how to get rid of an SO

[motherto2]

Question - it's not me, asking for a friend .  Seriously though, if someone owns a home and has an SO that moved in and it's just not working, what does the homeowner have to do to get that person to leave?  We think that the person won't go willingly.  Name is not associated with the home at all except for getting mail there.  I offered to do research because the person in question isn't allowed to do anything without the SO wanting to know what the person is doing on the internet/phone.  I tried to do some research, and all I could find is the typical landlord/tenant situation where the person gives the SO written notice to move, and then would have to take said person to court if they refuse to leave.  

[cktc]

If it were me I'd get anything personal/valuable out of the house while they are out, then pull the band-aid off, give them a time frame to vacate and make myself scarce. Some people will change locks and have police present when the person collects their stuff to keep things from getting out of hand but I don't know how that works with squatters rights if that is the concern.

[nittanycheme]

At least in PA, its basically like they were a tenant even if they aren't paying rent.  My mom was trying to get rid of hers for a bit, and then they reconciled.  But when she passed, it was a total pain for me to get him out of the house. 

[busymom]

You may need to get the opinion of an attorney, since I understand the laws may vary from state to state.  How long has he been living there?  And, is safety a consideration if he is told to leave?

[motherto2]

The SO has been there for about a year and a half.  I doubt that it would get physical, but a couple of us have offered to be there when things go down.  I'm just afraid SO will refuse, and then what is the next step?  Both have their own dogs, but they aren't jointly owned thank goodness.  I've seen people fight over dogs harder than they do kids.  One lady I know somehow lost a dog to an ex fiancé.  She still posts about that on FB!

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

I think that this is treated like a landlord/tenant situation.  Your friend might want to see a lawyer to learn how to evict him correctly.  Laws vary by state.

[billisonboard]

Advice from the male perspective: has she tried withholding sex?

[hoops902]

Most likely answer is she's going to have to evict him in the same way she would a tenant.  

[thyme4change]

Maybe a little palimony?

Suggest couples counseling, go a time or two pretending to work on the issues. Then start one session by saying "this isn't working, I would like you to move out" and maybe the presence of the counselor will make that conversation go well. Meanwhile, have a plan for when you get home. Maybe not go, or have someone waiting, sleep elsewhere that night.

[Deleted]

I agree your friend might need to consult a lawyer.  At the very least, he/she needs to give the SO a time frame to find a new place and maybe offer them some money to help with a deposit on a rental.  At one point they must have cared for each other so I'd start with an amiable, supportive approach.  The fact that the SO wants to know why she's on the phone is a red flag, though.  I hope this can be resolved peacefully. 

And thanks for the reminder of why I'm never going to let a man move into my nice, peaceful house no matter how much I like him.

[movingforward]

And thanks for the reminder of why I'm never going to let a man move into my nice, peaceful house no matter how much I like him.

[MJ2.0]

y'all need to watch Forensic Files...

[swamp]

Slip out the back, jack.

[TheOtherMe]

Oct 19, 2017 8:08:33 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

And thanks for the reminder of why I'm never going to let a man move into my nice, peaceful house no matter how much I like him.

Appears to me your friend needs to contact an attorney to get it done legally.

Sounds like the SO does not trust your friend so they might be expecting this is coming.

[Waffle]

Oct 19, 2017 10:36:08 GMT -5 swamp said:

Slip out the back, jack.

I know it doesn't really apply, but that song popped into my head the moment I first read the title of this thread.

[movingforward]

An Attorney would know way more than me, but can the SO prove that he has been paying household expenses? If not, then I would consider him a guest in the home. Locks can be changed and stuff out on the curb. If; however, he has been contributing then I believe that would be considered a renter/tenant situation. Like athena said, stuff like this makes me leery of ever letting someone move into my home, even temporarily.

[whoisjohngalt]

Based on my extensive legal knowledge from watching Judge Judy - it's very very hard.

[happyhoix]

Oct 19, 2017 12:56:26 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

Based on my extensive legal knowledge from watching Judge Judy - it's very very hard.

Yes, unfortunately all I know I learned from Judge Judy as well.

Probably he can claim to be her tenant, and she will probably have to get an eviction notice, but she should consult a lawyer for what's required in her area.

