Ava
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Post by Ava on Jul 20, 2017 7:28:58 GMT -5
Sorry for the rant but I need to vent. Why do people think a single woman in their forties is kind of disposable?
Tired of friends calling me to go out or visit them when their husbands are unavailable/traveling and then royally ignoring me when those gentlemen are back home.
Do they think I am a robot or a computer that they can turn on when they want and then turn off and goes to sleep?
I've spent countless weekends and holidays on my own while they are with their families. I've even called to ask if I can join but they are busy and can't host me. So I only see them for birthdays, barbecues, etc.
The moment hubby is out the door traveling for work they want me to stop by after working all day to have dinner with them.
I've started going out with Meetup groups to make more friends, particularly people like me who are happily single but still want to have a social life. It's slow going because I'm studying for the CPA so not much time for Meetup. Besides that it's difficult for me to make new friends. But at least I'm going out and I'm trying.
I feel resentful when people treat me like I will run to them when they are alone but won't even take my calls when I need company but their husband is home. I guess the underlying assumption is that I'm lonely and desperate and will be grateful they invited me, even though weekdays I'm very busy.
I don't generally snap but I'm going through a rough patch with the CPA and my job hunt getting nowhere. I need to breath and send a nice message stating that I'm sorry but I can't make it today.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2017 7:36:25 GMT -5
I think you probably just need new friends if they won't take your calls. I'm single in my 40's and don't get treated like that at all.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 20, 2017 7:38:19 GMT -5
Ava-are you close enough to these friends of yours to tell them how you feel about them not including you in their social lives when their spouses are home?
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milee
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Post by milee on Jul 20, 2017 7:59:24 GMT -5
I think you probably just need new friends if they won't take your calls. I'm single in my 40's and don't get treated like that at all. Yeah but you also live in a magical place where neighbors not only watch your zoo while you're gone, they clean your house and barn.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Jul 20, 2017 8:01:48 GMT -5
peoples are selfish and life is busy.
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garion2003
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Post by garion2003 on Jul 20, 2017 8:05:57 GMT -5
If you have friends that won't take your calls ...it may be time for new friends! Sounds pretty sucky overall.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2017 8:07:15 GMT -5
I think you probably just need new friends if they won't take your calls. I'm single in my 40's and don't get treated like that at all. Yeah but you also live in a magical place where neighbors not only watch your zoo while you're gone, they clean your house and barn. "Friends" not even taking your phone calls sounds like a pretty shitty extreme the other way. I can't even imagine. Of course, I am pretty anti-social, so it's not like I call much. When I do they take it because they probably think something horrible has happened.
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dannylion
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Post by dannylion on Jul 20, 2017 8:24:34 GMT -5
New friends, definitely. The people you are describing are not friends. I don't know what they are, but they are not friends. Friends do not treat people like that.
Maybe the first step would be to stop taking their calls and to stop accepting the crumbs they offer. Use the time you would devote to attending to their social needs on your quest for new friends.
If they want to know what happened, tell them the truth. You deserve something better.
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Jul 20, 2017 8:37:55 GMT -5
I also agree that you might need new friends.
But... it's possible something else is going on that is not designed to hurt you. My husband and I both work full-time and have two young daughters. We have very little time to do anything fun just the two of us and we're often caught up with doing things for the girls. It could be possible that your friends are in a similar situation and when their husbands are out of town they realize they actually have the opportunity to catch up with you and other people. They're not deliberately trying to hurt you but are simply at a stage of life where their immediate family is all-consuming. For my part, I hope that my husband and I can socialize more with friends as our daughters get older, particularly when the oldest one can babysit!
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Rukh O'Rorke
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Post by Rukh O'Rorke on Jul 20, 2017 8:50:07 GMT -5
Hi Ava - sorry to hear about this disappointment
I was unclear on your OP - is this just the one friend or a group?
