Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2019 13:16:23 GMT -5
To which part? I don't like my husband much. I'm figuring out what I want to do about that. He snores like a freight train and refuses to use his CPAP, so I made him move downstairs so I actually sleep. The not liking your husband part. I didn't know that, certainly didn't know it was to the point that you feel like you need to figure out what to do about it. I'm sorry. I understand not wanting to sleep in the room that sounds like a freight train is roaring through. Especially when there is an available solution that could help.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Jan 23, 2019 20:37:21 GMT -5
To which part? I don't like my husband much. I'm figuring out what I want to do about that. He snores like a freight train and refuses to use his CPAP, so I made him move downstairs so I actually sleep. The not liking your husband part. I didn't know that, certainly didn't know it was to the point that you feel like you need to figure out what to do about it. I'm sorry. I understand not wanting to sleep in the room that sounds like a freight train is roaring through. Especially when there is an available solution that could help. I mean, figuring out what to do about that could also include deciding to like him again, maybe. Who knows. I still care for him, I just don't super want to be married to him anymore.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Jan 23, 2019 22:17:24 GMT -5
The not liking your husband part. I didn't know that, certainly didn't know it was to the point that you feel like you need to figure out what to do about it. I'm sorry. I understand not wanting to sleep in the room that sounds like a freight train is roaring through. Especially when there is an available solution that could help. I mean, figuring out what to do about that could also include deciding to like him again, maybe. Who knows. I still care for him, I just don't super want to be married to him anymore. I've been in that space several times in my 17 yr marriage. I don't think it's all that unusual.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2019 22:20:32 GMT -5
The not liking your husband part. I didn't know that, certainly didn't know it was to the point that you feel like you need to figure out what to do about it. I'm sorry. I understand not wanting to sleep in the room that sounds like a freight train is roaring through. Especially when there is an available solution that could help. I mean, figuring out what to do about that could also include deciding to like him again, maybe. Who knows. I still care for him, I just don't super want to be married to him anymore. Well, whatever you come up with, you have my support. I don't want to derail Sam's thread, you can always PM me if you'd like to talk, need to vent, whatever. In the meantime, please take good care of yourself!
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debthaven
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Post by debthaven on Jan 24, 2019 18:07:30 GMT -5
Sam I can understand why you've decided to give it another try. Just please, PLEASE, don't sell yourself short. I honestly find it hard to believe that someone who did the multiple nasty things your H did to you can truly turn things around. If he can, great. If you can forgive him for abandoning you on that bridge, getting too close to his favorite bartender, etc, that's fine. Those things still bother me because good people just don't do those things. An adult shouldn't need to be TAUGHT that it's NOT OK to make your DW make her own way home after an evening out.
We all care about YOU. We want YOU (and your kids) to be happy.
But please, PLEASE don't just limp along unhappily for the next 5 or 10 or 20 years of your life.
Give it another try if you want. But KNOW what you want, and take care of yourself and your kids while you give it another try.
I would advise you to set a time limit though. A generous one.
I don't want to be pessimistic but I fear that once you relent, your H will go back to his old ways. I hope I'm wrong. But if I'm not, you need to have a plan.
Many hugs.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Jan 24, 2019 18:38:25 GMT -5
Sam I can understand why you've decided to give it another try. Just please, PLEASE, don't sell yourself short. I honestly find it hard to believe that someone who did the multiple nasty things your H did to you can truly turn things around. If he can, great. If you can forgive him for abandoning you on that bridge, getting too close to his favorite bartender, etc, that's fine. Those things still bother me because good people just don't do those things. An adult shouldn't need to be TAUGHT that it's NOT OK to make your DW make her own way home after an evening out.
We all care about YOU. We want YOU (and your kids) to be happy.
But please, PLEASE don't just limp along unhappily for the next 5 or 10 or 20 years of your life.
Give it another try if you want. But KNOW what you want, and take care of yourself and your kids while you give it another try.
I would advise you to set a time limit though. A generous one.
I don't want to be pessimistic but I fear that once you relent, your H will go back to his old ways. I hope I'm wrong. But if I'm not, you need to have a plan.
Many hugs. What she said. It deserves repeating.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Jan 24, 2019 21:14:43 GMT -5
Life is too short to be that unhappy. Theres a time limit on it. 9 months is what my counselor suggested. People can keep up an act for a month or two. They dont go 9 months unless it's real usually.
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Jan 25, 2019 0:17:02 GMT -5
Life is too short to be that unhappy. Theres a time limit on it. 9 months is what my counselor suggested. People can keep up an act for a month or two. They dont go 9 months unless it's real usually. Good plan!
