Dating and Money #2

[Deleted]

At what point during the dating/courtship phase do you start revealing certain financial information such as : income, debt, rent/mortgage payment, savings, 401K etc?

A friend of mine just went on a date this past Friday and she asked him: So how much do you make?
He answered: Enough to support myself. After his answer they left it at that.

I thought it was a bit ballsy to ask that on a first date but maybe I am old school.

So when do you start revealing/asking such info? first date? 4 dates? months? when you move in together? etc?

[SVT]

Whenever it feels comfortable enough between the two. It's going to be different for different couples.

Sometimes you don't have to come right out and ask, "How much do you make?" It could very well just come up in conversation while talking about something related. That's how it's always happened for me. It just comes up in conversation. You can just come out and say I make such and such. If the other person feels comfortable revealing that to you, they will.

[Apple]

Last guy I dated really enjoyed his job but wanted to start looking for something that made a little more money. When he said "I'd like to make more than XX an hour" I realized I made more than double what he did. I didn't say what I made though. If we would have dated longer he would have found out, but I didn't see a need to reveal it yet (I would have kept dating him but he wasn't over his ex, then he kind of disappeared, the difference in income had nothing to do with it). Anyone I dated before him I'd been friends with for a long time so we pretty much knew the other person's situation.

[DVM gone riding]

by the third date I knew I made roughly double BF. but until this year (third year) I didn't know exactly what he made in a year (I could tell you about what an hour though) He knows how much debt I have I know what he owes. so I guess a month to a year???

[illinicheme]

I honestly don't remember. DH and I met will grad students, so it was obvious that we made similar amounts of money at the time. As for investments and stuff, it just all became clear at some point as we were living together prior to getting engaged.

[wvugurl26]

I guess it depends on the situation. The last time I seriously dated someone we started out as broke college students. By the time we had real jobs, investments, etc we were living together so knew the details.

I have to say I might be uncomfortable with someone just point blank asking me that during a date early on in the process. On the other hand sometimes it just comes up in a nonconfrontational manner and I'm fine with that. Some of my friends are federal employees. I know their grades and locations so I could look up what they make it I wanted. Its just come up with us in various conversations about applying for new jobs, getting new jobs.

I understand at a certain point you need to know how the other person handles their money as you start to see if you want a future with them but I'm not sure that needs to be an interview style question in the first few dates. If it comes up in another way fine but to flat out ask someone in the first few dates, I just wouldn't do that. While no one wants to get involved with a financial train wreck, I think that's still a pretty taboo topic at least at first.

[TD2K]

A friend of mine just went on a date this past Friday and she asked him: So how much do you make?
He answered: Enough to support myself. After his answer they left it at that.

Hmm, it sort of evolved over the years. If someone had asked me on the first day I would have definitely wondered where she was coming from.

Which reminds me, I need to likely update my will and who is getting what.

[zibazinski]

I'm engaged to Df and just realized that he not only does not know my income or expenses or assets and I don't know his, either!!!!

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

So when do you start revealing/asking such info? first date? 4 dates? months? when you move in together? etc?

That is just as obnoxious and low class as posing the question of "what is your favorite sex position" on a first date.

[Deleted]

Never. Okay, that is an exaggeration. My XDH1 and I were young when we got together and we combined everything so he knew. And proceeded to try to spend it all. One of XDH2's biggest complaints is that he did not know exactly what my finances were. We kept everything separate and I earn my own money. Once I pay the agreed bills there is no reason for him to know. He would share his financial information with absolutely anyone. That is partly why I wouldn't tell him my info. I don't want it announced to the world. At my age I never intend to combine finances with anyone so I don't see sharing that info in the future.

[swamp]

Mar 27, 2011 22:45:31 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

A friend of mine just went on a date this past Friday and she asked him: So how much do you make?
He answered: Enough to support myself. After his answer they left it at that.

I'm not sure there's a set time to reveal this information, but the first date certainly isn't it.

[Deleted]

Mar 28, 2011 8:03:53 GMT -5 Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ said:

So when do you start revealing/asking such info? first date? 4 dates? months? when you move in together? etc?

That is just as obnoxious and low class as posing the question of "what is your favorite sex position" on a first date.

I have to agree here. Coming right out and asking is just tacky. I really don't think you need to know that information unless you're looking to share expenses (i.e. move in together, make a large purchase together, etc.). DH and I met as broke undergrads, so we really didn't discuss it. All I knew what that I had almost no money, a skimpy PT job, and basically no savings. He had a decent PT job and was very frugal. Once we got older and started working more that's when those conversations came up. And never in a derogatory way, just in terms of planning, like "what can we afford on your salary plus my salary??

[Gardening Grandma]

Anytime I was ever asked "How much do you make?", my response was always , "Not nearly enough". If anyone had ever asked me that on a first date, it would have been the last.

DH and I had the same job when we dated, so we already knew what the other made. He could see that I was supporting myself and two kids, was buying a condo, and that my vacations were camping trips. Once, at work, we were discussing the company's 401K plan and he was surprised when I said I contributed the maximum.

We never discussed details until I moved in with him. Even then, we kept finances separate.

[Deleted]

For years, my salary was public record - if you knew my first and last name, you could actually look it up on the website of our local paper. So I kind of assumed that if someone really wanted to know, they already did.

I think generalities should suffice in an early relationship. "I'm saving up for a house or trying to pay down student loans" are good reasons to plan frugal dates. "Let's go somewhere cheap because I work in a dead end job and have no ambition to do better" - also a useful generality to determine in an early relationship.

But once things get serious (ahem - zib - get on this), I think you need to talk specifics.