This reminded me of a similar experience. I had a friend that I had been super supportive of for years. Both emotionally and professionally. When she married, things changed of course and that was expected. I was pretty busy myself, but after a while I started to notice how self serving her social availability had become. I wasn't invited to alot of things that sounded fun, but was invited for more boring things when I think she was aiming for a count or something. Prior to her marriage, she had a pretty normal count of friends, 3-4 close friends - of which I was one - and maybe 10 or so in a larger circle. Her husband had about 100 friends in his larger circle. He was prominent in his field, kind of a minor celebrity in an artistic field - mostly locally but he had some national/international exposure, and the vast majority of his friends were also professional contacts or in that field or related artistic fields, doing exciting things, etc.
When I invited them to a party for DS 18th bday by email, she declined saying breezily that they just had too many social engagements and weren't available until a month about 3-4 months hence. It took me a while to absorb that. It wasn't that they had other plans already that day, just that they wouldn't be adding it in cuz - plans on other days. She had known DS since he was 2 years old, and in fact her H had become something of a mentor to DS over the past couple of years. I kind of felt if she had even mentioned to her H, he would likely have decided they would come because of his relationship with DS, even if they just dropped in for an hour or so.
Her breezy email about her packed social life didn't even bother to wish DS a happy birthday, and no card came in the mail later, either.
Soon afterwards - I got an invite to support her in one of her endeavors and I never could be bothered to reply to her ever again. She reached out to me a couple of times after that over the years but it was usually self-serving. Linkedin, or to support her endeavors, etc. About 5 years after that I did get a christmas card saying let's reconnect, and the only thing I could think of was she needed support for something.
Maybe she needed some personal support. Maybe having a tough time in her marriage and needed someone to listen for hours and hours and I was not up for that. I had realized that it probably wasn't that great of a friendship for me even before her marriage. It was actually kind of drag listening to her problems, and esp. to her complain all the time about some job she had. We'd get together for lunch and she was frequently up to 30 minutes late when she worked 5 minutes away and we'd email and say - ok see you in 10. WTF is up with that? Once or twice, ok but it got to be every week - how many times does someone stop you out the door to lunch that you can't say I'm meeting someone for lunch and talk about it in 60? Then all lunch complaining about the job.
I realized it had been a relief to let that 'friendship' go. I didn't want to give it another go. I didn't want to discuss the issues - I just didn't care.
Let it go Ava!
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Rukh O'Rorke
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Post by Rukh O'Rorke on Jul 20, 2017 8:56:15 GMT -5
peoples are selfish and life is busy. There it is in the nutshell!
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Jul 20, 2017 9:13:04 GMT -5
I am really, really terrible at maintaining friendships. I don't reach out to people and when they reach out to me I often don't respond. I am not 100% sure if it is just because I am asshole, or some other reason. Most of my friends have given up getting in touch with me, but I still have a couple that make an effort, but most of the time I can't do anything with them anyway.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jul 20, 2017 9:44:53 GMT -5
I think you need to say something to these "friends". If they continue to ignore you at holiday time, then feel free to let them go.
I plead guilty to letting my social life go down the tubes, but I married into a large family with plenty of social gatherings. It's a treat to have time with just our own family. But, I've also called up friends to try to get together when there's a "down time", which frankly doesn't happen often. When you're married, it's like you've got twice as many obligations, then add kids, & I've had an almost nonexistant social life. (I hope to get that social time back again, once DH is retired, & the nest is empty.)
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jul 20, 2017 9:55:00 GMT -5
Ava I totally get what you are going through. I really do. Being married and having kids takes up a huge chunk of your time. You have to make sure both sets of relationships are nurtured regularly because you're basically stuck with these people. Trying to nurture kid relationships and spousal/SO relationships, working FT, taking care of the home, etc.... there are only so many hours in the day and one only has so much emotional and physical energy. I've learned that balance is key, but I can do that better without a spouse so I don't think I'm much help here, lol. I think you need to find friends who are similarly situated (single, no kids). And don't worry about their ages. You might find some late 20s/early 30s single girls you might really click with. Or 50s single ladies!