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sbcalimom
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Post by sbcalimom on Jan 25, 2019 4:58:55 GMT -5
Life is too short to be that unhappy. Theres a time limit on it. 9 months is what my counselor suggested. People can keep up an act for a month or two. They dont go 9 months unless it's real usually. This, so much this. I was separated from my husband (as in separate apartments) for about a year back in 2015-2016. I was ready to file for divorce when he had a change of heart and wanted to do all the things I had been begging for for nearly 4 years. Since we have two young children, I felt like I had to give it one more try to be sure I was making the right choice. And things were really good for about 6 months. But, because he got a job abroad we had to accelerate our timeline of moving back in together and then there was the added stress of moving to a foreign country. Nearly three years later, things are just as bad if not worse than before. But, I'm totally stuck because moving would be ridiculously expensive and disruptive to the children. So, I just limp along and hope that things will get better or I'll have the resources to move back with the girls on my own. I do think we'd have had a better shot if circumstances had been different and we'd had more time to reintegrate the marriage before such a huge stressor. Time will show you what your next step is and we're all rooting for you to have a happy, successful resolution whatever that looks like for you and your family!
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Jan 25, 2019 11:05:59 GMT -5
Big hugs, sbcalimom
If I can jump minor tracks here, I have an opportunity to take a lateral if not slightly stepping down move. It would be for a great manager that I really like personally, and a job that I know how to do inside & out. The payscale is lower but I've talked to the hiring manager and told him what I'd need, and he said he could do it and encouraged me to apply. I've been in project mode for 4 years and they just announced another 3 to come. I need off this crazy train. So...career suicide move again? Maybe. Who knows.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Jan 25, 2019 11:15:18 GMT -5
Easing up on your worklife when your personal life is chaotic makes a lot of sense. I made steps to file for divorce from my X one early winter and it pushed him to reevaluate and make steps to change. He asked me if I really wanted to divorce, and I remember feeling confused, because who really wants to (have to) divorce? I told him no, and we went on for another year. By then it was clear that he would not/could not make any real sustained changes and I filed. He refused to leave the house for several months afterward. But his attorney finally got him to go. I do know of several couples who came to crisis points and worked through them to maintain their marriages, too. So it can work - Best to you, Sam_2.0.
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tcu2003
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Post by tcu2003 on Jan 25, 2019 13:16:37 GMT -5
Depends on your company, but I don’t think it will be career suicide to take a step back for your next role. It happens more often than people talk about - and it asked, you can always just say you had personal reasons for needing to do so, but you’re ready to step up again (if that point comes).
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 25, 2019 16:42:54 GMT -5
Big hugs, sbcalimom
If I can jump minor tracks here, I have an opportunity to take a lateral if not slightly stepping down move. It would be for a great manager that I really like personally, and a job that I know how to do inside & out. The payscale is lower but I've talked to the hiring manager and told him what I'd need, and he said he could do it and encouraged me to apply. I've been in project mode for 4 years and they just announced another 3 to come. I need off this crazy train.
a career is not the most important thing in the world. It's okay to not chase the almighty dollar and title.
I've decided I'm done with the "career" mantra.
It's just one more stress factor. I got other shit I need to fix first. Maybe I'll pick up steam again at a later date but right now I'm cool being a 8-5 wage slave.
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Jan 26, 2019 11:24:41 GMT -5
Sam- I wish you luck and I do hope you get your happily ever after one way or another. I think 9 months is a good timeline. Changing behaviors and breaking habits take time to rewire the brain. 9 months give you time to decided if he has changed enough, but to be fair it gives him time to full install the new behaviors and habits. I wouldn't expect him not to have any slips within that time, people just don't make smooth changes, so if you don't see any slips I would be more concern then if you do. If you do see them at least he is being open with the process, and acknowledging that he is working on changing, and his energy can go to correcting them. If things seem to perfect and you don't see any slips then it most likely it is, and instead his energy is most likely going to hide them and cover them vs building the skills to change. My DH and I seem to be on a constant maintenance plan with our relationship but at the worst we are friends and roommates, at the best we are pretty awesome. But we do have talks during the year about what our lives would look like separate and together. I guess what I am saying is keep your options open and have different plans.
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Jan 26, 2019 11:25:09 GMT -5
And I think a work/life balance is a great idea.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Jan 30, 2019 15:34:36 GMT -5
@bamafan1954, I assume that you intended to tag Sam_2.0?