She shouldn't just lock him out and put all his stuff out on the lawn, you're required to give him adequate notice, so if his stuff disappears, the SO could sue your friend.

And she shouldn't file a restraining order against him unless he's threatened her (and she has text messages or video to prove it) - apparently people sometimes falsely get a restraining order just to get him out of the house, but this pisses Judge Judy off, so I assume the rest of the legal profession wouldn't like it either.

[Bonny]

Oct 18, 2017 20:34:11 GMT -5 motherto2 said:

Question - it's not me, asking for a friend .  Seriously though, if someone owns a home and has an SO that moved in and it's just not working, what does the homeowner have to do to get that person to leave?  We think that the person won't go willingly.  Name is not associated with the home at all except for getting mail there.  I offered to do research because the person in question isn't allowed to do anything without the SO wanting to know what the person is doing on the internet/phone.  I tried to do some research, and all I could find is the typical landlord/tenant situation where the person gives the SO written notice to move, and then would have to take said person to court if they refuse to leave.  

Yep, you've got it. Your friend will need to follow the LL-tenant laws of her state.

These are difficult situations because I guess she's both breaking up with the guy AND terminating his tenancy.

What's his financial situation? Do you think cash for keys would work?

[movingforward]

Oct 19, 2017 13:24:33 GMT -5 happyhoix said:

Oct 19, 2017 12:56:26 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

Based on my extensive legal knowledge from watching Judge Judy - it's very very hard.

Yes, unfortunately all I know I learned from Judge Judy as well.

Probably he can claim to be her tenant, and she will probably have to get an eviction notice, but she should consult a lawyer for what's required in her area.

She shouldn't just lock him out and put all his stuff out on the lawn, you're required to give him adequate notice, so if his stuff disappears, the SO could sue your friend.

And she shouldn't file a restraining order against him unless he's threatened her (and she has text messages or video to prove it) - apparently people sometimes falsely get a restraining order just to get him out of the house, but this pisses Judge Judy off, so I assume the rest of the legal profession wouldn't like it either.

But it is so much more fun to do it this way . In all seriousness, it sounds like this person is a bit of a control freak if she can't do anything online or on the phone without him wanting to know what is going on. That coupled with the fact that she doesn't think he will go easily could turn into a bit of a nightmare for her. I would probably tell him he has 30 days and on day 31 the locks would be changed and his shit would be on the curb (if it wasn't gone already).

[cktc]

It's interesting to me that motherto2 was careful to use gender neutral pronouns and everyone assumes the SO is a guy.  I don't think it would change anyone's advice, just find it amusing. 

[cronewitch]

Locking the tenant out without a court order and sheriff eviction will come back to bite them. 

Get a real eviction or make them want to leave. Move in people they don't like, provide no food or services of any kind. cash for keys, playing the tv or radio while they are trying to sleep or other mild annoyances. 

[gooddecisions]

Oct 19, 2017 17:14:01 GMT -5 cronewitch said:

Locking the tenant out without a court order and sheriff eviction will come back to bite them. 

Get a real eviction or make them want to leave. Move in people they don't like, provide no food or services of any kind. cash for keys, playing the tv or radio while they are trying to sleep or other mild annoyances. [brl]

That's actually really good advice. My friend was going through a breakup with a live in boyfriend and he did not want the relationship to end or to move out. I was looking for a place to buy and didn't want to sign a lease, so I moved in with her. He was pissed as this was one more wedge between then working things out. He moved out a month later and their breakup stuck.

[hoops902]

Oct 19, 2017 18:03:15 GMT -5 gooddecisions said:

Oct 19, 2017 17:14:01 GMT -5 cronewitch said:

Locking the tenant out without a court order and sheriff eviction will come back to bite them. 

Get a real eviction or make them want to leave. Move in people they don't like, provide no food or services of any kind. cash for keys, playing the tv or radio while they are trying to sleep or other mild annoyances. [brl]

That's actually really good advice. My friend was going through a breakup with a live in boyfriend and he did not want the relationship to end or to move out. I was looking for a place to buy and didn't want to sign a lease, so I moved in with her. He was pissed as this was one more wedge between then working things out. He moved out a month later and their breakup stuck.