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 20, 2017 10:03:40 GMT -5
I need to do that too. My friends either have little kids or are married. Some I've completely lost contact with. Now that the girls are grown, it's time for me to get a life again.
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steph08
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Post by steph08 on Jul 20, 2017 10:10:28 GMT -5
I'm sorry your friends aren't there for you, Ava. I hope that you can rebuild those relationships or find new friends who have more time to spend with you.
That said, I have two kids, a full-time job, and a DH that works full-time as well. Time is limited. On weekdays, I have one to two hours to myself to get stuff ready for the next day, clean up a little, perhaps exercise, and shower before getting in bed at 10 or 10:30. Just to get up at 5:45 the next day and do it again. Weekends are spent with DH and kids, and grandparents visiting the kids.
Friendships are non-existent at this point in my life.
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dannylion
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Post by dannylion on Jul 20, 2017 10:46:55 GMT -5
Even really, really, super busy people, if they are decent human beings, make room for a friend who is alone on a holiday, especially one who reaches out to them. People who fail to acknowledge or care about others unless the others can be useful for their own entertainment when they think they have nothing "better" to do are not friends. They are just some selfish people the others know.
Everyone is busy, but not everyone is an asshole about it.
It might take some time, but Ava will find new friends who know how to be friends.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Jul 20, 2017 10:48:08 GMT -5
I see my friends a handful of times a year at the most. I also go on a handful of dates with my DH per year at most. The kids are all-consuming. Sometimes the extra family obligations at holidays are all-consuming, and you just wish you could just chill at home that day for a change, instead of "celebrating". From my perspective, it's actually nice that your friends still think of you and want to get together when they get free time. As an introvert, I don't even think of calling anyone in that situation.
That said, I did have a good friend who I sort of lost contact with when she got married and started a family. I blamed myself a lot for not reaching out, but when I think about it, a lot of our friendship was focused on her. So, although she's a very nice person, I got lost in there, and maybe I shouldn't blame myself for it, but find friends that fit into my life better, which I have (with the handful of get togethers per year).
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 20, 2017 10:54:09 GMT -5
I am really, really terrible at maintaining friendships. I don't reach out to people and when they reach out to me I often don't respond. I am not 100% sure if it is just because I am asshole, or some other reason. Most of my friends have given up getting in touch with me, but I still have a couple that make an effort, but most of the time I can't do anything with them anyway. So much this. Although, for the most part, I'd like to think I'm not an asshole. It's just that there are only so many hours in a day. And for better or for worse, until we get through the bulk of the child-rearing years, our priorities are our children and our marriage. With everything that's going on now, I literally get 20 minutes to sit down with DH every 2-3 weeks. I'm uncomfortable with telling DH, "no, sorry. We got 40 minutes LAST month. You have to wait another month to get your 20 minutes. I've got girlfriends I need to see." Although, I will say...I don't feel so needy that I need to be with someone if DH isn't around. I've got the house to myself (no kids, no husband) for three nights in the next 7 days. My plan is not to call up other people. My plan is to eat food I don't want to share, start binge watching Orange is the New Black (not sure I can watch it with DH) , and trying to get ahead enough with work that I can go and stitch with a group once for a few hours in August. DH's cousin has three kids, about 18 months apart. Her youngest is the same as my oldest. When they had their oldest was 11ish, we started seeing them a whole lot less. At first I was completely hurt. We had a 7 year old and a two year old. I was like, well, what's their problem. And then we had our third..and when DS was 11 I was like...Oh, yeah. I'm glad I didn't say anything. Because I get it now...and once our fourth comes...dude, all bets are off for doing anything outside our nuclear family.
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Jul 20, 2017 11:47:26 GMT -5
Last month my not quite 5 year old DD was invited to her first sleepover. My older girl also had a sleepover that night. Unfortunately, my DH was in Pittsburgh! That was the first night I have been alone in my own home since 2008. I picked up a steak from Longhorn's, drank half a bottle of red wine, watched Netflix, and slept. It was heavenly!!!
