Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2017 8:32:20 GMT -5
If it's escalating to that point, could she get a no contact or restraining order that would force her out? That's ultimately what got my ex out of the house.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Oct 20, 2017 9:31:09 GMT -5
My understanding has always been that a live in so follows the same rules as a landlord/tennant situation. But as to what that entails depends on the state. I concur your friend should consult with an attorney.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 20, 2017 9:52:46 GMT -5
I would defintely consult with an attorney before kicking her out. She is likely the type of person that would be willing to drag your friend thru all kinds of legal hell in order to get her to back down. Your friend needs to make sure she has all her stuff in order first. As Judge Judy says "She who has the paperwork wins".
And absolutely someone needs to be there when she gives notice. Is there someone your friend could crash with for a couple days afterwards and can she board her dog? I don't think it would be wise to stay in the house with the girlfriend after notice is given. A house is just sticks and nails and a trashed house is better than potentially ending up in the hospital or having something happen to her dog in retaliation.
The most dangerous time for people in an abusive relationship is when they decide to leave. Your friend might benefit from also speaking with with a domestic violence counselor/hotline to get advice before attempting to break off the relationship.
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haapai
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Post by haapai on Oct 20, 2017 10:02:17 GMT -5
Tell your friend to consult with a lawyer who knows the relevant state law and to keep on good terms with the folks who are offering to be there during the actual move-out or eviction. Plan on changing the locks immediately. Do not be ashamed of what it looks like.
A whole bunch of straight and/or male friends helped me separate from a controlling same-sex SO twenty five years ago. No pets were involved and we rented, but every little bit of having your back covered helps.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 20, 2017 10:11:18 GMT -5
a shot of insulin between the toes.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Oct 20, 2017 10:30:15 GMT -5
Thanks for all the comments, both serious and funny! I have to admit, I'm surprised one person picked up the gender neutral comment. As a matter of fact, it is two females. The one that we are trying to get to leave is a messed up nut job. This is the stuff Lifetime movies are made of. She is extremely controlling, and even stalks my friend on Waze to see where she's going. If she veers off the path, she's calling and blowing up her phone wanting to know where she is and what she's doing, who she's seeing. Weekly accuses the other of cheating, when that has never ever even been an issue. Thinks all the straight females are after the friend. Has put a large wedge between the friend and her family and friends. One night she told the friend she was ALLOWED to go and see her mother. Blew the phone up the whole time, was trying to limit the amount of time she could stay, was trying to get the friend to buy her dinner on the way home. When she refused, it escalated like crazy. The controller has some sort of grudge against the friend's female dog. Which in my opinion it's because she's jealous. Sweetest dog that you would ever meet. She tolerates the male dog a little more. But the sun and moon are on the controller's dog. Tries to make the friend walk her dog, but doesn't want her to take her two dogs. I could go on and on. And the controller convinced the friend to go to counseling, and when the counselor kept telling controller that friend was allowed to see her family, was allowed to have friends, and basically all the stuff controller was doing was wrong, controller stopped the sessions. So as you can see, it's not going to be easy. It escalated the other night where controller got so mad because she couldn't force the friend to do something that she kicked a chair over. Then she kept blocking her way and wouldn't let her get around her. Friend had to step on the bed to get around her. Controller kept doing that a couple of times, and would say what are you going to do, hit me? Which is in my opinion exactly what controller wants her to do. Then all hell will break loose. We need to get something done before something happens. I talked to friend yesterday about the giving notice and tenant/landlord thing. Problem is, she's in a program for work right now that she can't take a day off to go to court, and the intensity of the course is keeping her from being able to concentrate on getting rid of the drama. Even though I'd like to be in a relationship, it's stories like these that remind me I'm much better off single than in a horrible relationship like this one.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Oct 20, 2017 10:41:05 GMT -5
well yeah. But that's like saying you'll never set foot in a store again because you heard about this one time where someone got treated really badly by the manager. Or that you're better off having no friends because someone you know got mistreated by a person they thought was their friend. Stuff can go wrong in all avenues of life. I mean if closing yourself off to close personal relationships makes you feel better, go ahead. Letting people in can also mean they can hurt you, and hurting sucks. But IMO having people close to you to love, share and trust is what life is about (or should be) and I'm not ready to give up on the human race because of some bad eggs.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Oct 20, 2017 10:54:55 GMT -5
It sounds like your friend needs more help from professionals than you can give. At this point, she might find it useful to leave the house with her dog and important, irreplaceable stuff, get herself someplace safe and have a lawyer to serve her eviction papers. Her house is just stuff that can be replaced.