[Deleted]

I would find that a massive turnoff on a first date. Asking what they do for a living is OK (and a reasonable gauge of what they make unless it's something with a lot of variation like "accountant" or "consultant"). What would be more relevant to me would be the state of their finances. I'd be more interested in pursuing a long-term relationship with someone who makes $50K but is debt-free and has substantial savings than someone who makes $200K and is in debt up to his eyeballs because he has to have the best of everything.

With DH and me it evolved gradually- we met in a theology class and knew each other a year before my divorce became final and we started dating.

Just remembered a funny story from an earlier relationship- met a guy when I moved to NJ who was 20 years older. I told him at one point what I made. He said that was what he made, too. A couple of times in subsequent years he got annual increases and I asked him what his new salary was and he evaded the question. We eventually bought a 2-family house together and applied for a mortgage. He had to confess that he made a few thousand $$ less than I did but he'd lied because he didn't want to admit it!

[zibazinski]

I know. It is odd but he never asked me so I never asked him.

[philly1]

My golddigger alarm would have went off.

[Deleted]

Mar 28, 2011 10:09:36 GMT -5 philly1 said:

My golddigger alarm would have went off.

LOL I told him the same thing ;D ;D ;D

[souldoubt]

I hope your buddy made that the first and last date.

I've been seeing a girl for 3 months and she hasn't asked me what I make or even hinted at it. I would never come out and flat out tell someone what I make and I'd probably only be comfortable telling someone when discussing living together.

[zibazinski]

Maybe but also maybe she wasn't interested in someone who wasn't on the same page as herself. I agree it's stupid to ask on the first date but perhaps she was liking the guy and wanted what was important to her. My DS has lost 3 good women this way, by not being on the same financial page as themselves. He is now seriously career hunting as opposed to job searching because the new one he isn't letting get away!!!

[jeffreymo]

I dated a girl once - literally one time - and had 3 or 4 phone conversations with her. She was very concerned that I only had an associates degree. She was a teacher and mentioned that she made $35k a year - as if she was fishing for me to discuss what I made. She was really proud of that salary. I congratulated her and didn't mention that I made quite a bit more, and I stopped calling her and returning her calls.

[azphx1972]

Interesting topic. I know some popular dating sites allow you to input an income range as an optional field on your profile. Is it considered tacky to show that on your profile? Discuss.

[jeffreymo]

I have a boastful friend that makes in the $300k range, and I can bet he alludes to this in some way on his 1st dates... and he seems to go on alot of 1st dates.

[azphx1972]

Mar 28, 2011 10:33:52 GMT -5 jeffreymo said:

I have a boastful friend that makes in the $300k range, and I can bet he alludes to this in some way on his 1st dates... and he seems to go on alot of 1st dates.

Is it really that difficult to find a gold digger these days? ;D

[Deleted]

Mar 28, 2011 10:32:43 GMT -5 azphx1972 said:

Interesting topic. I know some popular dating sites allow you to input an income range as an optional field on your profile. Is it considered tacky to show that on your profile? Discuss.

I would have left it blank, not that I am ashame of my small 53K salary... I just don't think it is the person business until we get serious.

In my case I have known my wife since we were 17 and starting dating at 18, so we knew how much each other made all our working careers, same as student loans, cc debt, etc.

But if I were to be single, I would not reveal that information until we were about to take it to the next steps which are:
- moving in together
- getting married
- or taking out a loan together (and the other two would have had to come first)

[whoisjohngalt]

Well, if you would have asked me this question in my life BYM (before YM), I would say tacky tacky tacky. But after reading all those suggestions about asking for credit reports and financial statements of your potential SO, I am not surprised by anything anymore.

Would I ask? Absolutely not. Not bc I don't want to know, but bc I learned a long time ago that what you "make" can be very very deceiving. And I don't usually go by what people say, I watch what they do.

My DH told me about 2 mo into our relationship about all of the financial skeletons in his closet. I don't think he knows even know how much money I had before we got married. If I drop dead, he has no clue where my 401Ks and Roths are and how much is there. His "plan" is to watch the mail and look for statements. Too bad some of them are electronic

Lena

[Deleted]

Mar 28, 2011 10:36:31 GMT -5 azphx1972 said:

Mar 28, 2011 10:33:52 GMT -5 jeffreymo said:

I have a boastful friend that makes in the $300k range, and I can bet he alludes to this in some way on his 1st dates... and he seems to go on alot of 1st dates.

Is it really that difficult to find a gold digger these days? ;D

LOL

[Deleted]

Mar 28, 2011 10:36:31 GMT -5 azphx1972 said:

Mar 28, 2011 10:33:52 GMT -5 jeffreymo said:

I have a boastful friend that makes in the $300k range, and I can bet he alludes to this in some way on his 1st dates... and he seems to go on alot of 1st dates.

Is it really that difficult to find a gold digger these days? ;D

what do you think?

[azphx1972]

Mar 28, 2011 10:38:02 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

And I don't usually go by what people say, I watch what they do.

I'm not sure that is a good way to determine someone's financial situation. Someone who leads a modest lifestyle may not have a high income or they could just be frugal savers, and people who have a ton of nice things may make a lot of money or they could be up their eyeballs in CC debt. Judging by some YMers' lifestyles, people may think they're flat broke when in reality they will probably die with millions in the bank. ;D

[thyme4change]

A friend of mine just went on a date this past Friday and she asked him: So how much do you make?

Holy macaroni! What a low class thing to do!

And, FWIW - I would have answered "Well, my business does pretty well, and the profits I bring in are usually around one million a year - but my real fortune is the inheritance my great-grandpa left me. I really only do the business thing for fun."

And that would have been our last date.