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 20, 2017 12:02:41 GMT -5
You really can't win if you have a family and your friends don't. If you drop everything to nuture your friendship with someone outside your family, you neglect either your kids, your husband or yourself. If you keep your family as your number 1 priority, then your friends gat all pissy. If you try to do some hybrid, but using your family's schedule, your friends think you are using them.
No wonder so many people drift away from their friends who are in different life stages/different life choices. You can't catch a break.
For sure, get new friends who have structured their lives like yours. It will save you the aggrevation of having to work through someone else's different situation.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Jul 20, 2017 12:09:51 GMT -5
Keep in mind, this is really not about you and your value nearly as much as it is about other people and their priorities/life. Clearly these people like you or they wouldn't want to spend time with you when they were alone. People with jobs, spouses, and kids get busy. They probably aren't being as good of friends as they could to you, but they're also probably used to not worrying about it too much if their other friends are mostly in the same boat as they are. Also accept that you're probably higher maintenance than most of their other friends. Other friends are almost definitely not trying to spend holidays/vacations with them if they have their own spouses and/or children.
It could be that you want very different things from friendship if they want someone to see once in a while, and you want someone as a significant support piece in your life. Have you had a serious conversation about this with them? You say things like "ignore my calls"...are you leaving messages to ask them to call you back? Have you discussed whether texting works better?
Some of it can be how you frame it in your mind also. You seem to have latched onto the "they think I'm disposable" framework. To them it probably looks more like "thank god I finally have some free time, let me call Ava up, I wish I had more time to talk/see her".
Also, don't feel bad for turning down their offers if you are busy or just don't feel like going. I understand your frustration, but it seems a little passive-aggressive to be upset they won't spend more time with you, then also be upset when they extend invitations to you. If the timing doesn't work out then it doesn't work out...better to decline the invitation than go while feeling like you "need" to go because they invited you even if you'd rather not.
Don't throw away friendships because of a narrative you've created in your own mind. Talk to them (or if they wont' answer your calls, text/email them). That "should" give you VERY clear indications of whether these people are your friends or not, and setting out what each of you need in a friendship. Even when we think it's all about us (i.e. "they think I'm disposable"), it almost never really is. It's about other people and their lives and the hecticness of it all (and not being as in-tune with our friends and family as we should in all that messiness).
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 20, 2017 12:19:29 GMT -5
Believe me, I do understand where you are coming from. When my old college friend got married (I knew both her and her husband since 1978, so a very long time), we started drifting apart. I probably made 15 visits (having to get on a plane) for every time she visited me. The balance of our relationship in effort was probably 90% me and 10% her.
However, as we had been friends a very long time, I was not quite as inclined to drop the relationship. It did get a lot better as her kids got older and a lot more independent. The one thing that she DID do, was that 3 times in my life, she put her life on hold to help take care of me following one of my surgeries. So in my mind, that was a way that our relationship was not so wholly one sided.
I don't know what to tell you Ava. You have to decide whether these friends are the type who will help you hide a body or not. If they are the type that will drop everything in an emergency, then you might want to consider that their circumstances have then caught between a rock and a hard place.
My mom always told me that if you can count your true friends on one hand, you are very lucky. Are these true friends, or people that you just like hanging with?
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Jul 20, 2017 12:20:35 GMT -5
You really can't win if you have a family and your friends don't. If you drop everything to nuture your friendship with someone outside your family, you neglect either your kids, your husband or yourself. If you keep your family as your number 1 priority, then your friends gat all pissy. If you try to do some hybrid, but using your family's schedule, your friends think you are using them. No wonder so many people drift away from their friends who are in different life stages/different life choices. You can't catch a break. For sure, get new friends who have structured their lives like yours. It will save you the aggrevation of having to work through someone else's different situation. Totally agree. I can say from experience that when I was in my 20's and single/no kids...I had one set of friends. Those people all got married and had kids REAL quick shortly after. We only hung out after that when their spouses went out of town with the kids, or when we could carve out scheduled time like going to an athletic event or something. I basically ended up with a whole new set of friends to hang out with regularly. Then I got married and didn't hang out with that new friend set anymore because they primarily wanted to go out doing "single stuff". We went back to hanging out mostly with married couples with kids at the house of people with the kids (so they could put them to sleep when they needed to). Now that I have a kid, I don't hang out with anyone because it's too much of a hassle and not worth the days of torment by breaking my child's routine in order to do something fun. I only get to do anything with friends when my wife takes the kid to visit her family, or when her family comes to visit and wants to watch the kid all the time.