I really can't see how this will end amicably.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2017 10:58:20 GMT -5
well yeah. But that's like saying you'll never set foot in a store again because you heard about this one time where someone got treated really badly by the manager. Or that you're better off having no friends because someone you know got mistreated by a person they thought was their friend. Stuff can go wrong in all avenues of life. I mean if closing yourself off to close personal relationships makes you feel better, go ahead. Letting people in can also mean they can hurt you, and hurting sucks. But IMO having people close to you to love, share and trust is what life is about (or should be) and I'm not ready to give up on the human race because of some bad eggs.I'm not either, but I'm not moving them in my house. I can have close personal relationships without doing that. If I feel like I HAVE to actually live with the person, then I'm going to be the squatter in THEIR house. They can take that risk!
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Oct 20, 2017 11:00:34 GMT -5
LMAO, good point!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2017 11:06:29 GMT -5
The most dangerous time for people in an abusive relationship is when they decide to leave. Your friend might benefit from also speaking with with a domestic violence counselor/hotline to get advice before attempting to break off the relationship. This. The OP's most recent post describes a relationship with all the characteristics that make it abusive- controlling, limiting their contact with friends and relatives, jealousy, putting the other person constantly on the defensive with accusations of infidelity. A women's shelter should have the resources and the capability to handle such situations- many even have access to a lawyer.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Oct 20, 2017 14:08:57 GMT -5
well yeah. But that's like saying you'll never set foot in a store again because you heard about this one time where someone got treated really badly by the manager. Or that you're better off having no friends because someone you know got mistreated by a person they thought was their friend. Stuff can go wrong in all avenues of life. I mean if closing yourself off to close personal relationships makes you feel better, go ahead. Letting people in can also mean they can hurt you, and hurting sucks. But IMO having people close to you to love, share and trust is what life is about (or should be) and I'm not ready to give up on the human race because of some bad eggs. Of course, I'm not giving up, and I agree, you have to take risks to get what you want.
All I'm saying is it's easy to get into the idea of "the grass is greener." When in reality things can always be worse than they are.
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lynnerself
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Post by lynnerself on Oct 20, 2017 14:19:09 GMT -5
The most dangerous time for people in an abusive relationship is when they decide to leave. Your friend might benefit from also speaking with with a domestic violence counselor/hotline to get advice before attempting to break off the relationship.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Oct 20, 2017 14:35:12 GMT -5
a shot of insulin between the toes. How about under the toenail? Harder to spot if they decide to look for an injection site.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 20, 2017 14:52:21 GMT -5
Sounds like pretty classic emotional abuse. It could easily turn physical. Tell your friend to be careful.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Oct 20, 2017 14:52:29 GMT -5
well yeah. But that's like saying you'll never set foot in a store again because you heard about this one time where someone got treated really badly by the manager. Or that you're better off having no friends because someone you know got mistreated by a person they thought was their friend. Stuff can go wrong in all avenues of life. I mean if closing yourself off to close personal relationships makes you feel better, go ahead. Letting people in can also mean they can hurt you, and hurting sucks. But IMO having people close to you to love, share and trust is what life is about (or should be) and I'm not ready to give up on the human race because of some bad eggs. Of course, I'm not giving up, and I agree, you have to take risks to get what you want.
