Pants
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Post by Pants on Feb 4, 2019 12:48:48 GMT -5
Things were going ok. We'd had a good counseling session, he had kept up with stuff, I was even opening up more and talking about things. Then I met him after work on Thurs for Happy Hour, and it took a horrible turn. He started telling me I never gave him a fair shot, how this was basically all my fault but that he was super forgiving and he could look past the work guy stuff, but that I will never be happy because I like being broken. I got up and left. I didn't come home for several hours. He called crying, saying he was sorry, and he was in the wrong for cornering me like that. I still need to unpack all of that with my counselor. I came home and let him have it. Went to bed. Hardly talked to him the next day. On Saturday we took the kids to the zoo and it was a really fun family time. We went out Sat night to dinner and just shopping around and it was enjoyable. And I'm still struggling with feeling zero attraction to him. So....we are still here, and its still a hot mess. But I'm getting better at standing up for myself, and he's getting better at participating in family life. So I guess there are some small positives. Please tell me you're keeping a list of things to talk about at the counselor.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Feb 4, 2019 12:49:46 GMT -5
Hugs Sam.
I think it's the whore/Madonna complex MJ.
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oped
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Post by oped on Feb 4, 2019 13:07:43 GMT -5
It also needs to come up in joint session. Is this an aberration or how he really feels?
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justme
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Post by justme on Feb 4, 2019 15:56:08 GMT -5
Glad you're standing up, but wow to the "you like to be broken". Actually, both the super forgiving, looking past extra marital stuff, and liking being broken sounds like him not you. Maybe one of those you're apt to accuse people of cheating when you're the one cheating? Not that it excuses it. I hope he's back to taking his meds, but it sounds like he might not be as those are some vicious swings.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Feb 4, 2019 16:43:33 GMT -5
Good for you for standing up for yourself Sam_2.0 . But that was a pretty nasty display from H. I sure hope that you are using this time to pay off debt as fast as you can now H is carrying his financial share. It will put you in a better place whether this works out for the two of you together or not.
sbcalimom I am sorry things did not work out as you'd hoped they would. Don't forget that it is never too late for change. Is there a chance that H may get a job back in the US? That may or may not help your relationship but it would put you in a better place to start over if it should come to that.
to both of you (hugging only my on-line friends → not their Hs)
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Feb 4, 2019 21:08:29 GMT -5
I couldn't live that way, but people can and do. I hope it gets better for you no matter what you decide.
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steph08
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Post by steph08 on Feb 6, 2019 11:02:24 GMT -5
sam, though I'm sure we all hoped for a smooth road for you, we all knew it would be bumpy. I hope the good days continue to outnumber the bad. Hugs.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Feb 11, 2019 10:05:49 GMT -5
Sam_2.0, how are you doing? Was this weekend ok?
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Feb 11, 2019 23:44:27 GMT -5
Sam_2.0, how are you doing? Was this weekend ok? It was rough being iced in, but overall it went ok. Things are more neutral or friendly, and rarely hostile. So that's nice.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 12, 2019 5:20:39 GMT -5
Good. Spend this time getting finances in order. If nothing happens then your finances are in order. If something happens your finances are in order.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Feb 12, 2019 13:02:19 GMT -5
we just want the best for you and your munchkins, Sam_2.0.
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Feb 12, 2019 19:24:02 GMT -5
Do you ever get afraid of him? I would be very concerned if my other half were that unstable.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Feb 12, 2019 22:33:44 GMT -5
Do you ever get afraid of him? I would be very concerned if my other half were that unstable. I'm not afraid of him. I'd honestly have more concerned about him hurting himself than any of us. But he's done pretty well with his therapy and medication and seems to be in a good spot overall which is encouraging. No matter what happens I want him to be healthy and take care of himself so he can help take care of the kids. They need their dad
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Feb 13, 2019 12:08:16 GMT -5
Do you ever get afraid of him? I would be very concerned if my other half were that unstable. I'm not afraid of him. I'd honestly have more concerned about him hurting himself than any of us. But he's done pretty well with his therapy and medication and seems to be in a good spot overall which is encouraging. No matter what happens I want him to be healthy and take care of himself so he can help take care of the kids. They need their dadas a child who used to adore her extremely hands-off, uninvolved, self-interested father - yes, kids absolutely do need their dad.* *provided said dad is mentally capable of decent parenting
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Feb 22, 2019 10:16:23 GMT -5
How are you holding up Sam_2.0? And the kids?
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Feb 26, 2019 9:59:19 GMT -5
We are here. Had counseling yesterday and it was rough. H is keeping up with his changes, which is good. But I still have no romantic attraction to him, which sucks. I know it hurts him. I had to be honest about it, and then I felt like shit. The friendship is slowly coming back and we've had some good weeks. But there's still a big piece missing. Now to figure out if that can come back or if we can live like things are or if we do something else entirely. But he is being nice, and taking responsibility for things, and I feel like he's being more of a partner than he ever has.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Feb 26, 2019 10:27:04 GMT -5
I could be totally TOTALLY wrong about this, but I'm not sure if feeling romantic toward your partner long-term is possible - especially when you throw in all of life's drudgery. There seems to be a reason stories end right after the long-anticipated romantic coupling of the main characters. I know in my experience it was really hard for me to feel romantic toward X after cooking, cleaning, and picking up after everyone while also working full time.