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Feb 4, 2019 10:41:07 GMT -5
Hey Sam_2.0, just thinking of you and hoping that everything is going the way you want it to.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Feb 4, 2019 11:02:32 GMT -5
Things were going ok. We'd had a good counseling session, he had kept up with stuff, I was even opening up more and talking about things. Then I met him after work on Thurs for Happy Hour, and it took a horrible turn. He started telling me I never gave him a fair shot, how this was basically all my fault but that he was super forgiving and he could look past the work guy stuff, but that I will never be happy because I like being broken. I got up and left. I didn't come home for several hours. He called crying, saying he was sorry, and he was in the wrong for cornering me like that. I still need to unpack all of that with my counselor. I came home and let him have it. Went to bed. Hardly talked to him the next day. On Saturday we took the kids to the zoo and it was a really fun family time. We went out Sat night to dinner and just shopping around and it was enjoyable. And I'm still struggling with feeling zero attraction to him. So....we are still here, and its still a hot mess. But I'm getting better at standing up for myself, and he's getting better at participating in family life. So I guess there are some small positives.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Feb 4, 2019 11:15:23 GMT -5
I think these ups and downs are going to happen - like Geena said, it would be almost like your H is putting on an act if there were zero hiccups . Your H seems to really struggle with taking any responsibility for things getting the way they are between you two (and I very much hope that he is working through that with his own therapist), but his increased participation is good to hear.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Feb 4, 2019 11:33:53 GMT -5
He seems to be fine until there is alcohol around. Both times he treated you badly recently (that I can remember without going back to look) were at a bar and at happy hour. Maybe he needs to think about that and if the alcohol is worth losing his marriage.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Feb 4, 2019 11:36:40 GMT -5
He seems to be fine until there is alcohol around. Both times he treated you badly recently (that I can remember without going back to look) were at a bar and at happy hour. Maybe he needs to think about that and if the alcohol is worth losing his marriage. That's not really the issue. Both of us drink a lot. Turns out, that's the only way I feel like doing anything with him which *is* a problem. But he's no more mean when he drinks than when he doesn't. That just happened to be the backdrop both times.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Feb 4, 2019 11:38:40 GMT -5
He seems to be fine until there is alcohol around. Both times he treated you badly recently (that I can remember without going back to look) were at a bar and at happy hour. Maybe he needs to think about that and if the alcohol is worth losing his marriage. That's not really the issue. Both of us drink a lot. Turns out, that's the only way I feel like doing anything with him which *is* a problem. But he's no more mean when he drinks than when he doesn't. That just happened to be the backdrop both times. I see. Well, I hope it works out for you whatever you end up doing.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 4, 2019 11:43:00 GMT -5
Perhaps both of you need to stop using alcohol to cover up problems that need solving without alcohol? Not a good example for kids or healthy for your physical, mental, and emotional well being. As well as being expensive.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Feb 4, 2019 11:47:45 GMT -5
I think Sam is or has been working on that. We don't have her H's side of the story though. Habits/crutches are hard to shed overnight.
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Feb 4, 2019 12:19:36 GMT -5
How is the guy at work any different than his bartender?
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Feb 4, 2019 12:24:15 GMT -5
I think these ups and downs are going to happen - like Geena said, it would be almost like your H is putting on an act if there were zero hiccups . Your H seems to really struggle with taking any responsibility for things getting the way they are between you two (and I very much hope that he is working through that with his own therapist), but his increased participation is good to hear. I agree that there will be back sliding as you both try to figure out what your new normal looks like. It's great he's active in family life. That's a huge improvement, but if he can't take any responsibility for where things are at how can you both move forward together? Even if you move forward separately it will be a lot easier if he can take responsibility for his part in everything. I know you said you were going to discuss this with your therapist which is good. I think it should be a huge talking point with the joint therapist as well. It doesn't sound like he apologized for what he said, just how and where he said it.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Feb 4, 2019 12:27:52 GMT -5
How is the guy at work any different than his bartender? I wouldn't draw comparisons between the 2. He was regularly spending time with the bartender. I'd make that very clear.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Feb 4, 2019 12:28:12 GMT -5
Lots of hugs Sam.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Feb 4, 2019 12:32:55 GMT -5
How is the guy at work any different than his bartender? I don't think it is different. But both seem to be willing to look past the other's indiscretions.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Feb 4, 2019 12:42:45 GMT -5
men in general seem to consider the real or perceived infidelity of a woman in a relationship to be MUCH worse than the same of a male in a relationship.... like some form of male infidelity is almost expected in a way.
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