All I'm saying is it's easy to get into the idea of "the grass is greener." When in reality things can always be worse than they are.
that is the story of my life.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 20, 2017 17:04:30 GMT -5
She needs friends there 24/7 and then after the roommate moves out, change locks and get a security system. But she's going to have to do this legally. It's sad that you can't tell someone to get out of your house but that's the law.
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haapai
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Post by haapai on Oct 21, 2017 9:24:25 GMT -5
It sounds like your friend needs more help from professionals than you can give. At this point, she might find it useful to leave the house with her dog and important, irreplaceable stuff, get herself someplace safe and have a lawyer to serve her eviction papers. Her house is just stuff that can be replaced. I really can't see how this will end amicably. I don't see how your friend is going to get out of this without starting an eviction clock ticking and after notice of that action is given, she should not be alone with her controlling STBXSO. It's not so much the fear of violence that makes me say that, it's the fear of manipulation. Your friend does not need to wait until fists start flying. What she is experiencing now is not a good life and it will only get worse as she becomes more isolated from friends and family. I remember making promises to myself that I if she ever hit me, I'd be grateful and then call the cops followed by my friends and family. I had scripts and strategies prepared for those calls, none of which were particularly dignified, and I'm damn glad to have never had to make them. It's okay to plan to get away from someone that you don't want to be around anymore. It's okay to do a lot of planning and to get quite legalistic, sneaky, and cautious while doing so. I have never regretted that split.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Oct 21, 2017 10:51:45 GMT -5
I agree your friend might need to consult a lawyer. At the very least, he/she needs to give the SO a time frame to find a new place and maybe offer them some money to help with a deposit on a rental. At one point they must have cared for each other so I'd start with an amiable, supportive approach. The fact that the SO wants to know why she's on the phone is a red flag, though. I hope this can be resolved peacefully. And thanks for the reminder of why I'm never going to let a man move into my nice, peaceful house no matter how much I like him. I lived with someone for 8 yrs and I never gave up my own apartment. Friends thought I was crazy but no way was I going to be without my security blanket. But I wasn't looking for marriage. I actually started building a house while living with him. He he thought he would be moving to my home. Nope, relationship for me was on downhill slide since he started using the "M" word so out the door I went.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Oct 21, 2017 11:04:42 GMT -5
I dont understand the whole moving in thing in the first place.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2017 11:09:48 GMT -5
I dont understand the whole moving in thing in the first place. Well, it can certainly make economic sense.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Oct 21, 2017 14:23:32 GMT -5
I dont understand the whole moving in thing in the first place. Wish I had thought about that when I got married. I might still be married.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2017 14:47:17 GMT -5
I lived with someone for 8 yrs and I never gave up my own apartment. Friends thought I was crazy but no way was I going to be without my security blanket. But I wasn't looking for marriage. I actually started building a house while living with him. He he thought he would be moving to my home. Nope, relationship for me was on downhill slide since he started using the "M" word so out the door I went. I can see myself doing that! I'd never have a guy move in with me because of the scenario the OP described; even if the parting is more civil it's still going to be difficult. The flip of that scenario- me moving in with a guy- won't happen, either. When I was 29, I moved in with the guy who eventually became my first husband (then ex-husband). It was a contentious relationship- he had a drinking problem- but once I'd moved in with him, sold my house, spent the proceeds on stuff for his place, gotten rid of all my furniture (not up to his standards), etc. the idea of leaving and starting from nothing was just so daunting I stayed there. I did get my wonderful son out of that marriage but I'll never put myself in that vulnerable a position again.
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dannylion
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Post by dannylion on Oct 21, 2017 19:22:11 GMT -5
I was thinking the same thing.
In her place, I think I'd consult a lawyer and have him/her handle all further communication with the no-longer-SO.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 22, 2017 10:31:05 GMT -5
I recall reading advice to people leaving abusive relationships. It said to have absolutely zero emotion around the person. Not even much voice inflection. Just robotically state the facts. Since emotional abuse requires emotions, if you show none, they lose their food and will eventually give up. It was a fascinating article. But, just that. I have no real experience or advice here.
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