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Feb 26, 2019 12:58:37 GMT -5
I could be totally TOTALLY wrong about this, but I'm not sure if feeling romantic toward your partner long-term is possible - especially when you throw in all of life's drudgery. There seems to be a reason stories end right after the long-anticipated romantic coupling of the main characters. I know in my experience it was really hard for me to feel romantic toward X after cooking, cleaning, and picking up after everyone while also working full time. I think you might be wrong . Marriage has a lot of ups and downs and plenty of drudgery... but I still think my husband is sexually attractive. If we're squabbling about something then I don't have romantic feelings but when things are just pottering along then no problem. I do imagine that if my marriage hit a really rough patch then I wouldn't want to have sex and if things continually deteriorated it would reach the point where those feelings are gone. Once they're gone it would probably be very hard to find that spark again.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Feb 26, 2019 12:59:51 GMT -5
MJ, I took it as she mostly LIKES him again, but not really sure she LOVES him still. Might be just me though.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Feb 26, 2019 13:08:24 GMT -5
I could be totally TOTALLY wrong about this, but I'm not sure if feeling romantic toward your partner long-term is possible - especially when you throw in all of life's drudgery. There seems to be a reason stories end right after the long-anticipated romantic coupling of the main characters. I know in my experience it was really hard for me to feel romantic toward X after cooking, cleaning, and picking up after everyone while also working full time. I think you might be wrong . Marriage has a lot of ups and downs and plenty of drudgery... but I still think my husband is sexually attractive. If we're squabbling about something then I don't have romantic feelings but when things are just pottering along then no problem. I do imagine that if my marriage hit a really rough patch then I wouldn't want to have sex and if things continually deteriorated it would reach the point where those feelings are gone. Once they're gone it would probably be very hard to find that spark again. that makes sense.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Feb 26, 2019 14:13:23 GMT -5
I could be totally TOTALLY wrong about this, but I'm not sure if feeling romantic toward your partner long-term is possible - especially when you throw in all of life's drudgery. There seems to be a reason stories end right after the long-anticipated romantic coupling of the main characters. I know in my experience it was really hard for me to feel romantic toward X after cooking, cleaning, and picking up after everyone while also working full time. We've been married almost 16 years, together for about 22. Romance is just not happening.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Feb 26, 2019 14:18:40 GMT -5
I could be totally TOTALLY wrong about this, but I'm not sure if feeling romantic toward your partner long-term is possible - especially when you throw in all of life's drudgery. There seems to be a reason stories end right after the long-anticipated romantic coupling of the main characters. I know in my experience it was really hard for me to feel romantic toward X after cooking, cleaning, and picking up after everyone while also working full time. We've been married almost 16 years, together for about 22. Romance is just not happening. Ditto. Except married for almost 15 years and together for 18.
I've got no sex drive at all anymore. I'm fat, tired and can't shut my brain down. Add in menopause and just no.
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steph08
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Post by steph08 on Feb 26, 2019 14:29:00 GMT -5
Y'all need to watch Bradley Cooper sing at the Oscars (or in A Star is Born). That will bring back your sex drive! Or is that just me?
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Feb 26, 2019 14:36:41 GMT -5
Y'all need to watch Bradley Cooper sing at the Oscars (or in A Star is Born). That will bring back your sex drive! Or is that just me? My DH does not look like Bradley Cooper, tho.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Feb 26, 2019 14:40:39 GMT -5
Mine shows up at completely inopportune times, like while I'm doing a closing. Or I'm grocery shopping. Then when I have time to address the issue, meh.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 26, 2019 15:06:43 GMT -5
I could be totally TOTALLY wrong about this, but I'm not sure if feeling romantic toward your partner long-term is possible - especially when you throw in all of life's drudgery. There seems to be a reason stories end right after the long-anticipated romantic coupling of the main characters. I know in my experience it was really hard for me to feel romantic toward X after cooking, cleaning, and picking up after everyone while also working full time. I think you might be wrong . Marriage has a lot of ups and downs and plenty of drudgery... but I still think my husband is sexually attractive. If we're squabbling about something then I don't have romantic feelings but when things are just pottering along then no problem. I do imagine that if my marriage hit a really rough patch then I wouldn't want to have sex and if things continually deteriorated it would reach the point where those feelings are gone. Once they're gone it would probably be very hard to find that spark again. Despite all our ups and downs we are still very sexually attracted to each other. It doesn't happen as often as when we were DINKs but we try to do it at least once a week. It may not be good sex but we'll do it. We both consider it an important part of our marriage that we're determined to keep going.
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steph08
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Post by steph08 on Feb 26, 2019 15:13:50 GMT -5
Y'all need to watch Bradley Cooper sing at the Oscars (or in A Star is Born). That will bring back your sex drive! Or is that just me? My DH does not look like Bradley Cooper, tho. Just close your eyes and think of England. Or of Bradley Cooper.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Feb 26, 2019 15:25:05 GMT -5
Even after all Baby Daddy's BS, I was still very attracted to him. He's a pretty attractive guy. Even 7 years in when we finally broke up. I wouldn't touch him today, but it's because of the way he's treated the girls, not because he's unattractive to me.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Feb 26, 2019 16:01:25 GMT -5
You ladies all have kids, though, with a lot on your plates. Once they are older and more self-sufficient your lives should get easier with more time and energy for yourselves and your spouses.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Feb 26, 2019 16:04:35 GMT -5
You ladies all have kids, though, with a lot on your plates. Once they are older and more self-sufficient your lives should get easier with more time and energy for yourselves and your spouses. It is so much easier with them grown. A couple of weeks ago Thing 1 asked where I was going at 10pm on a Saturday. I told her that I was going to a party. She it was so sad that she's 21 and was going to go to bed while I went out and partied. I have way more fun than she does! ETA: I'm not ever trying to have a spouse, so take my POV with a grain of salt.
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