck so no idea how my uncle took care of the priest who did it. Said uncle stayed at my dad's house while the other one stayed at a B&B with his family. When my mother died, we did nothing. She wanted nothing and that is what she got. Biggest thing they both wanted was their ashes spread up in northern NH. They got their wishes. ETA: DH and I don't want anything either. If his family wants something, they can pony up for it. The whole rigamarole is about the living, not the deceased. They aren't exactly here to enjoy it. He keeps telling me to just bury him in backyard. Nobody ever sees him so it's like they would know he's gone. They just might wonder why one of my holes is suddenly filled in.
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Rukh O'Rorke
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Post by Rukh O'Rorke on Oct 26, 2019 8:55:08 GMT -5
I'm so sorry for your loss, Susanna. My father was buried at one of the national cemeteries, but my mother did do a big traditional funeral and everything and so it was still very costly. We had the wake at a funeral home, and about 8-10 of his nieces and nephews made the trip from many other states. I've likely seen these relatives 20 or so times in my life. Not close, but not strangers. None asked us for accommodations so I can't comment on that. My mom liked to call it an Irish wake, but I don't think it was strictly speaking! The next day was the funeral at the church. We had a bagpiper going in and out, then to the cemetery and the national cemetery did a very nice service, 21 gun salute, someone from the military who spoke, and the flag folded and given to my mother. It was very nice. The church had standard payments for everything, including the minister, and then I think there was a tip involved for both the minister and the bagpiper. I'm sorry but I can't recall much of the details. I think we just googled up who to notify to get the process started for the national cemetery, they need to do some verifications, etc. so it took some time. He was under hospice care, so they helped a bit with information as did the funeral home and the contacts for the national cemetery. We hosted a luncheon at a venue that I think was recommended by either the national cemetery contact or the funeral home - maybe the funeral home? The cemetery was quite a long way away, about an hour or so driving, but I guess the funeral homes are very familiar. I think the funeral home also recommended the piper. I'd think a luncheon would be nice, but not required. You could likely make reservations for a single larger table? Or will the grandkids be attending? Then you may need to request a room, which is what we did. As we got the recommendation, the restaurant was experienced in handling funeral luncheons. I know that it seems like a lot right now - but once it's all over it really doesn't seem that way and I think that you will be glad of the ceremony and functions, etc. Your kids need to be there for you. This is what we do, how we process loss, and people need to come together for each other.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Oct 26, 2019 9:12:38 GMT -5
The food can be handled in a couple of ways.
For my dad, I set things up with the VFW and they provided everything and sent us the bill. It was very reasonable, and this was where my dad spent time, and had friends here.
My MIL lost her husband, and she had a luncheon catered. I am sure her bill was quite a bit bigger, as her husband knew a zillion people.
Whenever we have traveled for a funeral, we did not expect to be put up. Offer the niece and her DH the phone number of a nice, local hotel and tell them you have no place for them to sleep.
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jerseygirl
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Post by jerseygirl on Oct 26, 2019 11:47:51 GMT -5
Sorry Susana You took good care of him! My dad didn’t want a service but cremation then ashes scattered at sea Funeral home took care of all My mom was exhausted from taking care of him, emotions etc So we had a family get together a few months afterwards to remember him If this is stressful for you ask one of your kids to take over
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Oct 26, 2019 11:58:29 GMT -5
Is this the same niece who came to visit several weeks ago? Where did she stay then? Just do what you are comfortable with. Sure all involved will understand.
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dannylion
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Post by dannylion on Oct 26, 2019 12:25:49 GMT -5
People will want to help. Let them.
Tell your niece about the accommodation issue. Ask her what she wants to do. If you want to provide food after whatever services you and your family decide to have, ask your family to help you make arrangements.
Other people will offer help. Tell them what you need to have done. Ask them for advice if you are unsure what to do. Those wo have done this before will offer suggestions from their experience and their knowledge of you and your DH.
This has all been done before, and there are people who have experience in doing everything that needs to be done. Take advantage of their experience. When you are dealing with the professionals you encounter during the preparations, ask for their advice. Some will, of course, be interested in selling you additional services, but it is likely that you will find that most are quite happy to answer your questions and offer suggestions that you can take or leave as you see fit.
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sesfw
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Post by sesfw on Oct 26, 2019 13:10:31 GMT -5
(((((((((( Susanna )))))))))))))) I'm so sorry about the passing of your husband. Take things one day at a time and don't forget to breathe.
When my Bill passed 21 years ago I remember calling a local church to have his memorial service in the chapel. Our neighbors and co-workers provided huge amounts of food for our guests and they were invited to our home to share the meal. I think our daughter (or maybe the neighbors) did all the prep ........ I truly don't remember.
Just go with the flow and let others deal with details. The funeral home is a wealth of information. You are doing well just being there.
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laterbloomer
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Post by laterbloomer on Oct 26, 2019 13:17:37 GMT -5
My sympathies on your loss. If your neice needs a place to stay an air mattress is a legit hosting choice. Just let her know that is what you have to offer. As for food, grocery store premade is another legit choice. Anything from sandwiches and veggie trays to rotisserie chicken or lasagna and salad. But really those are the details in the background. The point is to be with loved ones so you can"t gofar wron. She isn't my niece. You are picturing someone young. His niece is probably 50-60s. She is bringing her older husband. They aren't the ages where you put an air mattress on the floor. And these aren't my loved ones. I've never met them in my life nor talked to her until a few weeks ago. They live in NC. So if the point is to be with loved ones, this is majorly missing the point. I'm stressing too much about little stuff when DH didn't even want a funeral. That is a totally different thing than i had pictued. Ignore what i said.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2019 15:10:32 GMT -5
It’s great that your daughter is helping you. This is a time when you aren’t expected to see about anyone but yourself, and it’s ok to let the people that care about you, help you.
Where I live, family and friends usually bring food over for the grieving family, so meals are one less thing they have to concern themselves with. Families do usually gather immediately after the funeral, and there’s food, either at the church where services were held, or one of the family member’s home. But nobody would expect you to handle the details as far as food.
Whatever feels like too much for you, ask someone else to handle it if it must be handled. Don’t worry about trying to be a good hostess, or even a hostess at all if you aren’t up to it. People will understand.
Take care of yourself. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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