The reverse is also a real possibility though.  You start making their life hell, they just turn it around and do the same to you.  I'd be hesitant to make someone have a reason to retaliate against me while they were living in my home.

[Happy prose]

I would try talking to him first. She may not need to get involved with this whole eviction process. She should present it as it's better for both of them to live apart.

[grits]

It varies from state to state.  You have to give them legal notice to move.  They get 30 days.  Blah blah blah

[NastyWoman]

Oct 18, 2017 20:34:11 GMT -5 motherto2 said:

Question - it's not me, asking for a friend .  Seriously though, if someone owns a home and has an SO that moved in and it's just not working, what does the homeowner have to do to get that person to leave?  We think that the person won't go willingly.  Name is not associated with the home at all except for getting mail there.  I offered to do research because the person in question isn't allowed to do anything without the SO wanting to know what the person is doing on the internet/phone.  I tried to do some research, and all I could find is the typical landlord/tenant situation where the person gives the SO written notice to move, and then would have to take said person to court if they refuse to leave.  

Nobody commented on the bolded part of the of the OP, but it is what would truly concern me. She needs a lawyer and, yes someone (or several of them) to be there when he gets evicted!

[happyhoix]

I think I remember reading about the Manson family that they had all moved into the home of one of the Beach Boys and wouldn't leave. The Beach Boy finally ended up leaving the house and moving to an undisclosed location for a while, and had his business manager come serve Manson with a 30 day eviction notice.

Wouldn't that suck. Having to get the damn Manson family to leave your property. I'd probably just sell the place rather than take a chance they might wander back at some point and kill me in my sleep.

[motherto2]

Thanks for all the comments, both serious and funny!  I have to admit, I'm surprised one person picked up the gender neutral comment.  As a matter of fact, it is two females.  The one that we are trying to get to leave is a messed up nut job.  This is the stuff Lifetime movies are made of.  She is extremely controlling, and even stalks my friend on Waze to see where she's going.  If she veers off the path, she's calling and blowing up her phone wanting to know where she is and what she's doing, who she's seeing.  Weekly accuses the other of cheating, when that has never ever even been an issue.  Thinks all the straight females are after the friend.  Has put a large wedge between the friend and her family and friends.  One night she told the friend she was ALLOWED to go and see her mother.  Blew the phone up the whole time, was trying to limit the amount of time she could stay, was trying to get the friend to buy her dinner on the way home.  When she refused, it escalated like crazy. The controller has some sort of grudge against the friend's female dog.  Which in my opinion it's because she's jealous.  Sweetest dog that you would ever meet.  She tolerates the male dog a little more.  But the sun and moon are on the controller's dog.  Tries to make the friend walk her dog, but doesn't want her to take her two dogs.  I could go on and on.  And the controller convinced the friend to go to counseling, and when the counselor kept telling controller that friend was allowed to see her family, was allowed to have friends, and basically all the stuff controller was doing was wrong, controller stopped the sessions.  So as you can see, it's not going to be easy.  It escalated the other night where controller got so mad because she couldn't force the friend to do something that she kicked a chair over.  Then she kept blocking her way and wouldn't let her get around her.  Friend had to step on the bed to get around her.  Controller kept doing that a couple of times, and would say what are you going to do, hit me?  Which is in my opinion exactly what controller wants her to do.  Then all hell will break loose.  We need to get something done before something happens.


I talked to friend yesterday about the giving notice and tenant/landlord thing.  Problem is, she's in a program for work right now that she can't take a day off to go to court, and the intensity of the course is keeping her from being able to concentrate on getting rid of the drama.  

[resolution]

She may want to look into hiring a lawyer to handle the eviction, since she doesn't have a lot of time to do it herself. She can also talk to the lawyer and find out if the blocking her in and refusing to let her leave would constitute enough to request a restraining order. Breaking items in the house and refusing to let someone leave does cross the line into abuse. But I don't know if it is restraining order territory or not. Also may want to temporarily re-home the dog before doing anything, so the SO doesn't harm it to get back at her.

My original answer was going to be to talk it over like reasonable adults, do the break up and then go for the eviction later on if the SO wouldn't leave. But it really doesn't sound like offering her a deposit and first month rent is going to make her reasonable.