I don't like/dislike any of those friend groups any differently than I did before. I just have more/less time, energy, spontaneity to contribute to those friendships now. I also tend to think none of those people would EVER want to spend time in my shoes...those single friends don't want to come over and live the parental life with me for the night (in my mind). It's draining...it's not really fun. I'd also feel like an awful host while I ignored my friend in order to take care of my kid...I barely get to talk to my wife, much less a random friend. It has nothing to do with that friend...it has everything to do with me not wanting to ruin someone else's time. I feel like a better friend not hanging out with them than bringing them into that kind of night. I also don't want to clean up my house from the baby-tornado that strikes daily.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Jul 20, 2017 12:21:11 GMT -5
Last month my not quite 5 year old DD was invited to her first sleepover. My older girl also had a sleepover that night. Unfortunately, my DH was in Pittsburgh! That was the first night I have been alone in my own home since 2008. I picked up a steak from Longhorn's, drank half a bottle of red wine, watched Netflix, and slept. It was heavenly!!! Your momma raised a QUITTER!
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Jul 20, 2017 12:24:46 GMT -5
hoops902 - I get my low tolerance for alcohol from my mum... as we know, it's always the fault of the mother
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 20, 2017 12:30:22 GMT -5
My child free friend stayed with us for a long weekend. I didn't think twice about my children running around and playing. She and I were hanging out, eating and drinking, and the kids were doing their thing, and she suddenly looked uncomfortable and carefully chose her words while saying "I am just not used to all this activity." When we visited her home, which was quite small and had no yard, I was very uncomfortable because my kids were being normal kids (and we had just finished 2 days of driving, so it wasn't an option to have them sit and read a book.) It is hard when your lives are so disparate.
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Rob Base 2.0
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Post by Rob Base 2.0 on Jul 20, 2017 12:34:38 GMT -5
Good friends are hard to find........
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jul 20, 2017 12:39:31 GMT -5
it was/is like that with my best friend. We have been friends since we were 16/17. Went to colleges in different states so mostly phone and hanging out during breaks. I met someone and stayed in NJ, she worked on her career and stayed in PA. Again, we'd meet up a couple of times a year and talk on the phone. In our entire time as friends, we've gone to colleges; I met someone and she was single, I got married and she was still single; I had a kid, and she was still single; she met someone, I was still married with kid; she got married, I was at the beginning of the divorce... she is now married with a kid, trying for another and I am 2 years post divorce with split custody of my kid.
A lot of life events, huh? Sure I wish we could hang out more. I used to apologize all the time for not seeing her more and explained to her that it's hard with all the life stuff happening. She was never upset and she understood. Now she ACTUALLY understands because she's living it. And I'm not upset when it takes her days to reply to my calls or texts because I've lived that life - it's freaking busy!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 20, 2017 12:53:09 GMT -5
Friends? What are friends?
The person I would consider my best friend we've known each other since middle school. I got married and had kids first so that took up a large part of my life. We used to hang out all the time but after I had Gwen I don't think I surfaced for two years.
Now we're in totally separate places financially. I probably should make more of an effort but every time I try to schedule something she has to cancel because of some financial crisis. I stopped asking because I was tired of being disappointed and I can't work my schedule around at the last minute like I used to when we were teenagers.
My other friend is a post doc with three kids. She's even more swamped than I am. I get it though because I work in the same field. It's not that she does not care and doesn't want to hang out with me, it's that her job is all consuming. Which it has to be if she wants to get ahead.
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